Vinyasa kicked my butt again, and threw off my meal schedule too. When I got to work I have early meetings, soI didn't get a chance to have breakfast until 11, so I wasn't hungry for lunch . . . I just ate a tomato-basil veggie burger on a whole wheat bagel--the bagel ain't core but it was about all I could scrounge since I missed my chance to run out for lunch. No so bad, I guess.
DH thinks I should go out with my friends w/o him more. This is motivated by the fact that I don't really have many friends that aren't his friends too, and he thinks that's weird and a little unhealthy. He may be right. In any case I think I will go to a St. Patty's Day party on Saturday night, assuming I can get over the fact that I will not know anyone but the hosts. Why am I such a shrinking violet sometimes? I'm always fine once I get there, it's just hard to leave the house some days.
Today I am wearing a skirt that was about 2 inches from zipping when I bought it a few months ago. It's not super comfy, but it zipped and I'm breathing and it looks good. And it'll fit for a lot more pounds/inches lost, as it's really high on my waist right now--which means as that disappears it should come to rest right on my hips since they're the same size! Practically, anyway. I know my butt adds some inches but visually it's all straight up and down.
Also, I need to keep up the yoga because I noticed that my arms look really good. I gain weight all over, but my arms are muscular enough that they don't look too jiggly, just bigger than I'd like. Which means in 20 pounds they'll be ripped!
drama and ToM
I havent' been doing very well on eating OR exercise (though not terrible either) because of drama and ToM. Drama at home with DH (nothing terrible, just takling about stuff we've been putting off discussing till the middle of the night), drama at work with 2 meetings that I didn't get notice of till 10 minutes prior (eek!), and ToM making me very sleepy, irritable, and generally incapable of acting like a productive human being.
I did manage to get a few things done this morning re: doctors. I have not visited a doctor since I moved to California almost two years ago, but it's time. And DH has seen neither a doctor nor a dentist since he was 22--he's 30, folks. It's past time. So I got online and looked up who the heck is designated as our GP and dentist on our plans, requested new insurance cards for DH (somehow he was misdesignated as my SON!), and called to make an appointment for myself with the GP. Didn't get through but since I'm actually pretty phone-phobic it was a big step for me.
I guess I should try again now that meeting is over . . .
Not that it fixes everything, but I went to yoga tonight and it was less crowded than it has been lately, and extremely rewarding. It makes me want to get other stuff on track.
Random fact about my life: It takes me approximately 45 minutes to read the blogs I like to read every day, even if I only comment on a few. I may have to cut back my circle of blog-friends,* or my frequency of posting, or both. Hmmm . . .
* Don't worry, this isn't likely to affect you. If I eliminate people who don't post anymore and stop lurking so much, only reading friends' blogs I actually post to, it should take 20 minutes tops. That is, unless I make marathon posts like I did earlier today. My blog-time is approaching 2 hours for the day!
That's literally and figuratively how I spent my weekend. I had a serious bout of "sour stomache," as it is described on the back of the Maalox bottle. I think it was food poisoning, but it was a several-day feeling icky proposition rather than the more explosive version. I don't know which I like less. Of course, I indulged every food craving all weekend to make up for feeling yucky. I also missed WW because I forgot about Daylight Saving Time.
The other thing I was digesting is how I feel about WW, and weight loss generally. I have engaged in stupendous amounts of denial and self-sabotage over the last year or so. That's not really limited to my eating habits, either, btw. I procrastinate to the point of emergency at work, too. I was thinking about quitting WW yesterday because it is not contributing anything to my weight-loss-knowhow. I like the people at WW--they are my friends, and I don't really have that many friends in the area outside of work--but are they really supporting my weightloss, or just my general sense of self-esteem? I don't know anymore.
In case it's not clear to everyone by now, weight loss and self-esteem and depression are intimately connected in most women's (everyone's?) lives. I am diagnosed as very mildly bipolar--I have bouts of major depression and times of hyper-activity, though thankfully not the destructive mania that people who are suffering from the more well-known version of the disease experience. When I'm up, everything goes smoothly for me. I work hard, play hard, lose weight, and don't really seem to need as much sleep. I keep in touch with friends near and far. But when I'm down, I can't imagine how I did all that stuff. I'm functional enough to fake my way through work, but my personal relationships and my health suffer.
Is it okay to let my weight slide up to the 160s evey time I feel normal or a little down, as compared to when I'm high and in the 140s? No. Is it inevitable? It certainly feels that way a lot of the time.
Parallel but very different question, and the third subject of digestion: is it okay to leave a job where I am excelling by outside accounts? One that I mostly enjoy? How do I guarantee that the place I'm going next will be any better in terms of reaching a balance of challenge, fulfillment, and hours spent? Does a job have to be fulfilling? Or just pay enough to give me the life I want outside of work? How much risk am I taking for uncertain rewards? Can I make these decisions when others' lives are dependent upon, or at least will change along with, mine? Clearly I need some input from DH on a lot of this, but he feels like he doesn't have a say since he's not the one putting in the hours. BTW, economic inequality in relationships sucks for everyone, even when the traditional roles are reversed.
Ashleyb and I seem to be having similar work-crises, though hers was precipitated by a lack of support and mine by a review that left me glowing until I realized I'd have to "keep up the good work." This is not to belittle Ashley's dilemmas--her experience makes me remember why my parents (both teachers) left traditional schools and told me not to become a teacher myself.
They also told me not to be a lawyer, but I didn't listen very well.
**Note** I took down my pictures, not because I don't want you all to see me but because I'm paranoid about people from work reading this. If anyone really cared to find out who I am I'm sure they could, but I'm hoping the discovery would be accidental and not hunting me down--I'm not quite that paranoid.
I accidentally clicked "Preview" instead of "Submit" and it ate my post. Here's the digest version:
I'm still having trouble getting home/in bed early enough to work out in the mornings. I am perpetually sleepy, and I know that's not good for weight loss any more than lack of exercise. I missed yoga this morning because I was out till after 11 celebrating the end of our big case with the whole team (yes, my part ended a month ago but the official papers were signed last week). My friend missed it too, though, so she and I are going to try the same class (different instructor) on Friday morning.
I want to go to bed at 10 so that 6 doesn't feel so awful, but I also want to spend time with DH and have to do stuff around the house sometimes. Which means I really need to get home from work earlier. Ha.
The work celebration was great because I got to have social bonding time with a lot of my coworkers, including partners. There's really not that much opportunity for things like that. There's a boys' club vibe sometimes because I'm often the only woman on a team, but last night did not feel that way at all. I know my coworkers wouldn't make me feel that way intentionally but it's one of those things about working in an area that historically has discriminated so much and been based on rich mens' social networks. It may be my perception as much as anyone else's behavior, but it was a relief to feel comfortable among my peers last night.
Beginning yoga tonight was not so awesome. The last few weeks it's been very crowded and I've felt I did not get as good a workout as before, and this week we had a sub who moved so slowly that I never broke a sweat, despite the body heat in the room. I think she is still in training so I understand why she went slowly, but there was so much down time and I wanted a challenge so much that I think I've now overstretched my inner thigh--it's now very tight and a little painful.
The upsides to this are several, though. First, I did much better at balancing poses today than usual, despite otherwise being a bit distracted. Second, if I can do all the beginning anusara class with ease (even bridge pose and half-moon pose today) then I can survive a more challenging class, right? I will miss the awesome instructor for this class, but she teaches others at different studios so maybe I will make an effort to attend those. So the most consistent of my yoga-attending coworkers (there are four of us now) and I are deeming ourselves graduated and looking for a new class. I don't know if I can hang with two vinyasa classes per week, but that's the plan for now since we know we can make it to those classes. We are also going to try out classes at another studio about 10 minutes away since a lot of the classes that are within our schedule at the nearest studio are too advanced for us.
I might do C25k Week 2, day 3 right now since I didn't do it this weekend. Maybe the wakling and jogging will help loosen up my leg. I should do more work but I worked pretty solid from 8:30 till 5 and I refuse to feel bad about exercising. It's only 20 min . . .
Food was good today. I need to look at the labels on some of the prepared food I eat, though. I already checked that it's Core (or nearly so) but as Ashleyb reminded us today, there are other evils in prepared food, such as HFCS. I kind of don't want to, because I'm at my limit on how much I'm able to cook during the week. I could recruit DH to do more cooking . . .
Speaking of food, I had the best asparagus last night. I cut off the bottom of the stems and steamed them over a rolling boil for 5 minutes, then lightly salted them. DH claims to despise asparagus, and he voluntarily ate 4 stalks. Tonight I had a pear, walnut & gorgonzola salad and managed to tell them no walnuts and take off about 2/3 of the cheese (and the remainder was delectable!). Add some pepper crusted, seared ahi with pickled ginger and it's a damn good dinner. I still need to get the veggie count up, but it was a good day today.
seemed like a good idea at the time . . .
That's the theme of my weekend, really.
On Friday some of the partners took us out to lunch, because it was the first sunny day in a while and we're not as swamped as usual. It was great fun, but we went to this burger shack cum beer garden (I was not aware of the location when I accepted the invite!). They have veggie burgers and grilled chicken, but it's all grilled on the same grill as the burgers and served on the same greasy bun. So while I skipped the beer and limited the fries, I did have a cheeseburger. I then felt somewhat ill all afternoon.
Since I wasn't feeling good, I left work early and forgot my time-book, which I was planning on entering into the computer time system this weekend from home. Oops.
We tried to go to a movie Friday night (Zodiac) but it was sold out by the time we got there, so instead we ate out. I had grilled chicken and salad, but then thought what the heck, and had some ice cream for dessert. Again, felt sick.
Saturday I laid on the couch. All day. Then I went to a birthday party, where I had 2 glasses of wine and 2 cupcakes, among other snacks I should have left alone. My reward was a sugar crash and a hangover, and a gain when I should have lost this morning.
So needless to say I'm a little irritated at myself that it's 8:30 pm on Sunday and I'm at work, putting in my time, and feeling bloated. I did recover and eat well today, so I'm trying for a better week this week.
Bleargh! I will do better!
cant. move. at. all.
Seriously, dudes. I don't remember being this sore the last time I did vinyasa (about a month ago). I was better at following along this time, so maybe it's just that I actually did all the poses. Either way, I could barely get out of bed this morning and decided to postpone my c25k run until tonight, when the wonders of ibuprofen will have made it less excruciating.
I forgot to bring my lunch today. I don't really have anything to bring so I guess that's okay--it'll be a brown rice sushi day. I cooked a lot last week, and haven't been home in the evenings this week (or this weekend!) to do that. Have to make barley and quinoa and veggies and some kind of protein that keeps this weekend, so I'll have something to eat during next week. I'm still doing well with Core though--last night I managed to find grilled chicken and roast veggies at the grocery store that weren't slathered in butter.
Have you all seen the Kashi frozen meals? A lot of them are with the 7 grain & sesame pilaf, and really pretty Core friendly. But they all have red and yellow peppers in them, which I loathe. I may have to give them a try again soon, though, 'cause they're in everything I seem to be able to eat that's prepared food.
Vinyasa and not enough food
This morning I went to a 7 a.m. vinyasa class. I'm not sure whether I like vinyasa or not. It's focused on completing a series of movements in time with your breath, and therefore can mean changing positions quite often and quickly. Not as fast as some other disciplines, but for a beginner plenty fast. Certainly staying with the flow of breath is very challenging, but I worry that I'm not reaching many of the poses correctly. The instructor is very nice and expands her descriptions of the pose when one of us is clearly struggling, so I'll keep with it for a while at least.
My friend who has been going to yoga with me thinks we are ready to transition out of the Monday night beginner class. It's as much because the class is very crowded as because we are ready for something different. I'm reluctant because I love the class and the instructor, but my friend is right that the class is too crowded to get the kind of attention we need to progress quickly and it's distracting--we actually had a cell phone ring during savasana this week, ruining my already precarious concentration.
I am a little concerned that I'm not eating enough the past few days. Last night I went to a cocktail reception, where I had a small glass of red wine, two small pieces of chicken in some kind of satay sauce, two pieces of California roll sushi, two pieces of some kind of smoked salmon & tortilla roll, a little cheese, and two little chocolates. I ate because I was really hungry and there were NO vegetables or fruit! Crazy. The wine I had because I wanted it. Anyway, that ended up being my dinner because by the time I got home I was just tired. I know it probably added up to a decent amount of calories but it didn't seem like a meal. A similar thing happened Monday night--I brought wild rice and chicken but I had not tried the wild rice before--it was precooked from TJ's--and I did not like it at all, so ended up basically just having chicken and broccoli for dinner. I guess I need to plan my meals better. I haven't been hungry though, just knowing I need to fit in more veggies and fiber and worried about not getting the right amount of calories in. My loss tends to slow WAY down if I eat too little, like when someone suggested I try not eating my APs when I was on Flex. Bad idea for my body, apparently.
The mirror always tells me nicer things after yoga than after running. Probably because I just lengthened and tightened everything instead of making it all bounce around for 30 minutes.