docs tomo

i have the docs tomo and hopefully all will be well.

i am looing forward and trying not to look back and get on with the situation.

i have had a good couple of days though and all does seem to be going well, so i am not going to talk to much about this as its like it is tempting fate.

my husband is really looking forward to prauge we have three nights in august fr my birthday and we have loads of things booked so looking forward to that to.

loving the new car and driving in it and just hope the weather cheers up as we want to go to lego land on monday bank holidays

have a good week end

x

ohh so excited

hi all

just need to say that my lovely husband has book a trip to prauge for my birthday in august i am so looking forward to it and it has given me something to work towards and focus on this means that i want to loose 2 stone by then, i am really hoping.

hop all is good

x

monday morning

well monday is here and i have just looked to see when was the last time that i blogged. it has been ages and i did not realise that i have not been on for so long.

not much has happened in the last couple of days, i have not lost weight this week but i am ok about that i think.

i have brought a new car and i have decorated the bathroom with intentions of going on and doing the living room.

as for the illness if you can call it that, its still there in the for frount of my day and i am having trouble getting rid of it but i am learning to get on and do things which in turn i hope will lift the depression. it has made my skin erupt like there is no tomo and i am covered in a rash which is very sore at the moment but i know that this is to do with being so run down. anyway keep plodding on is what they say.

have a goodf day

annmarie

x

3 pounds lost

yeah did it three pounds lost so pleased with it

x

lazy day today

today has been a lazy one, didnt walk the dog today but we did yesterday and had a lovely walk down the beach with her for over an hour. i have had the odd sweet here and there but i have still stayed in the points range.

as for the depression its very hard to explain that it is still there,i have a good angel and a bad angel on my shoulders and they are both talking at the same tim (not spilt personality honest - have asked the doctor that one lol) they seem to be at a consetnet battle over who is going to be in control of my mood and emotions and i think for a good couple of months then the bad angel has been winning - i dont want people to think that i am using this as a exscuse for the way i have been feeling as i do know that i am the one that is responsible for my own actions and feelings etc but this is just a better way of putting it in to words.

however i do feel that since i have been seeing the doc then the good angel has reered her head on occasions and scared the bad one into thinking that she may not be winning this war for much lomger - as i have said they are few and far between these feelings but the poistive thing is that i am getting them!!!!

going to go and have a hot bath and a good read for a hour before people want feeding so have a good rest of the day

x

tuesday is here and i am still going

well i am still here, slept better yesterday, but then i was expecting to after only getting two hours the night before.

i expect the walk helped and there fore i am going to take the kids and the dog to the park again this afternoon so that i am getting a little more exersise.

i have stayed in the points range the past two days and this is the third so fingers crossed i will get to the 3 pound mark this week.

walk and mood gym

redcurvy suggested that i try a sight called moodgym, its all about cognative behaviour therapy and thinking about things in a diffrent way. i have trained in cbt so i do know how it works, however i can not seem to put this into practice with myself - however i am going to try and complete the modules and give it a go and you never know what might happen.

thanks redcurvy

p.s i did a hours walk with the kids.

x

another day

well monday is here and i havnt much to say yet. still plodding on and still trying.

i am still trying to work out what depression is about and why i can not sem to lift this mood that i am always in. i see little clouds lift for bigger ones to come in and replace them. i lay awake at night and have all these plans that i want to do and then when i wake in the morning they all seem to go with the moon and stars.

i am making myself get there and do the things that i am laying there and thinking about, even if it is just one of the many plans lol.

today is lovely outside, nice and sunny and i am determined to get out there and walk the dog with the kids and do some exersise and tomo i am going swimming with my sister i am going

will update later if, no when i get back from the walk with the kids and dog.

sorry that the blogs have been a bit low for the past couple weeks but i am worried that if i put it in a diary then it may fall in to prying eyes!!!!

x

very pleased with me

i am so pleased about yesterday, i didnt go over my points!!! i even went out with my mum and aunt at night to the pub and told them that i will drive so that i could only have diet coke and not have a reason to have a drink.

and then when i got home i only had a sandwich instead of loads of food, really going for it this week with the 3 pounds and i am going to do it!!!!!

going to drink loads today as i did yesterday and feel ok..

have to wait and see

have a good day

x

one pound lost

well weigh in day is here and again i have had a loss of a pound, i am back at the docs on friday and i want to be three pound down by then so i am really going to give it some wellie this week.

i have had a quite week really, the kids have been off and i have been spending time with my mum, who lives with us and is still off becasue of her stroke. i have not really thought much about weight loss, work or much else really and have just ploded along. what i have thought about is that i need to start to exersise more and get out there and do it. i have decided that when the kids go back to school that i am trying to get to the gym before the day really gets of to a start, i know that this has been said before on the situation but this is something that i am more serious about, not just the gym but i need to look after me to. for the past three days i have made the effort to out make up on and do my hair instead of just tying it back befor i go out even if its just to the shops, and yes i do feel a bit better. dont know how long this will last for but i will try.

you know what i dont really understand this deprssion thing even though i have trained in the field, i can not seem to understand that no matter how hard i try then i can see an end to this mundane and low feeling, i can put on make up and feel better and yes i do feel better but it only mask the real feelings that are happening for me, and when i try and describe what i am feeling i can not seem to put it down in words. its hard to describe it to the doc and sometimes i feel that he feels that i may be putting it on becasue i can not tell him what it is that is bothering me.

there are times that i feel that i am becoming obsessive, like the feeling that there is something wrong with me, the doc assures me after a full medical that this is a sympton of the depression and i know in my mind that this is the case but then somthing takes over and i feel that i am going to get very sick and then end up in a nut house!!! its sounds ludecrious that this is the case and that i am not really going mad but why cant i seem to make my mind see this.

i sometimes feel estatic and then other times i wonder what my life is for, is this making sense to any of you? i even asked my husband today if he was truley happy and if there was anything that i can do to make him happier? we have a good relationship (apart from i have gone right of sex, and have not slept with him for over 4 months) he is really good with me and there is no way he has ever shown that this is a problem and he has explained to me that he knows that i am not welll and this is not an issue for him, but surley it is? i am sure that it would be a problem for me if i could not get intimate with him if it was the other way round.

hey i am just wafferling on now so i am going to sign of and go and spend some time with mum and aunt on a girl afternoon shopping!!!!

speak soon

annmarie

x

p.s sorry if the blogs a bit depressing.

x