I have been in a funk lately. Lots of things going on... ongoing issues with hubby, my dad's health issues, work... just can't seem to get everything going in a good direction. The story of my life. I either can't be happy or can't be content when I am. Always something going on. I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like something is going to go wrong at any minute, and if it doesn't, then I have to create it. I don't know why I am like that. Therapy isn't helping so far. I just feel horrible every time I leave there. She keeps telling me to allow myself to have these feelings, but I end up just feeling guilty. I can't just think about myself. It just isn't possible. Every thing I do will affect someone else... either my daughter, my husband, my parents, my boss, my coworkers, my staff. I worry about it all too much but don't know how to turn it off. I have always been that way... guess that's how I became an emotional eater. I tried drinking and partying in my 20's and that didn't help either... duh!
Yesterday I was just so depressed. My husband is clueless and I can't share things with him because he simply just doesn't get it. He's a nice guy, just not very bright and has no desire to try to better himself. He's happy just as he is. Wish I could be. So, my depression comes out as bitchy. I can't explain it to him. I wanted to call a friend, but he comes in and just sits there staring at me, then wants me to do some of his paperwork. Paperwork that he is incapable of doing. Which frustrates me all the further. Grrr.... Never ending cycle.
My dad's health isn't great. We had a big family meeting last Friday to discuss his wishes. I hate the thought of my dad dying, but I know it's inevitable. Another shoe waiting to drop. And I feel guilty, because I feel like I am just waiting for him to go so I can get out of my marriage. I can't disappoint my dad, he loves my husband. I love him too, I just don't want to be married to him. So I have this whole internal tug of war going on. I DON'T want my dad to die, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Plus, the Christian in me says, you made those vows for life. How can you walk away from it when you know how much he loves you. How can you pull yet another person out of your daughter's life. Are you just the biggest, selfish bitch on the planet.
Oh well. Life goes on. Another day. La da di la di da, life goes on..... Remember that show?
I love lazy Saturday mornings. They don't happen very often, but I love them. This morning hubby got up at 5:30 to go play softball. I can't imagine getting up that early for anything that wasn't ABSOLUTELY necessary. I would never get up that early by choice. Only one of the major differences in the 2 of us. My daughter is out of town with my mom, so I had the whole morning to sleep, undisturbed. That NEVER happens. I have to go to work in a little while, but man, am I loving the silence in my house. It's great!
Weight wise, I am finally started to shed some of those pounds I gained on vacation. I haven't stuck to NS this week, but have really watched my portion control. I did have one lapse of sanity where I decided I could eat Tostitos, but luckily I didn't do too much damage!
Going out tonight with a friend. I don't usually hit the bars often, but I am looking forward to it. I feel like life is boring sometimes. I don't drink much, but it's fun to watch everyone. Hubby doesn't like me to go out, thinks I am going to find some hot stud in the bar to leave him for. yes... that's my secret goal, to find some guy in a bar. Please... I can't believe he really thinks that I am that shallow!
Well, off to the shower and then to work. Never a full day's rest!
Well, we are back... 4300 miles later. Ugghhh. I have never spent so much time in the car in my life! Way too long. It was an OK trip. The first half we spent in Chula Vista, CA with my SIL, BIL, MIL and newphew. They speak mostly spanish, which I don't, so that was interesting. I just nodded a lot and pretended I knew what the hell was going on.
We drove up through San Francisco, across the Golden Gate Bridge and started up Hwy 1, but hubby got sick about 20 miles into it from all the twisty turns. I couldn't even get any pictures because I was driving. So, we cut back across through Sonoma and got back on Hwy 5 and drove all the way up to Redding, which is pretty much the last city before Oregon. I have never seen so much of California in my life! We stayed there for 3 nights, then drove to Vegas, spent 2 nights there and then came home, spending one night in Albuquerque along the way.
Whew... I am tired just thinking about it. Anyway, you can imagine how much work I had piled up waiting for me! Fun Fun.
Sad part, I gained a LOT on vacation. Oh well, back on track as of Saturday and planning to get out of this slump. I know I can do it!
We are leaving in a few hours for vacation. Going to California to visit my sister in law and some friends of mine. I am excited, but not looking forward to driving all that way from Texas. MIL is going with us so at least I'll have someone to help entertain hubby and kiddo!
I do this every time I get close to a goal... sabotage. I am back on track this week, but a week and a half ago I was at 200.8. Now I am back up to 203.4 according to the scale this morning. Yesterday 202.3. That's why I hate the scale... it drives me crazy, but I can't stay off it.
Minor problems on the home front are not helping. DH is so jealous of anyone and anything that takes my time. On top of that, I think he's a sex fiend and I just have no desire. Probably something wrong with me, but it's definitely putting a strain on our marriage. I just can't be what he wants me to be. It's not fair to him, but I just can't help it. I gave so much in my first failed marriage and I just don't think I have anything left to give. We're going to try counseling. Hopefully that will help. I refuse to live my life miserably. So something is going to have to change.
Anyway, back on track so far with food this week. I have been exercising like crazy too, so maybe that will be the catapult I need to get me under the 200 hump!!!
I have been much better the last two weeks. Official weigh in isn't until tomorrow but yesterday and today both I have been in the 204's... That's getting pretty darn close to Onederland! I am excited. That also makes me half way to goal and 45 pounds gone!!
I have been SO busy getting ready for the play. We open in 6 days!!! One of my costumes is a strapless black glittery tube dress. NO WAY would I have been able to wear that 6 months ago!! DH is not thrilled, but he'll get over it! I am having a blast. The director gave me some extra solos in "Hard Candy Christmas" he says it's because I have a beautiful voice although I am sure it's just because I am loud! Whatever, I am having a lot of fun. I will continue to do a show each year as long as they'll cast me. My family's just going to have to live with it. Hopefully they'll do some shows that my daughter can be in too. She'll be 6 this summer so she's getting old enough. I think she's already got the theatre bug, she's always acting out things. She has a great imagination! She's so much fun.
I am struggling lately. I can't seem to get motivated and have lost all semblance of will power. I eat anything that I want. I know I can't do that. I have gained .8 of a pound. It's definitely not water weight since I have been at the same weight 2 weeks in a row. UGGH. I need to refocus. I want to have that same willpower I did when I started in October. I was so focused. Now I am just such a slacker. What is wrong with me? The closer I get to Onederland, the more I seem to sabotage myself. I had french fries yesterday. I know I can't eat french fries. I ate them all... Didn't even blink. I can't eat like that. Then, I felt guilty, but still had half a brownie when I got back to work. Damn it. I just want to be able to control my eating. Why can't I take control of that one part of my life?????????
I wasn't good. Plain and simple. I ate hot dogs, chips, cake. Whatever I wanted all weekend. I am paying for it now. I know I can't do that, but did it anyway. I have to say I know I didn't eat as much as I used to, but still didn't eat good things. So I am not even counting this weeks weigh in.
Obviously my mouth is feeling better. :|
Oh well... back on track today. I have been 100% on plan today so far and have already had over 70 ounces of water and it's only 4:00. My weight log looks like the dow jones chart. :)
I had gum surgery on Friday. I slept through it all so don't really remember it and it doesn't hurt, but I can't bite anything. So, I am eating cottage cheese, pudding, that kind of stuff. I tried to eat some real food last night (mushrooms, lomein noodles) but it was hard to do, so I think I'll stick to the soft stuff for a few days. I can't work out until Wednesday. I weighed exactly the same yesterday as last Saturday 208.2. I can see Onederland... I just can't seem to get there. Now, I am no where near plan and with no working out, I am hoping this isn't a big set back for me. I want to be under 200 so badly. I haven't been there in over 12 or 13 years. I will be jumping for joy and dancing that day!!!
Back in the office and trying to catch up from my 3 pages of phone calls and 100 emails. We have a huge event this weekend where all the alumni come to visit campus and we have events going on all over campus. I have been so busy and haven't had time to take care of myself. I didn't even have a chance to breath yesterday and last night Morgan had Awanas and we didn't have a bit of groceries in the house. I dropped her off and went out to our community theatre to see if I had gotten a part in the play I auditioned for Saturday before I left for Dallas. Yeah... I got a part in the chorus! I haven't done a show in 16 years so even auditioning was stressful enough. I can ease back into it this way. Although, this is just another activity I have to find time for. Anyway, I went to Walmart and barely made it back to pick up Morgan in time. Once I got her home, got her into bed and put on some laundry (otherwise I would have had to come to work naked today) and then finally got my dinner ready, I was beat and it was almost 9:00 pm. I did a couple of loads of laundry and went to bed. Needless to say, no time for exercise.
And today? Well, I had to go see my allergist because I am having an allergic reaction to either the shampoo, soap, detergent or something at the hotel and my whole head is broken out in these pimple like sores, so that took care of any lunch plans I might have had. I did manage to swing by the house and throw something in the crock pot so O and Morgan can eat tonight. I have my first rehearsal for the play tonight at 6:15. So, unnless I can manage to find some time to work out during work this afternoon, today is shot too!
I need to reorganize, but I don't know what to cut out. O's already not happy that I am taking on another project, especially one that doesn't involve him. He would prefer me to spend ALL my time with him and it's just not going to happen. I love him and Morgan but I really need some time for something that I want to do, too. Hopefully he'll understand it.
So, if I could manage to squeeze another 2 hours into each day, I'd be fine!!
