Its been a really hectic month. I thought I would get back to SF and just dive right back into going to the gym 5 days a week (yeah right), but I ended up interviewing practically every day. I've finally starting working out with the trainer, Jeannette - and she is awesome!!
I'm three sessions in, and have another 7 to go before I finish out this package. I've also been, oddly enough, not eating - probably a combination of stress, grief, and just having an off schedule. So, in total, I've dropped about 6 lbs not on purpose. I doubt that's sustainable, especially now that my appetite is back, but I might as well take advantage of this low starting point to get back in shape!
So... I'm back on a training schedule, and back to keeping my stats. Don't know how often I'll blog here separately, but I'm going to at least try and keep this updated weekly.
Who here needs some motivation and support? Because I know I desperately do!
Most of the people whose blogs I read are on maintenance - and struggling, it seems. We're all blogging fairly infrequently. I'm wondering if an AP/bikini challenge might help? I was pretty good when I was here more often.
From the looks of people's posts, I haven't been the only one absent or struggling. I, like PV Princess, have been reading via Bloglines, but haven't really logged on to support or write. But now I have nothing but time.
A lot has happened since I was last here. I got laid off from work (Oracle bought my company), which was hard, but also a good thing. We got three months' severance, and I'm using the time to take a long deserved break. I have been working full-time since I was 19, so this is sorely needed. In fact, I was thinking of taking a leave of absence just a couple of months back, so it worked out quite well. I'm not even looking for jobs right now!
Most of my focus these last several months has been on my mental health and emotional stability. A while ago, I told you guys that I had been rediagnosed with BPD and was finally starting to treat it strategically. I am happy to report that I have been extremely successful with the treatment I pursued.
Its really amazing - my entire life is different. I feel much more stable, calm, and able to deal with the stresses life hands me. I'm not destroying relationships or in this constant rage against the world anymore. And most of all, I am finally able to accept myself for who I am, and that makes me very happy.
So this break comes at a very good time. Now that I am stable and have the tools and support to deal with my present, its finally time to deal with the past. I have not processed a lot of the abuse and hardships that I've gone through since I was young, because I just couldn't. But I'm ready to take the next step now... so I am taking until the beginning of July to rest and heal.
*~*~*~*
From a physical health perspective, I've been sort of ehn. I haven't been horribly sick - and I think a lot of that has to do with the lessening of stress and drama in my life. At the same time, I've been eating crap (buffalo wings every night!!!) and not exercising. By some miracle of God, I haven't gained any weight - but certainly, I haven't lost any, and any miniscule muscle I had is now jello and skin.
So as part of my healing, a big goal is to get in better shape, eat healthier and cook more. Besides the gross-caloric effects of constant takeout, its also ridiculously expensive. My first task was to "makeover" my kitchen with some healthy, organic foods, sauces that will encourage me to cook, and fresh staples.
I've also rejoined WW - at least online - and have started tracking my intake. Dammit, 5 wings cost 15 points. I may be starting from 28/day and working my way down, but even so, 15 points is nothing to sneeze at.
Finally, I'm getting physical. I've signed up for a monthlong women's bootcamp, which meets 3 mornings a week from now until the end of June, and gets my ass outside to run, sprint, climb, scuplt, etc. I'm reinspired to dance, so on my non-bootcamp days, I'm going to try to cram them with classes. And I'm going to try and work out any resentment and anger that comes up through this journey into the past into a mean kickboxing arm.
Besides that, nothing much doing. I'm continually improving the apartment and taking care of my car and finances. I'm studying for a couple of professional certifications so that my brain doesn't atrophy. Of course, I'm spending lots of time with the Pumpkin. She LOVES having Mommy home all the time, and I am grateful to have this chance to be with her while she is still young.
So, life's not too shabby these days. How about the rest of you?
I got her just around Thanksgiving, and its been an adventure. No time to blog, read, eat, sit, sleep. She was a handful! The good news is that I lost a ton of weight not on purpose from running around after her and picking up her poop :-)
Also, now she's semi-potty trained, so she's a lot less trouble. Wow, what a difference.
I can't imagine life without her. She is ridiculously funny, totally hyperactive, and such a cutie. I actually miss her when I'm at work! We went back to my parents and played with their doxies over Christmas, and now I'm finally back in SF, ringing in the New Year.
Anyhow, just wanted to say a quick hello. Hope everyone is doing well!
... to talk myself out of eating a HUGE slice of pepperoni pizza, a frozen pizza, or a taco tonight. I'd already had dinner (sort of), but spent the last 2 hours hysterical thanks to a talk with my mom (she's trying) and a particularly emotional therapy session. I felt totally empty and hollow - and hungry.
But my weight loss instincts - added to my desire to control my self destructive impulses - brought me down. I spent about 15 mins going up and down the street looking for a Lean Pocket, or some sort of Lean Cuisine alternative, and found it in a 4 cheese Lean Pocket plus some vegetarian pepperoni slices. All in all, it cost me 7 points, but I was about 9 under today anyway, and its a helluva lot better than the real pizza.
I even waited until I was home, logged in all my points for today, calmed down, tried a lowfat yogurt, and time had passed before I actually ate my makeshift pizza alternative. So, I'm learning.
Its a good thing that I went to the grocery store last night (healthier eating), as well as the gym, and cleaned my house, because I'm arming myself against my impulses and emotional eating. Next time I feel anxious or hysterical, I'm going to try hitting the gym.
I've been absent from ExP for a while because I had a THIRD blog going on, and this past week, I've been purposely hiding. But its time to come back here, where my beloved cyber-space support group is - especially now that we've gotten some fresh posts by blondeez, PV Princess, Leanne, and gvememoment. (Twinkletoes - where are you? Hopefully enjoying an amazing wedding / honeymoon!)
Since its been so dern long since I posted, let me catch you up on what's been going on - because a lot of MAJOR stuff has been going on. A while back, I posted here, rather innocuously, that I suspected that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, in early September, I was officially diagnosed with it - albeit a mild case - and almost my entire world has been consumed by that. I have posted since with some weight-related news, because that's an integral part of my holistic treatment plan.
Its a scary thing, and hence why I had a 3rd blog - I needed somewhere to vent my feelings to, but in a limited fashion, only viewed by a handful of my closest friends and other bloggers who are experiencing similar things. Then this past week, I made a big, scary decision, and came out of the mental illness closet. Trust me, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it had to be done - it was a symbolic way of finally accepting myself, accepting my illness, believing that things are not my fault, to stop being ashamed, and to stop hiding who I really am - emotional warts and all.
This was precipitated by a huge blowout with the recent-ex, who I still love, but now know for sure that we cannot be together. It makes me sad, but there it is. In any case, I spent the last week basically curled up in a blankie on my couch, catching up on some ridiculous 3 - 4 weeks of TV and new shows, and eating the most disgusting, fattening, unbalanced food you'll ever think of. I mean - I had chicken wings for dinner - DINNER! - for the love of God.
But now its a new week, and I finally feel like my world has righted again. I mean, my world will always be chaotic, but at least now its spinning at its usual off kilter pace, rather than backwards or sideways. So today, its back to the gym for me, food shopping so I can eat like a human being that wants to live past 40, and cleaning the house/doing the bills. Crazy how little things like that really help.
And I'll have to say, the whole it takes three weeks for your food to appear in your weight thing has got to be true, because I stepped on the scale this morning and am 3 lbs down. No way after the crap I consumed last week can that be right. So I'm guessing in mid-November, I'm going to have a nasty surprise.
Anyhow, since coming out, I'm retiring the 3rd blog, and spending more time back here. This has always been a space for me to talk about not only weight issues, but how I feel - and hopefully, now that I've outed myself here too, people won't feel too weird about me to keep reading.
I cannot get over how much I looooooove my gym. In case I didn't mention it before, I've gone back to my old gym, which I used to go to religiously, even when I lived on the other side of the city. Now, I live like 3 or 4 blocks away, so I sucked up the hefty membership fee and rejoined. Its SO worth it! I'm broke as heck with my new apartment, but I've been twice in the last 5 days and actually want to go back. The gym is just so nice, the energy so great. Besides, when I'm there, I feel like my old fit and kickass self again - after all, last time I was a member, I was 22% body fat and could carry a 27" tv up the stairs.
In any case, I don't know if its motivation, the endorphins, or the Welbutrin kicking in, but I've definitely been much more energetic and active this past week. Part of it might be that Ja inspired me to work towards being a hot girl again :-) Part of it might be that I'm finally finding something to do with my excess anxiety/anger energy. Who knows? Who cares? I feel good - not in a high mood kind of way, but in an active, healthy, proud-of-myself kind of way.
Not only that, but I've been sticking to my WW diet plan, and making food at home. I always feel really good when I accomplish my goals and do things around the house, like cooking, cleaning, etc. I tackled my pile-up of bills today as well - I've been paying most of them, but since I do the online thing, I never bother to open the actual mail. I put on my goal board to cancel paper bills for the ones I autopay, since its just more clutter for me.
It has been quite possibly the most traumatic - and ultimately liberating - 3 months of my life.
I know I've been gone for so long, as have many of the old timers who pop in and out as they need to complain about their progress or lack thereof. For me, I've been struggling with just being completely overwhelmed with my life - from my job, to my bf, to my weight, to my house. Finally, earlier this month, I decided to STOP trying to get things under control and be happy, and just let myself be. And some amazing realizations emerged from it.
I took a step back to consider not just my weight loss, but also all the other stressors in my life, holistically. And what I finally saw was that they were all related; and that at the root of all of it was something that I just didn't want to acknowledge. After a couple of weeks of hysteria, I've finally accepted my mental illness, and have been working on a very holistic plan to manage and treat it. Weight loss, nutrition, and exercise - these are all vital components of this plan - as well as stress reduction.
It also helps that I finally made peace with the females in my life that had been tearing my relationship with J apart. And that I've finally gotten sick and tired of not being the hot girl anymore :-)
So, here I am - back and committed. I am now managing three blogs, including a new one on my mental illness. I've found blogging to be healing, and I hope that I can once again find the support and love that helped my first weight loss experience be such a success.
*~*~*~* Today, I went back to my old gym that I LOVED, but quite a while back because it was just too far away. Ironically, I now live about 3 blocks away from it.
I wanted to go back, but it was so expensive, and I've pre-paid 24 Hour Fitness for three years. But honestly, its the only place that I've ever really loved working out - not Bay Club, not Club One, not Worlds Gym. I'm tired of searching for an alternative that I won't be happy with. I want my gym back, dammit.
So I've decided to treat myself to rejoining this gym - even if its just for a couple of months to get me back in the groove. I need the workouts for my weight and emotional management. Going there today, working out - it was like coming home. I had to leave at 6:30ish because I was meeting someone for drinks, and I honestly didn't want to leave. Plus its so nice that I can just walk there at any time.
Here I am. I've come home. I'm ready to really commit to my own happiness.
Warning: I took this week's pictures at night, after a big bowl of ramen soup, so they are slightly terrifying. But I didn't want to forget to take them this week.
I always get to this point about this time of the month: two weeks before my period, when bloat overcomes me and I feel like I can't even see my feet. I become frustrated and feel fat; my clothes don't zip well and I just want to gulp down a bottle of Metabolife and call it a day.
Considering that I just made the decision not to aim for a size 4 (eg not dieting) but to trim my fat and be a happy size 6, I'm at a loss. What should I do? To diet or not to diet?
On the one hand, I think my original reasoning is valid: I can't sustain a size 4, even if I get there. I don't want to starve myself or deprive myself of the enjoyments of life, such as good food and alcohol. On the other hand, I have regained a good 8 of the 20 lbs that I lost last year, and at this time of month, even my size 6's feel tight.
*~*~*~* Week 2 Stats:
Weight: 129.2
Body Fat: 27.3%
Gym: 1 hour body workout on Thurs, Pilates on Sat
Accomplishments:
Started working out with my new "personal trainer" - my friend JK, who has the amazing ability to drag me to the gym, even when I'm about to fall asleep. I'm happy that I pushed him to push me
Went to Pilates and got my ass kicked. Yay!
Things to Improve Upon:
OK, the excessive eating has got to stop (as well as the drinking). Sat night included a Swedish dinner for Rob's graduation that was not only cream-filled, but alcohol-filled. I was so hungover today that I scarfed down Chicken Hash and a Cheddar Cheese biscuit
If I'm going to do Core, I should do Core, not loosely use Core as a template. That was very not good of me this week.
Week 2 Goals:
Gym 3 times: Tues/Thu with JK and Wiggins, and maybe Monday
Start Jazz class at CCSF
Get back on Flex (like to eat too much!) and go to a WW meeting
I think, for now, that I will keep plugging away at the gym and continue eating healthy. Even on maintenance points, I'm still cheating quite a bit. If I set my goal realistically - eg, lower on the size 6 range so that I'm still that size during bloatime, I think I should be ok. So, I guess weight range would be 123-ish when I'm not filled with water, and closer to 128 when I am. Right now, I'm still closer to 128 on a good day.
At a minimum, the Core-as-a-template idea isn't working so well. The picture taking has made me realize that not only am I not losing weight, but I may be gaining. Oy.
Despite my original intentions, I haven't been strictly following Core. However, its not because I'm just flaking out on the whole thing and binging; rather, after coming to the realization that I don't need to be a size 4, but just want to get into better shape, I decided that I didn't want to make myself miserable any longer.
So for the last week or so, I've been using Core / Abs Diet / South Beach Diet principles as a template for success. Really, the main one is Abs Diet, b/c I really like its approach to maintaining a healthy weight, but the Core plan is close enough that I'm tracking what I eat on there. I'm usually over the points limits allowed, but still try to eat mostly the lean meats, veggies and whole grains recommended by both. Its nice, b/c it keeps me mostly healthy, and yet not stressed.
Right now, its 8:51pm, and I'm about to fall asleep. My first excursion with my "personal trainer" was a success! I can't remember if I posted, but I have this friend who is this insane weight-workout guy. He's contracting for my company right now, so I asked him to train me. I really need to get better at doing weight training - the 20 mins of cardio isn't cutting it.
Anyhow, today, I was totally sleepy from the weather, work, staying at J's last night, etc etc. So I was going to flake on the gym. But I called JK (the friend) to cancel, and he DRAGGED my ass to the gym. We only did some light sets of weights, where he watched my form and pushed me. But it was really good. Now I'm exhausted, considering I was already half asleep when I left at 5:30.
Besides that, things are going pretty well. As much as I adore J (the boy), I have to say that I love spending evenings like tonight, where I've gone to work out, eat dinner and read, and then just lay in bed blogging/surfing. I really LOVE my new place - its totally worth the mini-budget crunch I have - and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy just chilling out and being home since I hated my roommates before.
I've also started this women's therapy group on authentic relationships, which is both scary and exciting. Its 12 weeks, and we met for the first time yesterday. I've never done group therapy, but it certainly is exactly what I need right now, as my ability to relate to ppl, particularly women, and sustain a long term friendship is something I've been struggling with.
The only stresses are the rockiness that J and I are still trying to work through, and the overwhelming amount of work that I have. However, at least I'm making an effort to chill out and do what I need to outside of work to stay sane - and its really, really helping! I'll check back with you ladies later in the week...
