Frumpy

Ya know what kills me?  How is it that I can wake up one morning and feel ok with myself, and the very next day, wake up and see a totally different person in the mirror?  I wish I could say this  was a result of mad raging hormones..but yeah.. it's not. 

Anyway, speaking of mirrors, I never look in mine naked. Ever. I think I would rather go to lunch with Pigmy Head Hunters than have to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at myself.  All of the magazines talk about how we should love our bodies for whatever shape they are in. But, when all I can remember is how hot I used to be, the thought of looking at flabby cellulite filled thighs is not something I want to do for fun... unless maybe I have a margarita in my hand

I know, I know..it's obsessive, and I just can't help it.  One of my best friends was in town this weekend, home from Iraq.  He's home for 2 months before going back home again.  There was a split second where I was thinking I can't go. I am going to look so fat and "Christina will be there and she is super hot and skinny, Molly will be there and she is super hot and skinny" etc.... and it took me 5 minutes to tell my brain that I am worth loving, no matter what size I am, that it is ridiculous to cancel plans because of the size of my butt, and that if these people don't like me because of that they are not worth my time anyway.  And, even though I forced myself to go, and I had a great time, every time I moved and felt my stomach roll  fall out over my jeans  I wanted to die.

Ok, whatever. There are bigger problems in the world than the size of my butt. Seriously.  Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.  I'm beginning to realize that breaking bad habits is done by one decision at a time.  Learning to be disciplined is litterally a one foot a head of the other kind of process.  Every time I turn away from the M&M's, I feel a little more empowered. Every time I go to the gym when all I want to do is sit at home in PJ's and my Tivo, I feel like I am one step closer to my goal.

Ok.. I think I'm ready to face the day!

Brand New Day

Blogging is a whole new thing for me.  I"ve never really been one who keeps a diary or a journal, but that could be because I've always been afraid someone would find it and read it.  One of the benefits of blogging is that it is totally anonymous.  How cool is that?

I have always had some type of issue with food. In high school and college, I was probably anorexic.  But, back in the early 90's that term was not used as loosely as it is now. Plus, I lived in Miami, which is the anorexic capital of the world.  Everyone there is hot and skinny, so it was considered normal to live on protein shakes and work out like a maniac. 

After college and the "big life altering break up" with the fiance a month before the wedding, my life kind of took another turn.  I got really obessive about things. I would hide food in  my bedroom. I would eat it super fast before my roommates would come home and then hide the evidence underneath all the other trash in the garbage so no one would see it.  I used to cancel plans at the last minute because I thought I looked fat and no one would like me. I would exercise like a maniac, but consume enough calories to still gain 30 pounds. I would go for days without eating anything more than a 100 calorie shake. I have been on every diet known to man, and I've failed at every one.  I have such strong thoughts about food that it has made me to insane things  (more on that later).

I used the word "would" above, but that is not correct. It should have been "I am" doing all that stuff because I am still doing it. I went an saw a counselor for the second time in my life, and she thinks I have bulemia.  

I always thought bulemics were people who threw up. I had no idea that "purging" could be on laxatives, (i'm a cleaning tea kind of girl!) or excessive exercise, or starving themself for a couple days or really anything that a person tries to do to rid themselves of all the extra calories they consumed. 

I was kind of happy when I read that. I thought I just sucked at dieting and it was something I could just add to my growing list of failures.  But, when I realized that my MIND is the problem and not just my willpower or lack of discipline, it kind of makes it easier to deal with.  Instead of thinking "I blew my diet today, I might as well eat the whole bag of Dorito's", I can think "ok, this is just your mind. Put down the Dorito's and step away".  It makes it easier to see myself from an outside persepective.

Anyway, I"m excited about this website. I am going to use my food log and activity log and I am going to be totally honest.  I have also made a rule that there will be no more hiding food or eating in front of the tv or in my bedroom or at my desk at work.  I am going to sit down at a table everytime I eat. Well, that might be too strict, but I am going to take the time to focus on the food I eat. Not just let myself be distracted by tv, work, or a book. I think that makes it easy for me to just keep on shovelling it in! 

Ok...I think that's it. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am pretty excited about trying to establish new behavior patterns.