Toxic Co-Workers

Well, twice in one week I have almost quit my job... twice the toxic co-worker from he!! has driven me to that point.... And I have a real problem with any work situation that causes me to take "stuff" home with me and makes it affect my relationship with my family.  I went home in such a bad mood yesterday.  I tried to leave it at work, but I just couldn't get past it, no matter how hard I tried.  My daughter (13 yr old) actually told me that she hates me working where I am because I am in such a bad mood when I come home lately.

This position I have now is a lateral move position that I took in March.  I LOVED where I was, but I was thinking of advancement when I agreed to the move.  I am 2nd in line for a management position where I am now (same pay as where I was, only there I was 6th in line).  So NOW, I am thinking that I was an IDIOT to take it. 

The boss knows the situation, and says that he has my back, but I don't know what is going to be done. 

Ok, anyway.... workouts have been suffering a little this week.  I haven't taken any unscheduled rest days, but I also haven't been doing full intensity.  Yesterday was Total Muscle Shaping with the lovely Stephanie Huckabee... and today will be.... something.  Not sure yet.  It's supposed to be FIRM Cardio, but I am NOT a big fan of that workout, so I usually substitute for it.  I may do it anyway... who knows.  I am also supposed to run tonight, but that may be put off until tomorrow since the kids are testing for their orange belts at karate tonight.

I should get back to work now. 

Oh dear

It's horrible when someone's making your life miserable. I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

Here's a passage from my beloved Melody Beattie:

"People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, not us.

"People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or their misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

"If people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.

"What people choose to say and do is their business.

"What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled and manipulated, deceived or mistreated is our business.

"In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours."

This may at first seem a very simplistic message, but it's actually about boundaries, detachment and personal responsibility. One reason we get so frustrated by toxic people is that we end up asking ourselves why they are doing these things. Why won't they behave themselves and make everyone else's life easier? What do they get out of being such jerks? As you continue to take this person's problems onto yourself, you might even start asking, Why is he treating me this way? What have I done to deserve this? Why can't he see that he is being unfair?

When you let him (or her) get to you like this, you are taking ownership of his problems. You are shouldering personal responsibility for his choices. This is when you must detach. Step back. What he thinks and believes, that's not your concern. What he says, even, is not your problem. How you allow it to affect you, now that's your concern. It is entirely appropriate to stand up for yourself, set boundaries with this person, and take whatever steps are necessary to take care of yourself, even if that means filing a formal grievance against this person. But letting it get to you, letting it affect your home life, letting it worry you and upset you, this is taking ownership of the other person's concerns. It doesn't matter why he's doing whatever he's doing. The question is never "Why is he doing this to me?" The question must always be "Why am I letting him do this to me?"

Stand up for yourself. Your boss "having your back" is not enough.

THANK YOU

I will post to your blog as well, but I just wanted to say thank you, Carla.  You are such an encouragement to me.  And you are absolutely right. 

Thank you!!

You're welcome!

It's easier to see from the outside. I have my own toxic co-worker that I'm sure I'll be moaning about in future. It's a personality clash rather than a power or office thing, though, as we are equivalents and she cannot dominate me on that front. We just don't like each other! Remind me of all this wisdom when that time rolls around again!

Go Tawa Go Tawa!

Becki, I'm sure it's tough that you have to deal with that each day.  But Carla is dead on with what she said.  It is difficult not to ask yourself why is he doing this to ME?  And his behavior has nothing to do with you.  Some people are just jerks and annoying, but you can never (easier said than done I know) take it personally.

My coworkers here can't understand how i'm so calm about certain behaviors that go on in the office.  Mainly because of this book and that it's taught me to not take it personal or try to fix them.  Unless, I know i'm the cause of their behavior, then I don't bask in it.  Now granted, I have my days when they bark and I take it in, but I release it with another coworker or I'll call dh.

big hugs to you and i hope it gets better real soon.

work blues

Hello there!  I like the firm also.  I also hate co-worker crap.  It IS hard not to take it home.  My therapist says the people pleasers of the world are the ones taking home all the guilt.  The guilty people are oblivious.  There must be somewhere in between right?