Life. Is. Crazy.

Life. Is. Crazy.

I've done a lot of personal reflecting since going home for my brother's funeral.  I've decided that I don't want to run at this pace anymore.  Before, I thought I should push ahead as hard as I could to accomplish my goals while I was younger, then I could enjoy myself.  Now, I've realized that I am not garaunteed to make it to the end to see those goals met, and I need to enjoy the journey just as much as I'll enjoy the end.  So, I'm meeting my current obligations, and I'm beginning to reacquaint myself with the things that have more meaning to me.

What am I going to do differently?

Less school-I'm going down to one class, at least for just a semester.  I need to focus on rejuvination, and that takes time.  The time has to come from somewhere, right?

Career moves-I'm not as happy as I could be at my job, so I've been pursuing other jobs in the same type of field.  I've interviewed with a place I would really like to work for, and I hope to hear something soon.  (I also have it on good authority that the job is mine)

Physical development-One of the things I need more time for is the gym!  I really miss that place.  I haven't been there since my brother died.  I've been trying to catch up on my regular life and stay on top of things.  I have only gained back 5 pounds, which is good.  I can't wait to get back to losing weight and feeling great about my physical accomplishments.  I'll also have more time to cook, instead of getting "convenience" foods.  I also plan to get lots more sleep!  MMM...I'm planning on investing in some new pillows after the holidays.

Spiritual development-I've found a great new church and I look forward to cultivating the relationships with these new friends and really being involved in the ministry there.  I feel more pursued, more desired, more accepted, more agape loved at this church after 6 weeks than I felt after 6 months at my previous church.  I do miss seeing a few people from the old church, but I know this is a better place for me.

I really look forward to putting all of this into action.  I am approximately 4 days away from being able to do some of these things.  If I can just make it through those few days, I will be ready to go. 

speeding toward the wall

Life is a blur.  I feel like so much happens every day that I could write a book of memoirs each week.  Sometimes I feel like I am running way too fast, and I am missing big moments.  I can't stop to smell the roses.  I can't contemplate the way that bugs survive in the big world.  I can't watch the sunset every night.  I can't laugh with strangers as they try to control their overeager puppies during evening walks.  I don't have time to do any of these things anymore.  All of my freetime is spent trying to dissect my emotions and get past them so I can make some rational decisions.

Basicall, life s.t.i.n.k.s. right now.  I promise you, I am NOT a pessimistic person.  It's been hard to be stuck in a negative mood in my head all the time.  And this week isn't going to be any easier.

Mom called on Sunday to tell me my stepbrother had died the night before.  He was 27. 

I was still on the plane-I'd taken a weekend to get out of town and relax, and it was wonderful.  In an instant, all the resting I had done didn't matter.  I cried and cried when she told me.  You never expect something like that to happen in your own family.  I grieve for my stepfather, who's lost a son he wishes he knew better.  I grieve for my other stepbrother, who hates that he couldn't save his brother.  I grieve for the woman who watched helplessly as her boyfriend stopped breathing and his life ended.  I grieve over all of the missed opportunities-the phone calls I never made just to say hi, the cards that were written but never mailed (I never have stamps!), the times when I was too scared of rejection to extend the invitation to partake in a deeper relationship with each other.  My heart aches because, as far as I know, my stepbrother did not have a restored relationshp with God.  And it's too late to build into my relationshp with him, to dialogue more with him about the most important thing-seeing himself in light of God.  Tomorrow is the wake, and Friday is the funeral.  It's going to be such a long weekend...

Needless to say, the diet stuff is on hold for now.  I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks.  I haven't weighed myself in a while either.  I'm just trying to survive right now.

i'm the tortoise!!!

Slow and steady wins the race...

If you look at my weight loss, you see that it's moving kinda slow. 

BUT...

It's moving in the right direction!  And I am encouraged.  I'm also excited because I do not currently have any knee issues, any flu issues, any pink eye issues, and I even have a little time!  And so...I can actually go to the gym!  I am excited about taking a swim tomorrow afternoon.  I plan to pray my way through my laps.  I will think on an attribute of God for each leg of the pool.  I think I'll save the really cool ones for the end, when the laps take longer, so I have more time to ponder. 

In other news, I'm still a little jaded about the roommate's new boyfriend.  I think it's getting a little better, but I'm still not totally thrilled or impressed.  I'm trying to be patient with him, but boy does he test me!!!  I know that it is going take him longer to let me get to know him, but I do see that he is trying a little bit.  So, there's some hope there.

I'm super excited that it's the weekend, y'all!!!  I have some lunch plans for Friday and Saturday, and I've scheduled plenty of downtime for relaxing and studying.  I'm just so glad I made it through the week, and I'm thankful for the life that I do have.  It really is a good life, hard at times, but good.  God is definitely taking care of me and providing the finances, the people, the determination, the patience, the peace that I need.  I cannot imagine my life without Him. 

a long post...

I’m in a grumpy mood.

Ew, I hate it when I’m grumpy!  But I don’t feel like putting in the effort it would take to snap out of it.  That is just sooo sad.

I have a follow-up appointment with my physician tomorrow.  I see him once a month while he prescribes my Phentermine.  No visit, no new monthly supply.  Also monitoring the blood pressure, which was just a tad on the high side, but is a bit lower now.  So…I go.  He’s a nice guy and I enjoy seeing him.  I think I might be in trouble when I go tomorrow though.  I haven’t really lost much weight in the last month.  I didn’t take my Phentermine every day, and I definitely ate like crap for a good portion of the month.  I busted my knee in there, so I couldn’t go to the gym for a while, and then I was just too lazy to go to the gym.  Man, I’m a loser.  My schedule is really full, and one of the first things I take out of it when I’m in a crunch is the gym.  I also take out shopping for and cooking fresh produce and replace it with bad-for-you foods.  I entertained for several weekends, which means I cooked a lot and baked a lot (what can I say?  I’m really good at both and my friends really appreciate it!).  All that adds up to a mediocre weight loss, at best.   I know I’ll be reprimanded tomorrow…but I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it.  (on a totally random side-note: that phrase always reminds me of my mother.  The woman will NOT get into an unmade bed.  It could be 2 in the morning, if no one ever made the bed in the morning, she will make it, tuck the sides in and all, before she can go to sleep.  Me, I think I might be able to sleep standing up.  I can sleep anywhere.  She cracks me up!)

In other news, I think I have a battle ahead of me.  It’s a battle with myself.  Sometimes I get stuck inside my head, and my thoughts swirl all together and I know they are irrational, but I can’t make them stop.  It’s really easy for me to get stuck in my head, and it’s really hard for me to find my way out.  I feel myself going there.  All of my friends are getting married.  I am NOT jealous.  I am very excited for them all.  It just reminds me of how much I desire that level of companionship.  I don’t want what they have with their significant others—I want what is coming to me, and I want it to happen soon.  I am fighting with myself not to get stuck in my head about why I don’t have it yet, and if I’ll ever have it at all.  I hate that I want/need people so much, but I love it at the same time.  I can’t imagine not having such intensity in my life.  God and people are my passions.  I know I put too much trust in people sometimes, and it’s misplaced.  I am supposed to be trusting God to work out the details with the people.  It’s difficult for me because I understand the way people love me.  They are able to express that in tangible ways.  Right now, my understanding of God’s love is very intellectual.  It will not be tangible until we are with Him and have our glorified selves.  I am so feelings-oriented that it is hard to fully comprehend God’s love on an intellectual level.  I definitely believe He loves me, and I’m not giving up in my quest to understand His love better.  It’s just hard for me.  I think I may be learning some discipline through it though.  God has given me some really fabulous friends, people who have taken the time to know me in a most intimate way.  I need to be careful not to push them all away as they enter this new phase in life, the part where they prepare for and begin a sacred marriage.  I am confident that most of them will still be my very good friends even when they are married and they won’t let me fall to the wayside.  I just need to remind myself of this on a very regular basis. 

On another depressing note, I had a very sad conversation with my very beautiful, very long and thin roommate.  She has attention from guys at all times.  She always has a guy interested in pursuing a relationship with her.  She has this great boyfriend, and I really enjoy him.  (did I mention she eats like a horse?  All junk food, and a lot of it…and I don’t know where it goes cuz she has no meat on her body)  So, she mentioned to me about how guys are going to be all interested in me in a few months because they will start to notice how beautiful I am.  She’s right.  I’ve thought the very same thing before, and the thought is just soooo offensive to me!  Do those guys know how that makes me feel???  Who I am on the inside isn’t good enough if it doesn’t come in a gorgeous package.  I am so hurt just thinking about it.  There is a particular man that I was interested in a while back.  The roomie asked me what I would do if, in several months when I was thinner, he decided that now he wanted to date me.  I know that I would be skeptical of how genuine he was in liking me for me.  I would probably tell him about how hurtful it is from my perspective, and he’d probably have to prove that it wasn’t because I was beautiful and a great person, but that I am a great person in general.  And I’m still not sure that I would ever be fully convinced.  That guy and I had many intimate conversations.  He let me into his world, he learned how to relax around me, he sought me out when he needed to be lifted up.  Our future ministry goals would mesh together so well, and he can see that.  We have a TON of fun together.  But he won’t date me.  If, all of a sudden he changed his mind and wanted to date me, I would think it was fake and temporary and his desires were primarily dependent on the way I look physically.  Are there any men (or women) out there who can explain this to me???  And how do I get over it?  I’m just so turned off by men in general because they have such potential to hurt me, and yet what I really want is to find the man that I will spend the rest of my life with.  And then my boss asks me if I have a boyfriend and tries to tell me ways to get my man friends to be more-than-friends to me.  Yeah, thanks a lot.  Now my other precious roommate has a new boyfriend, a guy that’s not even good enough for her, and I’m totally sad about it because it means that I have to share her with him.  I am really selfish, aren’t I?  It wouldn’t be so hard for me to share if I liked the guy, but I don’t really prefer him, and I question his integrity, and she is way too good for that.  She’s aware of my reservations, and she is the one who is in the relationship with him and has to deal with all of it, and I trust her.  I just love her so darn much that I don’t want her to waste her time and get her heart strings all involved. 

Huh.  I just realized this post is A) REALLY long and B) Highly personal!  I think I should stop before I say too much.  I’m sure someone can appreciate some of what I wrote here.  Nite y’all.

Belt Loops

I could really use some pants with belt loops right now!  I don't really like wearing belts, so it was never a big deal if my pants had the loops or not...well, start losing weight and suddenly it matters!  I can't afford to buy new pants every few weeks.  I'm going to look a little less fashionable for a few months as I lose weight and wear too-big  clothes.  Luckily, I did save some clothes from a couple years ago when I was a smaller size, so I do have some things that fit right.

In other news, I'm really tired.  Went into the office really early today.  Tomorrow is going to be a ridiculously long day as well...the good news is that it's a short week since yesterday was a holiday! 

Girlie Movies

I was a TOTAL cheat today…but I started yesterday, and I was craving the usual: salt and chocolate.  I went to the fast food place that I like to visit sometimes, and…gasp…got chicken strips and fries instead of a salad.  Oops!  And I went to see The Lake House with some friends (loved it!!!) and I had some chocolate covered raisins.  I guess I could have done worse.  I did not eat all of the chocolate covered raisins (my mama taught me how to share!) and I got a small fries instead of the big one…I’m not making excuses.  I am acknowledging that I could have done much worse.  At least I showed some restraint!

I really liked the movie!  I sure am a sucker for those romances sometimes.  I liked that it was a purely unrealistic, but well-crafted love story where, in the end, I felt like they really were in love and not in lust.  It reminds me of some of the classic romance movies like Breakfast at Tiffany’s and An Affair to Remember.  <sigh>  I can’t wait until I feel that way!  I have dated enough to know that I don’t really want to date for the sake of dating anymore.  I’m holding out for that Godly, motivated, wonderful man.  I’m willing to wait for him (like I have a choice…God usually doesn’t consult with me before making plans for my life…but seriously, His plans are WAY better than mine anyway!).  I just hope he comes soon!  Until then…I am definitely okay with being single and independent.  It’s nice not to have to worry about someone else or consult with someone before booking a hair appointment…

One thing I do know: I will NOT put my life on hold until some man comes.  I met a woman who was in her 60’s and was still hoping to marry someday, and was telling people she was available if anyone knew of a good, Godly man for her.  She’s lived a full life, spent time overseas, made lots of adventures for herself.  And she’s happy.  I want that.  I look forward to the day where my husband can enjoy those adventures with me.  Until then, I will have to journal well so that he can experience them vicariously. 

My next adventure will be: Mexico.  I haven’t ever been on a vacation just to go see a place.  I’m always going to see some person or do some charitable work for someone.  Those things are GREAT…don’t get me wrong.  I’m just excited about going someplace beautiful where there is no agenda except to relax and enjoy myself.  Whew!  February can’t come fast enough!  Unfortunately, tomorrow is coming faster than I would like it to…time to go be productive.

Great Start!

I did it!  I lost 5.75 lbs this week!  It doesn't look like I lost weight, which isn't all that surprising since I have so much to lose.  I am hoping that the next week will be just as good.  I am surprised that I lost so much weight.  The phen has really helped me cut back on what I eat.  I'm still eating, and I'm still balancing my diet well and getting the essential vitamins, etc.  I am hoping I can squeeze in some working out this week...but I'm not holding my breath.  I leave next to visit a very good friend and stand in her wedding, and I have soooo much to do before I head up north for the week!  Oy!  But really, I'm just so excited to go visit with my friend!  She's just great and I love hanging out with her.  We always have all kinds of fun, and I get to laugh...ALOT!  Schoolwork is consuming all of my time until the trip.  I look forward to the end of August, when I get a 2 week break from school so I can get some rest.  Until then, I'll keep truckin' along.

The Rules

Rules.  Sometimes I don’t like to follow rules very much.  Now, generally speaking, I am fairly well organized and I hold myself to a high standard-you can see it in my grades (remember, I am back in school), in the work that I do, the things I am involved in at church, even the way I engage in conversation.  I want to be the best me that I can be.  The one area where I lack discipline is in taking care of my body.  I developed some really bad habits at a young age, and I haven’t been able to break them yet.  My mother…I love her so much!  But, she learned to stuff her face to avoid feelings, and I learned at a young age that you can manage your emotions by putting food in your mouth.  I’m not blaming my mother for my weight.  I have been aware of my tendency to stuff my feelings (and my face) with food for quite some time, and it has been my decision to continue with such behaviors.  I just know that food has been a big part of my family life for soooo long, and it’s really hard to break that cycle!  But I’m gonna do it this time!  I am tired of beginning the battle that is losing weight.  I want this to be my last beginning of the battle.  I want to be successful at shedding some pounds.  I need to be successful.  My body isn’t as resilient as it once was.  My health is starting to become impaired because of my weight.  My blood pressure is a little high.  I can’t run on pavement because it hurts my knees too much.  Every time I book a flight, I fear that I won’t fit in the seat.  I skipped the trip to the amusement park for the same reason.  I don’t want to live that way anymore.  I LOVE being outdoors, and I want to be able to hike in the Rockies .  I want to be able to take a kayaking trip.  I want to play Frisbee and football and enjoy myself instead of being self-conscious. 

So I’m doing something about it. 

I started taking Phentermine.  It was such a hard decision for me!  I don’t like the idea of taking medication unless you absolutely have to.  I prefer to manage pain, moods, etc. naturally if at all possible.  And I know I CAN lose weight without the medication.  In the end, I decided to give it a try to give me a boost in the beginning of the weight loss.  They say it takes around a month to make something a habit.  Well, I hope that within a month, my body will be adjusted to eating less and exercising more.  I am praying that the Phen will work and that I won’t have any weird side effects (so far, I’m doing okay!). 

I know that if I am going to be serious and committed to this weight loss, then I need to have a plan for myself and some rules.  And I need to FOLLOW THEM!!  Okay, so here are the rules:

1. Record EVERYTHING that is ingested!  I need to keep track of what I am actually eating, so I can track calories, carbs, etc.  and know what my triggers are. 

    

2. Get enough sleep!  It’s amazing how much better I do with everything else when I get several good nights of sleep in a row!  So…I need to go to bed earlier.

    

3. Stick to the schedule as much as possible!  Do your homework, clean the house, socialize when you’ve allotted time to do so.  Keeping the planned out schedule helps alleviate stress.

    

4. GO TO THE GYM!!!  Even if it’s only for a half hour, it’s better than not at all!  Let’s shoot for 3times a week, maybe 4.  (and it is permissible to ride the bike outside in lieu of the gym-once it’s not 102 degrees outside like it is now!)

    

5. Attend to your spiritual needs!  It is crucial to have that healthy relationship with God and to spend time with Him daily through His word and prayer.

    

I CAN DO THIS!!! 

So, what might get in the way of me following these rules and attaining my goal?

~My busy schedule. work and school take up practically ALL of my time.  I’ll need to work very hard to get other things in, like cooking meals instead of getting fast food, and going to the gym.

~I love my friends!  It’s gonna be hard to turn down the chance to see them so I can go to bed early or go to the gym.  I won’t turn them down all the time, but I’m going to have to spend a little bit less time on them so I can spend a little more time on bettering myself…makes me sad though…  L

~I have this love affair with food  I like food.  I like cooking it.  I like tasting it.  I like eating.  I’m good at eating.  That’s how I got to where I am.  I’ll have to learn to like my health, my sexy new size better than I like the food.  I think this one will get easier as I start to see results (I hope so anyway!)

~I need more discipline!  I need to be serious over the next 4-6 weeks about developing new habits to replace the old ones I’m getting rid of…

Well folks, this is the point of no return.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  And it’s a race.  No hesitation.  I just need to do it and make it work.  So…here I go…I’m divin’ in!

And so it begins...

I've actually started.  I began to take Phentermine yesterday, and let me tell you, it definitely suppressed my appetite!  I ate only half of what I usually eat.  It didn't give me any boost of energy though, which was a little disappointing.  I could've used it!  I work full time and I'm also in graduate school full time.  That doesn't leave much time for anything else.  In fact, it's one of my biggest challenges.  I find it so difficult to get to the gym because there just aren't enough hours in the day!  I am hoping my life will settle down in a few weeks and I'll have a little more free time.  In the meantime, I am definitely going to focus on developing new eating habits.  Tomorrow, I plan to sit down and plan out all my meals for the week so I can go grocery shopping.  We'll see how it goes!

This is the beginning and I have a loooong way to go.  When it's all said and done, I'll have lost (I hope) 152 pounds-that's a whole person!!!  I know it's going to be difficult, and it's going to take a lot of discipline, but I really am committed to do this for myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to have more fun.  I want to be dang sexy!  Haha.  Wish me luck, y'all!