I'm back and still alive! Sorry that I haven't given an update sooner, I was able to return to work Fri and Sat on "restricted duty" and Sun I had family over helping me to get my house cleaned and ready while I tried not to throw up on all their hard work. (Thanks bro, for doing all the grunt work for me!!!!") I just got home from the hospital late this afternoon and I'm just coming out of my drug-induced stupor that I have been in for the past 2 days! And I had NO internet access there to be able to do updates. I was supposed to come home Monday night after the surgery, but they couldn't get me to hold down even liquids without throwing it back up, so I had to stay at the hospital until they could verify that I was going to be able to hold down food of any sort without getting sick. Acutally, that never happened, but I argued and told them that it wasn't going to happen as long as I was forced to eat hospital food, and at least I was holding down water and tea, so be happy and LET ME GO HOME!!!!! So my sugeon finally came in this afternoon and we had a pow-wow and he agreed that the food was enough to make even the healthiest person nauseated and, reminding him that I AM a nurse and know when to call a doctor, I got sent home with Zofran (for nausea) and Percocet (for pain), and a phone number to call any time if thing changed. I came home, and I ate soup and bread (back to my prison diet! lol), and did JUST FINE! So there, I'm HOME!
First of all, I've had questions about WHAT procedure I had done...
Ok, first let me explain what surgery I had, I had an exploratory laparoscopy (I have some really cool pics of my insides, but I'll refrain from posting them for those of you who are unable to discuss blunt force head trauma over dinner w/out turning green!). Basically, three small incisions, that resemble stab wounds, are made into my belly, one in the belly button, one in the midline lower part of the belly, just above the pubic bone, and one in the right lower part of the belly. Air is used to puff the abdominal wall up and separate it from the abdominal organs, and cameras and small surgical intruments are inserted through the incisions in order to look around and see what there is to see. In addition, I had a laparascopic appendectomy where they take my appendix out through the incision in my belly button. Then they close up the small incisions w/a couple of sutures that eventually are absorbed by the body, and there is minimal scarring, but plenty of pain and gas until all of the air from the surgery is passed from the body. (You can imagine how much fun this has been for me!) Acutally, the worst part of the procedure for me was the IV, apparently my usually HUGE veins decided to take a vacay because I was dehydrated and FREEZING cold in the pre-op area, so I had to get poked and poked until the nurse gave up and called Anesthesia to come and get my IV. I now look like a Heroin addict with bad aim.
And here is what all of that showed...
So I was in surgery for just under 2 hours, and FINALLY got some answers! First of all, apparently I have CHRONIC appendicitis, bringing to question whether or not these frequent "stomach viruses" that I have been prone to were viruses, or my appendix, now that the appendix is gone, only time will tell. But I DID have appendicitis, which I TOLD him I did, eventhough the Cat Scans and Ultra Sounds disagreed. Who knows how much sooner I could have felt better if I'd gone to the docotor for one of my other bouts, say 3 weeks ago when I blogged about having a tummy bug THEN! Apparently you can have chronic inflammation versus an acute flare-up, meaning that you can have it for a LONG time, and even get scarring, and can be mis-diagnosed for a while before it comes to a head like mine finally did. I was fortunate to have a Dr that finally said, maybe it's NOT Irritable Bowel Syndrome, maybe it's really in her stomach, NOT her head! I KNEW I wasn't crazy!!!!!!!
And then came the second finding....
He looked at my gallbladder, colon, Right Ovary (I only have one left, I lost the other to complications from a cyst when I was 21), and the Right Ovary is HEALTHY! The Gallbladder is ok (but he wants an ultrasound of it if I continue to have symptoms after the surgery), and my colon, intestines, all the rest are OK! BUT... my uterus apparently had a growth and increased vascularization and I have ENDOMETRIOSISaccording to my surgeon, it appears to be in the first stage, which he believes is a treatable and healable stage, but he wouldn't give me much else to go on, so I have to follow up with my OB/gyn Doc for treatment for my endometriosis. Of course, my biggest worry is the question of fertility, first of all I only have ONE ovary, now this. I'm trying not to dwell too much on it, I have friends w/endometriosis and one ovary who are doing just fine and have a nest full of chicks, but until I talk to my gynecologist, I'm going to still have that in the back of my brain. On the up side, I'm ready to tackle it one way or the other and not succomb to the pain of it. I REFUSE to live my life as a diagnosis.
So in summary....
My symptoms were NOT all in my head! I was beginning to worry when I saw all of these "normal" tests come back that perhaps the job had finally gotten to me, that I knew too much and now my brain was actually able to make me symptomatic for specific diseases that I wasn't actually suffering from. I did take the time to remind my surgeon through my dilaudid-induced stupor that if he had been Dr. House that I would have been diagnosed and recovered a long time ago! But I am grateful, eventhough he made me suffer OVER A WEEK with this (I'm not bitter at all!), that he DID take the time to listen to me and not just brush me off as just another non-specific abdominal pain, throw some pills at me, and send me on my way. Considering that clinically everything about me was normal except for my physical exam, it would have been easy for him to do. I was beginning to doubt my own symptoms after a while as I watched the test results all come back as "clinically insignificant findings, negative exam."
Now for the recovery and the follow-up's so that I can get on with my life!!!!!!! I'm so stir crazy from laying around for over a week that I can hardly stand it! DH took yesterday and today off to be with me, as did my parents. My brother works for the schools and apparently has ANOTHER snow day tomorrow, so he's coming over and watching videos with me and maybe take me mall walking, since I'm told that walking is the best way to beat this bloat (I look like I"m 5 months pregnant right now, and feel it, too!), so I'm doing well! I'm just glad to be home. I haven't slept in 2 days because they kept waking me up for vital signs and checking on me every hour last night, and the night before, I was a bundle of nerves and unable to sleep! So, I think right now, I'm going to go visit that bottle of Percocets and Zofran and try to have a nice drug-induced sleep tonight and wake up feeling FANTABULOUS! lol
I'll try to visit everyone tomorrow. If I leave weird posts, though, just remember I'm still on prescription pain killers!
I just have to say that all of your love, support, and prayers really made a difference and helped me to get through my illness, surgery, and recovery! I love you all! You're FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here I am, this has got to be my 3rd post in 24 hours out of boredom, and I'm still going through my head and the medical library that has been forced into my brain over the years trying to put 2 and 2 together as to what is causing my issues. If this were TV, Dr. House would have had me diagnosed and fixed within 1 hour. I wanted to clean house, but didn't have much energy to move off the couch, so I've been trying to distract myself by trying to solve the Anna Nicole case instead. Probably drugs, but it could have been a Pulmonary Embolus, she had had a recent c-section and had traveled....she had a nurse w/her and supposedly had a fever? Hmmmm.... Of course, she also had a baby that stood to inheret millions of $$$ if she was out of the way. Motive? Hmmm... Stern WAS the only other one present when Daniel died, and now Anna...everyone is dropping dead around that man. Foul play? They're making a big deal over the fact that Narcan was given (a narcotic reversal agent), but this is procedure for EMS, especially in young people with no known cardiac history and if it's given it can't harm, but maybe it could help. It's especially given if there is even a remote suspect of drug (prescription or otherwise) overdose or interaction. It probably was drug and alcohol OD, everyone has seen her behavior on tv, but I have to keep my mind busy considering I'm bored to tears. This whole being sick and having to stay in bed thing SUCKS!
So I FINALLY got an appetite and I"m thinking, YEAH!!!!! I have been STARVING since Friday, this is good! Actually, I've been hungry, but so nauseated that I've been fearful of eating, so I've avoided it. So I eat some soup and bread, like prison food, and now I'm back to nausea and pain again and feeling generally barfy and icky. With my luck, my appendix is going to burst way before Monday. I finally got my surgeon to agree to let me go back to work on restrictions and short shifts for Fri and Sat, I have to get out of here. He told me no, but I promised him that my boss said I would get triage (where the patients come to me), and if I got ill, there was no better place to be, since he would send me to the same stupid ER anyway! So I'm working 8 hour shifts on light duty Fri and Sat, but I have to be off on Sun. I'm hoping that I can con my brother and DH into helping me straighten up the house Sun so that I don't have to recuperate in a messy house, because I won't focus on getting better, I'll focus on messes.
Oh well! Here's to the countdown to my appendectomy and exploratory laparoscopy! Yippee! I tried to get him to agree to lipo while he was in there, he laughed at me. At least I tried! lol
Ok, at least I was able to log in to the web site and haven't been kicked off (so far). I've been looking at the new features, I do like the new design, and the fact that we can do more than one tracker, but I created one to track my way to ground zero, and I can't figure out how to get it to display on my blog site! But I'm still not convinced to pay an extra $6/month for the bonuses. Calorie King I paid for, but that was because of the education, e-trainers, counselors, and food trackers and data base that came with it,I felt that it was worth the $$$$, they haven't added anything worth paying for, in my opinion, to EP that I can see. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? I do like the new lay out, once I got used to it, it IS a little easier to find things.
Something that I've noticed. There are several people out there that are chosing to go "private" with their blogs. Which is OKAY, but if you are going to go private, DO NOT post your "private" access code as a PUBLIC posting on someone else's blog site for all to see. If you want that person to keep in touch with you, send them a private contact. I've noticed a few people doing this and I had to chuckle becuase they just made their "private" blog public by doing this! lol
Searching...for another title to my blog. And since I'm having so much free time on my hands...I need to think of a new title for my blog. I feel like that title fit for my come-back from the depths of "off the band wagon hell." But it doesn't fit me now. I'm more positive, on track, and doing well except for this set back with the appendix thing. Any suggestions out there?
Well, I got 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep today! YEAH!!!!!! I fell asleep at 7 and got up around 12pm. Actually, I got WOKE up at 12 pm because the pre-op nurse called me to do her little thing and tell me all of the prep that I needed to do for surgery. I still don't know what time my surgery is going to be, however. I was told to call my surgeon's office tomorrow between 2pm and 4 pm to verify my surgery time. I'm a little peeved because they will only allow one person back to the pre-op and post-op area with me, no bending rules, and I want my DH to be there with me, but since English is his 2nd language, he gets a little confused on medical terminology, and as he says, he "loses the rest of the conversation." So I'd really like it if my mom could come back, too, not just for the moral support, but for the data back up, seeing that I'll be a little drugged. I guess I'll see what I can do when I get there, that nurse was a little "all business" and I think that I can talk more sense into the nurses in pre-op. I don't want the entire family, I just want to include my DH while also having someone that is just a little better versed in the English language w/me as well! Fair enough, right?
So here I am, off today and trying to figure out how to keep my mind busy. I'm not used to all of this "down time." I wonder if I could get by with some light house keeping w/out making myself get too sick. I have to do something. If I lay around, I just obsess about my symptoms, and that's a dangerous thing, especially since I'm a nurse and perhaps know TOO much about where all of this is leading to or could lead to. A little knowledge can be deadly. I have a book that I'm reading, but I'm having trouble relaxing. I'm nervous and I feel crappy, and my stupid mind is racing. I wish I could just call up my surgeon and say, "listen, why the heck are we waiting until Monday when we both know that no matter what happens, the outcome is the same? Just take me in and get it out!!!!!!!"
In other news, I visited the Xenical web site. It's going to be marketed as Alli. I'm kind of excited to see that we are finally going to have an FDA approved option on the market w/real research to back up the effectiveness behind it! I still remember that the pill works something like antabuse, which is a drug for alcoholics, that alcoholics take and if they drink it with alcohol, they get deathly ill, so they associate alcohol with feeling bad and not good. Same with Xenical, it (was) a prescription fat-blocker and appetite supressant, but the deal was that you HAD to eat low-fat and healthy because if you ate a fatty meal like KFC, you would get diarrhea and "gas with oily discharge." Hmmmm...
I feel crappy and I'm bored to tears. I want to work out so bad, my body wants to move, but my stomach has taken control and is threatening mutiny if I do. I managed chicken soup again last night, but that was it. And I woke up feeling like I had eaten a huge mexican meal instead. This sucks. I unfortunately am not skilled at relaxing or finding a Zen place, so this is all new to me. I'm used to moving and being active, even when I don't work out, my job is inherently a work out within itself. Maybe DH can bring me home some cross words. My brother got me a bunch of movies. I'm benched. This sucks. I still posted my "ground zero" goal as March 5th. I'm sure starvation from this thing will get me there! lol That's my positive in this whole thing, I suppose.
Thanks for all of the "Get Well" Wishes! I'm still here and I'll keep you all posted! I'm not sure how to take this thing. I suppose I should have been careful what I wished for. I wanted time off, and now I have it. I should have been more specific. I wanted time off in the Bahamas, not the OR!
Have a great day, all!!!!
-Bethany
OMG! Did anyone see the headlines? Anna Nicole Smith died today!!!!! I'm a tabloid junky. I know she was a fruity woman, but how sad, first her son dies a couple days after she gives birth to her baby, and now she has died leaving behind a baby girl. How sad! All the money in the world didn't buy happiness....
Ok, so I've attempted to add a new friggin post to my blog THREE TIMES NOW and this stupid site with all of it's exciting updates has DELETED IT EVERY SINGLE TIME! I hit submit and it says, "I'm sorry, you have to be logged in to use this page!" NEWS FLASH! I AM LOGGED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of curiousity, is anyone willing to pay $6/mo for this site when you can get the basic features that suck one way or the other for free? I swear, if it wasn't for the fact that I love the people on this site, I'd go elsewhere. But it's like family, you may wish you lived in a different city because your town sucks, but your family and the people that you love are here, so you stay, too! lol I suppose I'd be more excited about the new features if I could use them and not get kicked off so much, and I'm hoping we're not going back to the problem that we used to have where it logs you off if you're in the middle of a long post!
So the run down (I'm had a better post) is like this...
I'm going to have surgery on Monday. I've been having intense right lower quadrant abdominal pains and nausea since Friday, and have not eaten in 6 days due to the nausea. The pain came on suddenly while I was at work and felt like I was being stabbed in the gut, made me have to stop and sit down. It eased up, but the pain never fully went away and I'm still having intermittent stabbing intense pains that about knock me down, or wake me up from a good sleep. No one knows why because my primary doctor has done all he can do, so he referred me to surgery, who ran more tests, and no one knows why I am not eating and having so much pain. I've spent the past 2 days at the hospital having every test run under the sun, everything is NORMAL. Go figure. Where's House when you need him? On the up side, I'm losing weight. So, to make a long story short, I'm scheduled for exploratory surgery and an appendectomy on Monday. He's waiting to see if it goes away on it's own. So far, that would be a negative, or I wouldn't be awake at 3:30 am blogging. I can't sleep because of the pain, and I can't eat with out taking nausea medications, and I can only eat a couple sips of soup before I feel bloated and awful and have to put it down even then. I was told to go to the ER if things get worse and he would do Emergency Surgery, but so far things aren't getting worse, they just aren't getting better. I'm not running a fever, I just feel like I'd have to get better to die. For me to not want to eat is NOT normal. Let's face it, you don't get to be 245#s by being a petite eater! They've ruled out cancer, ovarian tortions, enodmetriosis, ovarian cysts, and "classic" appendicitis. Now he's thinking that maybe it's a viral appendicitis. The kind that brews for a month, then tries to kill you. Joy. I just wish he'd go ahead and get the darn thing out so that I could get on with my life. This sucks that I have to suffer like this until Monday. I know that he can't justify rushing me to the OR, but I feel like crap!
And my other note of "interest"
I also heard that Orlistat (Xenical) has been approved for sale Over the Counter starting this Summer and will be the FIRST AND ONLY FDA approved weight loss drug available over the counter, for $50/bottle for 90 pills. It's going to be marketed as Alli. I would go into detail, but I'm tired of typing it over and over, just to see my efforts erased. You can check it out at www.myalli.com
Hope everyone is having a great week! Keep me in your prayers!!!! I'll keep you posted on my progress, and if you don't hear from me, assume that I got probably did NOT get better and wound up having emergency versus scheduled surgery. I'm hoping this doesn't happen.
Until Monday, I'm going to catch up on some reading, a few DVDs that I got for Christmas that I haven't watched yet, and go blog hopping!
Whoo-hoo! I made it through the looking glass and back to Onderland!!!!!!!! I missed the White Rabbit and Mad Hatter!!!!!!!! lol
I was actually quite shocked to discover that I had made it to under 200 (barely, but under none the less!) because my dieting efforts have been less than successful this week due to circumstances both in and out of my control.
First of all, my refrigerator DIED this past weekend, forcing us to relocate all of our food to my parent's house until the new fridge, which I didn't have money for, but was forced to buy anyway, was delivered. It not only died, but the thingy where the water hooks in to the ice maker broke and flooded my kitchen while my husband and I were at work on Saturday night. Needless to say, take out was the food of choice. I told DH that I would just eat one of my shelf-stable dinners or a can of soup, which i did, but he came home late at night with Taco Hell (my fave, crunch wrap supreme), and I bravely told him NO, I was being "good" and thanks for thinking of me, but I ate. OMG, so the darn thing sat there staring at me and tormenting me...UNTIL...he went out for a smoke break (I won't let him smoke in the house b/c of my asthma). While he was out, I scarfed it down. I was hungry, I was stressed and, let's face it, Yo Quiero Taco Bell! lol So DH comes back in and apparently was going to eat it himself, and asks where it is, what do I say? The dog jumped up on the table and ate it when I wasn't looking. It could happen, she is, after all, a Saint Bernard! lol I'm so bad!
Sunday I was a good girl again, went to work, bought a new fridge, and even did a little work out.
THEN, Monday morning the new fridge comes, and I spent my entire morning and afternoon cleaning the kitchen from the flooded mess left by my old fridge and transporting our food from my parent's house to ours, so I didn't eat all day because I got focused on my task at hand and just forgot. So, just when I'm feeling hungry, my uncle calls me and tells me he is short of breath, having chest pain, and is throwing up, can I take him to the hospital? He's stubborn and REFUSED to call 911. So I threw on my shoes and headed to the ER with him, and forgot that I was hungry again. It was 11 pm before I got to eat in the crapeteria because I was still waiting on the admitting physician to see him, so by the time I got to eat, they had taken everything down except for the grill, which only had hamburgers, fries and hot dogs. Arrrgh! So the hamburger it was, I'm not much for fries or hot dogs.
The next day, I again spent all day in the hospital because he was going for a heart catheterization, so I did better (soup and salad), but it was also my parent's 34th wedding anniversary and we ate at Abuelo's and had cake. I could have made healthy choices, but I didn't. I did the chips, enchilada, cake, whole 9 yards! lol Went home and CRASHED because I hadn't slept since Friday night.
Wednesday, I did my "Mea Culpa" diet, where I eat pretty much vegetarian and low fat to try to detox a little after eating CRAP for the whole week, I also had time to get a real workout in because my uncle was stable enough that he was going home, YEAH!!!!! Thursday, I was good, too! lol
So i get on the scale this am, fully expecting to have gained, or at least stayed the same weight, and I was DOWN! I stepped on the scale about 6 times before I finally believed the numbers I was seeing! I don't know if it was God forgiving me because my diet had to take back seat to caring for family members and I got brownie points for being a good person, or if it was because I ate crappy meals, but I only ate once a day due to demands on my time and being to stressed and worried to remember to eat, so those "bad" meals were my only caloric intake for the day. Who knows! Whatever it was, I'm taking it gratefully and running with it!
Needless to say, i still haven't tried my new DVDs, I'm going to start the beginner work out tonight, provided the sky doesn't fall.
My next goal? I would like to be back to ground zero (190 #s) by Feb 28th. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh! Almost forgot! I decided to join the Self Challenge that starts on Feb 28th! Anyone want to join me? Go to www.self.com to register by Feb 25th. If you do, let me know and we can be buddies!
I got up and weighed this am (my actual weigh day!), and discovered I was at 201.5!!!!!!!!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!! I did a miscalculation on my last post, I had the 50 pound mark in my head and said I had 8.2 pounds to ground zero, but ground zero for me was actually 190! Oops! Oh well! So I acutually had 13.2 pounds as of last post but TODAY I have 11.5 pounds to ground zero and less than 2 to Onderland! Maybe I'll see Onderland by the end of next week after all!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!! I'm off to work out and get ready to go to work now!
Ok, I know it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. SORRY! I've been working tons of Overtime and haven't been online at all. I had the past 3 days off, but I got some sort of virus and all I did was sleep because I had no energy to do anything else. It sucked. I blame it on working Urgent Care on Monday, because that is where all of the icky germ people come to see you. In the Main ED, it's all heart attacks, traumas and old people stuff, in Urgent Care, it's the attack of the germies and people don't care if they cough and hack right in your face. I'm an ER nurse, but I"m not immune to that stuff and I still think it's GROSS!!!!
SO, prior to getting sick, I had been really good about working out DAILY and sticking to my plan. I had one cheat day, but I was out with friends and after being good for 3 weeks, I thought I deserved a night of indulgence. And we went dancing, so I burned off at least SOME of it, right?
I'm back to feeling good now, and I just got my "Yoga Booty Ballet" DVDs in the mail that is more proof that I should not be permitted to watch late night infomercials on tv with a credit card in reach of me! lol The workouts look really fun, so I'm going to commit to giving them a week and see how they do, since I'm already getting bored w/the elliptical trainer and need to change things up. Especially since outside walks are out of the question for me since I am NO snow bunny!
Well, after the last LONG post, I'm making this short and sweet, only 8.2 pounds to go to ground zero and less than 4 pounds back to Onerland!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend everyone! I'm going to try to visit you all later this evening!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, before I start what has turned out to be a (WARNING! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!) LONG post...if everyone could stop by and offer Driven2LoseW8 some encouragement, I'm sure she'd appreciate it, she needs extra hugs and prayers from all of us these days! (Love,Jen is the first link on my friend's list)
So, I open my mail today and there is a card from JC reminding me that it is time to renew my membership because my anniversary date is Feb 7th. (Pause for effect and reflection) First thought: OMG! It's been a YEAR since I started this thing! Second thought: You were SUPPOSED to be at goal by now, butterball! (must prepare self for mental and emotional self-inflicted flogging at this point). After beating myself up quite soundly for my failure to reach goal and bring Victoria's Secret Models to shame everywhere with my new-found svelte body, I decided that it was time to review, rationally, what went right, what went wrong, and what I could do to make 2007 a little bit different.
Drum Roll Please as I prepare to awe you with my insight...
I'll start with the history: A 31 year old woman (Me), who recently re-married (again me), looks at photos of herself in her wedding and honeymoon pics and says with shock and awe:
WTF?!?!
You see, after having fought the battle of the bulge for...all my life...I finally won it after graduating from Nursing School, lost 100 pounds, and kept it off for more than 5 years by following a healthy diet and running 5 miles a day, practicing Krav Maga and strength training w/a Personal Trainer 3 days/week. Then one day, I FDGB'd (fall down, go boom!). I blew my knee out in one of those Rocky Balboa moments and OOPS! Wound up on bed rest, steroids (meant to ease pain and inflammation, but only made me HUNGRY!), and eventually, knee surgery. Meanwhile...back at the ranch...I had way more time than usual to realize the sad state of affairs of my <then> marriage to husband #1...abusive, unloving, and down right miserable beyond repair. So I turned to Ben and Jerry for marriage counseling. They didn't offer much insight, but Chubby Hubby held more than a little irony for me as I gobbled every last bite of it. (Do you realize that a "serving" is only a 4th of that stupid little container?!?!)
SO...by the time DH # 2, the one that I plan on keeping for a while (I like this one! lol), came around, I was weighing in at 220#s. Love makes you fat, or in my case, fatter, and by the time wedding bells rang for me a 2nd time, the scale was reading 245 for a 2nd time as well. But he loved me and thought that I was sexy as I was, and I was happy. Things were looking up. I ignored that fact that I shied from cameras and became the camera woman, the fact that the last time that I bought nice clothes was 100 #s ago, and the fact that I couldn't make it up a flight of steps w/out stopping for a breath. This from a woman who RAN the hills of San Francisco on Vacation every morning for 2 weeks, who used to vogue for the camera if it was in a mile radius of me, and who was known on a first-name basis at Express, Limited, and NY & Co.
Then things changed and it became more than about body image, it was my health at stake. My cholesterol level was over 300, my blood pressure was 140/90 (Used to, if I got over 100/60, I was this close to a stroke), and my Fasting Blood Sugar was 110 (borderline). Then, 4 days before my 31st b-day, my father had a stroke. Finally, eventhough I was able to ignore my inner diva who wanted to be free again, the Nurse in me said..."WHOA!" this has got to stop, look where you're heading! So I listened to Kirstie Alley and called Jenny. Which brings me up to speed....
JC and I have had a love-hate relationship from the start. My expectations of the counselors were much higher than what a sales person who does not hold a degree in Nutrition Sciences could ever live up to. They are trained to sell a product. If I had gone in with that mentality, instead of viewing them as actual counselors, I may have had more success than I did. Alas, after the all was said and done, I lost 55 pounds in under 6 months on the program and was on my way to goal ahead of schedule when the plateau from hell appeared in my way and no matter what, my scale would NOT read below 190. I think I could have put the cat on the scale and it would have weighed 190, too. Try as I may, I couldn't get past that point, and my numerous JC counselors couldn't even look me in the eye. I liken the awkardness to that of when you run into an acquaintance that you haven't seen since his wedding and you say, "Hey! How's the wife?" and he says, "She ran off with the gardner and took me for everything the day after my grandmother's funeral." Where do you go from there? "Well, how 'bout them Yankees?" That was what it was like. Easy to cheer, hard, and often embarrassing, to support.
After numerous roadblocks, most self-imposed and rationalized well at the moment, here I am again. Up 21#s by New years, and now down 5.2#s. For those of you counting, that's a net loss of 39.2 #s since last Feb, with 60.8 #s to go to hit my goal of 145 (where I was the happiest, with my weight, that is.)
So, what went right? I took control of my life. I made a decision to change and took the steps needed to exact that change. I began eating better (JC meals all the way), and exercising with religious fervor. The weight melted, I was breathing easier and my cholesterol came down to to not perfect, but at least the mid-200s instead of the 300 club. Blood sugar was 70 fasting and blood pressure was 120/64. YEAH!
What went wrong?
Well, there are only so many ways that you can rotate those JC meals before you can't take it anymore, and JC counselors, at least mine, are not among the world's finest, but the bulk of the issue was within me. I grew lazy, the jeans were fitting, things were going well, I thought that "just a little" couldn't hurt. Also, I stopped setting tiny goals and all I could focus on was that plateau and that ultimate # of 145. I became depressed and instead of slapping myself out of it, I sat down and wallowed in self-pity and gave up. Was it Jenny's fault? I wanted to blame her, but it was me, all me. I got lazy. Jenny wasn't the only way to lose, and I could have kept up with a healthy lifestyle, but making excuses was so much easier!
No one can make you change, at best they can guide you, support you, and give you the tools. Ultimately, we are creatures of free will and no matter how many excuses we make for ourselves, the only one to blame is me, myself and I. We live in a society where McDonald's can be subject to law suit for making us fat and Tobacco Companies can be held accountable for making us wheeze. However, where is the ultimate responsibility? Who chose to eat not one, but 2 Big Macs, plus Super Size Fries and a Super Size Coke, who bought the cigarettes and lit the match? Hmmm. Perhaps we should sue our mothers for being fat and not teaching us to exercise, or for baking her famous brownies for the PTA meetings? Or grandma for buying us ice cream to make us feel better when our dog died? One thing that the American Psychological Association and Political Correctness did is to relieve us of all responsibility for any of our problems.
So where do I go from here? Do I continue to blame my ex-husband, knee injury, and things that are beyond my control for my weight gain? Do I continue to make excuses as to why I didn't succeed in reaching goal in 2007? I could blame Jenny Craig and all of her short comings for my lack of success. Bring a law suit for false advertising. How about my parents for going to the all-you-can eat buffets on Sundays after church? Or DH for buying me chocolate for my birthday? Or, I could say, no more excuses. It's on me and all of the rest is in the past. Dead history, finito. Was it the situation that caused the problem, or how I chose to deal with it? At any time I could have put on the brakes, walked away, and re-entered my healthy life style, but I chose to sit and eat, and cry about how I was getting fat and sit and eat some more. At every fork in the road, I could have made a healthy decision, and instead, I picked up the fork in the road and used it to eat.
Will I renew with JC? No. I truly have gone as far as I can with them. It was good for what I needed at the time. Structured, idiot-proof eating that required no thought process, and the commitment that reached a little deeper, to where it hurt (my bank account), to keep me on track. Now what I need is something that is long-term, that will take me the rest of the way home and be a life-style change.
My goals for the New Year? Of course, the long-term goal is that still-elusive 145 mark. But my goal is to stop making excuses for myself. To let go of the past and move beyond it, because as long as I see the past as the cause of my problem and not my reaction to the events as the cause of the problem, I will not be able to move forward.
My goal is to make peace, not only with food and my past, but with myself. To recognize my flaws and learn to accept them, control them, love myself inspite of them.
I will make small goals. DAILY goals (sometimes hourly ones!), weekly, monthly. And most importantly, REALISTIC goals. I will not set a goal of 5 pounds a week, or of working out for 2 hours on a day when I know that I can only do 20 minutes. The rest of the story is about getting through one step at a time until I reach the finish line.
I will NOT berate myself for indulging on occassion (as in, a piece of cake on a birthday, as long as it is in celebration of a real and actual friend or family, not in celebration of the fact that surely someone in the world must have a birthday I can celebrate today!).
I will stop referring to this as a "diet" I am just eating. That is was the word diet means, it's what you eat. And I am eating healthy not because of a dress, a man, a pre-set determination by an unrealistic society of what I should look like. I am eating healthy because I respect myself and deserve a healthy and long life. Because one day I want to have children and I want to run and play with them. Because I don't want to be the bed-ridden mother from "What's eating Gilbert Grape." Because I want my children to have a healthy role model and know that women are strong and confident. Because if I have a daughter, I don't want her to know the word diet, or to see herself as fat and unlovable because that is how mommy viewed herself.
This time is real. This time is for me. This time is different.
This time there will be no excuses, and if anyone catches me making excuses, call me on it!
My New Year's resolution is to be accountable and be in control. I am not the victim this time around. This time I'm in charge. I will stand tall and face this challenge head-on and win. I have to, my life is literally depending on it. The extra weight has made my back and joints hurt, my asthma was out of control, and I was headed for a heart attack or stroke. There are factors that are in my control. I can't control my genetics, but I can control what I eat and whether or not I watch tv while sitting on the couch or while working out on my elliptical.
My goal is to end 2007 debt-free (except for the house), at a healthy weight and healthy cholesterol level, and in a position to start making future plans instead of working to pay for past mis-judgements.
And of course, my goal is to keep track of it all right here, on EP, with my closest friends on the internet. Keeping it public, keeping it real, and keeping myself accountable every step of the way!
God Bless You All In 2007, OUR Year to Reach Our Goals!
Thank you to all of you who lasted through to the end of my ramblings! If you haven't already seen it, click on this link for a HILARIOUS look at 2006 in review:
Whoo-hoo! I got on the scale this am and I'm down from 211 to 205.8!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! 5.2 pounds down!!!!!! Only 15.8 pounds to go back to 190 and "ground zero weight." (I'm not considering this "weight loss" until I get back to there, this part I call penance for a bad 3 months! lol) Not bad considering that I didn't get "real" workouts in except for a couple of times last week, the bulk majority of my calorie burn came from running my bum off in the ED 12-16 hours a day for the past 6 days straight w/out a rest to hardly even eat! It's been INSANE! And since our ER directors REFUSE to divert Ambulances so that we can catch up with the 30-40 people that are sitting in the lobby to be seen, us poor nurses, medics and techs that work there are lucky to sit down for 5 minutes to even get a lunch these days. Plus, we've had a bunch of call-ins lately for various reasons, so I've been working double shifts back-to-back and running on 4 hours of sleep this week. I'm exhausted, but I can't wait to see that pay check! lol Get some bills paid!!!!
So, I have not been MIA for the past week, just SLEEPY! All I've done is eat, sleep, and go to work. I've stuck to my plan though, and have been good! Even when everyone was eating crazy for the Fiesta Bowl, I chomped on carrot sticks and a 100 cal pack (Entenman's has 100 cal brownie bites now!!!! YIPPEE!). Of course, after I saw how my beloved Buckeyes played, I lost my appetite any way. That was SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they still had a great season, and somebody had to lose, I just wish the score could have been a LITTLE closer than 41-14! OUCH!
I"ve been eating those South Beach Breakfast Wraps and they really keep you from getting hungry quickly b/c they have so much protein and fiber. For lunch, Kashi, South Beach or Lean Cuisine Spa Classics and a salad. I've been making it over the 8-12 hour hump between breakfast and lunch by sneaking a Protein Bar (like Luna) and a Dannon LIght Yogurt smoothie behind my Nurse Manager's back. We're not allowed to eat ANYHWERE in the ED thanks to JCAHO, but I don't feel like passing out from hypoglycemia, either! And of course, TONS of H2O! Dinner, since I've been getting home so late, has been Special K cereal and a banana or a bowl of low-sodium Progresso Soup because when dinner is at 9 at night and you have to go straight to bed to get back up and do it all over again, it's cheap on calories and doesn't sit hard on your tummy.
So, I'm not working until 11 pm tonight (I can't wait until these debts are paid off, I'm taking a vacation!), so my plan is to straighten up my messy house and go for a walk since it's sunny out today! I have tomorrow off, so I get to take a mini break at least and try to get in a "me" work out, not and "ER" work out 2 whole days in a row!
I must say that I almost didn't return to the site out of embarrassment and shame. After all of my successes and finally feeling that I had conquered things...it was VERY difficult for me to get back on and start posting again. I even considered NOT posting my weight gain and just hoping people would not notice that my tracker wasn't being updated. Then, I thought to myself, I have to be honest. Not just with me, but everyone. I owed it to myself to admit that I had slipped off track, and I owed it to everyone that had cheered me on so in the past to let them know how I was doing and why I had been so negligent in my posts over the past few months.
All I can say is that I am glad that I returned, and even happier at the warm welcome home that I've gotten from everyone. It's been wonderful to hear everyone cheer me back onto the band wagon and not one person has made me feel like a failure for having re-gained weight. I really needed that, and that is why I came back, because in spite of my fear of admitting my failure to be a perfect weight loss champion, I needed even more to be back in a community of support and to get myself back on track for my own health and well-being. Seeing so many of you make goal and blossom like you have has encouraged me so much! You are all my champions and heroes.
I have spent a lot of time visiting blogs of people who used to post faithfully and have fallen off the face of the planet for whatever reason, and if they are like me, they may not want to start blogging again because they are embarrassed to admit that they didn't make the goal like they wanted to. I can only hope that perhaps in my posting that sometimes we stumble and fall face-first into a tub of brownie batter and fried chicken, that it's possible to get back up and there are people who are out there willing to throw you a rope to help you out. Unlike so many of the programs out here, this site is a community of women who know how to cheer each other on no matter how bad we're doing, and I, for one, think that is wonderful. Finding this site has been a blessing to me and I want you all to know how much I think about you all and cherish your notes of encouragement and reading your sites. It's nice to know that you're not alone and that there are others just like you.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!!! 
I hit submit and it says, "I'm sorry, you have to be logged in to use this page!" NEWS FLASH! I AM LOGGED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of curiousity, is anyone willing to pay $6/mo for this site when you can get the basic features that suck one way or the other for free? I swear, if it wasn't for the fact that I love the people on this site, I'd go elsewhere. But it's like family, you may wish you lived in a different city because your town sucks, but your family and the people that you love are here, so you stay, too! lol I suppose I'd be more excited about the new features if I could use them and not get kicked off so much, and I'm hoping we're not going back to the problem that we used to have where it logs you off if you're in the middle of a long post!
