Well I just want to thank the ladies that are answering my post. I have been seriously thinking about it and I think you ladies are right.
I need to exercise. I am going to do my hair and I have bought some size 16 pants that fit me well and take it from there. I am also
going to clean out my closet to get rid of those clothes that # 1 don't fit me or # 2 are outdated. I can always send it to my family's country.
I have decided that the entire Summer am going to spend it exercising.
I am going to have a long talk with my husband and I am going to tell him no more cooking for the Summer months. That way I can get home after work and go straight to the gym and have some time for myself. I mean you don't know I live in NYC I ride the subway for an hour and half every night to go home and cook.
My husband who gets out of work at 4:00 goes to gym every night and when he gets home he sits in front of the TV and has his dinner.
He doesn't do a dish or any other house work, he only helps with the dishes on Sundays. I mean am not upset about it. I realized I allowed
that to happened and I allowed it to be that way in my house. But now I have come to the realization that that is not good for me and I need
to be good to me. I feel like sometimes I am so passive. I let things go on and then I realize wait a minute why do I allow this. I need to have him and my 14 year old daugther take a little more responsibility for themselves. They expect me to come home and feed them every night and when I don't cook they expect me to get their take out, like my husband will call me from home when am on my way and tells me pick this up for me. Like I said I realize that's all my fault. My husband and my daugther are very appreciative and very good to me although they are very spoiled and that's my own fault. So to change things I have decided the following:
(1) I will not cook during the week from June 1, 2008 till Labor Day in September, I will put a piece of meat like chicken or beef in the slow
cooker and they can eat that with vegetables or a salad that they have to prepare themselves. I will make a nice dinner on the weekends Saturday and Sundays.
(2) I will go to the gym everyday from June 1, 2008 to Labor Day - if I don't go to the gym I will walk outside in the park so I can enjoy the outdoors. (I just discovered a great big beautiful park in my neighborhood) After Labor Day I can switch to go to the gym three or four days a week.
(3) I am going to have this discussion with my husband after he returns from Florida. Yeah he is leaving Sunday to go to Florida on vacation
to hang out with his parents and brother. I don't mind is o.k. am about to start a new job and my daugther has school so that's fine but
it gives me a chance to regroup.
Again Thank you ladies for your support and your help it has really got me thinking.
Well I can only say this here, After agonizing over the decision, I have accepted the job offer to go back to my old firm, but the truth is I am scared of going back there and the main reason is because I weigh more than 200 pounds. When I left that firm I weighed a little more than 180 maybe 184 or 185. And now I weigh 210. Those people have seen me at 140 pounds and now going back at this weight is embrassing. Also I haven't bought any new clothes in my bigger size so I don't have any clothes to wear. I have been wearing the same thing for months, the entire winter. It's embrassing to admit it but I have been wearing the same 4 pants and 4 tops just mix matching it. I don't have money to buy new clothes and I refuse to buy pants size 16. I mean I cann't even fit into my size 14 forget about fitting into my 12s. I am so embrassed. This is a small firm and everybody is going to be looking at me. I feel so self-consicious.
I had wanted to stop stressing so much about losing weight to fit into my clothes cause it was causing me more grief and stress. Half of the time I was binging than dieting. I also had so many problems with my daughter and school that I decided to stop focusing so much on myself and try to help her get through this school year.
But the truth I am ashamed of walking into that office this size. I know I cann't lose 25 pounds in two weeks or less than two weeks. But I just feel terrible. So much so I was actually considering not accepting the job offer then I thought that would be ridiculous. But what to do with the shame and the fat I cann't hide it.
So I got a call from my former employer asking me to come back to work for them. This is the second call I received from them. Last month I said "no" but since then they have laid off 40 people in my current job and my co-worker we are supposed to be a team is out on disability (she is also one of those people who call out sick every single week prior to getting on disability she had called out sick 15 times and it was only April) I also know she has called out sick to go away. So the boss is a little maniac, we work for 9 people and for assistant's day they gave me a $50.00 gift card to Banana Republic. I mean 9 guys they can only give me $50.00 after I have been doing the work of two people in the department for two weeks. Everyday we have to order lunch for the guys 9 of them and set it up in a conference room, go downstairs and pick it up. Anyway, I am little confused I don't know what to do. I left this place two years ago, I was at one place that I completely hated for 8 months then got this job I have been here for 18 months and now they want me back. I don't know.
On a personal level I feel sometimes like I wish I could have some of the things I have lost along the way in these past four years. My sister who passed away, my mother who won't talk to me and my brother who also doesn't talk to me. You know sometimes you feel like you want to rewind to the past and am thinking maybe this is a sign for me to go for it.
Again about the job at my present job I have to work two days out of the week till 6:30 not a big deal but at the other place I will leave promptly at 5:00 every day. They also have early Friday during the Summer month sometime I haven't enjoyed in two years.
Well I have to say I have followed the Best Life Diet plan for a little less than two weeks and I have to say am breathing again. Yes my clothes fit me loser and I am feeling good inside. My size 14 pants are loose. So that's great news for me. I haven't been on the scale. I hate the scale or the scale hates me.
I read a post about the possibilities of a new month. Goals for a new month. I think am going to start my challenge again. I tried that several months ago and I failed miserably but this time something has changed in me. I think I am more focused and more calm. I feel like you know what am going to do this my way slow and steady and if it doesn't come all off well who cares I like myself - life is too short. I have been miserable for far too long just because I am "fat" - please there is so much more misery going on in the world - in another part of the world it would be a sign of happiness and wealth to be my size. (can you imagine that?)
Anyway starting next week am going to the gym and doing the Body for Life fitness. I decided that more importantly than losing weight I need to do something for myself and I cannot continue to sit at home and feed my family and clean the house, what am I doing for myself - I cann't be a good wife and a good mother if I am not good to myself. Exercising is doing something good for yourself.
More than losing weight - I want to feel good !!
So let May be our feel good month.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms !! May is our Month !!
I guess these guys really know how to catch your attention. Right ??
Well I did alot of reading over the weekend. And I have decided to do both programs above.
I will do the Best Life Diet (Bob Greene) along with the exercise regimen of Body for Life for 12 weeks.
Bob Greene really caught my attention with what he is saying in his book about making small permanent changes and the food choices are
wonderful, so many products now have the seal of approval for the Best Life Diet. He also got me with the whole idea of living your best life. That you deserve to life your best life. That's what I want. I want to be happy and that necessarily doesn't mean being a size 6 and I am o.k. with that.
Body for Life caught my attention because I it is easy to understand and easy to do - at least for me. I am familiar with weight training.
I actually enjoyed weight training alot when I was into it. You can still see some definition in my arms under all this fat. I think that could lift up my spirits moving my body again.
So am going to give this a try. Last year I lost 19 pounds in two months doing something called Medifast. (a liquid diet) Needless to say,
I have gained all that weight back plus 11 more pounds. I tried to do that program again this year because honestly I don't
have any clothes to wear and I don't have any money to buy clothes in a bigger size. But in reality I must be honest with
myself I don't want to starve - on that Medifast you eat only 800 calories a day and you cann't exercise until you are in your
third week of the program. I want to start moving my body now. Plus I intend to start wearing a no-smoking patch again
and I think this time around I want to be exercising. It will help with my craving for food and for cigarettes.
So here it is to MY BEST LIFE AND MY BODY FOR LIFE. (sounds pretty good right)
I hope to have both. I no longer want to be a yo-yo and I want to make sure my body stays healthy for when I enter menopause.
I am glad I found this site am glad I can blog. I blog because people don't understand them. I don't know. But when I blog I can really put down my feelings. It just easier I guess to write down things and post than it is to explain it to someone else. I used to keep a handwritten journal for years but I stopped writing when I got married.
LIKE THIS WHOLE WEIGHT LOST THING.
Someone told me "Since I met you (2 years) you have never felt good about yourself - you have always been on a diet -you will have to be on a diet forever so that you can be comfortable with yourself" I said to myself I don't believe that and I will not allow myself to believe that. I said “We are creatures of change. I believe that "forever" is a long time. I have a lot to learn. I am not living my life not fully and not entirely it is not the end nor the beginning I am in a learning process. What I know now may not be what I know later. There are a lot of things hidden behind the size of your dress. Eating your emotions is one of them. Whatever you can not deal with and deny yourself - you give to your body in the form of food. And the weight loss or lack thereof is nothing more than a symptom than the real disease. Feeling good in the inside and the outside have a lot more to do with growing up and dealing with life on life's terms than what we are doing now. We need to change the script our parent's wrote for us. We only do what we know now- what our parent's taught us, we aren't living our real life. Remember we are still very young people.
I believe if I need to have success in other areas of my life - and my weight would not be my main concern and in turn I would live my life to its full potential and not have time or need to overeat.
I feel I need to deal with my emotions, get other things straight in my life, get real accomplishments and the weight will come off.
I am only 39 years old. I say only 39 because I think am still young. I know enough wonderful woman in their 50s and 60s to know am still young. I have learned so much in the past four years I never thought I would learn or live or go through. So what do I know the future holds.
I don't plan on living the rest of my life on a diet. I plan on learning and growing up and being happy with the size I am when I reach "my" comfortable weight - - learning to deal with life, to deal with my emotions, to mother myself, love myself, accept myself and see all my virtues and be happy with what I have and what I do not have.
