I can't believe I fell off the wagon and gained weight. (oh yeah - I can!) I struggle with perfectionism and when I feel that I am not performing up to my expectations - I throw it down in frustration.
About a month or two ago, I went to my doctor for blood tests - wondering why my metabolism had skyrocketed to a negative number (gaining weight no matter what I did!) and my tests came back negative (that I had no thyroid problem) although I did have a problem with cholesterol (at 24 years old!)
I called her a few times, asking for help and she just replied that I needed to exercise EVERY DAY and to eat a low carb, low in bad fats diet. Easier said than done. What I eat, for the most part is JUST FINE.. but my biggest concern (other than the constant gaining weight) was my energy level. I am constantly tired. (If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant...)
I can literally take a nap for an hour or two every day. Some days, I cannot get up and I just sleep on and off all day. When I am not sleeping, I feel blah. Even riding in the car with my boyfriend, I feel incredibly drained. That is why I was PRETTY certain something was wrong with my thyroid - even if it didn't show up on tests (and it doesn't always). But she refused to consider that option. (I guess because both my parents are considerably overweight and diabetic.)
I am just sick.. and tired of being fat. I feel like nothing even fits me anymore. My fat clothes don't even fit me. Everything is just so tight and doesn't look good on me. I look like a heffer in all my pictures. I miss feeling confidant about myself.
...
On another note, I ordered some supplements recommended by a bodybuilder/fitness model friend of mine.
SYNTRAX- FYRE: I thought it would help stimulate my energy level and it doesn't give me jitters like other stuff has which is good since I have to be careful of energy stimulants because of my anxiety disorder. So far I haven't had any problems and on the days I remember to take it - I'm awake (which is a GOOD thing!) I almost feel as if I have a normal energy level.
SYNTRAX- Guggulbolic: This is a thyroid regulator and it turns out it also helps ot lower cholesterol after taking it for 1-4 months.. so I think I am going to just test it out and see if it helps with my cholestorol at all.
CHEATERS Relief: Because I am such a carb addict. Not that I plan on cheating.. but it will cut down some on the carbs that I AM eating. Since my body throughly hates carbs.. this should help. I don't always remember to take the dose before or after. Sometimes I take it before but forget after.. or sometimes after but forget before. Probably doesn't work like that.. :-/ I'll work on the consistancy.
...
Also stressed out because school is out for the summer which means I have no money. I have a house payment and car payment .. insurance.. credit cards.. living.. breathing.. mouths to feed.. and no income to do it with until August 1st. Luckily my parents are giving me tasks to do for my mom's company and at their house (housekeeper.. geesh) - and they will keep me out of the red until August.
But the stress is eating me alive. (Only wish it were the kind of stress that kept me from eating..) Instead it's the "I'm so stressed out, let's drive to Brusters everyday and order a large birthday cake ice cream with reeses cups in it and if that's not close let's go to McDonalds and order a swamp sludge mcflurry!"
I haven't had one of those in two days so .. at least that's something. (Man, I am pathetic!)
I have gained .4lbs this week (almost half a lb!) but have lost over 2inches. I blame that partially on my inability to have any form of control this week.
I did, not once, go to the gym or do my videos and I over ate my limit on quite a few days.. going to 1500 calories and 1700 calories on a few days and over 2,100 calories on another and I cant even count yesterday what I ate because.. I would hate to know.
I went to a breakfast place called Peach Valley and had 2 apple fritters (I would have had more but I was trying to display SOME self control) with strawberry yogurt (about a tablespoon).
I also had about 2 large buttermilk pancakes with a tablespoon of butter and some syrup. For lunch .. I have no idea but it probably wasn't healthy. I can't even remember what I had.
For lunch, Darling and I went to City Walk in Orlando and went to the new Bubba Gump's Seafood restaurant. I had 1 midori sour, 1 two minute warning and about half of Darling's drink that was something with peach and razmatazz in it. Alcohol/liquor is a silent killer. But at least with the liquor, you feel so woozy you don't care you've probably consumed about 500-600 calories and it went no where (but to your thighs, maybe?)
For an appetizer I had two hush puppies. (Again, holding some control). Then I had for dinner about 7-8 coconut shrimp with about 1.5 cups of seasoned fries and 1-2 tablespoons of orange jam. Yes, the cocanut shrimp was fried as were everything in that restaurant.
So now I am at 166.4, when last week I was at 166. My goal this week is to GO to the gym (for one) and not eat above the 1,300 calories.
This morning I had 1 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch (190) with 1 serving of Yoplait Light & Creamy Yogurt (100).
For snack/lunch I've had one skinny cow vanilla ice cream sandwich (140) and will probably have a carnation instant breakfast (150).
Today being easter, and my brother's birthday (He's 19) Darling and I are going to my parent's house for a steak dinner. Now, how much am I going to have?
Steak (5oz) = 187 calories Green Beans (2 cups) = 68 calories (but it's Buffalo Green Beans so we'll say it's an even 100 calories just in case. 1 large baked potato (fake butter with salt/pepper) = 160 calories ------------ Dinner = 447 calories (approx)
I did so well the previous few weeks and this week I just .. wasn't doing so hot. I felt hormonal and stressed and I was just so HUNGRY all the time. I showed absolutely little willpower. It wasn't a pretty site. Luckily it was only a small gain and (still) a nice loss in inches. Next week I vow to at least lose the .4lbs I gained!
Hopefully I can get down to 165 by next week. (Wow my goals went from a 2lb weight loss a week to .4 loss). Wierd. But - any loss, small or large is better than even the smallest gain.
I only lost .2lbs this week. That is right - POINT 2!! Not 2lbs, POINT 2! Not even a pound! The results are pretty disappointing because I worked really hard this week. I SHOULD have lost more. Or
HAVE I NOT really worked THAT hard this week? Now I am going to go through my entire week and PLAN what I am going to EAT and what I am going to DO.
Goal (M) Gym Burn 250 calories on the Elliptical Burn 100 calories on Treadmill. Burn 50 calories on the stationary bike. TOTAL: 400 Calories BURNED.
EAT 1300 calories (no more than) (700 saved)
(T) Home Burn 100 calories on the elliptical home gym. Burn 150 calories with Dance Dance Revolution. TOTAL: 250 calories BURNED.
EAT 1300 calories (no more than!) (700 saved)
(W) GYM Burn 250 Calories on the Elliptical Burn 100 Calories on the Treadmill Burn 50 Calories on the Stationary Bike. TOTAL: 400 Calories BURNED.
EAT " " (700 saved)
(TH) Home Burn 100 calories on Elliptical Homegym. Do Video BURNED (100 calories)
EAT " " (700 saved)
(F) GYM Burn 250 calories on Elliptical Burn 150 calories on the Treadmill Burn 100 calories on the Stationary Bike TOTAL: 500 Calories Burned.
EAT " " (700 saved)
(Sa) HOME Burn 100 calories elliptical. Burn 150 calories Dance Dance Revolution. Do Video. TOTAL: (250 calories) BURNED.
EAT " " (700 saved)
TOTAL WEEKLY: 1,900 BURNED 4,200 SAVED ---------------- 6,100 (-1.74lbs)
Goal Weight Next Week: 164.3
Now that we have established how much I HOPE that I weigh next week, let's go on to measurements because surely, 3.5 inches was just not enough of a loss for me, especially since 3.25 inches came
from my ab region, something I am not even remotely sensitive about. I would have much rather it come out of my thigh/arm regions, thankyouverymuch.
I was told today that there will not be a position for me next school year. (I am a teacher who was a year long temp position). Even though the teacher whose job I was temping for is not coming back, seniority gets my position first. Again, I have to find a means for a job. Again, I do not have job security.
Teachers = no job security. (Not many people believe that, but it is completely true). It's a harsh career.
So - what did I do? Well, I hardly ate for the majority of the day. I cried for the other half and then I went to the gym and pushed myself to be more - do more. I stayed on the elliptical for 30 minutes and burned 250 calories. Then I went to the treadmill and burned another 85. For a total of 50 minutes, my lazy but did some sweet, fat-burning cardio.
I lifted some weights for another half an hour, 45 minutes and then made my way home. Am I hungry for dinner? It being 7:30? No - but I could probably do for a blueberry WW muffin. Or - maybe I am just thirsty?
Anyway - I feel really rejected right now. Really confused and lost. But the one thing I am not giving up on... my diet/eating habits. I am determined to succeed in SOMETHING! It might as well be this!
I survived my first week of my new life with a loss of 3.8lbs. Just shows that hard work DOES pay off. Can I do it again? Can I lose some more weight by next week?! YAY! I hope to get into the early 150's.. maybe.. by the time the school year (work for me!) is over!
I guess that is why my "fat" jeans (size 16! blah!) are starting to fit again... I can't WAIT to get back into my 14s... (sigh)
But - isn't that GREAT news? I lost 3.8lbs this week!!!!!!
One of my close friends is coming by in the next half an hour, few hours. (Not sure exactly when..) But she's coming by with the intent to exercise via Dance Dance Revolution. We met in highschool and for some reason, we always enjoyed gaming together whether it be THE SIMS, or THE GAME OF LIFE or ROME. Now we're both going to play around with DDR. I am sure with her there, we will do a lot more together than I would do on my own. We'll be so focused on competing against each other than the calories we burn and/or how long it is taking. Hopefully I can burn a few hundred, at least!
Last night I popped in my Eye Toy Kinetic game and set up my user profile. The first exercise I did was this aerobic exercise in which I hit orbs on my screen through a series of kicks and hits. The only problem is - they expect your whole body to be ni the screen while I could only fit half o my body so I did mostly hits when they should have been kicks. I have to fix that.. Darling suggested I put it on top of the TV and point it down at me (TV is set up high) rather than below the TV resting on the PS2. The next activity was some sort of martial arts activity in which there is this huge flying orb floating around and you have to duck from it while hitting and kicking mini orbs that come flying towards it. You can't hit the big orb or have the little orbs hit the big orb or you lose points.
All in all, I enjoyed the program and earned a B for my grade for the day. My goal next time is to earn an A of course! Here are my stats for the Kinetic Game.
Cardo= easy mode. 10 minutes. Score = 7788 Verdict = professional. Mass disc chain = 69 discs. Average reaction time = .32 seconds. Calories = 73
In just over 13 minutes, I burned 99 calories, which I thought was pretty exciing. After that, they have an optional body toning workshop in which you can tone your abs, legs, back, arms - etc. You can also do other activities like martial arts, ballet (I think).. and other things. I did the ab workout which was easy to follow AT FIRST. But then they have you do some sort of push up type pose called "The plank" in which - what the hell? I thought this was beginner?! My back is not that strong (I have to work on that!) and I could not do it so I just sat there and watched. I did, however, do the majority of the other exercises.
I really feel that this time, my life is on track and is going to be different. (OH!) I forgot.. I got my PERIOD! I am not supposed to get it for 2 weeks. I just got over it a few weeks ago.. I am on the pill so I know when to expect it but I got it out of no where and I do NOT understand it. Could it be because the change in diet? The change in exercise? I mean seriously - what the hell?
(I tend to be a little ADD and go off topic) But anyway - this is the most I have exercised in a while. I really hope that I have lost a lb at least because I don't want to be doing all of this.. for nothing. That is my BIGGEST fear - that I will bust my ass to lose weight but NOTHING happens! (whimpers).
Since I do not know where my scale is, I went and purchased a measuring tape to keep track of my measurements instead. (Wouldn't that be easier, anyway?!) I can focus on losing inches rather than losing pounds. Because I may gain 3lbs but lose 3 inches because I've gained muscle. I don't want to freak out if I focus just on the scale.
My mini goal is to lose 10 1/2 inches total, stemming from various parts. (I would mostly like to lose in my hips/butt, thoughts and bicep). I would like to loose my jiggle!
I've been really good with exercising although I didn't exercise yesterday due to a fight with my darling (I felt really depressed!) We did however go to check out Planet Fitness near us. However when we got there, we discovered it was currently being BUILT. I'm bummed. I really wanted to start it right away!
I've done exceptional with my eating, however and I have counted up the calories I have saved (3,925) and the calories I have burned off this week so far (747) = 4,672 calories saved! If all calculations are accurate, I should be 1.33lbs lighter!
I don't want to do this.. I don't want to do this..
Is what I kept saying to myself as I was exercising. Maybe it was because I got a late start and didn't get home until 8 and I was tired. Either way, for the past hour and a half those thoughts kept repeating in my head.
Over and over and over again.
But then I thought to myself, "Okay - I'll do 100 calories and then I'll quit." But as soon as those thoughts entered my head and the phrase, "I'll quit." came to par, then I said "NO! I am going all the way to 200 calories."
And I did. I made it through it. I kept at it until I burned off my daily goal of 200 calories. I feel tired. But, I feel like a winner.
Last Monday I had a blood test done to see why I was having a difficult time losing weight. I figured something must be wrong with my thyroid, right? As for my thyroid - she said nothing of it. But I was informed that my cholesterol levels are slightly elevated AND my bad cholesterol levels are slightly elevated. They recommended that I have a low cholesterol, low animal-fat diet with increased exercise.
As if I hadn't been TRYING. (But maybe I hadn't been trying hard ENOUGH?)
I can't believe I am freaking 24 years old and have to worry about my cholesterol. I thought those worries came after you hit the 30 year mark. (I've been living in my own world, obviously!) On top of that, my pap smear came back which states that I have a slight inflammation of the uterus. Whatever that means. She said it was common and nothing to worry about but it got me so depressed last night. What if it turned into cancer .. or worse - what if I can't have kids? I mean, my future kids are a big motivational tool for what I am doing in my life right now. However now I have a new motivation.
My life. My health.
Never before had it been an issue. Even though my parents are severely overweight, both diabetic and my Dad having had a heart attack before - I just didn't think at 24 that I would have physical signs on my body that I wasn't healthy because of poor diet. (God, I am so naive!)
I set some goals for myself yesterday although by the time I finished it - Darling begged to go to bed so he could hold me and I didn't get to write them up. I will do so now:
Goal #1 - No more than 1,300 calories a day. Goal #2 - Burn 200 calories via cardio a day. Goal #3 - Eat 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of veggies a day.
I know I will have more but I haven't really had much time to sit down and really plan it over. With the first two goals I have been doing wonderful. Goal #3, I have also managed to attain. Tonight I finished my round of "Dance Dance Revolution". Hell, I went and bought another game for it. The first one I got was "DDR: Supernova." But I wanted some more songs so I purchased "DDR: Extreme 2". I also had to buy a memory card since I misplaced mine and I wanted to keep track of my progress.
So far I have "jogged" close to 4 miles. It's pretty cool! It also graphs the calories you burn every day.
While at GAME STOP, I also purchased another game. "Kinetic". It comes with an EYE TOY (camera) you hook up to your PS2. It is a personal trainer in a box! It tells you what to do with different parts of your body and using the camera, it judges your performance and you set goals for yourself.
I got as far as setting up my profile when I had to go pick Darling up from work. (don't even want to go into that!) But I hope to try it out tomorrow.
By the way - I still can't find my bathroom scale. But.. that's probably a good thing, right? Don't I want to be surprised come Sunday when I step on the scale (when I DO find it) and I'm back in the 160's?
I asked Darling to go with me to Game Stop today so I could purchase DDR as I've heard that many people have had great success in losing weight. I found one for about $60 (w/ the game mat).
At first - it was tough. Then, I started getting the hang of it. I get focused on getting the beat right and getting "perfects". Before you know it, I made my workout goal of 30 calories within a few songs. So, I do it again. Before you know it, 60 calories. 60 calories quickly burned into 130.
I was working out for an HOUR! I was sweating and gulping down water (and Diet Mountain Dew) and it wasn't like I was BORED (as I usually am working out - which is why I decline to do it). I was having FUN!
So if you are like me in which you HATE exercise but love to dance and love music (and are slightly geeky, lol) then I definitely recommend DDR. (I can't wait to play tomorrow!)
Today I did pretty well eating wise (1,399 calories!) Minus 130 calories cardio = 1,269 (about). Fun.
