Finally...

the heart monitor comes off tomorrow!  I'll feel so much freer with it off.  Right now it's constantly falling off.  I have the wires attached to my upper right chest and lower left chest then the monitor is clipped onto my pants.  Sometimes when I work out or bend over it comes off and out from under my shirt.  I've gotten more the a few curious and sometimes frightful looks like maybe its a bomb or something !

I've only had to "push the button" once in the past 30 days and that was only for about 20 seconds.  Seems like a wast of time and money but I guess I needed it just in case.

Still, it'll be nice to not feel like Frankenstein again.

Went back to the gym today...

and I feel so much better now that I've finally gone. I've been meaning to for weeks but was too lazy.  Hopefully now I'll continue.

lol - and I the only one out there who thinks of those guys on The Biggest Loser when I don't seem to be able to finish a rep? My arms are shaking and I'm sweating up a storm but I keep thinking how Jillian would kick their asses if they gave up now - gets me through every time !

The personal trainer there keeps calling me to get me to go with her.  I keep explaining that I'd love too but I just can't afford it...then I get the "you can't afford not to" speech.  Why do people need to be hit over the heat to take "no" for an answer?  I have to be nice to her, I see her at the gym all the time.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!

This year I've had my unexpected bout with Atrial Fibrillation (A-Fib - I've never had it before) and ended up on & off a heart monitor and on some pill that lowered my pulse to about 40 which made me nearly comatose! 

Then I had my car accident that caused me 4-5 months of severe back pain and physical therapy. 

Next I had unexplained "stomach pains" where I went through tests for an ulcer, endoscopy, colonoscopy, pills, etc only to find out that it was probably my again unknown (I didn't know I had them) uterine fibroids.  I had an ultrasound & MRI and they found "more than 10" and most were larger than my uterus. 

I decided to go with the Uterine Fibroid Embolization and had it a few weeks ago and it may take months before I know if it works.  In the meantime I've had 3 "periods" in 4 weeks (my normal one just before the procedure and now two more since).  I was regular as clockwork (they were just heavy) prior to this so it's been frustrating the Hell out of me!  The doctor said it's "normal" as my body readjusts itself.  In the meantime they think this is what was causing my stomach pains so we'll see.

But back to my heart, in July when I was fighting the back pain, on 800mg ibuprofen 3 times a day and trying to go to physical therapy and working full time (with a one hour drive each way to work) I couldn't do the low pulse anymore so I stopped the heart medication he gave me on my own. Afterall, I hadn't had a A-Fib attack before or since.  I was doing so much better and had more energy. 

Well, during my recovery from the Embolization I had two more bouts of A-Fib and he put me back on the medication.  I can barely get up for work in the morning and forget about exercising!  I'm on a heart monitor for another 30 days but so far haven't had another attack.  I'm certain now they are stress related and I don't need these damned pills!  Still, I'm not going to stop until I go back to the doctor.  But I decided to change cardiologist.  I want one who will tell me if I do THIS, THIS and THIS I can go off the medication.  I don't want one who throws pills at me and tells me too bad, you need them for the rest of your life.  I want a doctor who will work with me and not dictate to me. 

I have a referral to two of them but need to wait until I'm finished with this monitor because it's from the other doctor's office.  I'm hoping to have a whole new experience once I visit the new one but who knows.

My Sunday morning post...

nothing much new.  I'm going back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off for my surgery so hopefully I can start back with my heart healthy diet as the doctor insisted I go back on it.  I've managed not to have any caffeine since 09/21/08 so Yeah me!  (lol - hey, its something).

I'm going to the gym after work tomorrow come Hell or high water!  (lol - thanks mom for that saying).  I've had enough of laying around the house for the past few weeks. 

I'm feeling really well, very determined and good about the future "thin" me!

I'm back from my week of Hell...

and I wouldn't have wished that procedure on my worse enemy!  It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced.  Well, I should clarify, the produre it self wasn't so bad...it was the following 72 hours that were awful.  I had so much cramping pain that on a scale of 1-10 it was about a 12 at the worse point and subsided to about a 7 by the third day. 

The problem was that I had reactions to the pain meds first while in the hospital.  I kept getting sick every time they got me up to walk.  I finally kept 2 crackers down in order for them to release me the following day of the surgery.  After, I was on Vicodin at home and on Wednesday I started having a bout of A-fib with my heart.  I ended up back at the hospital and they assumed it was the Vicodin and took me off all pain meds but admitted me back into the hospital for another 24 hours.  I got home Thursday and still in a lot of pain (about a 5 by now) and my heart started having the same problems again but I chose to ignore it...stupid I know but I did NOT want to go back into the hospital for the 3rd time in a week (not to mention my co-pay was breaking me).   

I let it go until Friday morning but when my heart rate got up to 178 beats a minute I knew I couldn't put it off and at 6am had my sister take me there again.  It stopped before I got there so thank goodness they didn't admit me but they found my potassium levels low and put me on a 3 day therapy of that and got me back on a 30 day heart monitor and another medication to slow my heart and insisted I go back on my Healthy Heart Diet that I did so well on last January-March. 

I haven't been able to start it yet because I can't drive and have nothing really on the list to eat in my house but I hopefully plan to start tomorrow as I have to drive myself back to the doctor for a followup from the surgery.

We'll have to see if the surgery was a good choice or not but I won't know for months & months.  For now, I wish I would have chosen the hysterectomy.

Oh well, can't live with regrets can we?

Have a good week everyone

More embarrassing moments find me more determined than ever...

You know those moments that may seem small and though embarrassing, in and of themselves you can forget them but when you have several or more of them in a close period of time you find them too overwhelming and that you have to do something because you can't stand it anymore?

Well, it's been more than several for me in the past few months starting with that damned gynecologist who kept telling me that I need to have gastric bypass even though I told him it wasn't for me. 

Next came my physical therapy treatment I was having for my back pain from my car accident.  She was very nice but some of the stuff she wanted me to do I just couldn't and it was only due to my weight.

Then I had another MRI but this time it was for my fibroids instead of my back.  The one for my back went fine but the one for fibroids not so much.  I went to an open one but they had to wrap some sort of thing that looked like two heating pads around my stomach/abdomen and it barely fit.  He had to call in for help to push it together to make it work.  I was about ready to die of embarrassement.  Then I barely fit in the machine.  My stomach touched the top of it (this didn't happen with the other one I went to so they must all be different).  They had me get up and they took the cushioning out from underneath me and it seemed to work much better (after he had to call for the other guy again to help squeeze me back in the wrap thing).

Then I had my consultation with the radiologist about the procedure that I'm having tomorrow for the fibroids and he said he'd have to a"tape up my stomach" in order to hold it up so he can work down there.  He was very nice about it but again, I wanted to die.

Now for the hospital tomorrow; I'm more nervous about my size then I am the procedure.  I'm afraid I won't fit in the gown.  I'm afraid they'll have trouble lifting me.  I'm afraid my size will get in the way of the embolization that they are doing.

I called my gynecologist to discuss the possiblity of a hysterectomy because frankly I'd rather just have that and be done with it.  She talked me out of it for a lot of reasons but mainly because she said if this procedure doesn't work it will buy me time to try to lose weight for the hysterectomy because at my size "it wouldn't be pleasant at all".  She talked about all the risks but did stated that they could happen to any one at any side but they are greatly increased when you are obese.

I wanted to go full force on a diet right away after all of that but they were doing the procedure in a week so I didn't want to go and mess up my digestive system by changing my diet right now.  At least the way I eat now I know how I "work".  I'll be off work for about two weeks and laying around almost all the time so I figure that will be a good time to start backup.

I'm hoping to be around a lot more in the next few weeks as I have very little to do.

I'll try to visit everyone then and maybe even make some new friends

Personal trainer or not???

I got a free 1 hours session with a personal trainer when I joined my new gym.  I had that session today and while it was good, I did have to listen to her 20 minute sales pitch on why I need to go with a personal trainer at $50 per hour (slight discount for the more time you purchase with her.

She was good and we worked hard.  I sweated like crazy but she brought her 4 year old daughter with her and while she was sweet and didn't make too much fuss the trainer had to keep redirecting the childs attention so she would stay out of our way.  It didn't bother me since the session was free but you better believe if I spend $50 per hour I'd want her all to myself and not with her daughter.

On one hand I feel like I really need she encouragement she gave me and know I could be really successful with her but on the other hand it's so damned expensive...much more that I could possibly justify no matter how much I really need it.

Has anyone one else paid for a personal trainer and did they find it was worth it in the long run?

Why does this happen?

I've stayed on my diet for two days now...AND GAINED 2 LBS???

Life is sooo not fair

You are all sooo right...

I do know what to do to lose weight (as do we all).  It's just a matter of putting it all together and making it work isn't it?  Thank's why I love this place.  I don't have to lie about any of it or make excuses or make it "prettier" that it really was (let's face it, were else can you flat out say you ate a dozen just out of the oven homemade chocolate chip cookies and two glasses of chocolate milk and not have to pretend it was just 2 cookies and one glass of milk?...and no, that didn't happen but still it's nice to know it could and you don't have to bury your head in the sand).

We all have our life's problems that we could use as excuses to keep us from making this happen but none of us do (at least in the long run) we keep blogging and keep trying and keep working hard at trying to make it happen.  Anyone with a dream doesn't quit when times get tough do they?

I don't have a husband or children to either motivate me or "get in the way" of my weight loss attempts.  It's just me,  there is no one else to blame.  So, the question is; do I wallow in self pity over not being able to do this or do I smile, grit my teeth and forge ahead...lol, why the latter of course .

I'm sick of bizarre diets and stupid rituals...

I was so disappointed when I went to the doctor's office for her weight loss plan.  They took my $100 up front (there's another $135 due next week and $135 due at 6 weeks for a total of a 12 week program.  They took me in a small room, measured me over my bulky shirt & clothes.  Weighed me and barely let me stand up tall when they took my height measurement. 

I was then read a "diet" off a copied piece of paper where for the first two days you have 8oz of grapefruit juice and a protein bar for breakfast, 8oz of grapefruit juice, 1/2 cup green veggies only, and 3 oz protein (chicken, beef, turkey, fish) for lunch and the same for dinner...but you have to eat the same protein for dinner that you ate for lunch - whatever!

Then for the next 5 days you have a bit more choices but still weird rules like the only canned fruit you can have is pineapple because the rest don't come in their own juices.  I asked about peach slices in 100% juice and she said it wasn't it's own juice, it was a mixture of other juices and you can't do that.  Chicken, Beef, Fish has to be fresh and NOT FROZEN, AND no dairy, AND never 2 starches or 2 proteins in the same meal...forget this!

I've learned my lesson with my Heart Healthy Diet (I really need to do that again) that as long as you make good choices you'll do just fine.

So, I've thrown out the grapefruit juice and went to the store and stocked up on frozen dinners for work, lunch meat (a big NO NO on the other diet), diet bread (I actually prefer this), frozen veggies, fruit, juice, skim milk & low fat waffles and mini bagels. 

I'm going to make this work if it kills me.