Transitions...
Well, I have given up relaxing when I have a lull in my life because there's always something waiting around the corner to come and take it's place, hence the reason I haven't been on in a while and I'm just now getting into the "getting up and dusting myself off" phase of the drama.
The Cliff's notes version is this: Spring Quarter started and we finally got around to doing our taxes after Dad had started to show that he was improving and becoming more independent...enter next drama. We owe $7500 in taxes to the IRS and State ($5g to IRS, $2.5 g to State). SO, I that pretty much means that I had to drop out of school Spring Quarter to work OT in order to pay the IRS what they feel that they are owed. UGH! That was April 8th, April 9th was my dad's birthday and per my usual, I was at my dad's helping him out and getting ready for my dad's b-day that evening. While I was gone, my DH comes home in the middle of the day unannounced while I was gone, packed his bags, and left. He waits until my dad's birthday party to call me and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and when I get home, I'll find him gone. Coward couldn't even tell me to my face and I was pretty much blind-sided. While we have had our issues, we were, at least I thought, happy in general and I really didn't see him packing his bags in the middle of the day and sneaking out behind my back! SO...he was gone a full week, we talked on the phone a couple of times, mostly arguments. I couldn't hold it together at work and got sent home twice and wound up in counseling, back on anti-depressants, and xanax for panic attacks, a phenomenon that I experienced for the first time in my life after he left. The week sucked, needless to say. Just when you need your husband the most b/c your dad's sick, you owe the IRS a ton of money and you have to drop out of school because of money issues and what does he do? Wait until I'm down and kick me in the teeth!
Fast-forward to Thurs of last week, the first day I felt like I could function w/out being heavily medicated and he calls me that morning out of the blue and wants to meet to "talk." So contrary to my gut reaction to say "no." I met him for dinner that night. We fought, then talked, and agreed that he would move back in, but to the guest room until we got things sorted out. Well....let me say that when he left, I would have done anything to get him back b/c I loved him so much. Now that he's back, I'm not so sure that's what i want b/c pretty much any trust that I had in him was completely destroyed in one day when he walked out that door behind my back and then called to say he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I'm really just feeling stupid and used now. Also, add to that we are supposed to be "working things out," but we don't talk to each other, are rarely in the same room together and when we are, it's ice cold and when I suggested marriage counseling, I might as well have asked him to cut out his spleen. So we are currently tip-toeing around the proverbial big dead elephant and spinning our wheels for over a week now. Our house is NOT a pleasant place to be. I've been working and going out with friends in order to avoid it and true to his form, he's just working, which is what he always does anyway. He works 16 hours, 7 days a week, and the little bit of time he is home, he's on the computer, watching tv, or talking on the phone. Even when we have gone out to dinner, he talks on his phone or watches the tv in the restaurant and acts as if I'm not even there. I'm beginning to think that his main purpose for moving back in had nothing to do with working things out, but more so to ease his conscience about leaving the way he did and so he could say "I tried and it failed." Furthermore, he's been throwing little verbal barbs at me here and there and I'm wondering if he's just trying to throw me over the edge so that it will be me that pronounces the marriage dead instead of him. It just may be working, too.
So what am I doing? Well, since I haven't been eating d/t stress, I've lost 15 pounds. I'm coping, I haven't been panicking, so I'm not taking the Xanax, I'm still on the Wellbutrin and I'm seeing a counselor so that I can at least figure out things for myself. The good thing is that I have tons of friends and family for support and I've just been keeping myself busy to take my mind off of the things that are driving me crazy. I'm going to try to go back to school this summer b/c I need my Pharm class of I will be set back an entire year for graduation, at least the class I dropped is not a pre-req for my clinicals. I'm also teaching clinicals and I'm loving it, I have a great group of students and it makes for a fun work day. As far as the marriage goes, unless I see significant improvement, or at least some move to make things right again from his side as well as mine, I don't see it lasting, to tell the truth. He drove a stake through the heart of it when he did what he did and now he's showing no effort to try to resolve the matter, whatever the matter may be, with me. I am determined that this is not gonig to be 100% me and Zero on his part. I wasted 6 years of my life on marriage 1 doing that, I won't do it again. He won't say "I love you" or "I'm sorry for what I did." He thinks it's all me, all my fault and whatever he did, it's because I'm a bad wife that he did it. He even went so far to say that it was my fault that my first husband "left me." Well, I left him, first off, and he was abusive. That was another blow to my initiative to try to resolve things. I'm just worn out w/him and the marriage right now. If he had been a BF, I would have never let him back in, I only did it b/c he's my husband and it's my marriage. Perhaps doing it was a good thing b/c I can see things for what they are much more clearly now and see things as they are. It's not what I'd like, the story-book ending w/my handsome prince, but maybe what he did is doing a favor for me. Better to find out now than when I'm old and washed up, I suppose.
So, for now I'm concentrating on paying the IRS, losing this weight and getting back into shape, getting back into school, and making it through one-day-at-a-time. Whatever happens, I just want it to be the best decision and have no regrets. I don't hate him, I still love him, but I have little trust in him. He still won't tell me where he was that week, which makes me wonder about that, too. We'll see. I'm laying low until the dust settles and taking it from there. I hope to be able to get back on here more often, too, because this blog is my support group therapy. :-) You all are great and thanks for taking the time to listen to me go on about my crazy life!
Have a healthy and happy week, all! I'll try to catch up as soon as things settle down!
-Bethany