April is the Last Month

Losing Weight Is

Challenge Week 4 - Part 1

So it's the start of another week and I have other challenges that do not pertain to my weight.  I need to stop worrying so much about my weight and take it easy, relax about it. 

My daugther is still having a difficult time in school and we have an appointment for an interview at the private school on Friday.  That's my priority right now.  Getting her to feel better about herself and to do well in school.  I also need to start looking for a second job to finance this private school - - So basically I have my work cut out for me. 

I will continue to blog and I will continue my challenge - - who knows maybe one of these weeks I will report that #1 am doing a diet and exercising and/or # 2 I have lost some weight.  As for now I need to take care of my baby she is the most important thing in my life. 

Challenge Week 3 - Part 2 - Disaster

Of course, I am still the in the same position.

I want to thank everybody who stops by my blog and leaves a comment alot of the comments are very good.  I want to thank everyone for their compliments too.

This week started like all the others very good and by the middle of the week it all went to hell.  I wish I had money to buy new clothes I would give up or at least stop stressing so much about this weight.  The thing is I don't have any money and I don't have any clothes that fit me.  So what can I do lose weight.  

I found out my daugther is skipping school.  About a month and half ago she told me she wanted to transfer out of her school (public school) and go back to catholic school (she had been in catholic school all her life) and I said fine but you have to finish the school year at your present school.  I thought it would just make sense to finish the school year and start fresh in September at the new school.  Well I guess she didn't like the fact that she had to wait because in her mind she was ready to leave that school she decided not to go to school with my consent and without my knowledge.  I was so devasted when I found out.  I took her to school the next day only to find out this behavior has been going on since the beginning of February.  I had such a headache that day I had to leave work early.  

You know I am not really feeling this blogging stuff - it reminds me of when I wrote a journal for years and all I did was right negative stuff, problems, and more negative stuff.  I am not really feeling this.  I had decided to write a book of gratitudes instead and that made me feel better.  This blogging negativity is not making me feel good.  Although I seriously need someone to talk to sometimes.  

Well . . . .  

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Challenge Week 3 - Part 1

I am supposed to be in week 3 oh jeez.  Well of course I haven't done much of anything but am feeling good.  I guess that counts for something.   I didn't get on the scale today so no weight to report.

I don't give up am still trying.   

I haven't been doing well with this stupid pain in my chest.  Went to the emergency room on Friday turns out the doctor couldn't figure out why my chest was hurting but she did say it wasn't my heart.  She gave me an EKG and she gave me x-rays.  She said she thinks it could be related to stress or my stomach.  Suggested I follow up with my primary doctor, to get a ct scan and check for blood clots although she believes my risk for blood clots are low. My chest didn't hurt all day Saturday.  Yesterday I had a little pain.  I seriously think it's gas, I think if I wait too long to eat then my stomach gets full of gas and the gas travels up and gets caught in my chest and that's why it hurts.  Anyway I am going to write down when it hurts and then call my doc to schedule an appointment.

Tomorrow am going to try again with my diet and I am going to wear a no smoking patch on Wednesday. 

Actually for it being March I haven't really done so bad.  I am still working on my new year resolutions and they are still pretty clear in my head - although they really weren't new year's resolutions just things I want to accomplish this year before I turn 40. 

# 1 - Lose weight - eventually I would like to be 160 again like I was in the beginning of my 30s.  (haven't done much but I am trying)

# 2 - quit smoking (I did or should I say am still at it too - quit with no cigarettes for a month then started smoking a lot less of course am only smoking in the evenings for the past week)

# 3 - pay off my debt (working at it but am very good at not shopping for stupid unncecessary stuff)

I better stop writing.

Challenge Week 2 - Part 2 - Happy Easter

Well am happy to report a lost, I think it is because when I started I was going to get my period so I must have had some water retention so now the water retention is gone.  I lost 3 pounds.  Weight as of today 209.2

Also I have to say that I did do my weight loss program on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.   But unfortunately I also bought a pack of cigarettes on Tuesday that I smoked for those three days. I didn't smoke full time I just smoked when I got home from work, I didn't smoke during the day but still I smoked.   I am not proud of that actually am very upset about that.  But I needed something to take the edge off getting on this weight loss program. So today I finished the pack and decided am not going to get a new pack and just continue with the diet.

I am so upset, I am having some chest pains and I called to doctor and they said the doctor had an emergency and is out of town so for me to go to the emergency room, I don't want to go to the emergency room.  I feel so tired and so out of it.  I wish I could just go to see the doctor, I hate the emergency room.  So anyway I have had this pain on my chest right above my right breast for a week now.  So I don't know what to do about it.  Sometimes I think I put alot of pressure on myself cause I feel like am not good enough and I need to change so many things about me.  It stresses me out.   Someone commented on my blog that first we have to like ourselves and then the weight comes off.  I agree but am in the "I hate myself" process right now.  I am trying really hard to get of that. 

Well am going to continue to try to do both things - that is quit smoking or not continue to smoke and do the weight loss program.

Challenge Week 2 - Part 1

Challenge - Week 1 - Part 2

Well as promised am writing today although to be honest I don't want to write anything.  I just want to stay in bed and sleep until I sleep so much nobody can wake me up.  I feel like real garbage.  My first week was a total flop.  I knew I was going to get my menstrual visit this week but I was so confident and so strong I didn't think it was going to deter me.  Well it did. By Wednesday I was feeling so terrible I gave up on my diet. 

You know am so freaking tired.  I am tired of trying so much. 

I hate my fat ass.  I hate my body.  I put my hands on my waist the other night and I felt nauseous.  Yes I felt nauseous from feeling all the rolls and fat on my side.  My stomach is huge.  The worst part about it is I don't feel like having sex.  Yes I don't want to I don't feel attractive and the last time we did have sex I was embrassed by how big my stomach was.  I kept trying to hide it but it was there in the way.  Oh God what a mess.  I have made a total mess out of myself and now I cann't seem to find a way to fix my self.  Jesus !!!

I am crying as I type this.  I feel like such a mess. 

Challenge - Week 1 - Part 1

This is part 1 of week 1 Friday will be part 2 when I break down my entire week of dieting. 

Weigh In today - I weigh in at 212.6 - I cann't believe it.  I think alot of it has to do with TOM - I am supposed to receive my monthly visit on Friday.  So let's see what happens. 

Wish me Good Luck !  I will write more on Friday.  If I need I will write more during the week.  Thanks.