One Day At A Time
First of all, I'm re-arranging my blog and my goals. It's part of my "house cleaning." I've decided to re-evaluate my life and my goals, and here's as good a place to start as any! lol I changed my goal weight, too. I started WW at 228, my 10% goal is 206, so that's my first goal. Once I reach that short-term goal, I'll change to my next goal. I suppose that I feel more accomplished if I'm hitting more than one high and lofty goal, so I'm setting small goals in an effort to get to the big one. And then there's the rest....
I don't even know where to begin. The state of my marriage is a mystery to me. As I said, DH moved back in after being MIA for over a week. Then he moved back in, the house was ice cold. Then Sunday, I see the first real sign that he actually wants to work to save our marriage. We talked, well...we did more than talk..and I thought I could finally breathe, things maybe were going to be okay. Then Monday comes...he's withdrawn again and we go back to not speaking, he's still in the guest room. ARRRRGH! I'm SOOOO frustrated. Of course, everyone is wondering why I haven't filed for divorce already. I don't know how to explain to people that this IS my marriage and it hasn't been all bad. We were in love and something went terribly wrong. We stopped being friends and spending time together. We worked too much, stressed too much, began fighting. I'm tired, he's tired, my dad's sick, both of his parents are sick. The difference is, I live 10 minutes from my parents, he lives 10,000 miles from his. He's homesick. It all piled on him, and me, we forgot our marriage. I'm hurt, but trying not to be extremely hard on him, eventhough he has said some awful things that I'm not certain I will soon forget. But I DO want to save my marriage if there's anything left to save. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like we are now, I can't stand this much longer. I'm laying low while the dust settles and I while I want to do all in my power to save my marriage, I do love my husband, I have made my peace with whatever happens and I am NOT going to save my marriage at the cost of losing myself and seeing me do 100% and him do nothing. I'm certain of that. I've been down that road once, I won't do it again. I just wish he'd stop sending me such mixed signals. Are we going to work on this together or not?!?! I just wish I could get into his head and know what's going on inside of that brain of his. Frustrating.
Meanwhile, I've continued couseling, although I cancelled today. It was my only full day off, I wanted to sleep in and didn't feel like talking about my feelings, I just wanted to stay home. I'll go to my next appointment, but not this week. Instead, I slept, then I caught up on my shows that I had DVR'd and after that, my friend and I walked 4 miles at the park. Now I'm back to being lazy. Tomorrow is back to work.
After the initial shock of the sudden break-up of my marriage, I am gradually moving back to 'normalcy,' whatever that is. In keeping with my vow to lay low while the dust settles, I've taken a lot of my focus off of the state of my marriage...that sounds counter-productive, i know, but for the first time in ages, I'm focusing on me and what I want. I need to find that out so that I can know where I want to move in the relationship department, too. I am blessed because I have tons of supportive friends and family and I've been enjoying going out with my friends and having "girls nights out" and meeting my friends to go walking and support each other in our fitness and weightloss goals while we solve the problems of our lives and the world at the same time. In the end, I can't make anyone happy if I am miserable and I've been miserable, I have been working insane hours and going to school and I forgot to take time out to have fun and be with friends. We all need girl's nights out. I've probably taken a few too many of them lately, but I'm making up for lost time! lol It showed on the scales last WI, I had only dropped 0.4 pounds, but since I had been exercising again, I must have counter-acted the partying. lol
While I'm unhappy about the state of my marriage and I'm back on my wellbutrin, I am generally feeling much better, as odd as that may sound. I'm eating better, exercising, getting out more, and finding "me" again. And if my husband would like to find me again, he knows where to look, but I'm not stopping my life while he makes up his mind. I'm here for him, no matter what happens, I'll always be his friend, I think he knows that, but I also think that he needs to figure himself out and what his goals are, too. Maybe we can talk then. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard, so I distract myself from the matter so that it doesn't eat me alive instead.
SO, this week, I've stuck closer to my plan with only a couple of detours (thank God for flex points, I've used them all!), and I've been keeping my fitness goals, too. I've worked out daily except for yesterday. Which also happened to be my detour day. I'm weighing in on tomorrow unless my "detour" is making me pay, then I'm waiting until Saturday, my normal weigh day. But I'm hoping the scale shows a drop tomorrow, because I won't be home from work until 4 am on Sat am, and I am afraid that I won't wake up in time to make WI this week, and since WW charges you even if you don't WI, and my insurance will not reimburse me if I miss a WI, I need to go to one or the other, no matter what the scale says. Maybe I'll go Thurs no matter what. I'll see how the morning goes. My whole life is about one-day-at-a time right now.
SOOOOO...that's the long version of where I'm at. The short version is that for once, things are going to be a little bit about me, too. It's the only way I'm going to win this weight battle and maintain my mental health. :-)
Hope everyone is having a great week so far! I miss being active on here!
Lots of love,
-Bethany
I feel bad, but its got to go soon. 