a long post...
I’m in a grumpy mood.
Ew, I hate it when I’m grumpy! But I don’t feel like putting in the effort it would take to snap out of it. That is just sooo sad.
I have a follow-up appointment with my physician tomorrow. I see him once a month while he prescribes my Phentermine. No visit, no new monthly supply. Also monitoring the blood pressure, which was just a tad on the high side, but is a bit lower now. So…I go. He’s a nice guy and I enjoy seeing him. I think I might be in trouble when I go tomorrow though. I haven’t really lost much weight in the last month. I didn’t take my Phentermine every day, and I definitely ate like crap for a good portion of the month. I busted my knee in there, so I couldn’t go to the gym for a while, and then I was just too lazy to go to the gym. Man, I’m a loser. My schedule is really full, and one of the first things I take out of it when I’m in a crunch is the gym. I also take out shopping for and cooking fresh produce and replace it with bad-for-you foods. I entertained for several weekends, which means I cooked a lot and baked a lot (what can I say? I’m really good at both and my friends really appreciate it!). All that adds up to a mediocre weight loss, at best. I know I’ll be reprimanded tomorrow…but I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. (on a totally random side-note: that phrase always reminds me of my mother. The woman will NOT get into an unmade bed. It could be 2 in the morning, if no one ever made the bed in the morning, she will make it, tuck the sides in and all, before she can go to sleep. Me, I think I might be able to sleep standing up. I can sleep anywhere. She cracks me up!)
In other news, I think I have a battle ahead of me. It’s a battle with myself. Sometimes I get stuck inside my head, and my thoughts swirl all together and I know they are irrational, but I can’t make them stop. It’s really easy for me to get stuck in my head, and it’s really hard for me to find my way out. I feel myself going there. All of my friends are getting married. I am NOT jealous. I am very excited for them all. It just reminds me of how much I desire that level of companionship. I don’t want what they have with their significant others—I want what is coming to me, and I want it to happen soon. I am fighting with myself not to get stuck in my head about why I don’t have it yet, and if I’ll ever have it at all. I hate that I want/need people so much, but I love it at the same time. I can’t imagine not having such intensity in my life. God and people are my passions. I know I put too much trust in people sometimes, and it’s misplaced. I am supposed to be trusting God to work out the details with the people. It’s difficult for me because I understand the way people love me. They are able to express that in tangible ways. Right now, my understanding of God’s love is very intellectual. It will not be tangible until we are with Him and have our glorified selves. I am so feelings-oriented that it is hard to fully comprehend God’s love on an intellectual level. I definitely believe He loves me, and I’m not giving up in my quest to understand His love better. It’s just hard for me. I think I may be learning some discipline through it though. God has given me some really fabulous friends, people who have taken the time to know me in a most intimate way. I need to be careful not to push them all away as they enter this new phase in life, the part where they prepare for and begin a sacred marriage. I am confident that most of them will still be my very good friends even when they are married and they won’t let me fall to the wayside. I just need to remind myself of this on a very regular basis.
On another depressing note, I had a very sad conversation with my very beautiful, very long and thin roommate. She has attention from guys at all times. She always has a guy interested in pursuing a relationship with her. She has this great boyfriend, and I really enjoy him. (did I mention she eats like a horse? All junk food, and a lot of it…and I don’t know where it goes cuz she has no meat on her body) So, she mentioned to me about how guys are going to be all interested in me in a few months because they will start to notice how beautiful I am. She’s right. I’ve thought the very same thing before, and the thought is just soooo offensive to me! Do those guys know how that makes me feel??? Who I am on the inside isn’t good enough if it doesn’t come in a gorgeous package. I am so hurt just thinking about it. There is a particular man that I was interested in a while back. The roomie asked me what I would do if, in several months when I was thinner, he decided that now he wanted to date me. I know that I would be skeptical of how genuine he was in liking me for me. I would probably tell him about how hurtful it is from my perspective, and he’d probably have to prove that it wasn’t because I was beautiful and a great person, but that I am a great person in general. And I’m still not sure that I would ever be fully convinced. That guy and I had many intimate conversations. He let me into his world, he learned how to relax around me, he sought me out when he needed to be lifted up. Our future ministry goals would mesh together so well, and he can see that. We have a TON of fun together. But he won’t date me. If, all of a sudden he changed his mind and wanted to date me, I would think it was fake and temporary and his desires were primarily dependent on the way I look physically. Are there any men (or women) out there who can explain this to me??? And how do I get over it? I’m just so turned off by men in general because they have such potential to hurt me, and yet what I really want is to find the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. And then my boss asks me if I have a boyfriend and tries to tell me ways to get my man friends to be more-than-friends to me. Yeah, thanks a lot. Now my other precious roommate has a new boyfriend, a guy that’s not even good enough for her, and I’m totally sad about it because it means that I have to share her with him. I am really selfish, aren’t I? It wouldn’t be so hard for me to share if I liked the guy, but I don’t really prefer him, and I question his integrity, and she is way too good for that. She’s aware of my reservations, and she is the one who is in the relationship with him and has to deal with all of it, and I trust her. I just love her so darn much that I don’t want her to waste her time and get her heart strings all involved.
Huh. I just realized this post is A) REALLY long and B) Highly personal! I think I should stop before I say too much. I’m sure someone can appreciate some of what I wrote here. Nite y’all.