Ok, so I have to be up in 3 hours, but the dog decided I should wake up at 2 am instead and here I am, unable to fall back to sleep! My WI this week was a little less than what I'd hoped for considering how hard I had been working out and staying on plan, only down another pound, I'm at 196, for the 3rd or 4th time, but a pound down is better than nothing at all! Here's to hoping next week will be better!
Grad school is kicking my butt already! I thought somewhere in my brain that online school would allow me a teensy bit more time, but OMG! I started Tuesday, and I've already written 3 essays, an article review, and a quiz! I'm in an accellerated dual degree program, so each class is only 4 to 6 weeks long, so I'm a full time student, but you only take one class at a time, but I'm not sure that I really anticipated how accellerated that it was going to be! Not to mention that University of Phoenix is a very interactive online program and requires you to actively participate and interact w/your classmates, so you have to check in constantly. I like that, because I've heard other online programs can be very lonely experiences and you pretty much get your assignements and turn them in and never talk to anyone else in your class. However, I feel like when I haven't been at work, I've been online and I haven't slept much this week. That may be why I didn't lose much weight this week. It seems like on the weeks where I've gotten to sleep at least 6 hours/night, I've lost more than on stressful weeks where I'm only averaging 3 or 4 hours, like this week. I was so tired that on Thursday, I had to work 4 hours in the morning and then get my 2nd Lupron injection, and then I was supposed to work out with my trainer at 4pm, well, I went home after my Dr's appointment, fell asleep and didn't wake back up until 6 pm. Oh well! I felt better, though! lol I think part of it is that I'm just getting used to the online experience and I'm still a little slow at navigating, so now that I'm a little more on it, I'm evaluating ways to organize myself so that my lap top is not becoming a permanent part of my body! I haven't gotten to work out like I'd like to either because I've been so focused on getting back into the swing of things with studying. It's really hard to get back in that groove when you've been out of school for a while, especially since I'm going to an online program and don't have that extra push of a scheduled class time and an instructor giving me dirty looks if I'm late or don't get an assignement in on time, so I'm really having to push myself to get things done.
Also, now that these stupid bills are paid down, I'm going to cut way back on my hours and maybe only work one extra shift a week, simply because I really do like the other hospitals that I'm working at and I don't want to totally give them up and then not be able to work there when I really do need extra money. If it means we have to make a couple of sacrifices, like renting instead of going to the movies, so be it. I'm not going to work 7 days a week, work on school work when I get home, and only sleep 3 hours a night. No way, not unless we're in danger of losing the house or something.
SO, the way it's looking right now is that I'm going to have to scrounge up the money to pay for my CEN exam (emergency nurse certification) and my SANE-A certification exam (for Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner), because the CEN is in September and the SANE is in October, and once that stress is done, provided I pass, it will mean a pay raise....YEAH! And then in 23 months and 3 weeks, I will be done with grad school! And I'm hoping to be a skinny graduate! :-) I'm just going to have to take this one week at a time and do baby steps, or maybe one day at a time. No matter how stressful this all has been, it really does feel good that I'm starting to get things checked off of my life's "to do" list. Now if I could just win that Mega Millions Jackpot!
So, I'm going to try to go back to bed. I actually fell asleep at 7:30pm accidentally and then woke back up when the dog started barking her brains out, so I've slept, but I'd like to sleep some more, darn it!
I'll be checking in on everyone later today or tomorrow, but until then, have a great day, everyone!!!!!
Worked my bum off this weekend, so I didn't exactly work out, and DH went fishing w/dad and my bro, so I came home to a fish fry tonight (desperately hoping that "treatment effects" don't follow this one!)...So 2 days of no workout, one cheat meal. Probably won't undo all the good, no matter how much I try to tell myself it will...It's back to being "good" in the morning!
But THREE POUNDS!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whether or not the Alli was responsible for it, or just made me too afraid of the "treatment effects" to cheat, who knows, but, YEAH!!!!!
OMG! I had another session with my trainer today and I"m SOOOOO sore! I told him he was hurting me and he says, "but it's a good pain, right?" WTF is a good pain? It's just plain OWEY!!!!! I'm moving like I'm 90 now. This had BETTER get me over this plateau seriously! We'll see at the next official WI, I suppose!
And congrats to my little bro who recently celebrated reaching the big 4 - OH (pounds that is!)!!!!! I wish I could lose like him!
BTW, I finally went to this natural foods store that is locally owned and operated here yesterday and they have TONS of wonderful organic and healthy groceries and beauty/home products, and they're not over-priced, either! I think I'm liking a lot of their stuff better than Trader Joe's! Hmmmm.... Anyhoo, they have a website, too and you can order and they'll ship to you, so if anyone wants to check them out if you don't live near a good organic grocery market, I highly recommend them! They're located in Canton and Westerville if you live in Ohio, or online: Raisin Rack
So here I am, it's almost 3 am and I really want to sleep, but I can't because I'm on call for SANE tonight and I've already been called in once tonight and I'm worried that if I go to sleep, I'll miss a call. So I tried to sleep, but just tossed and turned and I finally gave it up and decided to go into the living room and watch tv and play on the computer so that DH could sleep... at least one of us should sleep! lol
I have completed 4 days on ALLI w/out side effects. Of course, going in knowing that if I cheat that I will experience "treatment effects," I have been very careful not to screw up on the diet. I'm not certain how long I'll stay on the drug. I'm going to give it a month and see if I notice any difference or not. Anyone else out there taking ALLI? I'm interested to know what y'all think! I know that my decision to take it is drawing mixed reviews, but I did not enter the decision lightly and I did tons of homework on the drug, including talking to my Dr. about it. All things considered, it is significantly safer than most OTC fat burners that can raise your heart rate and blood pressure, and that are not regulated for safety (or even the true content of the drug) but the FDA. I feel much more comfortable about ALLI than Phentermine, Hoodia, and other herbal supplements that are not so closely regulated and are often based on loose and unsubstantiated claims and "research." For example, I read that there is more Hoodia being sold in pill form than Hoodia that actually exists, so there is no guarantee that what you are buying is Hoodia. Phentermine has dangerous side effects including elevated heart rate, hypertension, stroke and heart attack.
Of course, the other argument is losing it naturally versus "cheating." And I have done it naturally to this point, and yes, this is the best way. However, taking a pill as a tool and not a magic pill to help me over a hump that has gone on for a year, it's not like I didn't try another way. I'm not looking to cheat or get to the finish line easy, I'm just looking to get there. The same as with weightloss surgery, over the counter diet pills, or paying someone to make a diet for you when you could do the same thing at home. Sometimes you just need that extra little edge to help you through. I am by no means saying that pills are the answer, but perhaps they can be a tool if they are regulated by your doctor and include not only taking a pill, but also a lifestyle change. Point of story, if you do chose to use a pill such as Alli, don't do it without discussing it with your doctor first, and DON'T expect it to be magic. The only way for weight loss to be permanent is if the diet incorporates a lifestyle change. If you don't learn how to eat, what to eat, and when to eat, you'll never succeed in the battle of the bulge.
So what am I doing? I'm continuing to eat a balanced diet that includes ALL of the food groups, sticking w/in a 1500 cal range, 5 small meals a day, and drinking lots of water. Strength training twice a week with a personal trainer, and doing some form of cardio/physical activity every day to burn the calories and smooth the cottage cheese thighs and bat wings. Blogging, because this is my therapy. Staying too busy to think about cheating! lol And then the Alli to help give me the edge to overcome my year-long cycle of losing and gaining the same 10 pounds. I'm really hoping and praying to see the 180s in the near future! If nothing else, since I've been back in the groove again, I've had tons more energy and I'm getting a lot accomplished these days. I'm hoping to at least get the house somewhat under control before school starts next week, and I'm grateful that I got my diet and exercise routine back in swing before grad school overtook my life and I began to make more excuses for myself.
SOOOOO....here's to another week and to surviving Monday and moving on to Tuesday! And here's to hoping that our weigh-ins bring good news at the end of the week!
I think I'm going to try to catch a nap and pray that I don't get called in again tonight now!!!!
I haven't posted since my updates, but I've been spending what little bit of internet time I've had trying to catch up on everyone (sorry I haven't gotten through the entire list yet, but I'm trying!), I've missed everyone and it seems that I am not the only one who has been too crazy busy to blog as of late. That time of year I suppose! :-) Hopefully we'll all be back to "normal" soon. I've had days off this past week...Did you hear that? DAYS OFF! But I've been trying to organize my life since I know that I'm getting ready for another wave of business once I start back to school on the 26th, so I'm trying to play catch up on house and garden stuff that I've been ignoring for months now so that I won't have that stress looming over me while I'm trying to concentrate on getting back into the studying groove.
As far as staying on plan goes, I'm pleased to announce that I've actually been doing quite well, thank you! Monday was mom's birthday, so I did indulge in cake, but it had strawberries on it, so does that count as a fruit? lol I started training at the hospital fitness center w/an excercise physiologist, Nate, and he's really great. I'm sore and achy, but in the realm of sore and achy, I suppose knowing that it will help to push me over this slump, it's a good ache! LOL On my off days, I've been pushing myself w/cardio and Tim and I bought new bikes and started riding together, too, which is significantly more fun than running like a hamster on a treadmill at the gym in this weather.
And speaking of diet and exercise....
Has anyone else tried Alli ? I was one of the masses that rushed out and bought it when it came out on Thursday the 14th! I started it yesterday and so far no "treatment effects" from it. I'm desperately hoping that between shaking up my exercise routine and the Alli that I can break out of this cycle of losing and gaining the same 10 pounds that I've been doing for the past year. I was wary of taking it at first, but the more that I've read about it, the more that I thought I'd at least try it for a month and see what happens. It's not a stimulant or an appetite suppresant, it simply helps to block fat absorption and therefore decreases the amount of calories that your body processes, so it's more of a compliment to diet and exercise than anything. It has yucky tummy side effects if you go over 15 gm of fat in a meal, though, so you can't take it and splurge on a meal unless you want to be sitting on the toilet all night! So with that being said, I think I'll stick to my low fat healthy diet while I'm on it because I hate having an upset belly! So we'll see how it goes from here! Wish me luck!
As far as my weight goes...I had once again ballooned up to 200 after all the stress and eating lots of take out and hospital cafeteria food, so I'm back to working on these stupid 190s again. So everyone channel your energy for me and visualize 180s on my scale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll keep you posted! My goal is to post at least one update a week and definitely keep checking in on everyone more frequently now that things seem to be going slightly easier for me at the moment since I don't have to worry about those massive ex-idiot husband debts! I'm getting used to days off and now I don't want to work at all, I just want to play! I actually got to mess around in my garden last night and I forgot how much fun it was to play in dirt like a 3 year old!
Well, I'm at work now (my weekend, lucky me!), so I'd better get off of here and start doing what I'm being paid to do! Hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful Father's Day!
Wow! I'm back! YEAH! I can't believe I'm able to get back on here again! Perhaps a return to normalcy, or at least normalcy in the definition that is my life, is in the making? I have a ton to tell you, but I don't know where to start...so here goes...long post, but that's nothing new! lol
Mom...
So mom fell and broke her hip the Sunday before Mother's Day, which is a huge part of my absence, considering that my parents have not yet entered the world of the computer-savvy and have no computer or internet connection in their home, which is where I spent a good deal of my time in May. She's doing MUCH better now and while she is still non-weightbearing on her left leg, she's up and around with a walker and even going back to the office to work again! YEAH! Stubborn streaks run in the family and since she has no intention of laying down and accepting defeat, she was up and running around much quicker than people half her age after having broken her hip.
Me....
Well, I've been working 9 million hours a week and by the time I get finished with work, I'm exhausted and just want to go home. I've found that a 24 hour gym is useless if you're just too wiped out to go. The city seems to have exploded and we've been getting killed in the ED lately, it sucks, and we're all getting burnt out. I'm REALLY getting burnt out because the last real time I had off was in February and that was a week off to recuperate after my appendectomy. NOT my idea of a nice vacay! After working non-stop overtime since before Thanksgiving 2006, I'm really done. I haven't had a real vacation since my honeymoon and we didn't even get time off for our second anniversary, which was 3 days ago. I don't hate my job by any means, but I'm certainly hating being there all the time. I need a break, but I've been stuck because I've been trying desperately to pay off all of these debts that my ex-husband left me that have been keeping me from moving on and from spending time with my current husband. It sucks, and I've started to get whiney about it. Which brings me to....
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel!!!!!!!!
Last year, I entered into a Debt Management program that was supposed to take 3 years to pay off my debt. It was going to trash my credit, but with my debt-to-income ratio, it was already in the toilet to begin with, so it was a literally small price to pay for knowing that I would be debt-free by June 2009. Well, it seems that working my rear-end off and practically killing myself to scrape up every penny I could, not taking a day off hardly since before Thanksgiving 2006 is finally paying off because I'm making my last payment on the ex-husband debts on.... drum roll please.....July 23, 2007!!!!!!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!!!! Doing the Happy Dance!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a day off in sight! Dare I say maybe even a vacation?!?! Time for me?!?! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought this day would never come, and then I thought it wouldn't come until 2009, and yet here I am, paying off 3 years worth of debt settlement payments in less than a year!!!!!!!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!!!!! November 2006 to July 2007!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!! Can I get a Hallelulu?!?!
So Where Do I Go From Here?
Well, first off, DH and I are going away for a few days together next month, just him and me, probably nowhere flashy or expensive, no money for that right now, but I don't care as long as it's anywhere but here and I don't have to work, clean house, do laundry or dishes, or take call! lol
Diet and Exercise...
The "plan" has not been going so well considering what happened last month. Between taking care of mom and working a gazillion hours, belonging to a 24 hour gym hasn't really mattered because I've been too darn exhausted to even walk to my car to go home, let alone go and work out. I've been surviving on 3 and 4 hours of sleep and all I want to do is go home and pass out after finishing my day. My few days off have been booked up or spent being on call for SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner), so "me" time is non-existent. SO, one of the hospitals that I work for has a gym in it and they're offering a "Fitness Jump Start" program which is an 8 week program consisting of a fitness assessment, body composition, diet analysis, etc, and 2 times a week (16 sessions) with an exercise physiologist for personal training. They're offering payroll deduct for it and reasonable payment plans for the program, so I signed up! My first session is this Saturday morning at 10:45 am!!!!!! And I finally took advantage of the 3 free personal training sessions at my gym, which was basically an orientation to the gym equipment, so I'm slowly beginning to feel more confident there, too. Since the weather is getting better, my brother, Tim, and I bought bikes and are going to start riding now that he's done with Spring quarter classes. You all should see him! He's lost almost 40#s so far and looks awesome!!!!!!!!!
And one more goal....
I bit the bullet and signed up for Grad School!!!!!!!!!! I think I've talked about this before, but prior to divorcing my ex-idiot, I was enrolled in grad school, which I tried to keep up, but wound up dropping out because I had a mortgage and debts to pay, so there was just no time for school. I've put it on hold for the past 3 years and it's bothered me that I wasn't able to finish. So, I signed up for University of Phoenix online dual degree program for MSN/MHA (Master of Science in Nursing/Master of Healthcare Administration) and my 1st class starts June 26th! YEAH!!!!! I'm slated to be done Spring 2009! Then I'm going back for a post-master's degree program in Nurse Practitioning. So instead of finishing paying off debts in 2009, I'll be graduating with 2 Master's degrees in 2009!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!!!!!! It's going to be pure stress, I'm sure, but at least it will be stress with a purpose, unlike what paying for debts that someone else created for me has been. And since it's 100% online, I'll be able to have a life and not have to worry about a school schedule. Maybe a bigger pay check will be at the end of the tunnel, too? I'm sitting for my Emergency Nurse National Certification exam and my Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner National Certification exam this fall, too, and when I get those, I get a pay raise, too. So I'm digging myself out with a spoon, but I'm digging!
So, here I go...finally getting to a point where I can work on me, myself, and I...Finally done with the debts, mom is getting better, and I'm starting a personal training program, grad school, and getting to have time with my husband who has been patient throughout all the craziness that has been me, which I'm sure has been no easy task. Can you believe that this coming weekend is the first 3 day weekend off that I can remember having off in God knows when? My house is getting a long over-due spring cleaning...AFTER my training session and AFTER I get back from the store stocking up on good-for-me foods so that I can get on with losing the rest of this weight!
Wow! I haven't been this excited and optimistic about things in a VERY long time! I am also going to try my best to keep up with my blog and everyone here a lot better, too. DH got me a lap top computer for our 2nd anniversary, which was 3 days ago, as a congratulations for starting grad school and to help me keep in touch with my online classes on the go, so I'll have internet access even when I'm not at home.
So here's to a Wonderful and Endless Summer everyone!!!!!! I'll try to go visiting blogs this weekend because right now, I'm going to bed!!!!! lol
Love y'all lots!!!!!!!! Thanks for all of your love and support and for checking in on me in my absence!
I know, I know! It's been ages since I've posted or visited. Things went nutty recently. I picked up a ton of hours recently in an effort to pay off the remaining debts that I have...ALMOST THERE! YEAH! BUT, since I've worked 12 and 16 hours shifts 7 days a week for the past couple of weeks, I haven't had much time and I've pretty much gone to work, ate and slept. Not much room for other things.
In the fitness dept, li'l bro and I bought new bikes to start riding now that the weather has gotten better, and I re-joined my gym b/c I was getting bored w/the home gym and DVDs. The hospital that I work for was offering a discounted rate, NO initiation fees, and 3 free Personal Training Sessions to join, plus it's a 24-hour gym. Not too bad of a deal! So I went for it. I think having someone else to kick me in the rear and analyze my routine may get me through this rut.
SO, just when I thought I'd seen the end of the crazy hours and I was all set to get back to my old routine and start blogging again, my mom fell Sat night and broke her hip. She had surgery to repair it on Sunday, so I've been living at the hospital. She is going to be discharged today, but I'm going to be pretty much staying at mom and dad's to help out w/her. Since my dad had his stroke, it's going to be difficult for him to take care of him by herself and he needs me there to help out.
All that being said, since my parents never joined the 21st century, they do not have a computer, let alone internet access, SO...I will be gone for a few weeks. I haven't fallen off the band wagon, so don't be afraid that I'm dropping out. I just have a lot on my plate right now.
I'll be back soon! Miss you all! Thanks to everyone who has been checking in on me! Sorry that it's taken me so long to post why I've been, and will continue to be absent.
Take care and enjoy the beautiful spring weather!!!!!!
The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
For those of you who wear Pedometers, ever wondered exactly where all those steps would take you if you were able to leave work, gym and home and just start walking? Well, I found this totally cool web site, America On the Move that has an online step tracker that maps your steps, converted to miles on virtual hiking trails (like the China Silk Road and the Iditarod Trail). It's free to join, and they give tell you how many steps a day that you need to walk to complete it in 42 days. You log on, set your mini and big goals and you're good to go! It asks for a corporate password, but you don't need one unless your company has a challenge (apparently they sponsor corporate walking challenges as well). Check it out!
So, my week has been pretty uneventful, I've managed to stay on plan this week. I've started setting mini-goals for myself every day to keep myself motivated. After the "ground-zero" by April 1st fiasco, I decided that there is some power out there that is trying to tell me that setting big goals for myself and not looking at the small accomplishments is a big NO-NO! So I wind up beating myself up for not hitting the grand goal by goal date, and then I get bummed and label myself a loser, when in reality, I DID have accompishments to be proud of and, lets face it, while my basic philosophy is that we are in control of our destinies for the most part, there is that small amount that we are NOT in control of, and while this is what keeps life interesting, it is also what makes us our own biggest stumbling blocks. Kind of like rubber-necking to see an accident, you had no control over the traffic or that accident, but if you had glanced instead of stared, you probably wouldn't have rear-ended that car in front of you and made traffic even worse.
SO, I've been arming myself with lots of snacks to eat in between meals. I've decided that things that need prepped, eaten by anything else than fingers, or is easily melted or perishable is NOT compatible with my work life. Our Nurse Manager is the food Nazi and has no issue writing you up and giving you evil looks for eating at the nurse's station. Apparently JCAHO in all of their infinite wisdom, has decided that anywhere in the department outside of the break room, which I rarely get to go into, is a "patient care area" even in the nurse's station where patients have no business being. The philosophy being that it is cruel and unsual to deny a patient food, water, or bathroom priveledges for 12 hours, but being that we are nurses and therefore are genetic mutations of camels, we do not require food or water or bathroom priveledges during same said period. SO, ever being the one to think of ways to skirt the rules w/out getting caught, I have been on a diligent search for healthy snacks that can easily be stowed in my scrub pockets w/out melting or tipping my nurse manager off to the fact that I have something that may raise my blood sugar levels above 20! I won't get into the fact that I found out that same afore mentioned nurse manager has a stash of Hershy's minis and Pretzels in the file drawer where the schedule book is kept!
SO, since Fiber and Protein have been the keys to success for me in staving off hunger, I have found a couple of new yummy snacks that don't taste chemically and gritty like a lot of protein bars do, after much sampling of many nutrition and granola bars. You have to kiss a lot of toads to get to a prince, apparently. I'm loving Fiber One's Oats and Chocolate Chewy Granola Bars, at 140 cal, 4.5 gm fat, 9 gm fiber and 3 gm of protein, they taste like a chocolate bar w/out being a total waste of calories. However, they do contain High Fructose Corn Syrup to make them sweet and chewy, so if you're a food purist, these are not for you. Also, I found a Beef Jerky brand at Walmart today that is really yummy, and has a milder taste than many of the other brands, Golden Valley Organic Beef Jerky . At 70 cal, 1 gm fat (0 sat fat), 270 mg Sodium, and 11 gm Pro/serving, they're a very satisfying snack when you want chewy and salty, PLUS, they are all-natural and made with Organic Beef raised w/out added hormones or antibiotics. That is one thing I DO take issue with, antibiotics should come from your doctor, not your meat. So, now I've added these to my arsenal of Pria Bars, Luna Bars, and Quaker Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Breakfast Cookies, along with whatever other munchies (like baby carrots) that I think that I can sneak past the woman who seems to be everywhere.
I haven't weighed officially yet this week, but I'm hoping that I am going back down again. This loss of hormones thing seems to be messing w/my metabolism a lot, but at least I'm past the FEED ME! stage! lol And, I got my OB/Gyn to put me on add-back therapy to help with all of these side effects, too. I didn't leave him much of a choice! lol
AND, last but not least, Kudos to my l'il bro, who may not be the most dilligent blogger in the world, but he is doing an awesome job dieting! He's lost 20 pounds in one month!!! YEAH! If I didn't love him so much, I'd hate him! I wanna drop like that!!!!
Have a great weekend, y'all! I'll try to go visiting everyone this weekend as much as possible!
First of all, allow me to apologize for my obvious abscence. I've not been on the internet much these days, I've been wiped out lately and heading home from work and going straight to bed w/out passing go. But, I am proud to report that I am feeling MUCH better now that I've leveled out from this Lupron and I'm ready to begin tackling the business of life again! (I missed it this past month!) Thank you to everyone who continued to visit and encourage me in my time away, and to those of you who left EP while I was missing, if you're reading this, we miss you and want you back! I apparently missed the drama and negativity that began flowing around the blog site while I was muddling in my own woes, but whatever it was, I hope it has passed and doesn't return and I'm glad that I missed it. I hate negative vibes.
And now for my random thoughts....
Have you ever stopped to analyze your diet, your "plan," your goals and hopes and realized that Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of Death and Dying are applicable to Diets and Dieting as well? Coincidence? I think not. Think about it...we go through the exact same stages with losing weight as we do with any other major loss in our lives, only it is more only slightly more comical and at times just as stressful. The journey from the realization that if you don't do something, the only place where you will be able to buy clothes is at the Tent and Awning shop to ultimate acceptance and the glory of overcoming, to the realization that the war is never truly won and will always be there given the right circumstances, it's all there. College Psych 101, dear old Kubler-Ross. Humph! And I thought I was done with memorizing her.
Denial...the initial stage...This can't be happening to me!!!! One day, you go to the doctor for a run of the mill cold and the nurse smiles at you and says, "step up on the scale!" And then says, "hmmmm" and avoids your stare as you make excuses like, "I just ate." My shoes weigh 50 pounds. That #$#%&* scale HAS to be broken. And then the doctor looks and you and says, "So, I see you're up a couple of pounds since your last visit." And you think, "Listen, tubby! Look who's calling WHO fat!" I can't be fat! I was just skinny! What's up with this?!?!
ANGER..."How dare you do this to me!?!?" This is made in reference to many people...Mom, for cooking so good and telling you to clean your plate before you can go out to play. Your spouse or significant other, for taking you out to eat so you won't have to cook. Co-workers, for bringing in donuts. Mc Donald's, for making a Big Mac worth as many calories as you should consume in a week. Society, because you wouldn't be considered fat if you didn't live in a society that pressured you to be model thin. It's Cosmo's fault, not mine!
Bargaining..."God, if you can't make me thin, make my friends fatter than me so I don't look like the fat one." Have you ever prayed that prayer? I have! lol Or gone to the fair just to get a self-esteem boost? I mean, seriously, if you ever feel down on your self-esteem, go to a State Fair. There's always someone who looks worse-off than you. And please, it's okay to be big and not be self-conscious about it, but I think we all must agree that Spandex and tube tops are a priveledge, not a right, even at a State Fair. So you go there thinking, I'm fat and ugly, and then you see the people there and think, Well, at least I'm not as fat and ugly as them! I'm pretty okay!
Depression... "I'm fat and that's the way it is and it's never changing. I need to lose weight, this is never going to work. (insert tears here, then head for Tim Hortons to order a Family Pack of Tim Bits and a large Hot Chocolate...but eat it yourself and don't share with your family.)" I think that this is the hardest stage to get out of, and one that I personally continue to revert to. I went through a long stage where being depressed about my weight led me in the exact opposite of action and straight into a pint of ice cream. I wonder why we do that? I'm depressed about eating too much and gaining weight, so I comfort myself by eating too much and gaining MORE weight! Doesn't make sense, but that's what happens anyway. I still find myself doing that. It sneaks up on me the hardest when I'm having general success but hit a plateau and can't seem to get over it. My brain says that I should be good and keep up the good work because even if I'm not losing weight, I'm still being healthy and doing what is best, but my heart says, "Forget it, I told you it wasn't worth it. Might as well get KFC tonight." And then get up, cry about gaining 2 pounds overnight, and remedy that with a Bacon and Egg McGriddle sandwich in the morning.
Acceptance.... I am fat, and unhealthy, and I know that I must do something about it, and dieting is the only way out of this mess. I cannot eat all I want and still lose weight. And all be it that exercise does not trump the bliss of sleeping in, it is a necessary evil and required to ultimately reach my goal. I think I'm there now. Acceptance. I have to do this, like it or lump it, this is where I'm at. I will never have the metabolism to eat like a growing teenage boy and expect to look like a 20-something co-ed. Nope. I was not genetically wired to look like that w/out serious maintenance. If I eat round donuts and round pizza, I will, myself be round. You are what you eat. And if that is so, I'm a double cheeseburger. So, as much as I'd like to say Super-size me, the literal truth of the phrase can and will come to haunt me. Therefore, a life of "Hold the mayo, grilled, not fried...no, I would not like fries with that." is the life for me. Farewell dear chocolate, it's apples for me. Farewell, Colonel Sanders, I'm leaving you for Jarred, the Subway guy. Acceptance. It's no longer something I'm thinking about doing, it's something I must do. Accept it. This is my reality.
It's 5 am, I've been up all night at the hospital and apparently I have way too much time to think and philosophize at this time of day, but I couldn't help but make this connection. That in order to become a better and healthier person, I must allow the old me to die in a metaphorical sense. It's a constant process of change and moving from stage to stage. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be fully there, fully changed and not require constant maintenance and reassurance that I'm O-Kay, I look good, I'm healthy. I think, I fear that, somewhere in the shadow, the ghost of the old me is always lingering, waiting to possess me again like an unwanted demon, telling me that what i'm doing is worthless and pointless because she knows who I really am, the fat girl. She sees beyond the lie of the thin exterior and sees the fat girl that I really am, the real me. Reminding me that no matter how much I lose, how thin I get, I will always be formerly fat, the girl that lost a ton of weight. Yeah, that ghost is a real joy kill. And I just know that there will always be someone who says in a whisper as I walk away, "She looks great now, but you should have seen her back when..." The fear that just one bite too many will bring her back in full force, after all, it's not my first trip down the 100 pound aisle, why should I believe this time is different? I'll see her in every stretch mark, every dress that doesn't fit right. In every triumph, she'll remind me of a failure. That ghost is hard to out run, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying. Can I do it? I hope so, I think so, I KNOW so....
I haven't weighed in in a month. I'm up 6 pounds. I can't bring myself to post it. It came on like magic after the Lupron and Prednisone. First it was bloat, now it's just fat, I think, I know. Ooof! A never ending circle, constantly going through those same 5 stages. I have to keep moving, though. These are speed bumps, remember, not road blocks. Keep tellimg myself until I'm convinced....
Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Otherwise, you'll stay there. I'm going, I'm going...moving on.... I'm re-normalizing myself...leaving my fat and unhealthy hell. Moving once again past the bargaining and depression stage... Past acceptance and into a 6th stage that Kubler-Ross forgot to put into her stages...
Empowerment....I have accepted that this is what I must do if I want to be a healthier person. I am empowered to take control of my life and my situation and be a healthier person. I have been through many valleys and I am not stopping because the mountain ahead of me is too high. I am climbing up the mountain (and burning calories doing it!) and moving on...past the denial, past the bargaining, past the anger and depression....beyond acceptance and into empowerment to take action and take control. This is no one's fault <but mine> and I have control. I'm taking ownership of my problem. No war is won without fighting battles and this time is no different. Sitting down and fretting about things that get in my way will do me no good. In the past couple of months, I've been set back by surgery and side effects of medications and now I'm better, and I'm not giving up. This is war and I will win!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great week everyone!!!!!!!!! May you all be empowered to win the battle of the bulge!!!!!
Until next post....Lots of love and luck to all of you!!!!!
Sorry all that it's been so long since my last post. I've been getting killed by this stupid Lupron. Re-define, would have to get better to have been killed by it. So I got my first shot on the 15th of March. Life was good, tolerated it very well, except for the achy arm part, but that was to be expected. Then it hit me. It took a few days, but it found me and attacked. The sudden withdrawal of all hormones and the dreaded SIDE EFFECTS...some that I wasn't really expecting.
Hot Flashes....OMG! Cold one minute, hot and wanting to strip down to my underwear the next! (Sorry for the visual, guys, but it's true.). I always giggled at the little old ladies going around with sweaters half-on and half-off and now I'm one of them!
Mood Swings....I cry at the drop of a hat. The other day, DH left home thinking that i was still asleep and didn't want to disturb me since I had been working so much. Truth was, I was just laying there with my eyes closed, and he left, no good-bye or kiss. Left. Normal sane Bethany would have ignored this marital faux paux. Insane suddenly menopausal Bethany called the poor man, ripped him a new one for not waking me up to say good-bye, accused him of not loving me anymore and then burst into tears and hung up on him! WTF?!?! Who is this woman? Poor guy. He called me back and apologized and said "I love you, have a nice day, sweetie. BTW, have you gone crazy? Just wondering. Bye, lover." Oof! Thank God I warned him that I might go a little nutty before hand.
And then there's the "dryness"...I won't get into that, TMI, but it sucks, too. KY is a life saver.
Not to mention the water retention...Needless to say, dear Lupron has officially made it impossible for me to meet my April 1st goal by not only making me insanely hungry for the first week after it kicked in, which I managed to reign in after I came to my senses, but I'm holding water like no body's business. Can't even get my rings off. ARRRGH!!!!!!!
But the Body Aches threw me for a loop....So then I start to get these "flu-like" symptoms. At first not too bad, just achy, then as time went by, I began to hurt deep into every joint in my body, including my hands and fingers. It hurt to even get out of bed and every movement was an effort. I tried taking Ibuprofen and Tylenol. At one point I broke down and took some left-over Percocet from my Appendectomy. I have a high pain tolerance, but this has got to be the worst I've ever gone through. I couldn't even turn my head I was so stiff. And NOTHING, not even the Percocet, touched it. To make matters worse, I started getting leg cramps that kept me up at night and then the Lupron started making my migraines and asthma HORRIBLE. I was getting blinding migraines and wheezing like everything. Honestly, the pelvic pain and crazy periods were better than this. I think the way Lupron works is to make you so completely miserable that you don't care about the pelvic pain anymore! Needless to say, I didn't work out. I drug myself to work, begged for the easiest assignments (which didn't always work out), and came home and went straight to bed. I haven't even checked my e-mail in over a week, I think.
And then came the relief....AHHHH!!!!!!!! So, Wednesday, I finally broke down, couldn't take it anymore. I called in to work, after 2 weeks of misery, I was so exhausted, I just couldn't take 12 more hours of hearing other people whining about how they hurt when I was clocking in with worse symptoms than what they were there for. To be honest, you had to be knocking on heaven's door to get any sympathy from me these past 2 weeks. I've been very unsympathetic as a nurse. lol When people complained about their back aches and migraines, I just wanted to say, "Yeah, tell me about it. I'll notify you when I care." BAD NURSE! VERY BAD NURSE! Thank God the more reasonable me kept me from becoming House and just telling them what I was thinking! lol I called my OB/Gyn and told him about the side effect and, being the sympathetic soul that he is, he told me that there was nothing he could do about it, so I was just going to have to "deal with it and take Advil." Did I not stress enough to him that aTHAT WAS NOT WORKING?!?! And this was beginning to interfere with my life?!?! So I tried "dealing with it" for a few more days until I said, "Enough. This is ridiculous." I called in to work on Wednesday, took a sleeping pill, and knocked myself out until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, at which point I woke up hoping to God that the sleep would cure me. It didn't, so I went to the Urgent Care down the road and commenced with my "Woo is me" story to the Dr. who sympathetically listened and then gave me a breathing treatment...I CAN BREATH!!!!!!!!!! And a prescription for Prednisone, mainly for my asthma, but it IS an anti-inflammatory. I didn't want to sound like a drug seeker, but I told him I REALLY needed something for pain beyond Ibuprofen and Tylenol, and I recalled that prednisone DID NOT help my knee when I blew it out, it just made me fat! He urged me to try it, since I refused all offers of anything stronger...I wanted to be out of pain, but conscious, darn stubborn nurse....so I said I'd give it a shot, at least I would be able to breath better. And guess what?!?!
The Prednisone Worked!!!!!!!! Can I get a Hallelulu?!?! I feel like a new woman today! I can move my joints without feeling like I'm 90, and I have experienced a long-awaited return of my energy!!!!!!!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!!!!!!! I went for a walk between work and a meeting that I had to go to, went to the store and got groceries, did the laundry, straightened the house, and did the dishes that had been piling up!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! I even dropped a couple of those pounds of extra water weight that I've been carrying around, although I still can't get my rings off. Working on that.
I can't begin to tell you how much of a relief that the Prednisone has brought to me. I was honestly considering refusing the next round of treatments because the cure was worse than the disease. I think that the Wellbutrin is starting to kick in, too. I haven't cried in almost 24 hours now! lol I have a follow-up appointment with my crusty OB/Gyn on April 19th and he and I are going to have a heart-to-heart. The normal me is not intimidated at all by Dr's stupidity, seeing that I work with them daily, but the 'menopausal' me is thinking that if he doesn't listen this time and put me on add-back therapy (low-dose hormone replacement to minimize the effects of Lupron), he should look out, because I'm NOT going to be a happy camper and I'll start looking for a doc that WILL listen and realize that this is NOT normal, and NOT acceptable to have to deal with. Hot flashes? No problem. Mood Swings? My loved ones and co-workers were well-warned and have been patient with me crying all the time and snapping as long as I give them their heads back, they know that's not the normal me. But Rheumatoid Arthritis-like pain?!?!? NO WAY! I can't deal with something that is going to intrude on my life and my ability to do my job, which is very physically demanding and doesn't allow me to sit and rest, or move at a slow pace. Thank God for the Urgent Care doc that listened to me and knew what to do to at least get me through until my follow-up appointment. I'm just happy to be feeling like "ME" again!!!! Even if it is snowing in April here.
But enough of my whining about Lupron. Point of story is that I'm OVER IT!!!!!!!!!! The pain that is. So here's to another "Speed Bump." They're getting to be annoying but I'm not going to be defeated. I have a battle to win. A little black dress to get back into, and an after pic that is just dying to be taken!!!!!
Here's to perseverence and not giving up!
TAWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend all and Have a Blessed Easter Weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love you all lots!!!!! I'll try to slowly but surely catch up on everyone this weekend!
And BTW...Major Kudos to my li'l bro who lost 5 pounds!!!!!! YEAH TIMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening to me whine and then get over it!!!! lol
and he says, "but it's a good pain, right?" WTF is a good pain? It's just plain OWEY!!!!! I'm moving like I'm 90 now. This had BETTER get me over this plateau seriously! We'll see at the next official WI, I suppose! 
But I've been trying to organize my life since I know that I'm getting ready for another wave of business once I start back to school on the 26th, so I'm trying to play catch up on house and garden stuff that I've been ignoring for months now so that I won't have that stress looming over me while I'm trying to concentrate on getting back into the studying groove.
I was wary of taking it at first, but the more that I've read about it, the more that I thought I'd at least try it for a month and see what happens. It's not a stimulant or an appetite suppresant, it simply helps to block fat absorption and therefore decreases the amount of calories that your body processes, so it's more of a compliment to diet and exercise than anything. It has yucky tummy side effects if you go over 15 gm of fat in a meal, though, so you can't take it and splurge on a meal unless you want to be sitting on the toilet all night! So with that being said, I think I'll stick to my low fat healthy diet while I'm on it because I hate having an upset belly! So we'll see how it goes from here! Wish me luck!
WTF?!?! Who is this woman? Poor guy. He called me back and apologized and said "I love you, have a nice day, sweetie. BTW, have you gone crazy? Just wondering. Bye, lover." Oof! Thank God I warned him that I might go a little nutty before hand. 
Even if it is snowing in April here.