Well, it was 5 weeks on Monday since my surgery and I am 26 lbs down. I am happy with the loss, although who would I be kidding if I said it had been a total piece of cake, or that I wouldn't have liked more.
Three big things happen next week that I am a bit in fear about. First, Monday I get to start to eat a regular consistency diet. Who would have ever thought that I would be afraid to be able to start eating? I guess I'm nervous that the weight loss will stop, slow down, change? I know that the key is to remember to eat my meals slowly still. 10 minutes is a really long time between bites, especially when you are in a restaurant with people who are eating around me, and eating quickly. I'm also worried about the feeling of regular food and losing control. When you are only allowed to eat certain things, well it makes it pretty easy to stay on tract. Now it becomes up to me to make the right choices... I know I can do it, but, I know this is when the work starts.
Second... I have to go back to work next week. Its been nice being home, but I am happy to be able to get back to work as well, its just that next week is a bad week to start back. I am going to ask my doctor if he will write me to start back on the 24th instead of the 18th. My 20 year reunion and picnic are next week... How scary, and sad is that?
Third, after my post op 6 weeks, I really have the okay to get back into working out. I love to work out once I am doing it, but getting there is always the issue... I am thinking I will go to the gym and hire a personal trainer for a few sessions. Someone that I am responsible for reporting to, who can give me a good work out to burn fat as well as build and sculp muscles.
Well, I guess thats all. I hope all is great with everyone!
Well, here I am. I know its been a long time. So to update everyone, I have had my surgery (6/4/2007). It has been quite a recovery period and I am still tired and low energy, but I feel much better than I have.
So to date I have lost 18lbs. Nothing to scoff at over a 18 day period of time. I only hope that the weight keeps coming off as easily. Well, can't really say its easy. I am on a strictly liquid diet (well, I can have mashed potatoes extra runny and pudding) and have been struggling to get in enough protein. It has also been hard to get all my liquids in. Hard enough before, but now I cannot guzzle fluids. I have to drink slowly and often and that is not always easy to remember.
Otherwise, I feel pretty good. No visible changes appear to me, but I will be patient. I know in about 10 or 15 more lbs I will start to see a difference. I can only hope to be under the 200lb mark by August 24 when we leave for vacation!
So here is the start... I got approval for my surgery today... They will call me to schedule my appointment in the next 10 days. I feel very thankful to have friends and family that support me, even though they don't agree.''
As I was saying to my mom the other day. I wonder sometimes what makes me the way I am. I talked to her about my molestation, whether she knew or not. She says she didn't, not until I told her and she understands my anger. She then told me about her molestations... by my cousin (the one who molested me) dad and grandfather. So I guess shitty behavior runs in the family. pretty crappy idea huh? We also talked about depression. Do you think that its odd that my sister and brother and I all deal with depression in some way? Do you think its genetic, from the way we were brough up, or something with society? My son is depressed and anxious and so is my neice. I know my daughter and my other neice struggle with it as well but will not accept any help. I see myself in my kids. Did I do this to them, is it my fault? It would be interesting to know. I think about genetic factors. My neice said to me last week something that really bothered me, but in her youth and honesty, she is right. She said, my mom is small (her mom) and our family is small too, your bigger, and so are your family. How is it that one child that came from the same two parents can be completely opposite. My sister had the same situations occur in her life. Different age, but same cousin... My kids are big, not just tall, but big. I know we don't eat well, but they eat. My sisters kids are small, they don't eat that well either, but they don't really like to eat that much. How is it that this occurs. I don't come from heavy parents, grandparents, families. So what am I padding myself and my world from? I feel better weighing less, I like myself more, I have more energy. I feel like people respect me more. I know that part of that last one is very wrong, but it is true... So, along with my surgery...there comes a whole lot of soul searching. Why do I hide? Why do I do this to myself? Is depression the biggest factor in my eating behaviors. I have noticed that after a tough day, all I want to do is stop at Dairy Queen for an ice cream. Is that programmed? I don't, I have stopped myself so many times. I have limited my ice cream to twice a month. Will this help or will there be another substitute? What am I trying to cover up? Where did this behavior come from? I mean, if it was something that my parents did, wouldn't my siblings do it as well??? My brother, he stuffed his depression down by numbing himself, smoking pot. Now that he is clean, he is really having trouble dealing. I worry a lot about him. My sister, she has always seemed perfect, I know she isn't, and I know she has some issues, but she will not share.
Me, I know I have issues. I love my friends so much, and I appreciate them, but I do hide out and away. It is what I do. When I am not happy with myself, when I am busy and overloaded, all I want is to be with my family or alone. I know this is wrong and I know my friends have difficulty with this side of me. I am trying to change. Then my mom said something interesting to me the other day. She used to hate my dads behavior because he wouldn't tell you anything unless you asked the right question, but then she realized, she is the same way. She is a wonderful friend for everyone else, she is the one person that so many of her friends count on for help, all of her kids turn to for a shoulder, but when she needs something, she turns in. She does talk to us, the kids, but her friends really don't know deep and personal stuff about her because she keeps a lot to herself, or she talks to me or my sister. Her best friend for 30 years still complains because she feels like my mom is keeping stuff from her.
Oh well, enough venting and thinking for one day.
Thank you all for your support and love. I will keep you updated!
Thanks all for your comments. I really have thought about how much we think about food. Food is everywhere! Its on the radio, its on t.v., its on billboards and internet ads, its in our houses, its in every part of our lives. How often do you say to your friends, "lets go out and not eat." "lets go out and catch up over a glass of water."
So, what are we supposed to do? I think that for some reason this issue is not going to go away. Even after surgery I have to think hard and often before I put something in my mouth. I think the big reason to have the surgery for me is that reminder that I am full... I really don't ever feel full early in a meal. Or early enough not to keep wanting to eat because if I eat too much, I will throw up... Maybe drastic, but I think my mind needs some hard core retraining...
I know, its been a while since I have been around. I have worked so much over the past 2 weeks that I just basically eat, sleep, and work. Literally leave for work at 6 and get home sometime between 8:30 pm and midnight... So no time for even my poor hubby!
So I went to psychologist this week, should find out soon if I get approval. I am going to go thru with this. My mom is not happy with me, but she is like most who want me to be happy...
I have also resolved that during my recoup period, I am going to make sure I do some deep soul searching and some therapy to help me figure out how exactly it is that I get to the point that I am at. I was trying to think about it last night. I know that food is comforting to me, but its not just when I am sad. I love food, it comforts me when I am sad, tired, happy, stressed, frustrated, sick. It is a way to see and spend time with friends and family, it is what the base of our day revolves around. Especially if we are on an eating plan. I mean, as people who struggle with our weight, I can actually say that we probably think about food a lot. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always been thin, who just eats, but does not eat on the same level as I do thinks about what they are going to eat all day long? I mean think about it. As a dieter on WW, Jenny, Nutrisystem, etc. We have preplanned out meals. We know what we are going to be eating all day long, or at least what we should be eating. We think about the calories, the fat content, we think about the size and how much we should be eating. We think about food (or at least I do) and what we want to eat. We base a lot of our time and energy on what we can and cannot eat. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always, genetically been thin thinks this way? Well I can answer as a first for my family members that they don't. My sister, thin, skinny in fact, has always been thin, forgets to eat because she really doesn't care about food. Can eat something, or not. You could put her favorite food in front of her and tell her she can only have a bite, and she would be fine with that. Its a mental, emotional, chemical thing. Its not just about something in our history or past, its about our genetic make up, our brain chemicals, or desires.
I think I am going to start doing that thing, you know, when you think of food that you need to have sex instead? Do you think that would work? Oh, maybe not. I think my husband would be upset if I just had sex with whomever to avoid eating :)...
I know, its been a while since I have been around. I have worked so much over the past 2 weeks that I just basically eat, sleep, and work. Literally leave for work at 6 and get home sometime between 8:30 pm and midnight... So no time for even my poor hubby!
So I went to psychologist this week, should find out soon if I get approval. I am going to go thru with this. My mom is not happy with me, but she is like most who want me to be happy...
I have also resolved that during my recoup period, I am going to make sure I do some deep soul searching and some therapy to help me figure out how exactly it is that I get to the point that I am at. I was trying to think about it last night. I know that food is comforting to me, but its not just when I am sad. I love food, it comforts me when I am sad, tired, happy, stressed, frustrated, sick. It is a way to see and spend time with friends and family, it is what the base of our day revolves around. Especially if we are on an eating plan. I mean, as people who struggle with our weight, I can actually say that we probably think about food a lot. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always been thin, who just eats, but does not eat on the same level as I do thinks about what they are going to eat all day long? I mean think about it. As a dieter on WW, Jenny, Nutrisystem, etc. We have preplanned out meals. We know what we are going to be eating all day long, or at least what we should be eating. We think about the calories, the fat content, we think about the size and how much we should be eating. We think about food (or at least I do) and what we want to eat. We base a lot of our time and energy on what we can and cannot eat. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always, genetically been thin thinks this way? Well I can answer as a first for my family members that they don't. My sister, thin, skinny in fact, has always been thin, forgets to eat because she really doesn't care about food. Can eat something, or not. You could put her favorite food in front of her and tell her she can only have a bite, and she would be fine with that. Its a mental, emotional, chemical thing. Its not just about something in our history or past, its about our genetic make up, our brain chemicals, or desires.
I think I am going to start doing that thing, you know, when you think of food that you need to have sex instead? Do you think that would work? Oh, maybe not. I think my husband would be upset if I just had sex with whomever to avoid eating :)...
I know, its been a while since I have been around. I have worked so much over the past 2 weeks that I just basically eat, sleep, and work. Literally leave for work at 6 and get home sometime between 8:30 pm and midnight... So no time for even my poor hubby!
So I went to psychologist this week, should find out soon if I get approval. I am going to go thru with this. My mom is not happy with me, but she is like most who want me to be happy...
I have also resolved that during my recoup period, I am going to make sure I do some deep soul searching and some therapy to help me figure out how exactly it is that I get to the point that I am at. I was trying to think about it last night. I know that food is comforting to me, but its not just when I am sad. I love food, it comforts me when I am sad, tired, happy, stressed, frustrated, sick. It is a way to see and spend time with friends and family, it is what the base of our day revolves around. Especially if we are on an eating plan. I mean, as people who struggle with our weight, I can actually say that we probably think about food a lot. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always been thin, who just eats, but does not eat on the same level as I do thinks about what they are going to eat all day long? I mean think about it. As a dieter on WW, Jenny, Nutrisystem, etc. We have preplanned out meals. We know what we are going to be eating all day long, or at least what we should be eating. We think about the calories, the fat content, we think about the size and how much we should be eating. We think about food (or at least I do) and what we want to eat. We base a lot of our time and energy on what we can and cannot eat. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always, genetically been thin thinks this way? Well I can answer as a first for my family members that they don't. My sister, thin, skinny in fact, has always been thin, forgets to eat because she really doesn't care about food. Can eat something, or not. You could put her favorite food in front of her and tell her she can only have a bite, and she would be fine with that. Its a mental, emotional, chemical thing. Its not just about something in our history or past, its about our genetic make up, our brain chemicals, or desires.
I think I am going to start doing that thing, you know, when you think of food that you need to have sex instead? Do you think that would work? Oh, maybe not. I think my husband would be upset if I just had sex with whomever to avoid eating :)...
I know, its been a while since I have been around. I have worked so much over the past 2 weeks that I just basically eat, sleep, and work. Literally leave for work at 6 and get home sometime between 8:30 pm and midnight... So no time for even my poor hubby!
So I went to psychologist this week, should find out soon if I get approval. I am going to go thru with this. My mom is not happy with me, but she is like most who want me to be happy...
I have also resolved that during my recoup period, I am going to make sure I do some deep soul searching and some therapy to help me figure out how exactly it is that I get to the point that I am at. I was trying to think about it last night. I know that food is comforting to me, but its not just when I am sad. I love food, it comforts me when I am sad, tired, happy, stressed, frustrated, sick. It is a way to see and spend time with friends and family, it is what the base of our day revolves around. Especially if we are on an eating plan. I mean, as people who struggle with our weight, I can actually say that we probably think about food a lot. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always been thin, who just eats, but does not eat on the same level as I do thinks about what they are going to eat all day long? I mean think about it. As a dieter on WW, Jenny, Nutrisystem, etc. We have preplanned out meals. We know what we are going to be eating all day long, or at least what we should be eating. We think about the calories, the fat content, we think about the size and how much we should be eating. We think about food (or at least I do) and what we want to eat. We base a lot of our time and energy on what we can and cannot eat. Do you think that someone who is thin, who has always, genetically been thin thinks this way? Well I can answer as a first for my family members that they don't. My sister, thin, skinny in fact, has always been thin, forgets to eat because she really doesn't care about food. Can eat something, or not. You could put her favorite food in front of her and tell her she can only have a bite, and she would be fine with that. Its a mental, emotional, chemical thing. Its not just about something in our history or past, its about our genetic make up, our brain chemicals, or desires.
I think I am going to start doing that thing, you know, when you think of food that you need to have sex instead? Do you think that would work? Oh, maybe not. I think my husband would be upset if I just had sex with whomever to avoid eating :)...
Okay, so did I mention that I have been really bad at this stuff lately? I don't know why, but being accountable and posting everyday has become more and more difficult for some odd reason. I guess I just don't spend so much time online, and when I do, I am doing work or paying bills... Not having fun. I guess I need to change that! I do really well for a few days, and then poof, I'm gone...lol
So, things have been busy around here. We have had a lot of stuff going on with the kids, sports and stuff. I also bought a new car, we are still doing some upgrades of the house (paint, floor, windows, treatments, furniture) and so I have been doing a bit of shopping and looking online as well. So my new car is wonderful. I love it soooo much. It is a Lexus IS 350 and its so much fun! I have just been loving it a lot. Gavyn is still playing basketball and although our regular season is over, my duties as chapter director continue and well, it doesn't seem as though anyone is going to fill my space and I will have to do it next year as well.
On the weight front. I did my sleep study and I know that I snore, but I don't have sleep apnea, other than that I don't know much but I will find out next week. I also know that somewhere along the line I have shrunk 1 inch. So get this, not only have I gained 100 lbs, but I shrank as well to make it look even worse. The up side to that is now I should qualify for the GBP surgery. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I didn't think I was scared until Karrie asked me today, now I'm thinking that I might be a little nervous, but more so that they are going to tell me no, I can't do it, not that it could actually happen. Does that sound weird?
Well, I am off for now. I promise I will try to be better at posting more often.
Sorry I have been out of the loop this week. Its been a weird one.
Things were great with Gav and Rachel then Monday Ray was sent home from school for vomitting. Wed a.m. Gav woke up not feeling well and Thurs with a temp. Between trying to work some and get my kids healthy, I just have been spinning... Too bad my body has not been spinning as well :).
Gotta take Gav back to the doctor today. Hope all is well... Really tired of him being sick.
Hope everyone is doing well and moving forward in their journeys. I got my sleep study scheduled for the 10th. So it will be about a week after that when I find out the results.
