Finished
We had our second session this week with the counselor. As I suspected, DH was just trying to get me into a situation where I feel guilted to stay in the marriage. First of all, the counselor basically said that the reason people get married is to have children. I SO don't agree with that. I already have a child, then I got married, gained another child (the husband). Why in the world would I want to add another human that I would have to take care of? Right away, I was turned off. I made it perfectly clear to DH that I didn't want any more children before we got married. He said he was fine with it. Then he tells the counselor that he really had wanted a child but because I didn't, he agreed to it. WHY would you give up something that was so important to you? There is such a chasm between what he admits he wants and what he tells me he wants. There is no way I can meet his needs and wants. Especially when he's not even honest about what those are. The counselor pretty much said that having a child can bring people closer together. I am not having a baby to "fix" my relationship.
Then, after we go down that road and my walls are already closing, the counselor says that he can't really help us if we aren't living in the same house. Then, he asks, who is still at home. I said, I am, it's my house. You should have seen the look on that man's face when I said it was "my" house. It is MY house. I bought it by MYself, before I was ever married. It's mine. It's mine now and it's going to be mine when he's gone. So, by that, I already have a good feeling about this man. He's traditional. That's great. I am happy for him. But I'll be damned if he's going to impose his beliefs on me. As he's saying that he can't help us if we aren't living together, DH is over there bobbing his head in agreement telling the counselor how he keeps telling me that we need to spend time together. That's when I knew it. I knew it was over. I don't even want to be in the same room with him, much less the same house.
So, tonight I am telling him that it's just not going to work. I am not in love with him. It's just not fair to drag it out. It's eating me away on the inside and I can't do it.
I hate that I am going to have been married and divorced, not once but twice. I never pictured that for me. Ever. But sadly, that will be the case. I am only 36. Not like either of my marriages lasted long. I can't make it past 2 years. I know that I have to take responsibility. I can't blame the men in my life for everything. Maybe it's just that I don't pick well. Or I pick the "idea" of a man, but it never pans out. I KNEW with every fiber of my being that my first marriage wasn't going to work. I knew it when I married him, but I did give it my best effort. This time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I did what everyone thought was best, but I think in my core, that I probably knew. I think the lesson learned is that I should listen to myself. Listen to those voices in my head that tell me when I am doing something wrong. I'd probably be a lot better off!