I don't like

This EP makeover.  It is very annoying and hard to navigate. 

I don't like it one bit.

Is this really me?

http://www.inews3.com/topstory.php?id=427265617468657c416761696e

Now seriously, I mean I have been on program not 100% but 93% on program for 7 days taking into consideration that I was PMSing that's actually pretty good.  And oh by the way this morning I got my TOM and this morning I woke up and said whatever am having my shake for breakfast. I really want to do this.  I really really want to lose this weight more than anything in the world. I am so tired of being "fat".  I am so so ready.  I want to finish the year with a couple less pounds on this body and a nonsmoker.  Wow four more months and 2008 is over.   It is time to pick up the pieces and make something of this year.   Last year during the holidays I saw Valerie Bertinelli in those Jenny Craig commercial and she was saying this year my new year resolution is not to lose weight because I lost weight with Jenny Craig (or something like that) I want to say that this year at Christmas time.  So let's walk to Winter Onederland and for those who are there already congrats but let's walk to a healthy and happy Winter !! 

I am back on the wagon

Well I did it I went on vacation and I survived my family seeing me this size.  I know they wanted to say something but thank God only one person made a comment (but he always would say something negative anyway).  So it didn't ruin my trip.

But I am back and life is back on track or so I like to believe.  Mainly cause the kids are back to school, my husband goes back to work on Saturdays and well am on my diet again.  I am really trying to do this thing God knows there is nothing I want more than to wake up on my 40th b-day and not be more than 200 pounds actually not be anywhere near 200 pounds. 

So here is to the first weekend of September.  Have a great weekend.

My Blog got a facelift

OK I finally got my blog to look like what I wanted.  This is a signature someone gave me from the message boards of Medifast.  It is not a challenge it's just a reminder that this winter we will be thin and take pictures by the snow in a small body.  I thought it was wonderful idea and since in about another week or so Summer is pretty much over, children go back to school, people return from vacation and we get back into a regular routine.  I thought it was a great way to give my blog a face lift.   This is going to be my motto to be in onederland by December 21 the first day of Winter. 

Walking into a Winter Onederland. 

I am leaving on vacation on Friday.  I am going to Virginia to see my niece and my nephew am very excited to see them and spend some time with them.   Those are my sister's children.  My niece is 5 she was only nine months when my sister passed and my nephew is 9 years old.  Anyway just want to say have a safe week, a safe Labor Day weekend enjoy and I will talk to everyone in September.  Take care.  Thank you for all the support.

It is not time to give up

Well last night I was watching Kathy Griffin show she was at the Walter Reed Military Hospital in Washingto DC.  It was so sad to see so many military men and women injured with so many different ambutations.  It was so difficult to watch -- I was crying.    I said to myself it is not time to quit.  It is not time to give up.  Look at those men and women although they knew they were in danger they still went to the war fought for our country and are coming back to thier lives trying to make things work out.  How can you make things work out when you are missing your leg, both legs, one arm or one arm and a leg.  Learning to walk again all over again.  Wow !! 

I don't consider myself  very patriotic and I sure don't like our administration but God Bless Our Troops and bring them back home soon.

And that show made me see that well it is just not time to give up.  I have to dust myself and pick myself up and keep moving at least I have my legs and my arms and my health.  I am not that well but I saw a light last night.

Have a great weekend !! And thank you to all my EP friends.  thank you so much.

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40 years old

Maybe if I get this off my chest it won't bother me so much.

I am going to be 40 in five months.  And I am so depressed.  I am going to be 40 in five months and I am broke literally speaking I filed bankruptcy in June.  I am going to be 40 years old and I weigh more than 200 pounds.  I am going to be 40 years old and I don't have a family, my sister died suddenly four years ago, my mother won't talk to me for over a year and my brother who is on her side won't talk to me for over a year.  I am going to be 40 years old.  I tried to apologize to my mom but she won't accept my apology.  I tried to apologize to my brother but he never responded.  I am going to be 40 years old and am broke, overweight and with no family.  Never in my wildest dream did I think this could happen to me.  This is not the place you want to be at this age.  I have nothing.  I live paycheck to paycheck.  I don't own my house, I don't  car, savings, 401K nothing.

Maybe it's TOM but am going to be 40 years old and I feel miserable. 

Who's the Boss

Your body or your brain.   Like when a disabled athlete runs a marathon. Definition of an athlete "a person possessing the natural or acquired traits, such a strength, agility and endurance"  now for  the brain   ". . . serving to control and coordinate the mental and physical actions. " and lastly the body "the physical structure of a human being or animal. . ."

I am one week away from TOM and I am PMSing big time.  So Monday night I thought to myself who is the boss here - - will I let my body with its aching back, tender breast and headaches tell my brain you cann't do this "diet".  You have to wait till after TOM to start.  Or will my brain tell my overweight body that's enough.  That's enough overeat to compensate for you not feeling well.  You are going to do what I want - - what I always wanted which is to get on this "diet" and lose weight - - Got it you silling body.  So let's get to it.   So far the brain has won.  Three days on Medifast.  Yesterday was the worst I had a very bad headache thank God I was off from work so I figured if I am going to get a headache let it be today that I can rest.  But today I feel better and it is my third day. 

There is nothing I want more than for my brain to win over my body.  For my strength and  endurance control and coordinate my physical actions. 

Till next time.

P.S.  I think I have already lost some weight but will wait till after TOM to announce. 

I am Broke and Upset

I am upset because I was supposed to start my Medifast today.  OK so this is just a bunch of excuses I know.  We went away for the weekend I got home too late to fix up the protein I need for today's meals.  Then since Thursday when was my ovaluation day I can feel the last part of my cycle coming on terribly.  I am not happy.  I am a little scared.  I want to get started tomorrow August 5 excatly 5 months to my 40th birthday January 5.   I am also upset because I spent all my money buying the Medifast and I really seriously no doubt need to start it.  And am upset I didn't start today like I planned last week.

I am so so tired I can fall asleep right here while I type this.  I have such a headache.  I just took two Motrins but my head is killing me. I don't want anything to stand in my way.  I want to lose this weight before my birthday more than I want anything else. 

Tonight when I get home from work am going to fix my chicken in the slow cooker over night and go to sleep early.  Get the rest I need.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me and pray for me.  I think that is what I need prayer or some kind of micracle work.

There will be no

food that will deter me from my goal.  No dish, no potato chip, not a single cookie worth it.   There will be no event, no celebration more important than accomplishing my goal. 

I received my Medifat program and am starting Monday.  Monday cause I just believe that is what they were made for new beginnings.   I am nervous and anxious and excited.  The possiblities make me nervous, the visualization of the ned makes me anxious.  And everytime I think about how I felt last Friday or last weekend I think there will nothing to get in my way. 

Have a great weekend !!!!!!!!

I was wounded but

I recovered quickly.   To make a long story short I found out my husband lied about his whereabouts and on top of that I saw him having a beer in an outdoor bar while talking to another woman.  He explained that it was just fate that he was talking to her, that he didn't know her and that the only thing he is guilty of is lying about where he was. He said he was going to the gym.  I am o.k. I was very depressed all weekend. I cried alot.  I felt deceived but I picked myself up and dusted myself up.  I have been through so much, I said there is no way this is going to drop me to the ground.  I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of being sad.  I had a terrible couple of years beginning with the death of my sister and then the separation with my mother and brother both still doesn't talk to me after a year.  I said no I am not going to go through this again.  I forgave him and told him I will not tolerate lies. 

The one thing I realized is that I need to do something for myself, I need to start taking care of myself.  I love my family, my husband and my daugther are my life.  Whoever has a  teenager at home knows that teenagers are very selfish.  My daugther will spend all evening on the computer talking to her friends and she will not say a word to me other than can I have money I love you ma.  I realized that I sometimes am very possesive with my husband because he is alot more confident than I am.  He feels good about himself.  He looks good.  He works out every day.  I try but  when it comes to them I put them before me.  I make excuses like I need to feed them, or I don't want to leave my daugther alone.  

Jesus I felt like an ulgy jealous old woman.  That's not me.  That's not who I am.  That's not who I want to be.   I feel like am living half ass.  Maybe it's my weight, maybe it is everything I have been through.  But the weight is only a symptom of the disease and if I take care of the symptom at least am taking care of myself and it will ultimately make me feel better.  I want to change my life, I want to look good, feel good and I want to be happy.