Just want to be Thinner!!

How many times do I have to fall?

Saturday, December 4, 2010 23:09:18

I keep falling and trying to get back up again, but falling again days later.. I am getting married August 27th, and need to lose at least 40 lbs of this nasty flab that I have already lost TWICE and put back on TWICE. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I guess the only thing I can do I start fresh again tomorrow.. It is like my mind is controlling my body. I literally think about food 24/7. I work in a kitchen and am surrounded by food all the time. I can't just quit, I make over $20 an hour, this is my retirement lifeline (well in 30 years, LOL).

I am a night time eater, and have no preferences or specific cravings. I will eat stuff I don't even really like if there is nothing else. If there was an overeaters group in my area, I might even consider going, but even when I am eating, or looking for something to eat, I am telling myself that I don't need it and to be strong, but I still eat anyways! WTF?!?

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Back at it again.

Thursday, December 2, 2010 22:07:05

So, I lost a bunch of weight, got pregnant, gained 100 lbs, delivered an 11 lb baby naturally, then lost a bunch of weight, and gained it back again.

Time to get off this roller coaster! I just got engaged to my boyfriend of the last 14 years, and we are getting married August 6th. Not exactly the extended time line that I was hoping for to plan a wedding and to lose weight, but I will do what I have to do. 60 lbs to lose before August 6th. I have lost 15 lbs this month already, if I stay on the same weight loss path, I can do it. Just need to stay motivated.

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Try try again...

Monday, December 7, 2009 23:00:03

Well, I have been having a horrible couple of weeks diet wise. I completely went out of control, eating large bags of chips every night, and eating pretty much whatever I wanted the rest of the time too. I am not weighing myself til the end of the month, I know I will be so upset if I weigh myself now, because I know I have had to have gained at least 15 lbs from all the eating and snacking I have been doing, with lots of crackers and breads consumed too. Today is the first day back to normal with the exception that I started drinking soda pop again (diet) because I have a sinus infection and the carbonation really seems to help break up the mucus.

Ok, so here I go again (on my own, boom boom boom boom, lol). I guess the only thing I can do is to just pick myself up and keep going. I have a wedding to go to on October 10th, and I want to be at 175 lbs by then, so probably around 20 lbs from where I am at now (I will know when I actually weigh myself).

Wish me luck Losers (I mean that in the good way!).

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A week later..

Sunday, December 6, 2009 22:05:01

Well, I went off my diet for about a week, and the last time I checked, I was up about 6 lbs, but that was days ago, so god only knows what I am at now. Today is my first day back on track, so I think I will weight until next Saturday to weigh myself. I am fitting nicely into a 14, but prefer to wear a 16, cause I am a baggy jeans wearing kind of girl. My shirts are still large, sometimes extra large, because I am very wide in the shoulders (thanks Moms side for the football players shoulders). It is even hard to find a jacket because I am also long armed.

I went shopping for a bathing suit. I swear I would rather scratch my own eyes out than have to go to the beach.. I am so lumpy bumpy every where. And I am almost 6 feet tall so nothing is long enough or has a long enough torso. I HATE bathing suit shopping. And I found a couple that I liked, but I am not paying over one hundred dollars for a bathing suit when I have 2 kids to take care of!

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Heat Wave!!

Monday, December 7, 2009 00:08:16

Well today is super HOT just like yesterday and the day before, but I have to say that I LOVE the heat for my walks. Tuesday I walked 5 miles, Wednesday 5.9 miles, today 6.2 miles. It is 43 with the humidex, so I come home absolutely drenched. I actually killed my new MP3 player from getting sweat in it, I have to return it today. My yoga top is soaked from the neck down, and my bike shorts look like I peed myself and it went up my bum crack. And it is funny because before I started this weight loss journey, if I started sweating, that was my cue to get out of the sun and get inside with the A/C. So lazy I know, but now I am like "WooHoo, thermo genesis!!"

My weight loss has returned. I had bought one of those "detox" kits, where you take X number of pills every day for 15 days. The screwed up my bowel movements and made me gain 2 pounds! So I stopped taking them, bowels are back to normal and have lost the 2 pounds, plus 2 more!! I have added an Iron supplement to my morning multi vitamin and garlic pill regime. I don't eat red meat or really many veggies that are high in Iron, and I bruise sooo easily, so I hope that the bruising will subside. And I now eat a yogurt after walking (65 calories, no fat, sweetened with sucralose) instead of a Nutrigrain Sweet and Salty Granola Bar (160 calories and 5 grams of fat I think). I love the salty bar, but maybe the salt was holding me down too.

I bought a cute pair of striped capri pants a few months ago, and put them on yesterday to wear over to a friends house...and they FELL OFF!!! It made me giggle hysterically. It is amazing the changes that we can't see in ourselves sometimes. I didn't realize that my body had changed that much in the last couple of months.

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why?

Monday, December 7, 2009 00:04:14

Can't understand why I am not losing weight?!? I am eating properly and exercising, so I don't know why the numbers aren't budging. The only thing I can think of is that maybe TOM is going to come early.. I wish I could figure it out... Maybe I am doing one of those things where I am losing inches but not pounds right now. It better figure out what it is doing soon, because I will go nuts if the scales down start moving. I was right on track yesterday and the scale was up a pound this morning!

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Shopping

Monday, December 7, 2009 00:03:19

I went shopping for clothes yesterday at Old Navy. I am NOT a clothes shopper. I spent 2 hours trying on clothes. Most of them looked like crap on me (my opinion on some, Tweens opinion on others). But got one pair of jeans and an argyle print polo shirt. This is the first time I have gone into a retail store and bought woman's clothing that fit me. Normally I go to the second hand store (think Value Village) and do my shopping there. So anyways, I was thrilled that there were clothes that fit me here. The jeans are a size 14.. 14....14.....14..... I just like saying it over and over again...lol. The shirt is a Large, but I find that with stretchy clothes I like to go up a size so it isn't so clingy.. I went to value village today. I was weeding a friends garden for her (broken leg) and I am allergic to grass so I was quite itchy and feeling yucky, so I stopped to buy something else to wear. Found Calvin Klein capri pants in a size 16 (baggy and loose fitting the way I like them), for only $4.99!! Snatched them up quickly and love love love them!!! Going to put up a pic of my Old Navy outfit.

Sister in Law promised to come shopping with me the next time she visits because I am fashion impaired.

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Why do we have to Title our Posts?!?

Saturday, December 5, 2009 22:09:19

I hate trying to think of something brilliant to say up there.. Geez, I just want to blog..

I have been thinking and reading other peoples blogs, and all of us have our "slip ups". But have you ever thought about "What if I go back to the way I was before?". I am TERRIFIED of going back to 250 lbs and looking like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. Having more than one chin, my ass not fitting into any pants properly. And not to mention that I gave away or threw out everything that was too big on me, so if I did go back there I would have to be naked all the time because I have nothing left to wear!! I don't ever want to look like the Michelin man again. But what if? What if I lose my somewhat decent self control and gain the 60 something pounds that I have lost right back?!?

Am I the only one who obsesses about it?

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My Birthday!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009 22:05:19

Well, today is my 36th (*gasp**clear throat*) Birthday.... luckily we don't really celebrate birthdays once you are over 30 in my family, so it is just a bunch of calls from everybody to say Happy Birthday. I am still at 189, I have been for a while now. I blame Aunt Flo for it not budging because I have been really good, the only flub was a Blizzard the other day (a small one) as a birthday treat instead of a cake or anything.

As of today, I am 61 lbs lighter than I was at this time last year. People don't recognize me, even friends when they see me, and people have nicknamed me "Skinny" (which drives me NUTS!! I hate it, because I am not skinny!).

In the last year I have dealt with the stillborn birth of my nephew (12 hours before a scheduled c-section), the death of my Great Aunt, my Grandmother, and my sisters Dog, and her new dog having 9 puppies! I quit smoking, started eating better and exercising and broke my toe. My Mother graduated from college and I got to be there and cried. So much stuff that I wish never happened and stuff that I will never forget and I am so grateful that I got to witness.

I hope the next year is much happier for my family and that when my Tween graduates from Public School next June I can hopefully be at my goal weight so I can be the prettiest Mom at the graduation!!

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Arghhh....

Saturday, December 5, 2009 22:03:14

Feel soooo yucky right now... Aunt Flo came yesterday with horrible intentions as usual.. every since I had Toddler, my period has been absolutely horrible for the first couple of days. Like have to change product every hour or so and I take 2 extra strength Ibuprofen every 4 hours to reduce the flow, but this month it isn't helping much. And I never had cramps until after she was born either. Menopause will be like a vacation compared to what I go through now, lol.

No weigh changes for a couple of days now. I suspect that it is because of my cycle, although that doesn't usually affect it much. I have been doing well since my epic muffin failure. I had 3 chocolate covered peanuts and a piece of Rolo last night, I sucked each one of them slowly, savoring the flavors.. Yummy, heavenly chocolate..

I think that I would like to get under 180 by the 1st of August. That is eight pounds in 1 month. I don't know if it is possible anymore. My weight loss was soo fast in the beginning, and now it is a slow crawl, and sometimes it is crawling backwards, sideways and possibly upside down.. I used to love stepping on the scale and seeing that I had lost 2 lbs in one day, 6 or 7 lbs a week was easy for the first couple of months. Now I am lucky if I can get 2 lbs a week. I started walking last week. I walked 14.5 miles last week, but I didn't walk yesterday because I needed a day off for my legs, and today I am not walking because I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to get the whole 5 miles in without being covered in blood! (I know TMI, but it is true). Hopefully my period will calm itself down and I can get my 5 miles in tomorrow and Friday. Hubby is going away Saturday morning, so I can't leave the kids on Sat. and we are going to Alliston (2 1/2 hours away) on Sunday, so probably no walking then either because we will be leaving early.

Friday is my 36th birthday. It will also mark the longest I have ever stayed with a "lifestyle change". Now, I don't drink, smoke, drink soda, do drugs. I keep telling everyone that I am the most boring person on earth, lol. My 35th birthday, I was 250 lbs.

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