Well it's been over two months now since I've written or even read a blog. I can't say it's a good reason, but there is a reason for it. . . I'm Pregnant! Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks and entering my 2nd trimester. I know feel some what safe in telling the world. After my miscarriage in January I was affraid to have to tell everyone the horrible news again so I waited. Let me just say the belly has come on fast. I have only gain maybe 5lbs in the last 2 months, but my belly looks like it's more like 20, or at least that's how I feel. I'll post a picture in my photos so you can see if you really want.
I know I should be using this as a place to record my food and make sure I'm eating the right things, but I can honestly say that I know I'm not. I've been so tired I don't do much of anything. I don't cook, clean or do any sort of exercise for that matter. I'm really hoping my energy comes back soon!
Well that's about it for now. Oh I'm due May 1st. And thankfully that means I will have all summer to get myself back in shape. It's a lot easier to take baby for walks when it's nice out!
I'm really not sure what I want to say today. Things have been going pretty good so far this week. I've worked out 3 days in a row so far and I'm feeling good about it. I'm hoping I can get in a work out tonight before we head over to our friend's house for a cook out. Last night I kind of got two work out. I did the elliptical for a half hour (which I wasn't feeling all that into) and then I rearranged my living room, twice. I sweat something terrible. Problem was that after that I mowed down on some pizza. And I don't know what hit me but after that I thought I was going to be sick. I think I just ate to fast. I was starving cause I'm not used to eating that late.
So it's Friday and I'm so glad. I think tomorrow I may sleep in a litte and then get up and hop on the elliptical, it's going to be a long day of cleaning and organizing the house and I think the elliptical will be just what I need to get moving.
That I lost anything at all that is. I'm officially down 1 pound this week. Which is good cause on Monday I weighed myself and was up 2. I'm pretty sure that was just because I was totally dehydrated though.
I only got a chance to use my new machine twice in the last week. Last night I almost didn't after spending an hour and a half on the phone with the Dell Customer service, but B talked me into and I was so glad when I was done. Here's to another good night tonight!
I have been taking terrible care of myself. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been, 198 lbs. I know for many people this seems like nothing, but to me it is devistating. My "fat" clothes are barely fitting me these days.
Where have I been you ask? Well, I've been on a baby making mission, a very unsuccessful one at that. I have traveled down the roads of depression and back a few times. I hit the bottom of the canyon last week though and now I have a tough climb out. It has now been 9 and a half months since we started trying for a baby and 7 since we lost our little angel. In the dark woods surrounding the depression I have traveled in and out of for that last 6 months I have found not only has my loss made me depressed, but I began smoking again, I quite cleaning my house, and stopped paying attention to what I was spending. On the way out of the woods I found that there are things I can control. I can control what I do and don't put in my body, though it may be hard at times, and I can control how I treat my body. Things I can't control are getting pregnant and decisions I have made in the past.
So last week in an effort to help myself feel better emotionally and physically, I put us a little further in debt and purchased an elliptical machine. I love these machines, they make me feel great about myself.
So beginning today I resolve to working out again! I am going to allow my climb to be slow and steady. Only looking for 1lb down a week.
If you are interesting in other happenings in my life over the last month or so feel free to stop by my other blog.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive. I've pretty much fallen off the wagon, but I'm trying to get back on. I've been quite down lately and busy on top of that. I'm trying to get myself to the point where I can go to the gym again. Things have been rough financially and I miss it. We've also been doing a lot of "quick" dinners and we all know how bad they are for you. I'm hoping things will calm down a bit after my sister's graduation party this weekend.
That's how I'm feeling today! The way I look today is terrible. I see people walking down the street that look like me and I say "What were they thinking when they got dressed this morning? DO they really think they look good?" I was going to change but I judt didn't have the energy to try anymore. The temp is back down so all the new clothes I bought are just a bit too cool to wear to work. Thank god it's friday and I can wear a Sweatshirt to cover up the fat hanging over my pants. I'm going to start going to the gym again wheather we can afford it or not!
Not much to report today. I'm so frustrated with my reproductive system, that I've forgiven my will power.
I did pretty good yesterday...
Breakfast - blackberry parfait and a banana for a snack
Lunch - salad and a serving of Shephard's pie
Dinner - beer chicken (you stick a beer can up it's but while it's roasting, pretty good. I maybe had 4 oz of that and some boiled potatoes. Mom only had real butter so I used a little of than and then some soy sauce for flavoring.
Dessert - I just had to, brownie with Fat Free vanilla ice cream, a Tbsp of reduced Fat peanut butter and a banana. Yumm
So that was my food intake. And I also got in more water than normal. Still not enough, but more, its a step in the right direction.
I won't give up, I will get thru this because I have no other choice! Well I do, but I don't like the results of that choice. I did it last year and I can do it again this year! Emotional eating is not ok and after dinner last night I felt like crap about it. I'm not doing myself any favors by throwing a pitty party. So we are getting back on track today!
I think one of my biggest things is that I need to talk to DH about enabling me. Like when we go to dinner he's always getting an appetizer, but he won't eat the whole thing, we have to share. And no more changing plans at the end of the work day. If he decides he wants to do a bunch of crap I'm not going to let it effect me, I'm going to eat the meals I have planned. ( Of course this means I have to make sure I plan meals, but I will do it).
Weekends are going to be hard, but I will manage. This weekend we are going to be hard, but life is hard and I will feel better about things if I manage it. Maybe I should start looking at this the way I look at money. I micro manage that and it works.
In the wrong direction!!! Mabey Val was right, it's been really hot and I haven't been drinking enough water, thanks to TTC and OPKs. Hopefully that was it. I'm going to force myself to drink more water!!!
I really just want to give up on things today! This, trying to have a baby, it just all seems to be going so wrong!!!
I want to go back to the gym, but we can't afford it It seems like we can barely afford all the fruits and veggies I've been eating!
My salad for lunch sucks today, it's got too much dressing on it. I'm just miserable.
For the simple fact that according to my scale I've gained 5lbs since Monday! That's just insane. I know that I haven't eaten that great the last few days, but 5lbs for crying out loud. I only gained 10 in a 5 month period, how could I gain that much in 5 days?!?!
So the house thing went ok. They are raising the rent from $600 to $750 so I don't know if we can afford that. We still have some debt to pay on and we want to start saving for a house. We'll see what happens. They want to come see our apartment and meet our dogs before they rent to us. They don't like dogs all that much cause they get hair in the vents, and they don't like dirty people. Now I don't consider myself dirty, but my house certainly looks lived in. With both of us working full time jobs its going to. When he found out I had a full time job his jaw hit the floor. Then he says "Oh where to do you work?" I told him and he says "Oh what do you do there?" Obviously thinking I must be a secretary or something because when I said "I'm an engineer" His eyes got huge and he says "oh really?" like I didn't know they let women in those jobs.
OK, on to my food log:
Breakfast - 1/2 cup each of stawberries, raspberries and blackberries, and of course coffee.
Lunch - 100 cal salad, lean pocket
Dinner - 3 tacos and I have to say that they didn't have anything low fat except the meat was 93% lean.
This weekend really needs to be good! Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Brandi
Brandi