I made the Sinner List!
Well, if I'm looking for good news, I cheated multiple times this week, didn't work out, and I lost 3.4 pounds at WI! YEAH! I don't know HOW I did it, but I'll take good news any way I can right now. :-) I've have a "blah" week.
It's been cold and rainy and dreary weather-wise, I didn't work out b/c TOM wiped out my energy (and stress) and I didn't get out w/friends & family as usual, so it was a great week for self-pity and giving in to temptations.
Sunday was Mother's Day. I went to my parent's church to be w/my mom and I opened up the church bulletin and under the prayer requests, there's a request to pray for ME because I was going through a lot of problems and needed saved! OMG! I could have crawled under the pew! Here I am in a church where people barely know me b/c I don't go to my parents' church and I see my name on the sinner list! ARRRGH! My parents told me that they had actually said that I was going through a lot of struggles and needed God's help, not saving, and that the lady who does the prayer requests got it wrong, but none the less, it's a small church and it made for a very uncomfortable Sunday morning with everyone thinking that I was the prodigal daughter of the Rev. Crabtree, church elder, and his saintly wife, the piano player. Then we had dinner at the Buxton Inn in Granville. A beautiful historic Inn with great food and atmosphere. Except that it happens to be where DH and I were married and we were seated at the table where we dined alone on our wedding night. It took a lot for me to put that in the back of my mind and not ruin mother's day any more than I had after being indignant over making the sinner list. But it did set my mood for the rest of the week, I think.
On the marriage front, I don't know what's going on there. He's distant and cold. We hardly talk. I'm losing my ability to care. It's not good right now. At least the small amount of time that we have interacted this week has been civil and no knock-down-drag-out fights like last week. I haven't been to counseling in a couple of weeks...I go this Wed again. I think I need to go, my head is getting all messed up and I need the objectivity. My friends and family are invested in my best interest and they just want me to be done with my husband so that I can move on and be happy. I want to be happy, but I want to be married and I'm not certain that DH and I can put happy and married in the same sentence when talking about the 2 of us. He's said so many hurtful things lately that I'm not certain that I can get over all of that and pretend they were never said and that he never ran out on me when I needed him most.
As far as dad goes, he had a PET scan to grade the tumor and check for metastasis, but we still haven't gotten final results or a surgery date yet. I'm just praying that the lump on his neck isn't metastatic and that it is a benign tumor. And more importantly, I am praying that he has a smooth, simple surgery sans complications. He's had such a rough few months and I just want him to be able to catch a break and have some time to feel healthy and better. I'm trying awfully hard not to let my depression get in the way of my ability to be there for my parents and be strong for them.
I hate that my depression has returned just when I thought I had gotten over it. Rearing its ugly head and trying to defeat me. I just want to feel normal, no like this sad, self-pitying little person. The doctor increased my Wellbutrin to the max dose now. Of course, I'm hoping that it helps w/my weightloss and depression, too. lol I am concerned because I'm going to try to go back to school for summer quarter and I am worried about the juggling act that I'm about to take on by adding this stress. The worst of it is that i'm worried that I'm going to fall back into my old eating hab
its and stop being active again. I've been eating right and exercising with the exception of this week and I don't want to give that up. Lord give me strength!
SO, please keep my father in your prayers. I'm so worried about him and I just want him to be okay. And pray that I am able to make the right decision about my marriage. And pray that I can not give into the demon chocolate who offers to solve my problems but all he does is add pounds and inches!
I am starting to pull out of my mully-grubs, so i'm hoping that I'll be back to a work-out routine and on plan soon. I would love to hit my 10% by next WI!
Well, I'm going to go to bed. Have a great weekend, all! I'm hoping that I can soon start having some happier news to start reporting!
Love,
Bethany