The eve of day 1

I am a 22 year old woman and mother of one. I wish I could say that this is baby weight and I must say it's a convenient excuse but I have struggled with my weight literally my entire life. My highest weight was 260 lbs. that was my 15th birthday. I immediately started being more conscious of what I was eating. I have hovered between 200-220 lbs. ever since. I am a compulsive closet eater. For years know I have struggled and fought with myself on a daily basis. Every day I intend on starting a diet, I slip; it could be something as simple as honey roasted rather than raw almond. I feel as if I've ruined everything, I feel horrible. Then I binge. In pain and hating myself I fall asleep to start it all the next day. I know how to lose weight. I have studied and tested it religiously most of my life. I have lacked the will power to follow through and do something for more than a few days. I have never in all those years stayed on a diet for even a week. I have lost 10 pounds in less than a week and celebrated by eating Wendy's. I jog/ run a few times a week. I can work out harder than most people I know. I should look like a triathlete but I binge, I eat until it hurt. I keep telling myself I'm really going to try. I actually do the BEST I can. I am writing this and trying this because I need to know I'm not alone. No one else in my life has the issues with weight and food that I do. I am tired of hiding. Of pretending. Of putting things off. I just want to be happy. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to spend all my energy obsessing about something as trivial as food.