I feel I have been very neglectful of you Extrapounders! I apologize. I feel like I've failed all of you strangers if I don't lose any weight. The rest of you are doing so well, I'd hate to let you down. I've been stuck from 215-219 for a couple of weeks now, and it's disheartening. I really liked being on the phentermine, but I had to take a month off of it because my doctor said so. In the meantime, I had a flare-up of carpal tunnel syndrome! Lame! So now I have a very unattractive splint to wear when my wrist hurts. I talked to my advisor (because what are industrial engineers if not specialists in ergonomics) and he gave me ways to improve my posture and take the strain off of my wrist.
So it's a go- I am officially leaving school! I feel the hugest relief! Please oh please let me pass the actuary exam. Probability might just be one of my favorite things, ever, so please send good vibes my way! Pray that I spend the summer constructively! I'm taking an exam prep class in June and July, and the exam is in August.
I'm just so.... ready to start earning for myself, you know? I could see taking my time in school if it was just me I was supporting, but I have Elizabeth, so there's no reason for me to not be working right now! My parents were always okay with me going to school, but this is a little much. I don't even like it. I thought I would, but then I saw how much physics is involved, and hell to the no. I didn't lose my love for math, so that's what I'm going back to. Nervous excitement!!
However, before I can do the no-school dance, I have to get through finals. And the physics final is this evening. I'm going to come out with a solid D. Which is better than the F I got in it last semester, but come on. Chemistry I have given up on, and my grade in there plummeted. Oh well. Big fat A in statistics, though. Big fat C in econ, too. They can't all be winners.
Ok! So I'm back on the glorious phentermine, and will use the 2 months on it constructively this time, paying attention and making sure I get enough calories in a day, so I can not crash when I stop taking it. Big plans, big plans!
Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. Here I am talking about school. I really, really hate physics. I'm very bad at it, and I don't like it. I'm already repeating the first one, and I'm still not going to pull a C out of it. This would not be as bad if I didn't have to take four more after it. So, industrial engineering is not for me. I have the first degree to fall back on, but I still feel like a very big failure. I've never given up on such a big undertaking before. And now I have a $15k loan to pay back with no job. If I don't pass the actuary exam this summer, I'm kind of screwed. But there's no reason for me to not pass it, it's what I like.
I dyed my hair dark brown. I like it. My hair hasn't been dark in a very long time. It matches my eyebrows now.
Today I have to go and buy a swimsuit. I don't want to. I don't have a phobia about them or anything, but I prefer not to show myself in one. But now I'm going to a pool party tomorrow at my aunt's house, and I KNOW Elizabeth is going to want to swim, and it isn't fair for me to not let her swim just because I don't want to, when everyone else will be in the pool. Oh well, it's just my family. They've seen me larger.
i just want to show you what I know and catch you when the current lets you go
It's been awhile since I've blogged... The Killers concert was AWESOME! I fainted! Well, I didn't faint when The Killers came on, but I fainted right after Papa Roach played (they did an incredible set, which I was not expecting) and had to spend the next two bands (Jet and AFI) recovering in time to go absolute batshit crazy when The Killers came on. Oh, it was such a great time!
Oh, and I'm dropping out of school. I'm going to take the actuary exam again and hope for the best. There's no reason that I shouldn't do well on it, I've had probability a million times by now. And I'm taking a prep class this summer. Physics is killing me, and I can't suffer through three more physics classes (four, if I don't pass this one, which I won't, and this is already the second time I've taken it. I'm too old to be in school, anyway. It's time to grow up and support myself.
I don't like coming on EP unless I've lost weight, even a tenth of a pound. I feel like it'd disappoint people. I'm 216 now! WOO! I haven't been 216 in a couple of years!
Anyway, I've got some things to do, but I just wanted to check in with the no one that reads my blog to show that I'm still around.
I had a very, very nice weekend! Thursday I packed up Elizabeth and we went over to Baton Rouge to stay with my friend for my birthday extravanganza. Friday morning I had to wake up and go take a statistics exam. I have to say, I kicked that test's ass up and down the hall! I am so proud of myself! Ha! No one studied Tukey's test! SARA studied Tukey's test! Nice, nice last day of class before spring break.
Saturday my friend and her 3-year-old daughter and my Elizabeth (who is 4-and-a-half) and I went to New Orleans to spend the night downtown, which was loads of fun! We got the girls cheerleader outfits and let them jump around the beds, which was the most fun ever to them. The next morning we woke up and groomed ourselves for a couple hours, then went to Commander's Palace for the jazz brunch, which was so awesome, you just don't know! Everything I had was the best I've ever had! The best Bloody Mary I've ever had, the best turtle soup I've ever had, the best fish I've ever had, and even the best coffee I've ever had! Coffee so black that after adding cream to it, it's STILL black! Not to mention the jazz trio wandering around the room entertaining us!
Now, let's talk about food. You all will be proud to know that I was very responsible on the food front. Of course we ate out a lot (it was my birthday, for crying out loud!) but I chose wisely and ate small amounts. And still had a great time! Really, that turtle soup was incredible.
My sister gave me pearl earrings for my birthday. My first fancy earrings!
Ben comes home tomorrow!! Oh man, I am SO EXCITED! I haven't seen him since January 9!!! I have missed him SO MUCH! AAAHHHH!!!!!
Leave your legacy in gold on the plaques that line the hall
Last night I tried on all of my pants from a year and a half ago that didn't fit anymore, and guess what! They fit! I don't have to wear jeans every single day anymore! Last summer's shorts fit, too! I am so HOT!! Waaaahhhoooooo!!
After some very violating and disgusting and UNLADYLIKE procedures that I won't go into, I had a couple polyps removed from my colon. I had the fear of the cancer for a day, but they tested negative. So, aside from the sore behind, I'm a-ok!
April is almost here... very hard to believe. I'm spending the rest of the day on school stuff, now that I've missed two days of class. It isn't like I didn't have a legitimate excuse, but still... way behind.
This afternoon I am going to the doctor. I'm telling you now, what I'm about to say is gross. I've been pooping a lot of blood for two days. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear about poo, but it is what it is, and it is full of blood. So now I have to expose myself to my doctor, who I generally like. This bothers me more than the blood. I usually only moon strangers.
I've been somewhat improving my performance in school. My mindset is different, anyway. We're doing gravitation in physics, which I actually did not fail last semester, so that's encouraging. Stats is going to take some work, but it's definitely not out my reach. Yesterday's chemistry test was a dud, especially since I discovered my bloody butt problem right before it. Last week's econ test was a real mess. I don't even want to talk about it.
I'm not stupid, you know. It's not like I don't have the capacity to learn anything. I mean, I already have a freakin degree in mathematics, of all things! That shit was not easy! I realize that circumstances are different now. I had a 5-minute commute then; I have a 90-minute commute now. I had an easy-to-take-care-of infant then; I have a hyperactive 4-and-a-half-year-old now. I had two supportive parents then; I have one supportive parent now. Then-boyfriend was in the same city then; then-boyfriend-now-fiance is in another country now. But it isn't like I don't have time for schoolwork. I do. I can't believe I've messed up this semester so badly. I'm doing major damage control before I fail. Yeesh, what a mess.
I gained about a half pound, which doesn't really bother me. Once I finish the phentermine, I'm going to take adderall, which I know is not a wise, grownup decision (since it isn't exactly prescribed to me), but oh well. I'm doing it anyway.
Now I'm going to clean the kitchen and my room, and take Elizabeth out to blow some bubbles before I have to go get my behind looked at. Good lord, it's going to suck. I mean, it doesn't hurt or anything. It's just.... seriously bloody. Sorry, I'll stop talking about my butt.
I have been... not okay lately. I'm not sick or anything, but I have been acting very out-of-character. Before I started trying to lose weight, I could find any reason to not exercise and only feel a little guilty about it afterward. Recently, though, I skipped some workouts and MAN, the shame that followed! So I haven't lost but .3 lbs in the past week. I hadn't even stepped on the scale. I'm half-assing my way through school, and my grades are suffering because of it. I have spent countless hours for the past few weeks in the yard, pulling weeds out of the grass. I haven't even been playing with my daughter as much. What the hell? Last weeked I told myself OKAY WOMAN, get your ass in gear and do some work. And of course I didn't. So one thing followed after another. I stopped doing homework, I stopped exercising, I stopped talking to people, I stopped entertaining Elizabeth and let her watch more movies than usual.
So at this point I've just about failed a test in each class, and I'm so embarrassed. And I lost a peon amount of weight, and I'm feeling fatter than ever.
And I have so much to look forward to! April is supposed to be so kickass! My 27th birthday is April 1st! My best friend is taking me to jazz brunch at Commander's Palace and the aquarium with the kids! And then my fiance is coming home from med school for spring break! And then is X-FEST!!! Yet I haven't been taking care of business so that I'll even deserve the fun stuff that's going to take place.
Sheesh.
I know it's a phase, though. THIS is the weekend I will get my act together. Come Monday, I will be as responsible and efficient as ever.
1. Elizabeth goes to Children's Hospital Monday for an eye appointment (she's half blind, pretty much).
2. Stats homework due Monday.
3. Chemistry homework due Monday night.
4. Physics homework due Tuesday night.
5. Econ homework due Wednesday.
6. Bring lunch papers and proof of residence to the elementary school.
7. Mail off taxes.
8. Jeez oh man, clean my room.
9. And bathroom.
10. Backup my hard drive, since it's on its last leg.
11. Cut the grass, weedeat.
12. Go through monster stack of papers that I threw clothes on top of to ignore.
13. Balance checkbook.
14. Email pictures of Elizabeth to my sister.
15. Make a food plan, for Christ's sake.
16. Print Laura's notes.
17. Exercise, for crying in the mud. Do that Biggest Loser video. It was hard, but it was good.
Yikes. I should get started. Thanks for reading, I just needed to gripe to someone for a bit, and this is a good place for it. Hope you all have a lovely weekend!
I've had a really nasty few days. I took a physics test last night, and it was awful. My skin is being crazy, too. And I'm supposed to be in class right now, but since a certain fiance kept me on the phone in a panic until 2 in the morning, I only got two and a half hours of sleep, so I woke up feeling like shit. So much like shit that I decided not to go to school at all today, which is a big deal.
My doctor said that she's only giving me one more month of phentermine, because I lost weight too fast. I lost just under 20 pounds in a month, which doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Of course I didn't object to her, since she's my doctor and I really like her. But really, my first reaction (that I had to hold in) was to give her the finger. I got over the anger in minutes, though, and burst into tears as soon as I got back to the parking lot. Why can't I take the stuff for more than two months? I doubt the shit's going to kill me. I'm not going all Sara-Goldfarb-Requiem-for-a-Dream, seeing attacking refrigerators and crap. I'm tolerating it just fine, so what's the big fucking deal?
I am not ready to stop taking the phen. I need more time to get my eating habits in gear before she just cuts me off. It isn't like I take more than I'm supposed to. What am I supposed to do? I have one month's worth left, and then I'm screwed.
I'm really tempted to get some by other means, which I KNOW is very, very wrong. Just like I knew that my binge eating was very, very wrong. Did it anyway, though. Did I just find something different to obsess over? Maybe I am Sara-Goldfarb-Requiem-for-a-Dream-ing. My name IS Sara, after all.
Well, I have 30 days to think about it.
I'd really appreciate some input from you guys, even if it's to tear me a new one or give me a verbal face slap. I feel a little out of touch with reality at the mo'.
