I haven't posted in over a week. Last week sucked. I came down with a nasty virus of some sort that knocked me out for the whole week. I tried to go to my trainer last Monday, 3 minutes (literally) into my workout, he told me, "go home and go to bed!" Of course, I had to work Monday through Thursday evening shifts, so no rest. I canceled my training sessions and physical therapy for the week and if I wasn't at work, I was in bed! I had a 3 day weekend. I spent Friday sick still. Then hubby got sick and that was our weekend. It was supposed to be a fun weekend for us, wrap up Christmas shopping, go see the lights at the zoo, spend time together. Instead, he slept the weekend away and that was pretty much it. I had every intention of going back to my trainer on Monday when I got some energy back, but I had my annual pelvic and pap (joy.) scheduled for 9:45am. I figured, I can surely make an 11:30 am appointment with my trainer. NOPE! They took so long, that I didn't get out until noon and then it was time to get dressed for work! :-( I'm not going back to that gynecologist. I've been going to him for years and the past couple times, he's been abrupt and rude. At first, I chalked it up to him having a bad day. He'd never been like that before. But yesterday took the cake. Not only was I forced to sit around all morning waiting for him to get to me, when he came to examine me, he wouldn't let me get a word in edge-wise! He'd ask me a question, I'd start to answer him, and he'd talk right over me! RUDE! THEN, I was feeling kind of proud that I had lost 11 pounds and he ridicules me about my weight. First of all, he tells me that I should only lose a pound or two a MONTH, that my pound or 2 a week (after my 1st big drop) was TOO FAST. I started to tell him that research shows that 1-2#s a week is slow and SAFE. I don't get my info from magazines, I get them from my medical journals. I'm fat, but not an idiot. Then he says I'm doing a "fad diet." Since when is WW a "fad diet?!?!" I'm just eating healthy, I'm not starving. Then he says, well, "you've been fat all of your life. You need to stop eating fast food and drinking beer." Ummmm....I was 145 until about 7 years ago and I DO NOT eat fast food, nor am I a beer drinker! And who are you to call me fat? My issue is NOT bad food (except chocolate), my issue is not eating for 12 hours a day because I"m busy at work, then I come home and I'm ready to eat my arm off and grab whatever. Also, FYI Dr. Ass, I DO NOT drink beer except on rare occasion. I MUCH prefer a nice glass of wine, and that is only on occasion as well. When I TRIED to say, I'm finally able to get back into the gym after being in a cast all summer, he just says, "exercise will do you only so much good, you need to learn to eat." UMMMM...if you would LISTEN to me, I eat right! I've been cooking our meals (healthy, LOVE my crock pot and my insulated lunch bag, they're my life lines!). I've always known HOW to eat right. I've just chosen not to do it for so long with all of the stress I've been under. He told me my "stress" was imagined and my own mental block. Since when is a divorce, grad school, losing my dad to cancer, losing my mom to a heart attack, and getting re-married "imagined stress?" He actually said to me that if I kept on my current weight loss plan (doing WW, eating right, exercising and losing weight at a slow, steady rate...what he deems a "fad diet"), that I might as well give up now because I was going to fail and that he knows me and I'll be back in next year and weigh over 300#s!!!!!!! It gets better....when I said that one of my goals was to lose weight and get healthy so we could get pregnant, he told me that I was getting "too old" at age 36. I was ready to deck him! I was HOT when I left and informed them that I would NEVER be returning there again. AT ANY RATE, I have an appointment to meet with a new gynecologist that I've heard from friends is great and she listens to you and cares about her patients. How does that doc (or any doc) expect to help his patients if he doesn't shut up long enough to hear what they have to say? I couldn't believe him! He called me fat, told me I was going to fail and get fatter, talked to me like I was an idiot, then called me old! UGH!!!! Jack Ass!
I was FUMING when I left! I told my husband and he was floored. He's a doc, too and couldn't believe that he had the nerve to talk to me like that. I, of course, was pissed and yet felt defeated at the same time. I took his insults more personally than I'd like to admit that I did and when I got to work and the holiday goodies were out, I dove into them whole-heartedly. It sucks when you think you're on a role and then someone comes along and poops in your zen garden. ARRRRRGH!!!!!!! I'm over him now. I got up, went to physical therapy today, had a body wrap, and now I'm off to spend the day with my brother for his birthday! I'm not going to let an idiot like him tear me down. My goal until after the end of the year is not so much to stay on plan, but to not go overboard, try to enjoy the holidays, and at least keep up with exercise and aim to not gain weight as well as to eat as healthy as possible considering the circumstances. After the 1st of the year, though, it's on like Donkey Kong! LOL
Okay...I'm off to lunch with my brother! I'll try to stop by and catch up on blogs as soon as I can!
So my cousin turned sweet 16 and my brother and I took her out to the Melting Pot for dinner and to a movie. Depending on the site you check, the Melting Pot's dinner for two (what we got) is anywhere between 700-1400 calories. Fortunately, I had only had cream of wheat and a banana for a late breakfast prior to dinner. Not much in the way of exercise today, but after the night I had at work Saturday, I needed a break. As far as cheating, if I'm gonna cheat, might as well be on an expensive and yummy dinner at The Melting Pot! YUMMY!!!!! Back to reality tomorrow. Getting my butt kicked by my trainer at 11am and then off to work. Yippee. LOL
Did you see that drop! Yeah for support from my EP buds, WW online, my trainer and a very supportive hubby! :). Yes, I know that a massive 1st week drop is an anomaly, not a norm, but it's the start I needed to see to keep me motivated! What helped keep me on plan at work was the big lunch box and ice packs my brother got me! It's got enough room for all my meals & snacks for the day and keeps everything cold so I can stash it under my desk and pull out something when I get the munchies. I don't have time to run to the break room where the fridge is constantly, so being able to keep that box in the physician's office under my desk is a HUGE help and keeps me out of the junk food we always seem to have stored back there. I've been training faithfully 3 days a week, plus physical therapy (which is a workout, too!) 2 days a week. It's paying off! Hope hubby's saving up for that chocolate diamond! LOL
Ever have one of those days? It starts out with you running behind and goes downhill from there? UGH!
I overslept, so I didn't get to get up and do cardio before starting my day like I meant to. I had a 10:30 appointment for a body wrap that I was 15 minutes late for because I apparently turned my alarm OFF instead of hitting snooze. I know, it sucks that I got a relaxing body wrap. Trust me, I needed it! We've been having issues with the guy that did our photobooth for the wedding. Really long story, but suffice it to say that after trying to get in touch with him to provide us our refund and reprints of the pictures that he screwed up (he never responds to me, which upsets me to no end), he decided to text me in the middle of the night and cuss me out and call me all kinds of names and told me he didn't feel like giving us our pictures after all. Jerk. SOOOO...that lead to me taking the afternoon that I was going to go to the gym instead and meeting with my attorney about filing a breech of contract suit against him.
On top of that, after my appointment, I decided that since I was out and about, I would go to the SSA and apply for my name change finally. It's been a month, after all. What was I thinking going there at the beginning of the month? It was an over 2 hour wait, standing room only and people were just plain RUDE. My ankle was KILLING me after standing for that long!
Then there was my "quick" trip to Walmart. Is there such a thing? That was 2 more hours, most of which was spent standing in line because of course, they only have 4 lanes open during their peak hours. What's up with that?
Needless to say, but the time I got home, it was time to make dinner, take out the dog, feed her and the cats, feed me and my brother, check in on hubby. By the time I got to sit down, my ankle was so huge and swollen that I could barely move. So there went any attempts to clean or workout that I had planned. Ice and Ibuprofen, HELP!!!!
It puts me in a bad mood when my day goes bust and everything that I have to do takes way longer than it should. Especially when I still have a ton of things on my to-do list. Like change the oil in the car, clean my house, etc. Of course, there is more than just me that could be cleaning the house, but I gave up that battle. My brother just plain won't help out with cleaning. I have to tell him (beg) to do the small things he DOES do. I love him, it's just aggravating because I can't relax in a messy environment. My house was not spotless before he moved in, but at least it was neat. Now things are thrown everywhere and add in the 2 kittens he decided to bring home (on top of my dog and 2 cats)...nothing can survive around them. They're like those Siamese Cats on Lady & the Tramp. Always plotting how they can destroy something nice of mine. I swear they are.
Okay, enough of my rantings. I'll just have to plug through things as best I can as I can. Griping won't make it better and it only serves to make me mad. I can't wait until I'm finished with orientation and back on 12 hour shifts. This whole having no time off thing is getting old. Plus, since it's the holidays, my spare time off has been spent running errands. My next day off is Sunday, but it's my niece's 16th b-day and I would be promptly killed by the teen mafia if I didn't show up! LOL After that, my next stretch off is the 17th-19th and hubby is coming to town. I really hate to be focused on cleaning while he's here since we see so little of each other, but I may have to do it before I go mad! LOL I can make it up to him at bedtime!
On the diet front, I kept it under 1500 calories. I was most proud of myself for only getting an unsweetened hot tea at Panera when I met my attorney there because I REALLY wanted one of those big M&M cookies they have! LOL Also, I should be thankful that I was out and about with no time to think today, it kept me from stress eating, because I SO wanted to hit the chocolate, wine and Mac&Cheese! By the time I got finished making a healthy dinner, I had no energy left to get back up for anything bad. I DID eat 3 little snack Kit Kats that I have stashed in the back of the fridge for emergencies, but only after checking my food log to make sure I had the room to do it!
Okay...done griping about my day. I'm tired and going to bed. I have to get the oil changed in my car tomorrow, go to the gym for an appointment with my Nazi Trainer, then apparently I have to go to work early because even though I had my TB test in October, they want it done AGAIN because they want it on a schedule with my birthday month (which was November). Whatever. Just go with the flow. Arguing with them will do no good.
I'm still in the organizing my routine phase of my weightloss efforts: Enrolling support, hiring the help I need and deciding what works best for me. I got up this morning early and went to Physical Therapy for my ankle, which is getting stronger and my balance is starting to improve! YEAH!!!! Next, it was off to a doctor in Mount Vernon who specializes in weightloss. I had been to him before, right before I lost mom, so I didn't stick to the program. He gave me phentermine to help control my appetite. Yes, I know the risks and benefits of it, which is why I'm using it with close physician supervision. Considering that I am seeing a doctor for it, I'm married to a doctor, most of my friends are docs and nurses, and I'm a Nurse Practitioner, I think I'm being well monitored! LOL I used to be pretty skeptical about weightloss drugs. I've tried Alli and HATED the side effects. I think it really only worked because I ate good just to avoid the "treatment effects." I did a ton of research before I decided to go down the phentermine road and my conclusion is that it has clinically proven benefits and when used short-term with physician supervision, is safer and more effective than most of the weightloss products available on the market today. I'm 100 pounds overweight with high cholesterol, borderline blood pressure and considering my family history, I have no choice but to lose the weight and take control of my health before it takes control of me. Diet and exercise alone have not worked for me for many reasons. I'm at the point where if this time fails, I will consider bariatric surgery. My hope is that it will do its job, which is to control my appetite so that I can say no to temptation easier. It's not a magic pill, but it is a tool that, combined with diet and exercise, may help me and I'm willing to use every tool within my power at this point.
This evening, I was back in the gym with my trainer. I hate him, I love him. He kicks my butt and doesn't take my crap. I hurt in places I didn't know I could hurt. That being said, I'm challenging my body to do things it hasn't done in years and I've got to say that seeing the minor improvements that I've seen in just 2 sessions, I feel great! Now I just have to keep it up for a VERY LONG TIME! LOL
On the eating front, I had a great day. I had an Odawalla Chocolate Chip Peanut Bar and Banana on the fly this morning because I overslept and had appointments to get to. Lunch was a WW Smart Ones with extra veggies, yogurt and fruit thrown in. Then I grilled steak, sauteed butternut squash and had a nice spinach salad with low-fat raspberry-lime vinaigrette dressing. Of course, a cold winter's day wouldn't be complete without a nice cup of hot chocolate. The real stuff. I'm sorry, if I'm gonna do this, I've decided that I'd rather have a small amount of something that I really like (real cheese and sour cream, real chocolate, etc), than a large amount of something that I can't stand. There are good diet foods out there, but some things just can't be substituted. At least in my book. Maybe I'm too much of a foodie, which is why I'm determined to cook as much as possible and avoid the frozen foods except for days where I'm running short on time. One thing that has caused me to cheat on diets before is the fact that I grow tired of "diet" food and just have to have something that tastes good. I like to eat something that tastes GOOD and is interesting, not just something to put in my stomach. So I'm digging out my recipe books, I'm playing with substitutions to see what works and doesn't and going from there. The true test will be if I can make it healthy and DH and my brother eat it and go back for more! LOL
I'm also keeping that stupid diet and exercise log that my trainer is making me do. The Livestrong Daily Plate app for iPod touch and Blackberry is a lifesaver for me ($2.99 in the iTunes and Blackberry app stores)! It makes it SO easy to log my progress. I just click on the app, type in what I ate and it adds it to my food log. I think it's WAY better than the WW app, it has a more thorough data base, so I don't have to customize as many foods. The less time I have to take logging, the better. You plug in your weight, your weightloss goals, activity levels, etc. and it tells you how many calories you should be consuming to meet that goal. It also tracks my weight, BMI and calories burned during exercise, then tells me what my net calories consumed are. I LOVE it! You can sign up for a free version online and track on your computer, too. I highly recommend it.
So here's to another successful day and I'm looking forward to WI for week one!!!! Tomorrow's agenda? Errands, some cardio at the gym, a body wrap, and getting around to that pesky house cleaning that I've been putting off! :-)
So, I had this grand plan to clean house, go grocery shopping and stock my kitchen, and work out today. Since I slept in, I was short on time. By the time my brother and I got out of the house to do anything, it was almost 4pm. We went to Bob Evans for dinner I ate healthy! Their potato-crusted flounder is tasty and low-fat/low cal! Then, since my brother's birthday is coming up and he's hard to shop for, I took him to Kohl's and let him pick out what he wanted. It wasn't on the to-do list, it was spur of the moment, but I don't get a whole lot of time to spend actual quality time with him even though we live together. He's gone for work by the time I get up and he's in bed when I get home. Then we went to the grocery store and re-stocked our embarrassingly empty kitchen with healthy goodies. It's nice to open the fridge and see more than left-over take out and a couple bottles of beer, I must say! LOL I didn't get the house cleaned, but I did manage to clean the fridge and do dishes and laundry.
I didn't get my workout in, but I did get to spend time with my brother and I'm making up for the lost workout day tomorrow. I have physical therapy in the morning and then I'm meeting with my trainer in the afternoon. A challenging day tomorrow and I still hurt head-to-toe after Saturday's workout. So I missed Sunday, but I'm going to make up for it in Spades. LOL The lesson learned from today is to do workouts before errands or else I'll wind up with no time and even less energy and initiative to workout! At least I didn't cheat!
Hopefully since I still have 2 more days off, my house will get cleaned by the time I go back to work! Well, if it doesn't get to white glove standards, at least maybe it won't be so awful as it is right now. It's all about baby steps for weightloss, fitness, health, organization and getting my house back in order. I'll make it there. Maybe not as fast as I'd like to, but I will. Too bad we can't fix messes as quickly as we make them!
Oh well! It'll all get done. I'm on no deadline but my own self-imposed ones. Just gotta keep working on it all bit-by-bit.
Okay, so I stayed up late because hubby had to work the late shift and I don't sleep well until I've heard from him. That's the way it's been our whole relationship and I don't anticipate it will change any time soon, especially with us living in 2 different cities and states right now. I fell asleep on the couch sometime around 3-ish, woke up to a kitty blanket and a very big dog wanting to go outside around 8am. I thought about getting up then, but decided to go to my real bed and sleep for a couple of hours that turned into 4 more hours. Do I feel slightly guilty for not getting up early and moving on my day? Maybe a little. Do I feel TONS better for getting that sleep? Abolutely!
Now for the rest of the day. I'm trying to decide if I want to be super woman and go for a cold walk, hit the gym for some cardio, or stay in and do one of my tapes or elliptical. I'm thinking home may win, although I have to go by my gym anyway and cancel my membership since I'm switching to a new gym. My new trainer is at Lifestyle Family Fitness and I'm thinking since I'm going to be working out with him 3 days a week, there's no sense in going to my old gym for cardio and to LFF for training. Plus, I'm horrible about getting to the gym on my non-training days right now, anyway. I think since I work out of town 3 days a week, when I'm home, I don't want to leave much unless I have to! LOL SO, I may go ahead and get some cardio in there and then cancel, but we'll see. I may just drop by and cancel on my way to the store since it's by Kroger's.
My day is going to be an abbreviated version of what I had initially planned. But I need to go to the store. Start working on my house, starting with the bedroom, since the house is still a mess from wedding stuff and general lack of organization. It's not going to be perfect. My brother is living with me and there are boxes everywhere and combining a house and an apartment into my little house equals cramped quarters naturally. I just don't want someone to call "Hoarders: Buried Alive" and ask them to stage an intervention for me! LOL
I need to go to the store and stock up on healthy foods. Lack of money from being on medical leave from August to November, plus wedding craziness and starting a new job, led to several months of eating whatever was cheap and on sale or take out that someone kindly brought in to me since I was in a cast and couldn't go anywhere. I need INGREDIENTS: lean meats, veggies, fruits, etc!!!! My brother bought me a cool large lunch cooler that's roomy enough to hold lunch, plus snacks that I'm going to start using to pack my things for the day while I'm at work. The sad fact is that docs and NPs where I work do not get lunch breaks, we're lucky to get away for a minute to the cafeteria long enough to bring back a sandwich, which leads to me either making poor choices by grabbing a hamburger or just plane starving, then eating everything in sight when I get home. My lunch box is going to become my lifeline at work.
Thinking I'm going to wake up my brother, who partied all night long and just got in a little bit ago and see if he'll help me go to the store, maybe a walk, and lunch...oh yeah, and help me clean the house! Why do I always wind up being the one to clean when we both live here and he's younger than me, stronger than me, and hasn't had any recent orthopedic surgery? Hmmmmm....THAT'S gotta change!
Okay...on with my day! I know me, if I don't watch it, I'll spend all day blog hopping and blogging about making changes, then wonder why I didn't do anything to actually MAKE a change myself!
So I've been a member on EP since 2006, but I've made the decision to delete all of my posts prior to yesterday. If I'm going to start over fresh, that includes letting go of reminders of my past failures. I'm making the conscious decision to let go of past diets, weight gains and losses, past hurt feelings and any other baggage that has kept me from reaching my goals before. I don't know that I've ever made a New Year's resolution that I've actually kept. I have a million excuses, stress, working too much, dad's illness, unhappy marriage, divorce, falling out of love, falling in love, planning a wedding, hurting my knee, hurting my back, hurting my ankle, gall bladder surgery, ankle surgery, blah, blah, blah blah, blah. Truthfully, there are many reasons why I haven't made the important changes that I need to make in my life...mostly unhappy reasons, some happy ones (It's true what they say, love makes you fat! LOL). The biggest reason I haven't made changes is myself. I've been too tired, too lazy, too busy or just plain too depressed to make it worth my time and effort. I'll go through moods where I have said, "Now's the time! I'm going to do it! This time is different!"
And then something happens. Something ALWAYS happens.
For the past 2 years, I've felt like the planets have been aligned against me and I've let every curve ball bring me that much farther down and my weight keeps climbing. My house is a mess, an outward representation of the mess that has been my life for so long. I've been angry at God for taking both of my parents so close together and leaving me alone. I've been angry at others for expecting me to be the strong one and carry them as well as myself, when the truth is, I could have said no, but didn't. I've been angry at myself for letting my life get so unorganized and so overwhelmingly unmanageable that it's going to take massive effort to ever reclaim any sense of calm and order.
Time to let go. Time to stop making excuses and using hurt and blame as a reason to not focus on what is now important. I'm still here, I'm still alive. I'm a Nurse Practitioner. I know all of the reasons why being 100 pounds overweight is bad for me. My cholesterol is high, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my ankle hurts. I'm borderline hypertensive. I'm not diabetic yet, thank God, but I will be soon if I don't watch out. I have sleep apnea and acid reflux. I'm 36 and feel 80. My dad was so worried about me that before he lost his voice to cancer, he begged me to lose weight, not because he thought I was fat, but because he was worried that I'd end up like him and everyone else in the family: dead before my time because of something preventable. He didn't smoke, he didn't drink, but he didn't eat right. He had diabetes and hypertension and because he didn't take care of himself, suffered 2 strokes, a heart attack, and then cancer. Mom had diabetes and died at 65 of a heart attack. Before my grandmother, who died at age 62, the women in my family lived long and healthy lives. My great grandmother lived to 80, my great-great grandmother, 103. But that's not the case anymore. Seems like our life expectancies are shortening because of our diet and lifestyles. The same weekend mom died, my older sister was in the hospital with a stroke.
I see the road signs, I hear the warning bells. Now what will I do about it? Why on earth will this time be different from anytime before it?
For the first time in my adult life, I'm only working ONE job (and I'm not in school anymore!)! Three 12-hour shifts a week. That leaves FOUR days to work on the rest of the crap that I have to take care of (ie: me and this house!). I have a wonderful, loving, supportive hubby who is truly my best friend! He loves me as I am, but he knows that my weight is slowly killing me and wants me to be happy and healthy. My issues with losing weight are not self-esteem related. Are there days when I look in the mirror and want to shrink away and gripe about how fat I am? Yes. Do I generally think that I am ugly and worthless because I weigh 255 pounds? Not so much. I think that I've finally aged and matured beyond the point of connecting my self-worth to my dress size. Although....losing weight would save me money because plus-size clothes are expensive and who on earth came up with the "fat tax" where anything over a certain size is more expensive?
Honestly, I just don't want to feel like crap anymore. I don't want to be tired and in pain all the time. I want to feel energetic and healthy and know what it's like to get out of bed and not have to reach to ibuprofen to get moving. I want the nurse at my doctor's office to stop "tsk-ing" when she reads my weight on the scale and I want the doctor to quit lecturing me about cholesterol and losing weight.
So for once in my life, I'm thinking that maybe this is MY time to get myself together. I'm trying to shake that feeling that my sense of security in this new-found calm in my life is false. You go through as much negative crap and tragedy as I've gone through over the past couple of years and it's hard to not keep waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under you every time you get to thinking things are finally looking up. But you know what, I think that maybe things finally ARE looking up and even if there is another train waiting to derail me around the corner, I can't live my life waiting for it to strike.
Hubby and I will unfortunately be living in 2 separate cities for the next 10 months. He's in Detroit finishing his residency, I'm in Columbus under a 3-year contract with the hospital I work at. On one hand, it sucks, on the other hand, that gives me 10 months to focus on me and getting ready to be a happier, healthier wife when he is able to move home with me. I need that time to focus and be a little selfish. It will be best for the both of us.
So here's to letting go of the past and the heartache and tears it brought and saying hello to a new beginning with new hope and a wonderful new man in my life! I'm finally ready to make changes and I'm accepting that it's not going to happen overnight, but it WILL happen!
SOOOO...The trainer that I used to work out with is working on his PhD and can only meet me at 7am and he only trains at the gym downtown now. UGH! Now for people who work 9a-5p, that's probably a good thing, but for an ER NP that works 11a-11p, 7am is NOT a good time and it's impossible for me to get up at 6am after not getting home until 1am (I work out of town) and he only trains downtown and I live on the far east side of town. My brother referred me to his trainer, who trains at a gym closer to me and has flexible hours, which is PERFECT for me! I had my 1st session with him today and I LOVE him! He's full of energy, he's fun, but he doesn't let me get by with whining and trying to get out of things...which I totally need right now!
I've pre-paid for a month of sessions and I'm going to be training with him 3 days a week. I'm doing WW again. I was good the past 2 days! :-) My trainer is forcing me to do homework (keep a diet and exercise log, I'm awful at keeping up with those things!)...but I have that Levian Chocolate Diamond to that DH has promised me to look forward to and I can't pass that up!
In addition, my friends and I are thinking about signing up for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training to walk the Capital City Half Marathon in May! I'm excited because I think it will not only be a great motivation to get in shape for a greater good, but also fun to be able to do it with my BFFs! :-)
SO....Here's to hoping that this time next year, I'm posting that I met and exceeded my goal! :-)
Quite honestly, I have ridden the most insane roller coaster that life could hand me these past couple of years. It's a been a series of wonderful highs and tragic lows and it's wreaked havoc on my body and mental health. When I first started this blog 2 years ago, I was 245 and I lost a ton of weight at first...then life hit me and I fell off the band wagon and apparently then got ran over by it. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 tonsil cancer and had to have major surgery, my marriage fell apart, I was trying to make it through grad school while working 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet. No time for me. That sounds selfish. I do not begrudge a moment that I spent caring for my father. I loved and still love him more than life itself and if I could trade anything to have him back, I would. Last Thanksgiving, he lost his battle to cancer two days after my divorce was finalized and I thought that life couldn't get any worse.
During my separation from my husband, one of my best friends, who used to be an Intern where I worked, stepped in and became my major support and strength. While I was busy being strong for everyone else, he was strong for me. That friendship grew into love and on Dec 10, 2010, we became engaged. Happy times were on there way! My mother and I began planning for the big day, I was going to start working out and losing weight to fit in the dress, we were going to bridal shows and picking out venues. So exciting! Well, man plans, God laughs. On March 5th, I fell and tore the ligaments in my right ankle and wound up in a walking boot for several months. Then on April 3rd, my mother had a massive heart attack and died. I wanted to drop out of school and shut away from life, but my friends, brother, and fiancé made me keep going, I was in my last quarter. In June of this year, I graduated with my Master of Science in Nursing and 2 months later, I passed the boards and became a Nurse Practitioner! I did it for mom and dad. I know that they are proud of me.
So school was over and I tried to work out on my leg, but it wouldn't give me a moment's peace and in August, I went on medical leave and had surgery to repair the ligaments and spent the rest of my summer into October in a cast and then the stupid walking boot again. Then physical therapy. UGH!
So now the upside to the madness: I was offered a great job working as an ER NP, which is what I love and I'm making great money (so we're hoping financial woes are going to become a fast thing of the past!). I love my job and the people that I work with and they seem to like me, too. I haven't worked at a place that accepted me so quickly and openly as this new ER. It's a small town ER, not like the huge trauma center I used to work in, but it has it's virtues and I'm finding my place there.
On November 6th, I married my best friend and the love of my life! You can see our wedding pics by visiting our photographer's website! I missed my parents, but I knew they were there with me and we honored them with a memorial candle ceremony and bells tolled in their honor. My brother gave me away. I wasn't a skinny bride, I was back to 245, but corsets do wonders and at least I fit in the dress! I couldn't breathe or eat, but I looked good! LOL Unfortunately, hubby and I are still living in separate cities (Detroit for him, Columbus for me.). That's gonna be for another year until he finishes his residency. I can't move because I"m under contract with my hospital and he can't move because of his residency program. Oh well, we're dealing and we try to see each other on our days off as much as possible.
Thanksgiving this year found us out of town in Detroit visiting hubby when the dog got sick and had to have an emergency hysterectomy for an infected uterus. That was no fun. And now on with the rest of my life....
I'm finished with school. I'm hoping that I'm over the major dramas and tragedies that have plagued me and my family. My new job offers me a fixed schedule, 12 hour shifts, 3 days a week, NO call, hardly any weekends. Can't beat it! So I'm running out of excuses to not get my rear back into shape. I'm cleared to do most activities as long as they don't stress my ankle too much and I've devised a plan that is going to involve many steps and won't be about dieting and weightloss alone. Let's face it, you get divorced, lose 2 parents, and get re-married all within the span of 1 year, you need to re-structure your life. I'm learning to re-prioritize and let go of things that don't matter and hold on to the things that do.
I have 4 days off this weekend and I'm going to focus on remodeling my life and devising my plan to meet my longterm goals. First on the agenda: clean and organize my house that has been neglected for the past 2 years. Second, I'm going back to WW. I need the accountability and support. JC offered structure, but the support was weak and I panicked if I went off plan. WW lets you enjoy real food and you don't have to walk around with an "I'm dieting" tattoo on your forehead. Third, I've hired a personal trainer to work out with me 3 days a week and make me move my lazy bum! Fourth, I'm going back to my diet doctor and getting back on phentermine. It's a great appetite suppressant and helps energize me, and I need that boost to motivate me right now. Fifth, my hubby and my girlfriends are signing up for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training to walk the Capital City Half Marathon in May in Columbus. And last, but not least, I'm breaking my big goal up into smaller goals. First goal? My 10% goal (25#s) by Feb 14th.
My dear, sweet hubby, who loves me just as I am and would never ask me to change, is none the less supportive of my endeavors and has pitched in with some wonderful rewards of his own! :-) Goal 1...10%, I get a massage! Goal 2....200#s, I get a spa day at the Hershey Hotel and a chocolate massage! Goal 3....175#s....I get a Levian Chocolate Diamond ring or necklace! Goal 4....145#s...I get to go on a nice vacay to California Wine Country!
I'm hoping to reach my goals by our 1st Anniversary, Nov 6, 2011. I'm thinking that with hubby living in Detroit and me here, now is the perfect time to be a little selfish and focus on getting myself back on track with my health goals and thank God I have such a wonderful hubby to support me through it all!
In addition to hubby, I've got my circle of girlfriends who are behind me 100% and I have my EP peeps! I've missed being on here! This place really does provide accountability and helps me to celebrate my victories and work out my frustrations! Hope everyone is doing well! Have a great weekend and wish me luck, tomorrow is my first day training with my new trainer! :-)
It sucks when you think you're on a role and then someone comes along and poops in your zen garden. ARRRRRGH!!!!!!! I'm over him now. I got up, went to physical therapy today, had a body wrap, and now I'm off to spend the day with my brother for his birthday! 
I'm not going to let an idiot like him tear me down. My goal until after the end of the year is not so much to stay on plan, but to not go overboard, try to enjoy the holidays, and at least keep up with exercise and aim to not gain weight as well as to eat as healthy as possible considering the circumstances. After the 1st of the year, though, it's on like Donkey Kong! LOL
I can't wait until I'm finished with orientation and back on 12 hour shifts. This whole having no time off thing is getting old. Plus, since it's the holidays, my spare time off has been spent running errands. My next day off is Sunday, but it's my niece's 16th b-day and I would be promptly killed by the teen mafia if I didn't show up! LOL After that, my next stretch off is the 17th-19th and hubby is coming to town. I really hate to be focused on cleaning while he's here since we see so little of each other, but I may have to do it before I go mad! LOL I can make it up to him at bedtime! 
