speeding toward the wall
Life is a blur. I feel like so much happens every day that I could write a book of memoirs each week. Sometimes I feel like I am running way too fast, and I am missing big moments. I can't stop to smell the roses. I can't contemplate the way that bugs survive in the big world. I can't watch the sunset every night. I can't laugh with strangers as they try to control their overeager puppies during evening walks. I don't have time to do any of these things anymore. All of my freetime is spent trying to dissect my emotions and get past them so I can make some rational decisions.
Basicall, life s.t.i.n.k.s. right now. I promise you, I am NOT a pessimistic person. It's been hard to be stuck in a negative mood in my head all the time. And this week isn't going to be any easier.
Mom called on Sunday to tell me my stepbrother had died the night before. He was 27.
I was still on the plane-I'd taken a weekend to get out of town and relax, and it was wonderful. In an instant, all the resting I had done didn't matter. I cried and cried when she told me. You never expect something like that to happen in your own family. I grieve for my stepfather, who's lost a son he wishes he knew better. I grieve for my other stepbrother, who hates that he couldn't save his brother. I grieve for the woman who watched helplessly as her boyfriend stopped breathing and his life ended. I grieve over all of the missed opportunities-the phone calls I never made just to say hi, the cards that were written but never mailed (I never have stamps!), the times when I was too scared of rejection to extend the invitation to partake in a deeper relationship with each other. My heart aches because, as far as I know, my stepbrother did not have a restored relationshp with God. And it's too late to build into my relationshp with him, to dialogue more with him about the most important thing-seeing himself in light of God. Tomorrow is the wake, and Friday is the funeral. It's going to be such a long weekend...
Needless to say, the diet stuff is on hold for now. I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks. I haven't weighed myself in a while either. I'm just trying to survive right now.