Stuck in a Rut
I'm still stuck in this rut I've been feeling in my life for a while now. So much is going on in my life right now that I feel as though I have no control over it. Food has been a (bad) friend to me although I'm trying to resist temptation (to no avail). My 9 month old pups seem to be regressing back to when we first got them and peeing wherever they please. My sister is still battling her cancer. The "unhappiness" that was in my life has finally gone but still lingers on unfortunately. I don't feel very close to my sister right now, which totally sucks, and I absolutely HATE my job! The only person who truly understands what I'm going through right now is my mom. Life sucks!
I feel like I'm continually at a crossroads with my life. I'm stuck in the past, stagnant in the present, and somewhat scared of what the future holds. I know I want to lose all this weight but feel like I've lost my motivation and will to from everything else going on in my life. I'm tired of taking care of everyone and everything. I truly admire my mom for having patience when everything that can possibly go wrong in her life has this year. I'm glad I don't have kids right now (although my pups feel like my kids) for I can barely take care of myself as it is. My life is a mess, my room is a mess, and I feel like I'm becoming a mess too.
I've always been the strong one that everyone else came to when they were in need. I've always been a good listener and supported everyone as best as I could. I'm tired of being the go-to girl! I've been selfless for so long! I want to be selfish for once in my life and think about ME first and foremost before anyone else. It is a very hard trait to break though.
I am lonely yet anti-social. I want someone to take care of me for once, to be there for me when I need them, to actually listen when I have a bad day, and who isn't my mom. I haven't dated anyone in a couple of years. I don't want to put myself out there right now when I don't like the ME that I see in the mirror. I have so much excess baggage right now that it wouldn't be fair to bring a man into my life among the chaos.
I have trust issues. I've dealt with so many people causing me unnecessary drama in my life. I've had my heart broken so deeply that it took years for me to finally get over it. I don't know if I will ever completely be over it. I wonder sometimes if I weren't ever with this person my life would I have been different. I think it would have but you have to take the good with the bad in life. I can't change the past although I wish so many times to. What's done is done.
I need to now think of the future and what I truly want in my life. I just finished reading a book yesterday that made me think of what my life plan should consist of. So much to do, so little time. Will my life ever come to order? I hope so.
All I can do now is try to take my life back somehow. Try to regain the motivation I always lose and set forth with the weight loss I really do want. I know I have to do it for myself and no other. I don't know if I will truly find the answers I'm looking for once I do lose weight, but I know it will be a step in the right direction towards the happiness I truly desire!