A different kind of thought record

I feel so very very weird and annoyed and grumpy and pissed off - I could sit here and list the whole gamut of things that is contributing to this feeling but I have just done that on the phone to a friend and d'you know what I'm sick of it all - I can't see what the breakthrough is going to be - it all feels so worryingly predictable - I am just sitting with my rage and being grumpy. I would assume I feel like this because I was close to a breakthrough. Maybe a breakthrough in both my creative work on The Artist's Way and maybe one in thought so I am fighting it. Maybe my long overdue period is finally due.

If I weren't on LL right now I would be drinking right now - if I wasn't drinking I would be eating. Instead I am avoiding doing the creative work I want to do because I have too many ideas and I am worried about where to start I am procrastinating over a big deadline and my body has learned to dread Sundays.

I want a cuddle. I want a silly conversation. I want a glass of wine - I want something nice to eat. (haha - 'nice') I don't want to be sitting here with this rage. This sense of emptiness. This not knowing what I want - this kind of futility.

I don;t know what I want and that frustrates me. Nothing seems worth having - and today really highlighted that. I got bored of watching the film I wanted to watch halfway through. I had two baths that I didn't need. I went shopping and wasn't particularly delighted. I keep obsessing over food blogs and recipe books and it feels unhealthy staring at what I can't have and enjoy for real. I am sick to the back teeth of doing thought records and thinking about myself and my stupid life. I keep wanting the most trivial, useless, pointless things. I am not satisfied with some of the choices I am making at the moment - I am happy, I know I am happy but I am angry about why I am happy - it goes against my values. I feel superficial for only being happy because I've lost the weight. I am angry at how much stock people have set by me being thin. I've realised that my Mum needs me to be thin more than I needed it - she wants to parade me in front of her friends. I hate that men are attracted to me. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME? I hate the way the world works. And yet, and yet - I can;t think of one sigle thing other than food that would assuage this for even a second - I guess that the lightbulb about to flash is this...

Food, like all the other things I've rejected as salves this evening, is no more the answer. It is a thing, no more or less innocuous than the baths, books, crap telly, comfy pillows, cups of tea that when I am in a mood like ths helps no more or less than any of those other things. It is not the solution. Maybe there is no answer tonight other than just switching off the laptop and just going to sleep.

There. That feels a bit better.

Rant over.