The fight goes on, no matter how long I've been distracted or how much weight I've regained. I got to just under 300 in time for my Mexico vacation and was thrilled. I felt good, looked good and was proud of myself for making my goal. I ate whatever I wanted on vacation, and went overboard. I told myself it was ok, I would just lose it when I got home. I wanted to enjoy myself...and boy did I! I gained about 5 lbs in 2 weeks.
Getting back on track has been another story. Stress, lots going on, so many occasions with temptation surrounding them, and depression. It all adds up to giving up and giving in. I've been in full on rebellion mode for a couple weeks now, and am up a total of 10 lbs.
My second and third goals this summer are shot. My 20 yr HS reunion is this weekend, and I was hoping to be 280 by now. I'm 30 lbs off. I have decided not to go, which I may or may not regret. I hated school, had very few friends and it's a time of my life that I mostly want to forget. The only reason I wanted to go was to show the assholes that teased me for years that I could look good. Well, the stress of thinking about going was one of the things that was keeping me off plan, so I decided it wasn't worth it. Screw them. I am losing weight for myself, no one else.
My third goal is still pending. Sometime this summer I was to be reunited with my now 18 year old sons that I placed for adoption at birth. Their family has been going through their own troubles and have asked me to wait. I'm fine with that, it's been 18 years, what's a couple more months! Besides, it gives me time to get back on track.
I've gone back to the gym for the last week and my eating is a lot more sane. No more binging and buying everything naughty in sight. I've lost a couple pounds and that's enough to keep me going. I also finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about upping my antidepressants. I know from decades of living with depression that I have a chemical imbalance and right now it's way off. Things are not good in the land of Shannon and it's all I can do to keep it together enough to take care of my family. That's not how I want to live and I need to do something (besides binging and taking up smoking again) to fix it. I see my doc in 2 weeks and am hanging on until then.
Well, we leave for our anniversary trip to Cancun in three days. My goal was to be under 300 by the time we left. This morning I was 300.6!! If I can lose half a pound in three days I will have met my goal!! Even if I don't, it's close enough and I'm really happy with my progress. About a month ago my favorite fat chick clothing store was having a 50% off sale on all their new summer clothes. I needed lighter clothes for Cancun (it's so damn hot and humid!) so I bought a bunch. But I took a risk and ordered them a size too small! I thought it would be good motivation to keep losing weight before we left. I tried them all on last night and everything fits perfect! Amazing.
I'm still working out at the gym twice a week with my trainer, but I've started doing circuit training one day a week on my own. I can't afford a trainer much longer (even though she's been my lifesaver!) so I need to get used to doing it on my own. I try to go do cardio at least 3 days a week too, so I'm working out about 6 days a week. I feel so great. Not only do I feel lighter and smaller, but I feel stronger and have more energy.
I haven't posted in almost a month, but I've been faithfully following my WW plan. Well, with the exception of the week in NYC visiting my sister! Actually, even though I decided not to track my food that week and didn't have any structured exercise, I didn't let my mind take me to "what the hell" land. That's where I let myself eat all the things I've chosen not to eat so that I can lose weight. That's where I convince myself that it's a "special occasion" so I can eat whatever I want. That's where I use my awesome progress to lull myself into believing that I deserve to go back to my bad habits and that I should take the opportunity to be "bad" while I can.
I did eat things that I normally don't. I did allow myself to have splurges. But I didn't go hog wild and lose control. I still ate good portions. When faced with good, moderate and sinful choices, more often than not I chose either good or moderate. I knew we would be walking all over the city and lugging my 7 month old up and down LOTS of stairs, so I knew I would be ok with the exercise. I had a great time and really enjoyed myself.
When I got back I was up 4 lbs, which I totally expected. The combination of eating more calories, eating more salt, flying and not having aerobic exercise were sure to cause some gain. But I got right back on plan and have lost it all plus 2.5 lbs in the past three weeks.
Today I weighed in at WW and got my 25 lb award. It was really a boost and I'm feeling more confident than ever. Six more pounds to my 10% goal and eight more pounds until I'm back under 300.
Things are going really well for me right now. I'm working out with my trainer 2x a week and am focusing on getting more cardio in on the other days. I walked on the treadmill for 20 min today and then did the elliptical for 40 min! I've never been able to last so long! Last week I lost three pounds and I'm on track to lose 2 more this week. I got my 5% goal at WW last week and this week I just got my 60 lb goal. That's 60 lbs from my high, before I had my last baby.
I'm 310 as of this morning. It's sad in a way to think that I'm here...again. I've worked my way under 310 several times, but I would like to think that this time is the last. I'm sure if it weren't for my last pregnancy I would not be here again, but he was worth it! And as sad as it is, it's also empowering. I have lost 30 lbs since my son was born and I feel great. If I can do that, I can keep going.
My goal is to be under 300 by June 6th, which is when we leave for our anniversary trip to Cancun. After that, I hope to be 280 by August 13th, which is when my 20 year HS reunion will be. I'll have to come up with some new goals after that, because that's the smallest I've been as an adult!
After a plateau and then a gain over Spring break vacation, I'm back on track and lost 2 lbs this week. That pushed me just past my first big goal of 5%!! I'm so happy for several reasons. Not only am I just that much smaller and that much closer to my ultimate goal weight, but I didn't give up when I hit a glitch.
We went to Portland to visit family over spring break and of course that threw me off track. Although this vacation I ate better than I have on previous vacations (thanks to my Mom who tried to help keep me on track) I still used it as an excuse to splurge. At first I was really upset with myself, especially when I got back home and realized I had gained 2 lbs! But then I started thinking about it. When I have special occasions or vacations I tend to feel very deprived, very easily. If I don't eat what everyone else is eating or if I pass up things that I want but don't usually let myself have when I'm home, then I get very irritated. And then I just go off the deep end anyway and spiral out of control. I think that overall this vacation was a success in that I splurged, but didn't go all out the entire time. I would like to get to a more moderate place where I don't gain so much in one week, but it's a start.
The day I got home I started back up with watching what I ate and TRACKING. I had a goal to not go over my points on any single day, and I ended up only going over on one day. I was very pleased with that. I also had a goal to do cardio at least four times this week, and I did five! It obviously paid off and I'm back on track.
Well, it had to happen sometime. I've hit my first plateau on weight watchers. Last week I didn't lose anything and this week I gained a pound. I'm trying really hard to look at the big picture and just keep going, but it's hard not to be disappointed.
I am pretty sure what I need to do. I've been eating a lot more processed and fast food the last few weeks. Life gets busy and my food is the first place I compromise. Not smart. I've still been logging every single bite, and have not once used all my points, but I've been eating more points than I was before and have dipped into my activity points a couple times, and that is a no-no for me. I mean, why do I work so hard at the gym if I'm just going to blow my points on crap food that I don't have to eat? I need to make less emotional food choices and get back to eating reasonably.
I also think that not all points are equal. We talked about that in our meeting today and I really agree. The way your body uses a 5 point piece of chicken is not the same as it would use a 5 point candy bar. I need to remember that when choosing how to satisfy my hunger.
Another reason for the plateau is that I hurt my leg about a week ago and have not been doing as much cardio. I have kept my weight training sessions at the gym, but my cardio has consisted of slower, shorter walks and it's just not the same. Today was the first day I felt like I could really push it, so I did! I walked at a good pace with a 3% incline for 30 minutes, and then did 20 minutes on the eliptical! I was so proud of myself! I'm really going to push the cardio this week and see if I can't push past this plateau.
We're going to Portland this week for Spring Break and to visit my family. I'm a little nervous about the food; I've always used vacations as an excuse to toss the diet out the window. I don't want to do that this time. Luckily, my mom is not only a member of weight watchers, but she also belongs to the same gym as I do and I plan on going with her to both while I'm there. Even if I don't lose any weight next week, not gaining weight on vacation would be a huge win for me!
I just weighed in for week 8 at WW and lost 2 lbs this week. That means I've lost 15.6 lbs so far on this program! I am only .4 lbs away from my 5% goal of 16 lbs!
I was sad to see so many of the other moms from my meeting absent today. Maybe it was a coincidence that they all just had scheduling conflicts, but our leader told us that this is the time when a lot of people that joined in January start dropping out. I hope that's not why they weren't there today. I actually have made a few friends that all have kids the same age as Liam and I have been looking forward to going through this with them. I guess we'll just see if they are there next week.
This weekend really sucked for me food-wise. We had plans for an all day family party so I wanted to eat beforehand. But we were running late so we had to stop on the way for fast food. I got a burger with no cheese or mayo and splurged for a french fry to share with Peter. All within my points - if it had just stopped there. The party was at a bowling alley and after a couple hours I was hungry and the cafe was calling me. I don't know what came over me, but I let Peter order onion rings, English chips and a shake to share. I guess I was feeling cocky that I've been doing so well on WW and that I had a really good week point-wise. And I just wanted to eat what everyone else was eating. I only ate a couple rings, but most of the chips and about 1/3 of the shake.
The party moved to my cousin's house and we had cake and ice cream. I had a modest piece of cake and removed the frosting, and I had the sugar free ice cream. That was fine. But then a couple hours later we left, and faced with an hour drive home we decided to stop and eat in town before driving home. We found a cute little diner and for some reason I felt like I just had to have a bacon cheeseburger and fries! I was kind of feeling like I had already blown it so I might as well enjoy myself. Well, I didn't enjoy myself. Afterwords I felt greasy, bloated, heavy and guilty.
I came home and calculated my points and not only had I blown my day, but I had used the rest of my weekly points and even dipped into my activity points. I have never used a single activity point before and that made me mad! I thought about what happened and I realized that I had let myself fall back into very dangerous thinking. In the past I've always let myself relax around "special occasions". It's Thanksgiving, so it's special. My friend is in town, so it's special. The problem is that then it turns into, it's Wednesday so it's special. I can't take a time out just because it's not an ordinary day or situation. I have to remember that each thing I put in my mouth is a choice. There are times when I can eat things that are higher in points, but I have to weigh each decision based on where I am with my program and where I want to be.
So, the next day was Sunday and I made sure to eat very well. I ate a lot of low point filling foods, turned down anything not on plan, told my husband we couldn't eat out and went and worked out. I felt so much better and I actually felt centered again. Not out of control. I still lost 2 lbs last week and I'm back on track. Lesson learned, let's move on.
"Progress is progress and, let's face it, in our world just not gaining
weight, not binging when we want to, turning down the cheesecake,
etc., is sometimes just as much progress as losing 2 pounds."
Another weigh-in today at WW and I lost 4 lbs! It's my time of the month so the low number last week and the high number this week are pretty predictable for me. But that brings my total on the program to 13.5 lbs! I am only 2.5 lbs away from my first big goal; 5% of my body weight or 16 lbs.
I didn't work out as much as I should have last week so my goal this week is to get in three 30 min walks in addition to my three sessions with my trainer.
Weighed in at WW today and lost .8 lbs. I was really hoping for more, but that's almost a pound. I'm less than half a pound from my first 10.
I'm trying to figure out why, when I know that weight loss is slow and doesn't always correspond to how hard we're working, I am so bummed that I didn't lose more. I think it's because I'm too anxious to see results. I'm too focused on the big numbers. I want to be thinner NOW! I haven't lost enough to really see a whole lot of change in how I look and I want that so bad! I spent the morning sorting through my "skinny" clothes from before my pregnancy. I gained 20 lbs just before I got pregnant and then gained almost 40 with my pregnancy. I'm down 14 lbs, which is great! But all I can focus on is how much more I need to lose in order to get into my smaller clothes again.
I visited my Aunt this weekend and we started talking about diets. She has a bad back and knees and her doctor told her that she needs to lose weight. She said, "what do you want, I've lost at least 500 lbs in my life!" I laughed because it's true, I've been there too! But then it made me sad. Why do we work so hard to lose it and then gain it right back?!
The other thing she said made me really stop and think. She said she would lose weight if it were faster, but she just doesn't have the patience for it because it's too slow. I thought about how sad that was, that she would rather stay fat all the time, than slowly get thinner. But today after my disappointment with my weigh in I thought back to that conversation. If I let my impatience move my focus from my new lifestyle to the numbers on the scale or the size tag in my clothes, then I'm going to sabotage myself and start thinking like her. That's the old way, that's the thinking that makes us jump from the diet wagon and run for the nearest Baskin and Robbins.
So this week I'm going to recognize my weight loss for what it is, weight loss. I've been going to WW for 5 weeks now and have lost SOMETHING every week. I'm exercising and staying on plan, and it's working. And I'm going to stop focusing on the stupid numbers and get out there and live in the now!
