Had my WI this morning and I'm only down .3. However, I was pretty convinced I was going to gain this week. I was naughty this week. I let myself fall into a not so healthy mindset, as well. Thursday night I convinced myself that I was going to gain for sure, so Friday turned into somewhat of a free for all. "Well, I'm going to gain anyways, so I might as well..." I wasn't awful, but I can't let myself think like that.
I did have a lot of wins this week. For instance... Last weekend I said no to the apple crisp and ice cream. I did not have any of the donuts in the staff lounge. We had an ice cream party in our classroom yesterday and although I did have some, I did not have a an extra large serving and I counted it as a milk serving. Last night I ordered a sandwich and got the veggies instead of the fries. I left half of the sandwich on my plate.
I am going to set some goals for myself for the month of June. I am taking a few weeks off before I look for another job so I will have lots of time to accomplish these goals... -Lose 8 lbs. (should be easy as I actually have 5 WI's this month.) That will put me at 25 lbs down which is a very significant landmark. -Incorporate swimming into my exercise routine. This will be great for my back. -Get back on track with my journaling/planning my menu
I find myself slowly, but surely, slipping off track. It usually happens with just a sampling of something I'm not supposed to have. Then it's a whole meal, which I justify by, "oh, it's a holiday." Pretty soon I'm eating the chocolate chips straight out of the bag.
It has to stop. My last couple weigh in's have been so-so. -1.7 and -1.3 respectively. I would like to get that up to the 2lb per week mark. I'm averaging less than I would like (17 lbs in about 2.5/months.) which tells me that I really need to get serious.
My back is starting to bother me again. I am going to take my workouts very easy for the next few weeks and also talk to my consultant about dropping down to a lower calorie meal plan to compensate. I am getting frustrated with my back because it is really prohibiting me in achieving the short term goals I set up. I haven't seen my horse in almost a month and we were supposed to go to our first show this week. I am dissapointed to say the least. I need some good horse therapy so tomorrow I am going to go out and just groom him and spend time with him. That should help clear my head.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will stay on plan. I can do this!
Wow, I spent ENTIRELY too much money on makeup last night. Thats okay though- I deserve it. And plus, I look beeaauuuttiful now. She did a great job.
Last night I went out with some friends. Somehow we ended up at a frat boy bar. My tattooed pierced self didn't exactly fit in but I made the best of it. I over indulged a bit and got a little off track. I cut out some calories today so I think I'm coming out on top. Today I am working on rehydrating myself
My friend and I made some plans to do some hiking once a week over the summer. My family is taking a trip out to Colorado this summer to visit my sister and my siblings always go hiking. I've always wanted to go, but was never in good enough shape. One of my goals is to be able to at least go on one of the easier ones they go (Don't think I'm quite ready for Pikes Peak!). I can do it!
Had my WI in this morning. I'm down 1.7! yay! That makes for a total of 15.5 lbs. I feel like 15 is the first big landmark weight loss. 15 is where you mean business. The next one being 25. And then 50....
To reward myself I made an appointment at Benefit cosmetics to have my makeup done. The girl that is doing it specializes in the rockabilly/1950's look. I'm totally excited. I'm going to splurge and buy myself some nice makeup.
Plan for today is to do another 25 minute walk and start on my back exercises.
Here is my menu for today--
B: silver dollar pancakes, lite syrup, veggie sausage, apple S: caramel light frapp from starbucks (my saturday treat) L: cheesy enchilada w/ spanish rice, salad w/ lite ranch dressing, banana S: saltines with Peanut butter D: fish n chips, asian style veggies, orange S: cookies n cream cheesecake, milk
Last night I packed up all of my winter clothes that I know won't fit next year. I also packed up things that I KNOW are not flattering on me, I only wear them because it fits the "look" that I want. It was a much needed purging of things that I hang onto "in case" I fail at this. Well, I'm NOT going to fail at this. And no use keeping visual reminders around of it. I also scrubbed my bedroom and organized it.
I am feeling great today. It's Friday, it's beautiful out, I've been doing well all week, and my weigh in is tomorrow. I need to be careful though- If I DO happen to slip up I don't want my mood to completely crash. I need to be prepared to move on and not let if effect my day.
I am going to start posting my menu every day as a way to help me stay on track.
B: french toast w/ banana and cinnamon, milk S: yogurt L: southwestern chicken burrito, salad w/ raspberry vinnagrette, apple S: cottage cheese and peaches D: cashew chicken, asian style veggies sauteed in soy sauce, orange S: walnut brownie and milk
I was in Art class with my first grader and decided to take a quick break and run to the bathroom. I come out of the classroom and at the other end of the hallway walking toward me is....cute student teacher. I had the entire hallway to get my nerve up to smile at him and say hi, and just as I'm about to talk myself out of it, he says, "Hi!"
....yep. It was exciting. Unfortunately our paths don't cross much at work. Even though I take every oppurtunity to go over to his side of the building. I'm a total puttz with boys.
Had another awesome dieting day. Not one thing off-plan entered my mouth. yay! Now I just gotta get my 20 minute walk in (Maybe my back can handle 25 minutes today?)
I absoloutely loved it. She expresses a lot of the ideas and values that I have always felt very strongly about. Fat does not mean ugly or stupid. All it means is FAT. There were a lot of negative things posted on this particular forum about how it apologizes and allows obesity. I tried my best to explain how it does nothing of the sort but people who have never had to deal with being fat or "ust a pretty face" don't understand. Ah well. You can't change people, only how you react to them- right?
The last 3 days have been amazing. I've stayed completely on plan and even gotten a little light exercise in. My back is slowly healing and I can't wait to get into a more vigorous (but not TOO vigorous...) exercise routine again.
Today I am feeling very confident and sexy. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's a good feeling.
I want to thank everyone who commented and gave my such great support- I've known that I'm not alone in the struggle to lose weight and be healthy, but it's really motivating to actually hear those voices.
Last week I threw out my back. I've always had a bad back- I have the many horses who have thrown me out of the saddle to thank for that- but haven't always been real proactive in remedying the situation. I was started to step up the intensity of my workouts. I raised my step one more inch, ran a little more on the treadmill, and added heavier weights. I love feeling absolutely exhausted after a workout. It's really the only way I feel like I've accomplished something. Pile on the intense under saddle training I've been doing with Steel and it was just too much for my back to handle. I'm definitely paying the price- last week at my weigh in (despite being awesome about staying on plan.) I only lost .1 due to not being able to exercise. I've added in some light walking this week because I WANT to make that scale move this week.
I need to find a way to take the focus off of food in my life. Some days it seems that the minute I finish a meal I think to myself, "When do I get to eat next?" Part of Jenny Craig program is geared toward developing a healthy relationship with food, and that is DEFINITELY not it. Eat to live, not live to eat, right?
On a completely unrelated note, I MUST find a way to talk to the cute student teacher. There is only 15 more days.
I remember vividly when I reached my lowest point. There I was- alone in the classroom. Raiding the childrens snack cupboard as usual. Everyone was at lunch, so I figured it was a perfect time to grab one of those strawberry short cake rolls. I open it and try to take pieces of it- of course it's a big sticky mess. I have it all over my fingers and I'm trying to casually eat it while I set up.
I look up, right as i am shoving a piece of it into my mouth. And there stands my tall, beautiful, eastern european. I can't even imagine what he must think. He's tall and lean and athletic- everything that I'm not. It's not like I can even hide the fact that I'm trying to stuff it into my mouth before anyone comes back. I'm standing awkwardly in the corner with it all over my fingers. Ugh. I don't think I've ever felt worse about myself than I did at that very moment.
Ok, that's not true. I have felt way worse. But it was pretty bad. See, that previous Saturday I went into sign up at jenny craig. My mom had made the appointment for me earlier in the week, and I knew that I would start on their food right away. So I treated myself to Mcdonalds, pizza, ice cream...eating like I was never going to have those foods again. Because chances are, I'm not. Not for a while, anyways.
I filled out their questionairre about my health and medications. Stupidly, I wrote about the meds I was on for my PCOS. They said they needed Doctors approval before they could start me on their diet. It took 3 weeks before I got the doctors approval. During that time I did everything in my power to make my scale move up, up, and up. My initial weigh in went from 262 to 266. How many people can say they gained 4 lbs their first week on Jenny Craig?
It's a step in the right direction. I will admit, it took a lot for me to swallow my pride and sign up for Jenny Craig. Frankly I still hold some scars about the name- any girl my age who is FAT probably had those two names thrown at them at least once during their childhood. Maybe those 8th grade boys were right, maybe i SHOULD sign up for Jenny Craig. And I did. I'm feeling optomistic about it. My mom is doing it with me. I have to be held accountable for my progress every week. And I want it more than ever. I don't think I have ever been this unhappy or this disgusted with myself. I'm finding that the extra weight is negatively affecting all aspects of my life. I have a hard time keeping up with the kids (and have been told one or two times now..."I can't even fit my arms around you!") I don't have the energy to work my horse, I am afraid to meet guys, and I have no self confidence.
I hope that this journal will help me stay motivated, and keep me on track. I hope one day I can look at this first entry and say, "wow. I'm glad I'm not in that place anymore."
