A mood
I have been in a funk lately. Lots of things going on... ongoing issues with hubby, my dad's health issues, work... just can't seem to get everything going in a good direction. The story of my life. I either can't be happy or can't be content when I am. Always something going on. I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like something is going to go wrong at any minute, and if it doesn't, then I have to create it. I don't know why I am like that. Therapy isn't helping so far. I just feel horrible every time I leave there. She keeps telling me to allow myself to have these feelings, but I end up just feeling guilty. I can't just think about myself. It just isn't possible. Every thing I do will affect someone else... either my daughter, my husband, my parents, my boss, my coworkers, my staff. I worry about it all too much but don't know how to turn it off. I have always been that way... guess that's how I became an emotional eater. I tried drinking and partying in my 20's and that didn't help either... duh!
Yesterday I was just so depressed. My husband is clueless and I can't share things with him because he simply just doesn't get it. He's a nice guy, just not very bright and has no desire to try to better himself. He's happy just as he is. Wish I could be. So, my depression comes out as bitchy. I can't explain it to him. I wanted to call a friend, but he comes in and just sits there staring at me, then wants me to do some of his paperwork. Paperwork that he is incapable of doing. Which frustrates me all the further. Grrr.... Never ending cycle.
My dad's health isn't great. We had a big family meeting last Friday to discuss his wishes. I hate the thought of my dad dying, but I know it's inevitable. Another shoe waiting to drop. And I feel guilty, because I feel like I am just waiting for him to go so I can get out of my marriage. I can't disappoint my dad, he loves my husband. I love him too, I just don't want to be married to him. So I have this whole internal tug of war going on. I DON'T want my dad to die, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Plus, the Christian in me says, you made those vows for life. How can you walk away from it when you know how much he loves you. How can you pull yet another person out of your daughter's life. Are you just the biggest, selfish bitch on the planet.
Oh well. Life goes on. Another day. La da di la di da, life goes on..... Remember that show?