The Day before WI
Why is it, that the day before WI always seems so hard.
I know I will go WI, not like when I joined WW and I could just say I didn't want to sit in a meeting so I would run in and weigh and leave. With JC, I know my counselor is going to talk to me about how my week has gone and I do enjoy the one on one.
Also because I bought a life time membership to JC I really feel committed to go. It would be way to much money to blow.
But I dread the day before WI much more than I do WI day.
I hope I will begin to get over that. Perhaps I should just start doing something special on Tuesdays so I don't think so much about it. Even tho I know I have been on program. I haven't cheated, I am always afraid I will have gained. Sometimes I wonder how I can eat so much and not gain. When before I ate very little and gained or stayed fat all the time. I know I had my body in starvation mode, and that is why I wasn't losing.
My goodness, I think I am beginning to see I do have an eating disorder. Its not that I love to eat, its that I hate to eat. So why am I not extremely thin??? Before JC, I would not eat all day long, and then at night I would have dinner and then snack on stuff during the evening. My body hung on to every bite. Learning to eat on a schedule has not been easy for me. Sunday I just couldn't make myself eat. I finally forced myself to eat lunch, it tasted good but I had to choke it down. (for those reading this I apologize for the rambling, but I am just letting my thoughts flow to see where it was going). Looking back on my life before JC and even Sunday, I realize I may need to discuss this with someone. And I think as I write this I know why I have done this to myself. It started as a teenager, when I would get up alone to go to school, I would get my lunch money and go to the corner store and buy a honey bun and a Pepsi, and then I couldn't eat lunch because I had no money.
So I would come home from school and have a sandwich then dinner a few hours later. I started a path then that here I am at 54 and I am still on it. There was a lot of guilt in what I was doing. First my mother thought I was eating lunch. Second, I wasn't suppose to be going into the store. I knew if I was caught I would be in so much trouble. Wow you never realize where your problems start until you start working hard at them.
Then suddenly you uncover a secret that was so buried you forgot it.. I guess this is what you might call a breakthrough.