Today is the 5 year anniversary for my dad's death. It has been so hard emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat, all I want to do is stay in bed and just be. I realized last night that I am so filled with anger, and bitterness. Its not a good place for me to be but Its where I am. I am so angry that we were robbed of the time with you, all for a selfish act. I am so angry that he didnt get to see me get married, I am angry that he wont get to see my sister graduate college (the first in our family) I am angry that my boys were robbed of such love and affection from their pop-pop. It just hurts and I cant make it stop. I have been to my dr for depression and anxiety 4 times in the last 2 weeks, he is monitoring me closely. There are days when I think i have a handle on it, and then I crumble. Other than my emotional state..I am ok. If I could just get my head into check.
Sorry that I have gone on and on about this but I need to vent, rant and rave. And well...lunatics stick together. I hope you all have a great week.
Posted By: chickofegg
Comments to this post:
11/19/2007 23:37
Here for you...
I'm so sorry girl. I really hope your dr. can help you. I'm glad you've been to see him. It seems as though life is just not fair and sometimes you wonder why God has done the things he's done. Bad things happen to such good people--- while I see others who have evil in their heart and live a life of health and wealth. Why? I do not know. I'm so sorry and we are all here for you. just looked at your graph and almost halfway! OMG, I can't beleive it! (((hugs))) to you!
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I pray that with time, things will get better for you and your family. Sending many prayers and (((HUGS))) your way.
Ok, I had to LOL at that part. I know it probably wasn't intended for me to giggle at, but hey...we're all a little crazy (some more than others).
Take care of yourself...and know that we're all here for you. And that even though your father isn't here in the flesh, he is with you every day. Watching over you and your beautiful boys and he'll be there when your sister graduates as well.
I'm not the most religious or spiritual person by far...but there are certain things that have convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they never truly leave us. My father passed when I was just 10 years old. I too felt cheated, and angry. But I know he's still here with me...the day my daughter was born, I felt a presence in the room, and as she was laying on the warmer screaming her head off...I suddenly got very warm, and she stopped crying and just laid there quiet and peaceful and appeared to be gazing at someone. (Yes, I know I'm an OB nurse and know that babies have different reactions to birth...) He's come to me in dreams...
Anyway...long tangent sorry. Please know that I'm here if you ever need a virtual shoulder...
Hope you are having a better day today. Please keep your doctor informed about how you are doing. Spend all the time you can with your little ones because mine really distract me and cheer me when I am down. Sending hugs your way!
In your time of sadness, I send my condolences. Take it one day at a time and it will get easier. I will definately be praying for you and your family.
Sorry, that you are feeling that way! I couldn't imagine what you may be going through. I hope you feel better soon!
Posted By:
11/21/2007 10:10
Dad
It's true what OneDitto said about Dad. I lost my Dad when I was 14. That was 15 years ago and I've always felt my Dad was with me for all my school graduations, proms, wedding, and births. Just think about your Dad for a second in the spiritual world. He is there! Just not physically in our world, only spiritually and I'm sure he wouldn't want to see you all angry and bitter. He loves you and wants you to be happy. I like to believe that my Dad is guardian angel to my 2 years old daughter and I believe your Dad is watching your kids as well.
I have been writing a journal to my daughter about my Dad. I want her to know who he was, so I began writing all the good memories I had with him and what kind of person he was. I feel good doing this because I'm keeping the memory of my Dad alive and passing it down to the next generations. You would not believe the amazing experience of doing family history work. I hope you consider doing something like that to help sort out your feelings and bring your Dad to a positive light for yourself and your kids. :)
God would give me words of encouragement to give you. I agree with the post from above about thinking of your Dad in the spiritual world.....he is actually here with you. You can't see him or feel him, but, if you stop for just a few minutes and close your eyes.....you will feel his sweet spirit there with you. Try doing that at certain times everyday and see what happens. Being angry is a natural part of the grieving process, however, that usually occurs soon after the loss. Keep staying in touch with your doctor, maybe anti-depressants will help.
I know how that feels in fact I never knew my father I was only 2yrs old when he got killed . Hit and run accident in the fog. Every time it's foggy it's like I get really SAD and I feel his presence near. Sorry for the loss, remember his spirit lives on forever and you may dream of him if he knows your worried. It's ok. Perhaps doing some research online would help you cope. In the long run everything will be ok. It will take time to heal. Try to stay focused on your day to day tasks. I use to lay in bed all the time and then eat at night watching Roseanne re-runs lol. I too have Anxiety and it's unbearable sometimes. It's like No one understands me or they think I am NUTS lol oh well let them think whatever huh. I hope now you have coped with it . Stay strong!! Thanks for commenting me and keep in touch! Sky
oh well let them think whatever huh. I hope now you have coped with it . Stay strong!! Thanks for commenting me and keep in touch! 
Sky