138 / 2008

Breakfast:

Carrot and Zucchini Puff (gross)

Lunch:

Banana

Almonds

1 thin white chocolate square

Dinner:

Macaroni Grill pasta leftovers

Apple

Healthy Choice hot dog (no bun)

1/2 baked potato

ANNOUNCEMENT: NEW GOAL

SEPTEMBER 21, 2007 /  LESS THAN 128.5

My mom just dropped my brother off at school - and i won't see her again until i go home for a dentist appointment!

I will reach this goal!  With WeightWatchers and Jesus!

(Currently 137.5 - with my period!)

straight from my REAL journal

so this is a synopsis of what i wrote last night in my real journal (exciting!)

i'll admit it.  i've taken a liking to watching joel osteen's sermons late late on sunday nights.  familiar with him?  he pastors a MEGA-church in texas, i believe.  he's kind of cheesy - but obviously he's doing something right if he's packing an indoor arena full of people every sunday. 

so after a terrible terrible night of bineing and feeling incredibly low, i watched him speak about having a postive mental image.  and i sat right up in my bed.  because i was feeling every single thing he said.  basically:

if we use our imaginations to our benefit, we can capture the good future that the Lord wants for us.  eyes of faith.  if we place something good in front of us, we'll move toward it.  seeing ourselves from the Master's view.

all sounds good right?  and i realized i don't have a positive view of myself at all.  i'm constantly just thinking about how many months i've wasted, how many goals i never reached, how i'm so unhappy.  i think i've perfected projecting negativity onto myself.  sad.

and then i was reading all this criticism about osteen's ministry.  how he never really mentions Jesus and the ultimate sacrifice.  and it's true.  he doesn't.  he only talks about God as this being in the sky that can "make us better - financially successful, healthier, etc."

so then i started thinking maybe this is all wrong.  but i'm going to stick with it.  keeping a happier, healthier image of me in my mind every time i catch a negative thought skipping through. 

also, i'm reading matthew - which is full of stories of bold belief, simple trust, and taking "risks of faith."  and guess what?  all those strong believers?  they were healed.

ENOUGH!

OK.  I JUST WROTE A MOST DEPRESSING ENTRY.  ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT NEVER MEETING GOALS AND FALSE PROMISES.  AND THEN I CAME TO MY SENSES AND REALIZED, "WHO NEEDS THIS?!?"

nobody!  nobody out there needs to read about all my shitty shit.  hell, i don't even need to read about all my shitty shit!  we're trying to support each other here!  and, yes, sometimes there is a great deal of strength in learning that everybody struggles - but my entry wasn't about that.  my entry was wallowing.  wallow.  wallow.  cry.  wallow. 

so - i hope none of you happened upon my site during the 32 foolish seconds it took me to realize that nobody needs that kind of downer.

i'm going to leave you all with one assignment for tomorrow:

No negative thoughts.  If you don't have any body confidence - well, find some for tomorrow.  Don't feel undesireable - feel sexy.  Find the positivity and power that you already have.  Because it's there - it's just buried under pounds and sadness and frustration.  So reach down, pull it up, and flaunt it all day!

oh, humanity.

oh, crap.  a bad day.  knew it was going to be a bad day as soon as i ate a load of candy for lunch.  i'm one of those people that doesn't hesitate to throw in the towel.  nope.  don't hesitate one bit. 

always tomorrow folks, always tomorrow.

a first!

many things tonight.  so i'll try to keep each point short and separated.

1. i picked up an old issue of O magazine at the library.  the march 2007 issue.  and one of the topics on the front cover read, "Weight: Blog It Off."  and everything in the article was true.  and it made me really glad i'm already on this blogging wagon.  and really glad that i've already found support in women i don't know.  at all.  i haven't seen any of you.  i don't know your ages or your faces.  i just know that someone else out there struggles with my struggles.  actually, i know that many people out there struggle with my struggles.  it's beautiful!

2. i made the most wonderful lunch today.  i call it "The Single College Girl's Chicken Soup."  it's so ridiculously easy to make that i almost shouldn't bother to post about it - but it was so good!  one can of campbell's chicken noodle soup with chopped up celery, carrots, onion, and zucchini.  so good!  the fresh vegetables add so much bulk!  and i ate half the pot for only 2 points!  awesome!

3. tonight i went to a meeting and dinner was served.  i started preparing myself from the moment i got out of bed.  i ate a very low point breakfast and a low point lunch.  then, despite my strong strong urges to lay in bed and watch movies, i hit the treadmill for 35 minutes of walking/running intervals.  good girl!  at the meeting i ate 1 serving of the vegetable lasagna, 1 slice of italian bread (but no butter) and i filled half my plate with the garden salad (and no dressing).  for desert i had one oatmeal and chocolate chip cookie.  and the girl sitting next to me smiled and said, "they have no butter!  just applesauce!"  and i could have kissed her right on the lips.

my WW weigh-in date is friday.  so today was day two of my good week.  and i'm so proud of myself for doing well at that meeting.  those cookies were right in front of me the entire time.  but i told myself:

"if you don't start, then you won't have to stop."

it was the perfect mantra for the time.  i felt good in the clothing i was wearing.  but i'm just really looking forward to being more slim.  it's hard to keep the thoughts positive, but i've learned enough to know that creeping negative thoughts get you absolutely nowhere. 

sausage!

so tonight i put on some jeans and a top and i felt like a sausage.  but i'm trying to find the positive.  instead of thinking, "wow, i'm gross.  let's go eat," i'm trying to think, "maybe next time i put these clothes i'll be just a little bit less sausage-y."

i hope!

i'm going to make my daily point goal every day this week.  that's my mini-goal.  and i'm betting weight watchers is VERY effective if you're honest and actually do it!

Goals and Apprehension

so i set some goals.  as i have done many many many times before.  and i have never reached them.  ever.  but (maybe) this time i will.  i can at least say that i'll be putting forth more effort than previous attempts. 

i'm just so tired.  i haven't cried this much before.  too many tears falling.  it's not normal and it's not necessary.  and i realized today that the freedom in Christ is not just freedom from this earth.  the death on the cross bought me freedom for every single day.  and this:

i can wake up every single day and decide to not binge.  i can wake up every single day and not be a compulsive eater.  there is some serious freedom - i'm just choosing to turn away. 

here are those goals:

(current weight: 133.0)

1. 8/31/07 - 128.0 - Reward: new makeup!
   
2. 9/28/07 - 125.0
3. 10/26/07 - 122.0
4. 11/16/07 - 120.0

There it is.  And it's doable.  About 3 pounds/month.  And i'm doing weight watchers online.  i have the tools!  i chose the 16th of november as my final day because it's the last friday before thanksgiving.  i'm excited to be healthier, skinnier, and happier.  i'm even thinking i'll buy a nice outfit to wear to my grandmother's house.  i just love winter holidays with the family.  i really really really want this. 

enlisting.

so i joined the masses.  weight watchers.  online. 

$65 / 3 months.

i know it has been proven as the most effective "dieting" strategy among all the popular diets.  heard it on the news, even in some of my classes.  and i know i know i know that true weight loss doesn't come from a diet - it comes from a "lifestyle change."  yes, yes, i know.  but there's no saying that this won't lead to a lifestlye change.  and i'm not opposed to counting points for the rest of my life.  if it will bring (and keep) a skinnier, healthier, happier me.

so today is day two.  right now it's a fun game.  but we'll see how long that lasts.  also, i am so very very cheap!  a miser, even!  so sixty-five dollars is a hit!  i actually don't think it'll come down to remembering the price to keep me on track - there are times when i think that no amount of money could keep me from a donut. 

ALSO: I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS:

so when i signed up, they asked for my height, weight, and age.  they suggested that a person shoot for 10% weight loss first.  now, i assume they go off of a healthy bmi - and choose your ultimate weight goal as the middle number of a "normal" bmi.  so 10% puts me at about 121 pounds.  Awesome, right?  Well they have my ultimate goal at ONE HUNDRED AND TWO POUNDS.  is that even possible?  i think if i walk into my house weighing 102 pounds my mom will have me admitted to an ED clinic before i'm three steps in!

but another part of me says, "oh, alexa.  deep down you don't even believe you could ever weigh 121."  i've had so so so many many many failures that any weight loss at all seems, well, unimaginable. 

but i must say, i like that weight watchers is picking my goals.  not me.  i feel like this is a much more effective strategy.  maybe along the lines of a doctor saying, "you need to lose X amount of pounds."

here goes nothing.  or everything.

i'm back.

i'm back.

no explanations.

simplifying life.  simplifying me.

the ultimate downsize.