| Height: | 162.6cm |
| Start weight: | 240.00lb |
| Current weight: | 258.80lb |
| Goal weight: | 130.00lb |
| Lost to date: | -18.80lb |
| Remaining: | 128.80lb |
| 25 |
| May '12 |
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Ate:
1 Special K 90 calorie ceral bar
1/2 tuna salad from subway with light ranch
1 chocolate chip cookie
1 orange
13 (1 serving) quaker mini rice cake snack thingies (caramel)
4 pierogis(?) sauteed with too much butter!
1 del monte fruit chillers polar raspberry cup
Worked out:
30 minutes on the elliptical.
breakfast: special K 90 calorie cereal bar (chocolate chip)
lunch: half of a salad with fried chicken in it. lettuce, carrots, tomatoes. lite ranch dressing.
glass of milk.
snack: 13 quaker caramel rice cake treat thingies
dinner: mini jersey mike's sub - turkey, mayo, tomato, lettuce, wheat bread.
snack: 2 chocolate chip cookies.
WORKOUT:
5 minutes- stair stepper
1/2 mile walked on track
1.19 miles walking/jogging on treadmill in 20 minutes
Today I worked out 30 minutes on the elliptical and ate:
Turkey sandwich
I just want to scream. I am bitter. I am angry. I am sick of how this world operates. I am tired of how things work, or better yet, don't work out. I am tired. I am sick and tired. I hate things. And I'm 21.
I'm 21.
I'M 21 AND I'M SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING.
I feel like I have no one. Not for anything specific, but just to have someone there, you know? Granted. I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing hard right now. But. I still feel this way. I feel like even my friends its an effort for them to hang out with me.
I have totally pulled away from everyone and I can't be bothered to keep in touch at this point because it all seems like let downs. I just don't care anymore. I'm in my bubble of bitterness and hate all day long. I've been staying up til about 5am and sleeping until about 2 or 3pm because I dont have to DEAL with people for that long during the day then. And my online friends I can just sign out and I dont have to deal with them when they piss me off.
I'm so tired of not being worth peoples times. I blame it on my weight. Probably 90% of it on that. And I don't think that's fair. I mean, I don't really... go out and do anything either... so it's not like I'm going to meet people in my room.. But I'm embarrassed.I'm ashamed of myself. And. Every time I try to get my shit to-fucking-gether, I can't do it. It last a week or two then it's done. I love motivation.
So I'm stuck in this cycle of no motivation which means I can't make myself lose weight, which means I dont want to go out and do anything especially new things or things with a lot of people, which makes me upset and have no motivation to do anything. Rinse. Repeat.
I'm also tired of myself. I mean, I take people back into my life and forgive people way too easily. All it takes is that person showing that they're hurting a bit or something and I start compromising myself for them. I hate that. I should be stronger, but I hate hurting people.
Even when I know he's a manipulative bastard.
I just can't do it. I'm not stronger. I'm not in control of myself.
I'm so desperate to be loved that I take and put up with the abuse.
I just feel so alone... and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix this.
I retreat to online communities. I don't have to DEAL with anyone there. I can be myself. Or, be whoever I want to be. They'll never know.
And I feel myself starting to crave sex again as the filler. Which.. I don't know because I'm so fucking disgusted with my fat floppy body that I dont think I could actually have sex with anyone and enjoy it at this point. I'll just keep fucking myself every night and pretending someone's with me/doing it. Its just ridiculous. I can't believe this.
And school. UGH school. Classes start the like, 24th of Aug, I think. and I'm dreading it. I hate school. I HATE it. I dont even know how to break it down. I hate everything about it. I like having my apartment but megan's transferred to Central now and wont be living with me, and our other roommate is just... to herself. she's odd. and her boyfriend i think is living w/ us. so we might have a random ass new roommate. Which, i'll give, could be amazing, but i don't tend to have luck like that... i'm hoping we dont get a new roommate at all. I just need shit to turn around for me. I've done a pretty damn good job this summer given my mental condition (read above) about not letting the small stuff get to me. I feel I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but also so fucking angry and bitter and sad, more than I've ever been at the same time. How the fuck does that work.
I'm not even graduating in 4 years. I'm on the 4.5 year plan now IF and that's a big IF my classes that i still need are offered when I need them. I've got a year and a half left. 3 semesters left. I can do this... I mean, I have to. But i'm not even graduating with a degree that will fucking get me anywhere. I'm going to HAVE to go back to graduate school. And I dont even want to start to think about that. I hate this. I hate where my life is going. I hate how things are. I need a change. I need something new. Something exciting. Someeething to look forward to. Ugh. I need to lose weight and get my self esteem under control. Fuck. This sucks.
so it's the summer and my best friend lindsay is back from canada for the summer and we're working out and getting into shape this summer.
My start weight for this was 238.6.
Wednesday was the end of the 2nd week and I weighed in at 235.4
So, I lost 3.2 pounds in 2 weeks.
I'm not thrilled with that result, but i'll take it. I'm not surprised either. I haven't been working on my eating, just making sure I do some activity everyday.
We usually walk and try to jog a little.
She's in much better shape than I am which is probably better. She pushes me without even saying anything.
I'm starting to BARELY notice a little improvement in stamina. Lindsay says she noticed I can jog a little more and want to more often than when we first started.
Which is good.
My goal is to be able to comfortably jog by the end of the summer.
My weight goal is 205-210 by the end of the summer, it just all depends on if I can get a handle on my eating habits.
I figure at least I'm doing SOMETHING.
I am sick as shitttttt. Have been for 3 days. Vomitting. The other end too... oh it's badddd.
I hope I feel better tomorrow!
