288. wow. i realize that to countless people, seeing 288 on the scale would be a horrible moment, indeed. :) and while i'm certainly not thrilled with those numbers, let me tell you - it's all relative. having been at my highest, that dreadful 306 just a year or year and a half ago, this is a much-welcome change. the last time i weighed myself, roughly two months ago, i was back up to 295. to see that i've lost seven pounds since then has been wonderful and highly motivating to stick to what i'm doing, and maybe even beef it up a little. slowly but surely, i will get there.
it's not about vanity anymore, or obsessing about food... or at least, i'm trying to not let it be. ;) it's about being healthier, feeling healthier, being more comfortable in my own skin and not worrying obsessively about creeping-up weight or possible (and sadly, probable) health problems.
i'm hoping that as the weather starts to cool down (ohhhhhh pleeeeease let that be soon!) that i'll be more motivated to get outside and move. as of now, the humidity is killing any desire for that, but i also realize that i'm never highly motivated to exercise, sadly.
baby steps. baby steps. 7 pounds! man, it's nice to be in the next digit down. :) at this point, it would be easy for me to start worrying about: 'ohhh can i keep it off and lose more? what if i gain it all back?' but i'm trying not to let myself. i'm trying to stay positive and focused and take it one day at a time and just make wiser choices every time i eat.
first, an excerpt from my non-diet-related blog a few days ago.
i've been pondering ... having battled my weight for so long (like, forever), it's hard not to get minorly obsessed with food and dieting and worrying countlessly about this little calorie and that little carb or fat gram. don't get me wrong - i think it's good to be as healthy as possible, but i'm tired of thinking about that kind of stuff all the time. here's what my epiphany was: stop obsessing so much. be conscious of eating lots of fresh, non-refined, healthy foods that are delicious, and avoid junk food, fast food, refined flours/sugars and watch portion size and exercise every day* and drink lots of water. but enjoy food without obsessing and 'dieting'. brilliant, am i not? :P
so there you have it. :) and i meant to journal more here, but my computer died and i've had limited access this week. i've been doing good, though! i haven't weighed myself (yet) and am bracing myself for 'bad news' but i'm trying to slowly but surely get there. this little epiphany about food has already seemed to be a positive step. without obsessing about dieting or cutting things out entirely from my diet, i am focusing on breaking that cycle of good-bad-good-bad, and i think i see a small difference. i'm focusing on enjoying food (healthy food) and not beating myself up if a circumstance comes up where i eat something not-so-healthy. i just limit my portions.
also, i ordered new 'new balance' shoes because my poor pair are seriously ragged. they should come in any day now and i know this will be a motivator to step up my exercise.
i hate summer. the heat and humidity kill me. the only positives are: fresh produce from my garden - mmmmmm, and craving lots of water, and the heat causing my appetite to decrease. otherwise, i hate it! i am so ready for fall! but i'm feeling good and positive. this week my sample menu has been along the lines of: - organic cereal with soymilk, coffee, water for breakfast - grilled cheese on whole spelt bread with an orange and water for lunch, or a big salad with veggies & garbanzo beans & bean sprouts & homemade lemon/olive oil dressing - brown rice, black beans, homemade guacamole, tomatoes, cilantro and grated cheese for dinner - LOTS of cucumbers, since my garden has produced tons of them - i usually eat a whole one at a time, with a bit of dried dill and feta cheese - and snacking on a few pieces of dove dark chocolate in the evening for my sweet craving
even whilst in the throes of a stomache flu (gross) i'm still plotting and planning a healthy week. i need to journal here more. it's just that i haven't really been doing much of anything towards health & fitness, so i feel ashamed to blog. but really, why should i? i write here for me, to motivate me, not to impress anyone with my (extreme lack of) dieting skills. ha.
there are a few blogs that i have bookmarked along the way to motivate me, and tonight i've been reading the background story of dietgirl's blog: www.dietgirl.org, and i could just cry. her history and story and her struggle are so incredibly amazing. i can relate so much to some of her struggles and feelings and it helps me keep that determination and faint glimmer of hope that i can do this, if i seriously put my mind to it.
i just have to stop playing around and get serious and quit putting it off - i swear sometimes i'm like freaking scarlett o'hara with my fitness goals: 'i'll think about that .... tomorrow!'
another motivating thing about reading her blog is that she started out like me: hating exercise. but she kept at it and kept at it and got to the point where she loved it. i want that. i know i need it, but i want to love it.
i feel like that tv show 'the biggest loser' minus the extremely motivating people who go through emotional and physical pain but come out a healthier, thinner them. nope, no healthier, thinner me here. just the big loser part. *sigh*
let's see.... what has it been to sabotage my weight in the past month or so since i've journaled here? -my uncle died, causing me to spend a week with extended family eating lots of bad foods and getting no exercise -my back went out in a horrible way
but the real reason? the main reason? me. i've got no one to blame but me. (dammit! ha)
true, i've been sticking to a relatively healthy way of eating for the most part, minus my trip down east, and minus occasional eating out with friends, but this half-attempt at weightloss will not cut it for me! i know this! i know how much i have to lose, how horrible my metabolism is, how much harder i have to work than others but i can't seem to stick to the hardcore for very long.
however, i'm not giving up and i'm not giving in. my back is getting better and this incident has made me determined to get in better shape if it will help me avoid (as much as i can) having this kind of pain in the future. and it's summertime - time when i have a free pool to swim in, and i LOVE to swim. it's also that time of year when one feels better eating lighter foods. i am using all of these things to my advantage!
i will NEVER give up, not even if i keep starting over every single day. *sigh*
the biggest challenge for following the 'six week body makeover' plan, to me, is weekends and eating out.
i'm sorry, i know the kit comes with tips for how to successfully eat out etc., but i sure can't seem to find local restaurants that have the 'magic combination', so to speak, of lean chicken, brown rice, and veggies in certain quantities and all prepared with no salt and no oil. *sigh* weekends are hard, too, because they tend to be more social. i've been thinking about these things as i sit here at work on a saturday - working saturdays is rare for me, thank goodness. i hate it!
i'm not letting any of this discourage me. i've been thinking a lot about how i just need to cater this eating plan to myself personally - my lifestyle, where i live, budget, needs etc. the basic principles make sense to me and i feel better while following it, so my plan is: - eat as perfectly on plan with 6wbmo during the work-week, allowing for occasional things like my 'date' with mom for high tea this monday, since i'm off work - on weekends, social events, eating out, i plan to try to follow the plan guidelines but most importantly just choose healthy options, like leaner meats, lots of veggies, no fattening sauces, no desserts (or just a taste), only whole-grain carbs, and lots of water :)
this is my plan. i am going to try this. i have to make my eating lifestyle reasonable enough that i'll stick to it for the long haul, and when i'm super-restrictive all the time - that doesn't work for me. it may for some, but it gets me feeling discouraged and low and then once i do 'cheat', i feel guilty and throw up my hands and give up. i don't want to do that. i want to find something workable that will help me slowly stay on the path to weightloss and health.
:)
ah, but don't EVEN get me started on how my period finally showed up last night, coupled with severe emotions, horrible cramps, intestinal distress, and a bowl of ice cream. *sigh* although i'm so glad it finally came, i hate feeling this bad physically and emotionally and it's sent my cravings spiraling out of control. that being said, i'm still doing pretty good today, and yesterday i did great with my eating all day minus that darn ice cream. today i'm trying to drink my water and eat my healthy foods even though i'm crampy and queasy and my body is screaming 'salty foods! we want salty comfort foods followed by copious amounts of chocolate!!!' ha.
i've been hanging in there and staying on-plan, minus a glass of wine last night.... bad night. very bad, emotionally, so i don't regret that glass of wine too much. it relaxed me.
it's been hard, as usual, to resist all of the goodies at work - whole pans of brownies! boxes of glazed sweet rolls! arrrggggghhh.
but i keep reminding myself of my goals and how unhappy i am with my current weight and keep reminding myself that these treats would give me a momentary satisfaction, then i would be upset with myself for having given in, and would never make progress with my weight, etc. i'm not saying that there won't be times when i will have a few sweets, but i'm trying to not do that for as long as possible, to make some sort of progress first, and i don't want this to be a regular thing OR to let it derail me entirely.
i have so much more energy this week, even with the detox from going off certain foods. what a plus! and i'm soooo much less achy (fibromyalgia) when i eat on this plan. you'd think that would be enough motivation, right? that i wouldn't have to struggle with resisting cravings, because i reap such good rewards, right? but of course it's not that easy.
another factor i've been fighting this week is the delayed period and the havoc it's wreaking on me emotionally. late and/or skipped periods always make my pms through the roof! but i'm hanging in there. :)
here i am. again. bev and i are diet buddies and we're both starting over on the six week body makeover plan. today is actually my second day in, but i didn't journal yesterday (i think i lacked the courage - ha).
i was not surprised to get on the scale and see that i gained back the five pounds i'd lost initially. not surprised, but still extremely depressed to see that number again. it's easy when i don't weigh myself to forget that i weigh 290 or 295 pounds, but that reminder from the scale makes me cringe every time. *sigh* part of me wants to moan and whine and say: 'why is it so hard? WHY? why can some people never have to go through what those struggling with their weight have to go through??' but i know this is futile. it may not be fair, but life isn't fair and we make the most of what we've got. and it's true - if it's worth having, it's worth working hard for.
i just get so easily derailed. all it took this time was c. breaking up with me to send me spiraling back down into the 'i don't care's and not eating according to plan. to be fair, it was an intensely emotional couple of weeks and i literally couldn't focus on food, but still. still. here i am again.
i wish i had enough confidence in myself to really, really, really believe that i can do this. i'm pms-ing right now, which makes my low confidence levels even lower. but i CAN do this. and i need to focus on WANTING to do it, not feeling like i have to (which, i really do have to) and not feeling deprived. the not feeling deprived bit is hard for me because this plan is fairly restrictive and i love food. but i need to remember all the good things i'm eating and make myself take advantage of some of the tasty recipes on the board to prevent getting bored and frustrated and giving up. giving in.
i'm feeling pretty weary today. detox is a killer, and i'm having severe allergy attacks right now. (thank you, pollen :P) added to that the good ol' pms. but i'm also feeling faint glimmers of hope and motivation. i sat outside this morning, enjoying the spring air and just looked down at myself and felt fat and disgusting. it's true, i did. i hate feeling that way - granted, it's not all the time but i want to get back to feeling comfortable in my own skin. ugh.
i need to make it through this week on-plan, then next week start exercising. baby steps.
it started friday (right after my lovely weigh-in and discovering that i'd lost 5 lbs). i went to deerpark with mom and m., knowing that i'd 'cheat' on their marvelous, but very healthy, buffet. and i did - and paid for it by being sick all afternoon from (apparently) dairy. another incentive to give it up and stick to my plan, yes? that evening i got right back on plan with my dinner.
i did good all day saturday until the cookout at my parents'. i ate my salt-free, bbq-sauce free grilled chicken and my cole slaw without salt/mayo, and my plain grilled potatoes. THEN i had a dollop of mom's potato salad, which i ADORE, and two pieces of very salty, delicious grilled venison. then chocolate cake and ice cream. then a small piece of pound cake. argh.
sunday started nicely, but at lunch i went for mexican with my family and of course had lots of salt and some oils. i drank tons of water all afternoon and was on-plan for dinner.
then monday morning i woke up and made the fatal mistake of weighing myself to see that the scale read 4 pounds heavier. to say that this was discouraging is a gross understatement. i have to remember, though, that i'm going to start my period any second now and i know that is a factor. but man, was i feeling low. ever since then, i've been sticking to my plan, even though i'm having bad pms-y cravings and depression. yuck. i did make myself go walking with a. yesterday morning, and this morning i got up and did my sculpting exercises with the bands. why is this all so hard??? instead of totally feeling sorry for myself, i'm trying to just accept the fact that this is my lot that i've been given and i just have to suck it up and deal with it. (being overweight/needing to lose weight) on that note, i'm making a list of things i either and aiming for or look forward to, regarding being thinner and in shape.
- some day getting into cycling with c. - wearing strappy shirts in the summer without being self-conscious of my big, flabby arms - going hiking with friends and being able to do it because i'm not out of shape - not shopping at only plus-size stores - being able to actually let myself look in a full-length mirror instead of avoiding them like the plague - not worrying every day that i'm going to develop diabetes or high blood pressure - feeling sexier and more confident - not worrying about whether i'll fit in lawn chairs, etc. - ditto for airline seatbelts - buying cuter bras that don't look like industrial-strength ones - not feeling as self-conscious in a swimsuit - not feeling like the biggest girl in the room at parties - actually liking photos of myself and not cringing
wow. some of those actually hurt, emotionally, to admit....
so here i am, five days into my eating plan. i cheated wednesday night at mom and dad's - i just couldn't resist those sweets. later that night i really beat myself up about it, but i know that is SO counterproductive so i forced myself not to, and the next day (thursday) i got right back on plan.
today i had a plan cheat because i knew i'd be going to the deerpark for lunch with mom and melissa. first of all! this morning i couldn't resist so i got on the scale. i have lost five pounds in five days!!! never, ever, ever in my life have i been able to do this, on any diet. this is so encouraging and motivating to me, and it shows me that my body likes this way of life. anyway, today at lunch i didn't stick to my plan and while i didn't go nuts, i did eat some dairy, wheat, oil, salt and sugar - all of which i've been off for five days now. halfway into my meal i started feeling so disgustingly sick - bloated and gassy and just gross. and i had no appetite! or at least, not nearly as big an appetite as i may have had before. i paid for my 'sins' - i had diarrhea all afternoon. :( the moral of this story is that it really motivated me to stick to the 'six week body makeover' because i've suspected for a long time that i'm sensitive and/or allergic to wheat and dairy and sugar kills me, but i've never had the motivation to go off them all. now i am and after a few horrid days of severe cravings, i am starting to feel great! and my body told me in a big way after lunch today that i need to stay away from those foods.
i've been spending the last few days reading all of the materials for the 'six week body makeover' plan and getting it all down and then the task of grocery shopping and preparing food. whew. yesterday afternoon was exhausting - i cooked chicken (salt-free for the first time ever) and cut up chicken and measured it into 2 oz. portions, then cut up all of my cantaloupe, then planned all of my meals and snacks for the entire week, then divided up my ground turkey (pain in the rear) and all sorts of other things. this morning before work i finished up my preparation by browning all of my ground turkey breast and boiling some potatoes. this plan is going to involve lots of prep time but i know that's better for me anyway - part of the reason that i can't get a handle on my weight problem is because of being tired and not preparing ahead, then being even more tired, starving, and resorting to bad foods. no more!
i have to admit that breakfast this morning was not tasty. this was my first experience with scrambling just egg whites, salt-free nonetheless. yuck. i did top them with my homemade no-salt salsa and that helped a little. i also had 1/2 cup of oatmeal with a touch of agave nectar and cinnamon. i'm going to need to add more agave tomorrow morning to give it a bit more sweetness/flavour. and coffee!! i am going to miss my big cups of coffee in the morning, but the problem is that i load them with half and half. so i switched to earl grey, which i can get by with putting just a dash of agave nectar and literally just a touch of cream or none at all.
i've been hungry, headachey, and a bit cranky so far today. not surprising - i knew there would be a period of time in the first few days where i'd feel bad from detoxing. BUT! i got to work and for some reason, today of ALL days, there is tons of junk food in the staff breakroom. cookies, goldfish crackers, more cookies, bowls full of hershey's kisses. and someone had brewed a fresh pot of coffee. i about died. then promptly felt really cranky and 'why me?'ish which is so lame and counterproductive. but i resisted the junk.
my lunch was suprisingly tasty! (which i needed a little boost) i took my allotted 2 oz. of baked chicken, 1/2 c. of boiled red potatoes, 1 cup of mixed greens and tossed them all together with some lemon juice and spices (again, no salt). i was expecting it to be bland and dry - it was dryish, i'll admit it, but once i adjusted to this i really enjoyed the flavours. i'm hoping i'll continue to adjust as the week goes on and i get used to eating this way.
i feel like i'm starving, though. and i can tell that i'm going to be peeing constantly today and probably most of the week as i adjust to drinking 100 oz. of water. wow.
i just wish there wasn't all of that temptation downstairs. but why am i so weak?! why can't it not bother me at all? ugh.
okay. pep talk time. i can do this. it helps that a. is doing it with me - she emailed me to give me her midday report and i'm sure tonight at home we'll compare notes. it's just that i know she doesn't have nearly as much to lose as i do, and i have more health problems that make this a thing i have to do, for multiple reasons. i'm just worried that she'll get sick of it and go back to 'normal' eating for her and it'll be doubly challenging for me to try to stick to my eating plan. but it has to be a way of life, right? and i know countless people are able to lose weight and still have to be around bad foods from their families, spouses, roommates, etc.
i can do this. but i really, really, really am craving those chocolate kisses downstairs. :)
