Meditations for Women - Motivation

I need to START DOING AND STOP THINKING !!!!!!!!  I have felt like this so many times, just thinking I want to do this, I would like to be like this but I have yet to get up and do something about it.  I wanted to write about this I was thinking about writing about this topic.  I just don't want to do the work that is needed because am lazy I guess or am afraid of change who knows but the truth is change will not come unless I get up and do something.  Then I sit here and this comes in via e-mail.  I say this speaks to me it is just want I needed to read.  I need motivation well there it is in black and white.  Do something !!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend.

Perfectionist - Who Is?

So I came across this article from the New York Times entitled "Unhappy ? Self-Critical? Maybe you're Just a Perfectionist". 

It struck me that one part of the article mentions breaking habits and giving up addictions.  It reads "perfectionist can be divided into three categories self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression; outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and those desperate to live to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders"  In another part the article goes on to say "the burden of perfectionist expectations is all too familiar to anyone who has struggled to kick a bad habit.  Break down just once have a smoke, one single drink and at best it's a "slip".  At worst it's a relapse, and more often it's a fall off the wagon: failure"   It goes on to say that "abstinence is a questionable approach to treating substance abuse" because it has the either you're clean or you are not mentally there is no save level of use.

How many times has that happend to us or me.  Well I wasn't perfect today so I might as well continue to eat all day long and well I will start my diet next week, specifically Monday.  The whole week is ruined.  I know for me it has been an issue and this article struck a nerve in me.  I never considered myself a perfectionist but I do often have the mentality of "all or nothing"  I know in the past when I have lost the most weight, I didn't go out to eat ever, I never stayed out late cause I had to wake up early to go to the gym.  I cann't speak of alcohol or drugs addiction but I can speak of smoking and eating addiction and I know whenever I have the mentality of being a "diet" I am either on a diet or I am not on a diet.  I take my dieting very serious and if I am not taking it serious then am just suffering inside, making myself miserable thinking of how unfocused I am and how out of control I am.

So what are we going for here "safe use" - safe eating,  safe exercising and enjoyment of live while pursuing our ultimate goals.   I have to learn that.

Progression and not perfection is a phrase I hear around alot.  Is that really all it takes to reach "goal". 

New Beginnings

So I started today doing the LA Weight Loss/Pure Weight Loss program – I bought the program cards off Ebay.

What can I say

I am not as obessed with the scale or my weight for now.  Actually the scale went down to 214. My stress level has gone down about 75% since I came to this new/old job.  I leave work at 5:00p.m. every day and instead of riding the subway I take the express bus which is worth every penny and its really comfortable.  This weekend am going food shopping and buying some healthy stuff.  I have actually stopped eating junk, here there is no food around; at the other office they had a diner in the premises and the food they got for meetings and stuff was always good and of course they left it out for people to eat.  They don't have any of that here, this is a small firm, so that has helped me alot.    I received the diet program for LA weight loss or pure weight loss.  I plan on planning my food menu and running with it. 

So am trying and staying in good spirits and reading post. 

I am better . . . I think

I am better than I was the last two weeks although I don't feel all that much better.  I have been trying to stay away from junk food, no potato chips, no cookies, no white bread (well I had some the other night) but my weight has not come down, actually I think am gaining weight.  Seriously.  

I got on the scale today and I don't know last year at this time I was weighing 180 today I get on the scale I weigh 216.  How can someone put on 36 pounds in a year.  That doesn't make much sense.  Well last year I did a program called Medifast I started at 198 and got to 180.  I lost the 18 pounds in 6 weeks.   So am guessing gained the 18 pounds I lost with Medifast plus an extra 18 pounds.  That is so crazy.   This is the first time I have gained so much weight so fast.    I haven't been this size in almost 10 years, the past 10 years my heaviest has always been 198.  I don't know.  I cann't stand to see that number on scale above 200.  It is depressing.   I am trying to stay positive and not obess so much like I was the past two weeks.  But . . .

It is so hot !!!!!!!!!!!!  Almost 100 degrees in the Big Apple !!!!!!!

Oh God I have to take the subway home from work !!!!!!!

June - It's Hot Already

Well I have to say I haven't stopped thinking about my weight and the fact that I dont' have anything to wear since Sunday.  We went to a family outing at Six Flags Great Adventures and I spent the entire day thinking about how fat I looked and how big I have gotten.    

I don't know what is wrong but I have an upset stomach since Sunday.  I finished my aunt flo on Sunday late and ever since then my stomach is not acting right no matter what I eat my stomach hurts.  I have so much gas. 

I was thinking how much I would like to do this program "LA Weight Loss" some people might know it.  So anyway I did it some years ago and I lost so much weight on it.  But you know the company went out of business.  But it's easy to do on your own if I can only find the program cards.  I searched the internet and searched until finally I came upon a seller on Ebay who has the entire program, all the meal cards and stabilzation cards and eating out plan.  (honestly, I think she used to work for the company and snatch that stuff).  So I have made arrangements to send her a check and get the program.  It's easy to follow they tell you what to eat each day like 2 servings of vegetables; 2 servings of fruit, etc.  So I think I can do this program and lose weight.  Funny how I have so much stuff at home that I save and I didn't have this one, I have all stuff from WW and Jenny Craig.  I was looking through my records from Jenny Craig I really didn't lose that much weight with that program.  I was thinking of doing that again.  But it's so expansive and I only lost 18 pounds and six months later I still only lost 18 pounds.   Same thing with WW I only lost 10 pounds in six months and I was obsessed with my points and my activity points.  I am just not in the mood. 

I am so not in the mood that I thought of getting lap band surgery. 

I have battled my weight for so many years all my life pratically and I hate being fat I really do right now I am the biggest I have been in 12 years so that's why I don't have anything to wear cause I just haven't worn size 16 in at least 12 years - I would say and now to see myself at this size and weight - am tired.  Yesterday I got a migraine and I was sick all day - I am like Jesus am I really getting old or what the heck is wrong with me, then my stomach. 

this post is getting too long.  OK I'll write again.

Thank you and Happy Friday !!

Thank you so much for all your comments.  All of you are right my hormones are out of whack !! and it really doesn't help that I was feeling a little insecure and then I come in this office and everyone was on WW and has lost so much weight.  It's crazy !!

I am feeling better, took care of my gym membership and I am going to get off my booty as someone so nicely put it and do something.  It is time to get on with the business of living life and stop crying.

Happy Friday - Have a Wonderful weekend.

Next time I write it will be to tell you ladies how wonderful my workout was.

I almost broke down

On the bus on my way home, I started to think about my early post the one wrote before I left work and I started to cry for a minute I thought I wasn't going to be able to stop and people on the bus would notice how I was crying and then if someone asked me I could say am crying because am fat and because I don't do anything about it.  Because all I do is feel sorry for myself and buy garbage and start a diet every Monday while my clothes continue to fit me big, because I don't feel sexy enough to have sex with my husband cause I don't want him to touch my fat stomach, because I don't want to go out cause my face is huge.  That's why am crying.  That's why am crying now as I type this.  Jeez  not for nothing this is such bullsh** I should just get up and do something but I don't have any motivation I look and look for it I try and get myself mentally ready and I don't do anything about it.  Why? Why? Has anyone else experience this - Please read this and give me some insight how do you get off your ass and do something about your weight, how or when did it click for you.  I am in so much pain right now. 

Unbelievable

I started the new job or old job how ever you want to see it on Tuesday.  Of course, I am waiting for my visit from Aunt Flo so I am so bloated it is embrassing I practically look like I am pregnant.  I am received with open arms here at the old firm and everyone is very warm and loving.  However, I cann't help but feel self consicious about my weight gain and to make matters worse they were doing weight watcher at work and everyone here has lots so much weight.  It is embrassing.  I did what I was advised to do here and went out and bought me some pants that fit comfortably and some tops but man oh man talk about feeling uncomfortable.  Anyway everything else is o.k. I am PMSing so I know my feelings are out of control but the truth is I feel horrible, my stomach is so big, my legs are killing me.  I didn't eat that much yesterday but over the weekend I did.  I tried drinking water to avoid so much bloating but it doesn't work.  My head was hurting today, my breast feel like they are going to fall off.  I am just having bad PMS.  Well just wanted to write a little I will write some more later still getting used to having a different computer and desk. 

Yesterday's Oprah Show

spoke to me.  It was all about me.  I have been watching Oprah since I was a kid but this show was meant for me.