Evolution of a Curvy Girl

Still Alive...

Thursday, November 1, 2007 00:09:14

First of all, I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have stopped by to check on me, you are all wonderful!

Life has remained hectic and I popped on the scale and realized that I had let myself get back to 232! OMG! (I now weigh more than my brother, who started out at 309#s and is now 215! I'm proud of him and his accompishment, but I still can't believe I'm fatter than him! UGH!) I can't believe how things can slip so far out of control! Between taking 2 classes, working 2 jobs, marriage problems and worrying about my father, I forgot about my own health. Well, there was the wake-up call. I called Jenny, not because I can't do this on my own, and you all know my feelings about JC in general, but because I honestly have NO time to think about things right now, and I need the kick in the rear. I'm down 4 pounds this week, mainly because I wasn't very strict (too many catered meetings at work! lol). My plan is to stay on Jenny until I have a better handle on things and then gradually ease into a healthy eating plan over the next few months. Jenny is not a long-term fix by any means, but at least it is a starting for me. Starting back from square one, where I was 2 years ago when I first joined.

ALSO, I had avoided the gym for a while for 2 reasons: I fell and screwed my knee up again, and my trainer's schedule was not compatible with mine. My day off is Wednesday, so is his. His only evening day is Thursday, I have class from 5-9pm. UGH! SO what do I do? I just don't go, UNTIL...my knee got hurting so bad I could barely walk, so I saw my Orthopedic Surgeon and he is threatening me with another knee surgery if I don't lose the weight and get my knee stronger through physical therapy. (But it hurts!) SO, I bit the bullet...he put me on Celebrex, I'm going to physical therapy once a week, and I called the fitness center and I'm now working out with a new trainer. This trainer, Julie, is the lead trainer and don't tell Nate, but I like her WAY better! She pushes me without making me feel like a loser (Nate let me get away with whining and would give into my laziness), PLUS, she has tailored my workouts to a woman's body to target my problem areas better. Best of all, she's open Thursday mornings, which is perfect for me! YEAH!!!!! I'm dragging my friend with me this Thurs am and we're going to start splitting sessions to save $$$$, so I have her to motivate me, too. We work together and go to school together, so now we're pushing each other to get fit and lose weight together. It helps to have a buddy that is on the same ridiculous schedule as you!

On the marriage front, Salah left for Egypt for 3 weeks, we began talking to each other on the phone while he was gone and we're at least being civil. He's back in the country now and we're trying to work things out. I'm guarded about it after all he's put me through, but I want to give my marriage a chance, too. We'll see. This marriage has taken a toll on my waist line, too. One day at a time, I know it's not going to resolve overnight.

Dad is doing better, his burns from radiation have healed, he has the feeding tube out of his stomach, he's eating and getting stronger. They found skin cancer lesions last week that they removed, they were small and contained, so it was no big deal in the grand scheme of things considering what he has gone through this year. I'm so proud of him and how he's survived so many trials and tribulations this past year. I think we're all ready for 2009 to come and a fresh start. It's been a heck of a long year.

SOOOOO....I'm hanging in there! I'm through with saying "this time will be different, now that things are settling." I've learned that things rarely "settle in my world," and that I just have to take it day by day. Baby steps, mini goals, celebrate each small victory. I have to get a handle on things and learn to work "me" into my life sometimes. I spend a lot of time telling worn-out family members of my patients that they need to care for themselves or they will be no good to their loved ones, perhaps the nurse should take her own advice now! I feel like a hypocrite telling people how to live healthy and eat right and I don't do it myself. Plus, I'm heading straight for diabetes, heart problems, and a stroke, too, if I don't take control. If I wait until my life allows me time to focus on me, I will never do it, so here I go...right at my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas! I feel like a little terrier barking at a pit bull and not realizing that I'm out-sized! lol

Anyhoo....in other news, has anyone caught the new show on Style Network, "Ruby?" It's a reality show about a woman in Savannah, Ga, who weighs 500#s and is trying to lose weight and get healthy through diet and exercise. I DVR'd it and just saw the premier, it's on Sundays at 8pm, and I was really inspired by her! I can't wait to see how she does! If she can lose 350#s, I can lose 90. You should check it out!

Have a great week, all! It may be the end of the quarter before I can check in on everyone, but I wanted to let you know I'm alive and kicking!

Love,
-Bethany

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Four Months Gone

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:06:17

Where did Summer go? Sorry I haven't been on in forever, but life has been hectic and I've been OL for school and bill pay only for the most part. Dad is doing better, he's finished w/chemo and radiation, his last treatment was 2 weeks ago. His neck, mouth and throat are burned to a crisp and it's painful for him to talk and eat, so he's lost over 50 #s, but the docs are optimistic that they've got it all and now he just has to get his strength back. He's really weak right now, but he is able to eat and hopefully his feeding tube will be able to be removed soon. Thank you all for your prayers, I am faithful that he has beaten this thing.

In "me" news, I got an "A" in Advanced Pharmacology! YEAH! No small task, that class was killer! So I kept my 4.0 gpa intact. I was doing good on the diet and exercise track until this past month when my class was over. I picked up tons of OT to make up for money that I won't be making once the quarter started back up and pay off my IRS debt and basically didn't work out or eat right all month. SO, the quarter is starting back up tomorrow and today I went back to my trainer and I've kept on track eating-wise today, I'm getting ready to ship out to the grocery store to stock up on things in a few minutes. I'm one of the rare homes in Central Ohio that didn't lose electricity when Ike decided to go north.

The marriage thing is in limbo. IDK what to do, well, I do, but I just haven't. We are living together, but it's not a marriage. When we DO see each other, we fight. I'm still really hurt by that stunt he pulled in April and I can't get over it and he's really doing nothing to help me get over it, no apology, nothing. He hasn't been to see my dad or call him once since my dad's been going through all of this. Then when I try to talk to him about it, he goes crazy and starts blaming me for all of the ills in his life and spewing venom like you wouldn't believe at me. He's just turned into this angry, hateful person that I don't know who he is anymore and he's turned it all onto me, and believe me, he's dealt some low blows to me lately. I know I'm not a perfect person, but I don't think I deserve half of what I've gotten and I wouldn't have dreamed of saying or doing some of the things he's said and done lately. I really wish that he'd just go if he hates me that much. I should have just let him stay gone the first time and I'd already be on with my life. He's going back to Egypt in Oct. I'm relieved for the break. He's really succeeded in making me simply not care how our marriage turns out. I am resigned to the fact that no matter what I do, I can't fix this by myself and if he has no initiative to help fix the problem, why should I care.

At any rate, I'm not dwelling on that subject for too long, because it will just frustrate me. I'm back to school tomorrow, and I'm going back to day shift as of next week and a normal schedule, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to focus a little time on me somewhere in between since I'll be sleeping on a "normal" sleep schedule and maybe have a little more energy. I've been wiped out lately. No good sleep, bad food, no exercise, stress. I have little control over the stress lately, but the sleep, food, exercise thing are in my hands.

I'll try to keep updates posted as much as possible, but I'm taking 2 classes this quarter, so my time is going to be pressed, unfortunately.

Hope everyone had a great summer! Here's to fall!

-Bethany
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Dad -Thursday

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 22:02:01

Dad had a stress test and all is clear for surgery. His surgery will be today at 4pm and then he will be admitted to the ICU afterwards for close observance since he had complications after the last 2 surgeries. Please keep him in your prayers.

-Bethany

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Dad's surgery....updates...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 22:01:00

Well, dad's surgery has been post-poned pending cardiac clearance. It's my fault, I raised concern that he has been through so much lately that I thought it would be safest if he had his heart checked out. Well...after much pondering, the docs made an 11th hour decision to cancel the surgery for today and admit dad to the hospital and do a stress test tomorrow and make sure his heart is strong enough for surgery. Dad isn't the happiest camper in the world that I interfered, but I have to look out for his best interest and my view is what's the use in taking out the cancer if your heart stops working or you have a bad stroke and can't function anyway? At least now I'll feel better knowing that they checked him head-to-toe and made sure he was good to go before surgery. SO, he's probably not going to have surgery until Thursday if the stress test is negative.

I'll post any new updates that I have as soon as I know. As far as I am going...I haven't slept in 2 days and I fell into a bowl of mac and cheese and chocolate. I need it. I won't beat myself up for it. I'll be better tomorrow. But I need the comfort foods and chocolate today.

Thanks for all of your support and prayers, please keep them coming. I hope that the stress test is negative so that we can get that cancer out and get dad on his way to healing ASAP.

-Bethany

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Dad's Surgery

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 23:09:15

The Doctor called this am, Dad's scheduled for OR tomorrow (5/20) at 1pm. Please keep him in your prayers and thank you for all of your support, encouragement and prayers so far.

-Bethany

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The Doctor Called...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 23:07:13

My dad's PET scan results are back. The cancer has spread into the lymph nodes in his neck., the good news in this being that this is as far as the cancer has spread so far. He's going to have surgery this week, but we don't know a date or time yet. After the surgery, he's going to have to have radiation therapy 5 days a week for 5 weeks. My biggest concern is that he just had a stroke right before Easter and he's going to have to go off of his blood thinners pre-op, putting him at risk for another possible stroke. I'm really upset because I noticed that lump on his neck months ago when I went to hug him and my hand brushed against his neck and it was big enough that I could feel it then. I started getting onto his doctor then about it and he brushed it off and did nothing. Now look where we are! Would it have been so hard for his family Dr. to have listened to me then and maybe things wouldn't have gone so far? I wish my dad would find a new family doc anyway, I've never been impressed with this one, but dad likes him. I think he's negligent. At least he's going to a good ENT that I know and know his reputation. I can't tell you how many times I've caught stuff on my dad that he's over-looked. It sounds like we're in for a long-haul, but Dr. Lowery says he has high hopes that he's going to be able to remove it all, so provided the surgery goes smoothly, it's going to be a long month with radiation, but he'll be okay.

Please keep him and my mother in your prayers. I'll post updates as I know anything.

Thank you all for your words of love and encouragement,

Bethany

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I made the Sinner List!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 23:07:05

Well, if I'm looking for good news, I cheated multiple times this week, didn't work out, and I lost 3.4 pounds at WI! YEAH! I don't know HOW I did it, but I'll take good news any way I can right now. :-) I've have a "blah" week.

It's been cold and rainy and dreary weather-wise, I didn't work out b/c TOM wiped out my energy (and stress) and I didn't get out w/friends & family as usual, so it was a great week for self-pity and giving in to temptations.

Sunday was Mother's Day. I went to my parent's church to be w/my mom and I opened up the church bulletin and under the prayer requests, there's a request to pray for ME because I was going through a lot of problems and needed saved! OMG! I could have crawled under the pew! Here I am in a church where people barely know me b/c I don't go to my parents' church and I see my name on the sinner list! ARRRGH! My parents told me that they had actually said that I was going through a lot of struggles and needed God's help, not saving, and that the lady who does the prayer requests got it wrong, but none the less, it's a small church and it made for a very uncomfortable Sunday morning with everyone thinking that I was the prodigal daughter of the Rev. Crabtree, church elder, and his saintly wife, the piano player. Then we had dinner at the Buxton Inn in Granville. A beautiful historic Inn with great food and atmosphere. Except that it happens to be where DH and I were married and we were seated at the table where we dined alone on our wedding night. It took a lot for me to put that in the back of my mind and not ruin mother's day any more than I had after being indignant over making the sinner list. But it did set my mood for the rest of the week, I think.

On the marriage front, I don't know what's going on there. He's distant and cold. We hardly talk. I'm losing my ability to care. It's not good right now. At least the small amount of time that we have interacted this week has been civil and no knock-down-drag-out fights like last week. I haven't been to counseling in a couple of weeks...I go this Wed again. I think I need to go, my head is getting all messed up and I need the objectivity. My friends and family are invested in my best interest and they just want me to be done with my husband so that I can move on and be happy. I want to be happy, but I want to be married and I'm not certain that DH and I can put happy and married in the same sentence when talking about the 2 of us. He's said so many hurtful things lately that I'm not certain that I can get over all of that and pretend they were never said and that he never ran out on me when I needed him most.

As far as dad goes, he had a PET scan to grade the tumor and check for metastasis, but we still haven't gotten final results or a surgery date yet. I'm just praying that the lump on his neck isn't metastatic and that it is a benign tumor. And more importantly, I am praying that he has a smooth, simple surgery sans complications. He's had such a rough few months and I just want him to be able to catch a break and have some time to feel healthy and better. I'm trying awfully hard not to let my depression get in the way of my ability to be there for my parents and be strong for them.

I hate that my depression has returned just when I thought I had gotten over it. Rearing its ugly head and trying to defeat me. I just want to feel normal, no like this sad, self-pitying little person. The doctor increased my Wellbutrin to the max dose now. Of course, I'm hoping that it helps w/my weightloss and depression, too. lol I am concerned because I'm going to try to go back to school for summer quarter and I am worried about the juggling act that I'm about to take on by adding this stress. The worst of it is that i'm worried that I'm going to fall back into my old eating hab

its and stop being active again. I've been eating right and exercising with the exception of this week and I don't want to give that up. Lord give me strength!

SO, please keep my father in your prayers. I'm so worried about him and I just want him to be okay. And pray that I am able to make the right decision about my marriage. And pray that I can not give into the demon chocolate who offers to solve my problems but all he does is add pounds and inches!

I am starting to pull out of my mully-grubs, so i'm hoping that I'll be back to a work-out routine and on plan soon. I would love to hit my 10% by next WI!

Well, I'm going to go to bed. Have a great weekend, all! I'm hoping that I can soon start having some happier news to start reporting!

Love,

Bethany

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Where does the bad news end?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 00:09:23

You ever had one of those days where you'd give your right arm if anyone would just tell you some GOOD news? ARRRRGH! I'm having one of those days.

So to re-cap...in the past month...

-My dad had a stroke and wound up in critical care for 4 days

-I found out I owe $7500 in taxes

-DH packed his bags, said "I don't love you anymore" and left, then came back a week later and it's been little more than ice and fights since...with the occassional confusing and awkward moment of hope sprinkled in just to make me suffer, I think.

-I had to drop out of school because I had too much else going on and I didn't feel like spending tons of money on something I couldn't focus on.

So just when you think you've hit bottom...someone throws you a shovel to keep on digging!

My dad has been complaining of a sore throat for over a month now. I noticed a lump on the outside of his neck that he brushed off and so did the doctor, pretty much. Then he finally lets me look in his throat to see if he has strep or something and I notice that his right tonsil is WAY bigger than his left tonsil and it's occluding half of his airway. So mom and I threatened him within an inch of his life and drug him kicking and screaming to the ENT doctor (Ear, Nose, Throat). His appointment was yesterday. Mom took him because I had to work. The doctor did a biopsy because his tonsil looked suspicious. Today, mom calls me at work in hysterics because the doctor called her on her cell phone WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING HOME FROM WORK (of course, he had no idea of knowing that, but I wish she had pulled over first!) and tells her that the biopsy results just came back. And then the 2 words that you hope you never hear...it's cancer. OMG I thought I was going to get sick right in the middle of the ER. It's cancer of the tonsil. The ENT that he's going to is one of the best, I have a lot of confidence in him and I'm praying it is just localized and it will be a "simple" surgery...he'll have radiation therapy afterwards. He has to go in for more scans to see how involved it is and if it's spread anywhere else...then we'll know more about when the surgery is and what to expect. The good news is that it is a highly treatable cancer provided that it's caught in the earlier stages and has a >90% survival rate. I feel so bad because I feel like he just hasn't been able to catch a break. He's depressed enough after the stroke and now this! Prayer is all we have right now, so I'm praying that he gets through this okay and keeps his spirits up because he's been easily defeated ever since his 1st stroke in 2005.

Anyway, I'm just trying to hold it together and continue with counseling and try to be there for my family and figure out where my marriage is going. The good thing is that during chronic stress, I eat like a pig, but during acute and HUGE stress, I forget to eat. So maybe I'll at least lose weight. (I have to hold onto some bright side)

Everyone, just please keep my dad in your prayers during this difficult time and pray that this is nothing hugely serious.

Thanks to all of you who have been sending hugs and prayers my way, they're much needed and appreciated.

Love,

Bethany

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WI

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 00:08:10

OK, so I got my rear out of bed this am to go to the Thurs WI instead of the Sat WI eventhough I really wanted to get the true 1 week weight...but considering I'm working 3p-3a on Sat, I'm not convinced that I would be able to get my bum up in time to make the 10am meeting on Sat. Since my insurance will only reimburse me if I go to 100% of the meetings for 10 weeks, I had to go today. I stepped on my scale, which is usually right on target w/the WW scales this am and I was at 211.7 (that's 1.9 pounds down from Sat! YEAH!), but the scales must have been reset over there, because my WI was 213, which is only 0.6 pounds down. UGH! SO, I'm posting the 211.7, which means I'm just 5.7 pounds away from my 10% goal of 206! Sorry, WW, but your scales need calibrated! lol I'm still weighing myself on Sat for my weekly weight, today was just so that I could have documentation that I showed up. Maybe under 210 by Sat? Hmmmm....

Well, I'm going to bed, I need a nap before I go to work and I want to get u p in time for a short workout before I have to leave at 2pm.

Have a great weekend, all!

-Bethany

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One Day At A Time

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 00:07:22

First of all, I'm re-arranging my blog and my goals. It's part of my "house cleaning." I've decided to re-evaluate my life and my goals, and here's as good a place to start as any! lol I changed my goal weight, too. I started WW at 228, my 10% goal is 206, so that's my first goal. Once I reach that short-term goal, I'll change to my next goal. I suppose that I feel more accomplished if I'm hitting more than one high and lofty goal, so I'm setting small goals in an effort to get to the big one. And then there's the rest....

I don't even know where to begin. The state of my marriage is a mystery to me. As I said, DH moved back in after being MIA for over a week. Then he moved back in, the house was ice cold. Then Sunday, I see the first real sign that he actually wants to work to save our marriage. We talked, well...we did more than talk..and I thought I could finally breathe, things maybe were going to be okay. Then Monday comes...he's withdrawn again and we go back to not speaking, he's still in the guest room. ARRRRGH! I'm SOOOO frustrated. Of course, everyone is wondering why I haven't filed for divorce already. I don't know how to explain to people that this IS my marriage and it hasn't been all bad. We were in love and something went terribly wrong. We stopped being friends and spending time together. We worked too much, stressed too much, began fighting. I'm tired, he's tired, my dad's sick, both of his parents are sick. The difference is, I live 10 minutes from my parents, he lives 10,000 miles from his. He's homesick. It all piled on him, and me, we forgot our marriage. I'm hurt, but trying not to be extremely hard on him, eventhough he has said some awful things that I'm not certain I will soon forget. But I DO want to save my marriage if there's anything left to save. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like we are now, I can't stand this much longer. I'm laying low while the dust settles and I while I want to do all in my power to save my marriage, I do love my husband, I have made my peace with whatever happens and I am NOT going to save my marriage at the cost of losing myself and seeing me do 100% and him do nothing. I'm certain of that. I've been down that road once, I won't do it again. I just wish he'd stop sending me such mixed signals. Are we going to work on this together or not?!?! I just wish I could get into his head and know what's going on inside of that brain of his. Frustrating.

Meanwhile, I've continued couseling, although I cancelled today. It was my only full day off, I wanted to sleep in and didn't feel like talking about my feelings, I just wanted to stay home. I'll go to my next appointment, but not this week. Instead, I slept, then I caught up on my shows that I had DVR'd and after that, my friend and I walked 4 miles at the park. Now I'm back to being lazy. Tomorrow is back to work.

After the initial shock of the sudden break-up of my marriage, I am gradually moving back to 'normalcy,' whatever that is. In keeping with my vow to lay low while the dust settles, I've taken a lot of my focus off of the state of my marriage...that sounds counter-productive, i know, but for the first time in ages, I'm focusing on me and what I want. I need to find that out so that I can know where I want to move in the relationship department, too. I am blessed because I have tons of supportive friends and family and I've been enjoying going out with my friends and having "girls nights out" and meeting my friends to go walking and support each other in our fitness and weightloss goals while we solve the problems of our lives and the world at the same time. In the end, I can't make anyone happy if I am miserable and I've been miserable, I have been working insane hours and going to school and I forgot to take time out to have fun and be with friends. We all need girl's nights out. I've probably taken a few too many of them lately, but I'm making up for lost time! lol It showed on the scales last WI, I had only dropped 0.4 pounds, but since I had been exercising again, I must have counter-acted the partying. lol

While I'm unhappy about the state of my marriage and I'm back on my wellbutrin, I am generally feeling much better, as odd as that may sound. I'm eating better, exercising, getting out more, and finding "me" again. And if my husband would like to find me again, he knows where to look, but I'm not stopping my life while he makes up his mind. I'm here for him, no matter what happens, I'll always be his friend, I think he knows that, but I also think that he needs to figure himself out and what his goals are, too. Maybe we can talk then. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard, so I distract myself from the matter so that it doesn't eat me alive instead.

SO, this week, I've stuck closer to my plan with only a couple of detours (thank God for flex points, I've used them all!), and I've been keeping my fitness goals, too. I've worked out daily except for yesterday. Which also happened to be my detour day. I'm weighing in on tomorrow unless my "detour" is making me pay, then I'm waiting until Saturday, my normal weigh day. But I'm hoping the scale shows a drop tomorrow, because I won't be home from work until 4 am on Sat am, and I am afraid that I won't wake up in time to make WI this week, and since WW charges you even if you don't WI, and my insurance will not reimburse me if I miss a WI, I need to go to one or the other, no matter what the scale says. Maybe I'll go Thurs no matter what. I'll see how the morning goes. My whole life is about one-day-at-a time right now.

SOOOOO...that's the long version of where I'm at. The short version is that for once, things are going to be a little bit about me, too. It's the only way I'm going to win this weight battle and maintain my mental health. :-)

Hope everyone is having a great week so far! I miss being active on here!

Lots of love,

-Bethany

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