What am I teaching my son

Today, I was measuring some things in my room with measuring tape. When I asked my son to take it to his grandma, he asked me " Why, is she gainging weight?"

Is this what he has gotten from me obssessing over my weight? Watching the biggest loser, celebrity fit club, buff brides, and any other show where I get to see OTHER people doing exercise?

I don't know how to react. I just feel like the years are going by and his memory of me will be a mom who was obssessed with her weight.

Hate being the fat one

I was at a party last night. A man that reminds me alot of my father stated that he hates fat people.

I was in shock and couldn't react. I know my father feels the same way. This man spoke just like him. I hate them both.

The only good thing I can say about this man is that he, unlike my dad, stuck around with for his kids. Maybe that's why his kids aren't fat asses like me.

I am feel like shit. I'm tired of being the fat one in the group. I feel embaressed of my looks. But all I  can  think about right now ishow good it would feel to eat a whole pint of ice cream.

I want my choices back

I have struggled with weight my entire life. I have looked at before and after photos and wondered,

What do I really look like under all this  fat? Am I going to change drastically?

I  still have 40 pounds to go to my long term goal of 145lbs. I want to keep going. I  want to know what it feels like to wear whatever I  want, to feel sexy with pair of jeans and  any old t shirt.

It makes me feel angry when I go to the dept. stores and have to spend so much money to find a decent looking outfit that FITS!!

I want to  walk into any store and be able to CHOOSE from avaritety of clothes.

I WANT MY CHOICES BACK!!!!!!! 

180's

I've done the first week of south beach. I am happy about the results. I'm just having the weirdest reaction. Like it's not real or something. I should be jumping for joy. I think I'm just so sick of this fat on my body. I just want it off. Maybe that slight disgust is what is keeping me on phase 1. This phase is hard,but today I found myself not wanting one of the smoothies at the gym because I know they have lots of sugar.

I'm usually all over those.

It's been a while

I haven't posted in some time. I have lost some weight since the last entry. I feel great. I think I'm really getting somewhere. I'm just so stressed about school, I know it's going to take a long time to get to my goal, but that's OK.

detox isn't going well

After the exhibition I felt so unhealthy I decided to go on a detox diet. But it's not working out. I've been avoiding the most chemicals Ican, but I can't aford organic stuff.

The society wants us poor people to stay fat off 25 CENT little debbie snacks. sO I GO TO the cafeteria at school and of course all they have are breads, no fresh stuff, no smoothies either. So the starbucks guy hears me ask for stuff and says that he has fruit smoothies. HE SAID FRUIT NOT SYRUP!!!!

Well I just paid 5$ for syrup with ice. I was so pissed but i had already ordered it, so I ate it.

THen I feel so bad I buy chips and soda. I'll really try to do better next time.

FAT CELLS SUCK !!!!!

Well I haven't lost any pounds but I haven't been eating right either.

I went to the bodies exhibition and of course they had a fat ass dead woman as the example of obesity. She wasn't half as fat as I am. I just pictured my dead body at this point all sliced up and on display. I wanted to vomit.

I am going to start again. I fell off the motivation wagon but I'm getting back on allbeit dragging my feet.

I looked at swimkatts blog. she is doing great. She went from 252 to almost 145 already. I really pray that one day I could get to that weight. That is my ultimat goal weight 145.

haven't blogged in a while

Hey everyone,

I have been so overwhelmed by school I haven't been able to blog. I did lose some poundage though, yeay. I been feeling a little down lately. Kind of like I'm never going to see 180 let alone 170 on the scale. I really want to get to 170 by August.

But I'm in the i90's already. I just have to keep going.

Back from VACA

Officially back in the real world. Florida was awesome. I want to move there. If it wasn't so hot in the summer. But I do want to leave the city.

I did gain 4lbs. so I'm back to 199lbs. But I thought it would be worse. Food on vacation is hard to handle, especially when a fuit cup is like  6 dollars. Come on.

I am going to include these pounds on the tracker. Because the reality is that they are there and I can't pretend like they aren't. I just have to jump back on the saddle. I did fit into a size 14 skirt I haven't worn in a while so I'm not too disappointed.

Hope all of you had an awesome spring break.

Back from VACA

Officially back in the real world. Florida was awesome. I want to move there. If it wasn't so hot in the summer. But I do want to leave the city.

I did gain 4lbs. so I'm back to 199lbs. But I thought it would be worse. Food on vacation is hard to handle, especially when a fuit cup is like  6 dollars. Come on.

I am going to include these pounds on the tracker. Because the reality is that they are there and I can't pretend like they aren't. I just have to jump back on the saddle. I did fit into a size 14 skirt I haven't worn in a while so I'm not too disappointed.

Hope all of you had an awesome spring break.