Well, it's been ages and ages since I have posted. So much has happened. My dad battled prostate cancer and won his fight on November 19, 2007 when he went home to be with the Lord. During that long illness I managed to gain back all but 3 pounds of the weight that I had lost. It was so very frustrating. However, there were also good things happening during that time. I married my very best friend and my soul mate on January 27th, 2008. He's been so supportive and helpful. I couldn't imagine life without him. I finally was so tired of the struggle... I had LapBand surgery on April 25th. It has gotten me on the right track. I was 234 the day of surgery and I am down to 208, so I back to almost within 10 pounds of where I was in December of 2006. I'm getting there slowly but surely. This has been a great tool and while I have to be very patient, it is working for me and I know I will finally get to my goal of a healthy weight. I want to be around to enjoy my family for as long as possible. It's nice to have something that I KNOW will work!
Sorry I have been MIA lately. January was a crazy month. Divorce was final, big ice storms, sickness in the family and no DSL for several weeks. It has not been a great start to the new year. Eating has been out of control as well. I need to get a handle on it, but I am just exhausted right now. Physically and emotionally. My poor little girl has had the flu this week. She was finally able to go to school today for the first time this week. She's still coughing and full of congestion, but I had to try to get her there. She's missed 9 days of school already this year.
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I am still among the living. Barely. Hope everyone here is doing OK!!
We returned from our Christmas trip to New Mexico last night. It was fun, but I am glad to be home. Spending the holidays with your almost ex-husband isn't exactly the highlight of the season, but it could have been worse, I am sure.
Hope everyone around here had a great Christmas. I am off work until January 2nd so I hope to get a lot done around the house. We'll see.
Weighwise, I have come pretty close to maintaining throughout all the festivities. I am at 198.6 and as long as I remain under the 200 mark this month, I'll be happy!!
Things have been so busy lately that I have been neglecting my extrapounds pals and for that, I am sorry. I just dont' seem to have five extra minutes in a day anymore. Especially now that it gets dark so early. I hate the whole time change. I wish we could stay on daylight savings all year round. I don't care if it's dark when I get up!
Scale has been my friend lately. I actually think Onederland is in site. I have been at 201 now for several days so hopefully I'll make a swoosh soon. I hope Thanksgiving doesn't sabotage me! I've been eating fairly sensibly even though I am not doing Nutrisystem any more. Well, not primarily anyway. I do eat some NS food, but mostly for convenience sake. I cancelled my autoship so I can just order alacarte whenever I need to.
Other than that, things are progressing... We are in the 60 day waiting period on the divorce. I think he's getting used to the idea that I am not changing my mind. I hope so anyway. He's still uncomfortable being around me, which I can understand, but he's the one who chooses to continue to be a part of my family. He could bow out at any time and go back to his own family, but yet he continues to hang out with my dad and call him every day. I am OK with it because I know my dad enjoys his company. As long as they can keep their relationship separate from mine, we'll all do fine.
My dad's not doing well at all. He seems to be fading fast. I'd be really surprised if he's still with us this time next year. I could be wrong and I hope I am, but he's just going down so quickly. It's sad to watch. He's always been so full of energy and such a hardworker. Most days now he can barely get out of his chair.
I do feel like I am living the crazy life right now. I filed for divorce this week. I am OK with it. But everyone else in my family is unable to accept it and deal with it. I don't know what to do to make them understand that I am doing what is right for me. I have to do what is right for me. I just want them to say, "we don't understand, we may not agree, but we love you and we support you." So far that hasn't happened.
So... work is really busy, my personal life is really crazy. On the good side, my eating hasn't been out of control. That's a good thing. No emotional eating is a huge step for me.
Gotta go pick up the kiddo. She's been feeling sick on top of everything else going on. Hope it's just a bug!
Lazy day... i took off to hang out with my daughter since she was out of school for columbus day . we did manage to get chicken and go to the park... fried chicken... i have hardly had it at all since i started my weight loss journey, but i have seriously been craving it lately. i had 2 thighs and the crust, but it was worth it. i'll have steamed vegetables or something else healthy for dinner. it was so good! not as good as my mom's but Church's will do in a pinch!
I took some tylenol sinus medicine earlier and it's been making me seriously sleepy. my daughter went down the street to play with another little girl... so now i could take a nap, but since it's so late i know if i do, i'll never sleep tonight... oh well... i'll try to stay awake!
We had our second session this week with the counselor. As I suspected, DH was just trying to get me into a situation where I feel guilted to stay in the marriage. First of all, the counselor basically said that the reason people get married is to have children. I SO don't agree with that. I already have a child, then I got married, gained another child (the husband). Why in the world would I want to add another human that I would have to take care of? Right away, I was turned off. I made it perfectly clear to DH that I didn't want any more children before we got married. He said he was fine with it. Then he tells the counselor that he really had wanted a child but because I didn't, he agreed to it. WHY would you give up something that was so important to you? There is such a chasm between what he admits he wants and what he tells me he wants. There is no way I can meet his needs and wants. Especially when he's not even honest about what those are. The counselor pretty much said that having a child can bring people closer together. I am not having a baby to "fix" my relationship.
Then, after we go down that road and my walls are already closing, the counselor says that he can't really help us if we aren't living in the same house. Then, he asks, who is still at home. I said, I am, it's my house. You should have seen the look on that man's face when I said it was "my" house. It is MY house. I bought it by MYself, before I was ever married. It's mine. It's mine now and it's going to be mine when he's gone. So, by that, I already have a good feeling about this man. He's traditional. That's great. I am happy for him. But I'll be damned if he's going to impose his beliefs on me. As he's saying that he can't help us if we aren't living together, DH is over there bobbing his head in agreement telling the counselor how he keeps telling me that we need to spend time together. That's when I knew it. I knew it was over. I don't even want to be in the same room with him, much less the same house.
So, tonight I am telling him that it's just not going to work. I am not in love with him. It's just not fair to drag it out. It's eating me away on the inside and I can't do it.
I hate that I am going to have been married and divorced, not once but twice. I never pictured that for me. Ever. But sadly, that will be the case. I am only 36. Not like either of my marriages lasted long. I can't make it past 2 years. I know that I have to take responsibility. I can't blame the men in my life for everything. Maybe it's just that I don't pick well. Or I pick the "idea" of a man, but it never pans out. I KNEW with every fiber of my being that my first marriage wasn't going to work. I knew it when I married him, but I did give it my best effort. This time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I did what everyone thought was best, but I think in my core, that I probably knew. I think the lesson learned is that I should listen to myself. Listen to those voices in my head that tell me when I am doing something wrong. I'd probably be a lot better off!
We had our first visit this week with the "christian" counselor. Nice, English gentleman who is an ordained Orthodox. Not in any way similar to my non-denominational background, but still, at least we believe in the same God. He's very softspoken, wears sandles and socks... He really just got a lot of background information on us. Asked things about our families, if our parents were still married, siblings, etc. My husband's is pretty simple, there are 6 of them from the same 2 parents, their parents are still married, but haven't lived together in over 20 years. Mine is much more complicated. I am my mother's only child, my biological father's 5th child and my adoptive father's 4th child. It's like ivy. The counselor kind of gave me that look like "no wonder you are screwed up". Anyway, he then asked us what our major issues were and I explained everything from my point of view, which DH agreed with. Then the counselor said, well, I get the sense that you are overwhelmed. Then he asked DH, "do you get the sense that she is overwhelmed?" Of course, he answered yes and the counselor pretty much reaffirmed what I knew. That DH was a big baby and let me take care of him and everything else.
So, we have another appointment next week, DH is still living with his mom, which is perfect as far as I can see and I don't know when or IF I'll ever let him move back in. It's MY house. MY daughter, MY car, nothing has his name on it. Sounds selfish, I know, but I feel like if I am the one taking care of everything anyway, I might as well just go ahead and do it by myself. I like it that way.
Well, enough rambling for today. I appreciate everyone's support. I am staying on track with eating. Lost 4 pounds last week, but gained one of them back this week. We'll see how things go for the weigh-in on Saturday. I still want to see a "1" on my scale so badly! It will happen, surely!
Sorry I have been MIA lately. Lots of things going on on the homefront, culminating in my husband and I separating. I am OK with it, he's not so much. We have a lot of issues, but finally everything just came to a head. We got in a huge fight and I just let it all out . Everything that I had been feeling and thinking. Bottom line is that I am not what he needs and wants in a wife and he is not what I need and want in a husband. Some of these things may have come out if we had dated longer, I don't know. Some I think are just the result of 2 very different people living together.
He's been gone since Sunday and honestly, it's been wonderful. I have been sleeping better, I am not stressed out all the time, I am not depressed or in that funk that I had been in for so long AND to top that off, I am back on track with my eating. I haven't had one craving for a donut or anything else bad since he left. That has to tell me something.
I don't know what my ultimate decision will be. He wants to try counseling, which we have been doing, but now he wants to go to a "christian" counselor. I am a Christian and I don't know that the counselor we have been going to is not a Christian. But, I do know that if he just wants someone to guilt me into staying married to him because it's the "christian" thing to do, that it's not going to work. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, just wanted everyone to know what was going on with me. I haven't abandoned my weight loss goals, I just got temporarily sidetracked!!
He really just got a lot of background information on us. Asked things about our families, if our parents were still married, siblings, etc. My husband's is pretty simple, there are 6 of them from the same 2 parents, their parents are still married, but haven't lived together in over 20 years. Mine is much more complicated. I am my mother's only child, my biological father's 5th child and my adoptive father's 4th child. It's like ivy. The counselor kind of gave me that look like "no wonder you are screwed up". Anyway, he then asked us what our major issues were and I explained everything from my point of view, which DH agreed with. Then the counselor said, well, I get the sense that you are overwhelmed. Then he asked DH, "do you get the sense that she is overwhelmed?" Of course, he answered yes and the counselor pretty much reaffirmed what I knew. That DH was a big baby and let me take care of him and everything else.