3 Years? Really?

Goodbye 240s!

Goodbye 240's hello 230s! It was a really good week back on plan and still feeling a motivational high coming off of last week because the scale has been going down and I've been eating on plan despite some of the situations that I could have caved last week and weekend. I've now been on atkins for 8 weeks, losing 19.2lbs so far, that’s about 2.4lbs/week. Not bad. And that average includes about a 1.5-2 week haitus off plan. At 2.5lbs/week that puts me at losing another 17.5lbs before vacation. Not quite where I want to be, but better than where I was before. Besides there's life after vacation and I would like to continue my weightloss afterwards. In general life has been a bit stressul, at work and my personal life so I just need to hang on and plow through it and I'll be fine.

Trucking Along

Everything going really well this week. I've been on plan since Monday. And made a kick ass greek salad with my own homemade dressing last night which DH loved as well, so its not hard to stay on plan when your eating tasty food! And tonight I'm going to dinner with colleagues to an italian spot, I checked out the menu online and have many non-pasta choices. Eating out is one of the easiest things on atkins IMO. Because your just order a steak or chicken. The only real hard part with atkins is snacks, most of atkins you have to have a cooked meal, there is nothing quick. Maybe that’s a good thing for me. Next week is going to be a tough week at work, so hopefully I can just plow through it and stay on plan!

The slippery slope continues…

I've been off and on program for almost 2 weeks now almost daily (On one day, off the next and so on). I've been shuffling around 2 lbs up and down during this time. So not entirely gaining much back but definitely not losing! I'm back on plan today and trying to stay on. I'm really struggling and for some reason losing my motivation. I think a part of me is disappointed on what I could've lost in those 2 weeks and thinking I'm not going to be anywhere near I want to be by vacation time (10june) so why bother and sacrifice. Even though I know I'll be miserable, but there's that nagging issue. The "fat infection" that keeps me fat, where my brain seems to find every excuse to be off program. It's like the angel and the devil on my shoulders, one justifying every reason to go off plan and the other yelling "what are you doing? Get back on plan!". And sometimes one yells louder than the other. *sigh* A part of me feels that even though summer weather isnt quite here (at least not for chicago) summer clothes are. Which gives me more anxiety! Sometimes I wonder "Do I really want this?" Because I seem to do everything to work against reaching my goal. My fear is that I'll just be like this forever and someday reach 300lbs and be in the same boat and asking "how did I get here?" The same question I asked myself at 207, 220 and 250. I just need to understand this will never end. I tried to convince myself at 207 that if I just maintained this weight and could eat the same way I'd be fine with that. Then 250 rolled around. It's just never going to end I will keep climbing the scale until I gain some control. I'm just miserable anyways when I'm off plan, I tend to feel better when on plan and my life "magically" gains order when I'm on plan. Its weird. I think when I'm off plan, its like drugs, I'm happy for the moment I give in and have what I want and miserable afterwards. Ugh… I really shouldn’t be blogging I have so much work to do, but I feel like I cant even concentrate because this is weighing on my mind. I think writing it out has helped get it off my chest so I can move on and get other things done!

Slippery Slope

I'm sliding down a slippery slope. So as much as I truly did not feel guilty on Sunday for the slice of pie, all those positive feelings were too good to be true. It all caught up with me Monday and I'm still slipping into today. I can't seem to get a grip. I need to get back on track fast before I gain what I've lost so far!!! *sigh* This sucks. I guess this is really my first F-up in a month, which is pretty good for me. I barely lasted even a week on any plan in the last YEAR! Sometimes I can't believe its actually taken a year to STAY on a plan, any plan. I'm wondering if that sugar from the pie had anything to do with it, brought back cravings and messed with my blood sugar. Plus I reverted back to some excuses as well, the mental is worse than the cravings. Or maybe they are the same thing? I dunno. I really havent confessed this to DH either, he just knows about the pie and he saw the oatmeal out last night, I forgot to put away. I think a part of me wanted him to see it out as I need to stop this hiding habit I've picked up in the last year or so. And also to sort of "bust" myself officially and get back on plan. Ok I need to pull it together now….Feels good to get this off my chest.

Guilt? ...nah

So confession I cheated over the weekend. On Sunday was Greek Easter and I traditionally attend the festivities every year as my grade school friend is Greek. And I buckled during dessert time. I was good all through dinner, which mind you wasn’t difficult I was fine. Weird thing was I didn’t really feel guilty afterwards. I ate the slice of pumkin cream cheese pie I had my eye on from the beginning and was done. It was so worth it. But there was a weird change in me I felt. Was almost as if I enjoyed eating the pie but it didn’t consume me like I normally would be when I'm eating something not on plan or not on plan at all! I almost felt "normal" if that makes sense. I cant really put it into words. Was almost like in the past if I had once slice I would already being eyeing for a second or "something else", like if I was going to cheat it better be big! There was something in me that didn’t "need it", I didn’t even have to fight it. I had what I wanted and it was over just like that. Maybe that’s why I didn't fell guilty? I mentally just didn’t make a big deal out of it maybe that’s why it wasn’t a struggle not to gorge myself and therefore there was no guilt? Definitely not letting my guard down, but very interesting….and very inspiring that these mental food battles are subsiding and not as prevelant. As these mental food battles have definitely brought me to tears before. I'm sure you've all experienced this, its like the angel and the devil battled it out in your head, "Eat this! you're not supposed to have this! eat it! you'll make it up later! don’t eat it you'll pay for this later! You'll be back on plan tomorrow! You'll start again on Monday! Don't do it you'll ruin what you've lost already!" ugh..on and on and on. These types of thoughts have really slowed down in my head thankfully. I think the weightloss has helped "prove" to myself this is working and stick to it

Maj-Paj of Random Thoughts

Hmm…nothing new to report. Sticking to plan and lovin' it still. I do need to exercise more. I've been playing that dance revolution game on XBOX 360 but its pretty low impact at times. And I'm still learning how to play so it can be fustrating at times to play when I don't understand why I didn’t beat a level! LOL Work has been very busy, I'm trying to transition into my new role but I keep getting sucked back into my old role when major issues arise as they did this week and last. I can't wait until no one calls or emails me regarding anything to do with my old role! I've had a few other things on my mind like my ovarian cyst and will it go away? My next checkup is in June so we shall see. We need to sell our condo, we've dealing with that for over a year now. We took it off the market and will be back up in a week or two. I want to get into my house already!!! My family dog is being put to sleep today. He's either 13 or 14 years old, we had him since he was a pup and I will miss him. Besides these pestering issues, I'm in pretty good spirits. Can't wait for my vacation to Key West, my colleague just went down there today so I'll have to see how his trip went when he comes back. As much as I wish it was me leaving today, I want to lose more weight before we go. On a more serious topic I've been thinking a lot about religion and where I stand with this. I was raised Catholic and had a Catholic wedding over a year ago. I was having doubts then (my wedding) about my religion but thought it wasn’t the time to jump ship and change religions at the time as I still believed in God and Jesus and that whole bit. Nor did I have the time to investigate other areas of Christianity that might suit me better. But now has come a time in my life where I want to start a family and feeling pressure on myself to find a new sect within Christianity. I know my family (more aunts, uncles then my own parents and sister) will not approve(that might be a strong word, but they will not like it). And I feel like I would have to defend my choice. They would still accept me but I know they would not be happy about it. So I need to get out there any try a few places. I need a more modern church, I don't believe in a lot of the Catholic principles. Sorry to say but I don't even think Catholics who attend church every Sunday abide their own principles. So I guess it doesn’t make sense for me to be a part of something that doesn’t feel like its a part of me.

Are you kidding me Mariah?

Mariah Carey's weight loss….give me a fucken break. So instead of a 4 your a 3, or whatever the hell you are. And as an added bonus you can fit into your high school jeans!!! Oh but wait the icing on the cake…Mariah says women should not stress about their weight and body shape and except themselves for who they are. So I take it a size 4 was unbearable? She couldn’t accept herself at a size 4?? Dude I'll take a size 12 at this point, she's got issues if she thought she needed to lose weight. And then she wonders why women have issues accepting their size. Most of America cannot afford a 24/7 trainer and cook. I love Oprah. But shame on Oprah for having her on her show and discussing her weight loss, so the majority of women in America that watch your show can feel more depressed about their shape as we celebrate Mariahs new size 3 body. In the same token I don't advocate overweight celebreties (the 2 that exist) saying "accept your body". As I don't think the US should promote obesity as acceptance either. Just a "normal" healthy weight for your body type, height and age. I love those Glamour and Cosmo magazine covers "Jeans for every size! Takes off 10 pounds!" "How to love yourself for who you are!" "How to know if you have any eating disorder" "5 ways to have tighter abs!" "How to flatter your figure!" "How to lose 10lbs in 1 week!" Ugh..no wonder young girls are fucked up about body image with those kind of mixed messages, including myself! That’s all I have to say about that.

I dont want rice! And no I cant have a tortilla!

Life is boring right now. Not much happening....which is actually nice for once. Been working alot and staying OP. I did cheat and have a little rice at my FIL's house. But was literally 1/4 cup. I just love his rice. He just tells me the best diet is to just stop eating! (Meaning eat less). Sigh...if it were only that easy.

He's Iranian and doesnt really understand what low-carb means, and in my case virtually no-carbs on Atkins. But our conversation was quite funny and went like this. (reminded my of my big fat greek wedding, when the DBF doesnt eat meat and the mom says "ok i make u lamb" LOL

(on the phone) FIL: ok i'm making chicken, rice, salad. i also bought corn and broccoli.  Me: that sounds good, just don't make any rice for me and Ali. FIL: why not? Me: We are on low-carb and can't really have any carbs FIL: what are you going to eat then? Me: the chicken, veggies and salad FIL: this is stupid you guys should just eat less Me: i know but this is what we are doing for now FIL: ok I will just put a little rice then Me: we cant have any rice, dont waste it we won't eat it FIL: ok I have some tortillas here I will put them out for you guys ME: we can't have any carbs, tortillas have carbs. FIL: what are you going to eat then? ME: (laughing at this point) the chicken, salad and veggies. FIL: ok thats fine, but i have the tortillas here just in case you change your mind ME: ok (i gave up)  [end of call]

I show up at my FIL....what do i see on the table. Rice!!! UGH...and I love this rice. He's like I just made a little, you can cheat a little. So I just had "a little" LOL

anyhow.....

Walk This Way

I'm really considering walking to the train in the morning to get to work to get some exercise in. It’s a little under 2 miles. I've decided that if I'm not going to the gym I should at least try to get some intentional exercise in. I usually lose weight anyways without exercising so my brain has trouble getting motivated to do it. I think it will speed up my weightloss, but I've just never personally seen the difference to be quite honest. My SIL lost 50 lbs and works out religiously and said 85% of it is eating, something her personal trainer told her as well. Which doesn’t help me to know that, LOL. So I would like to try this, but I have 2 issues, number 1 as summer is approaching last thing I want to do is sweat before work. Secondly I could wear gym shoes and change shoes at work but I'm in my WORK clothes. (Work clothes are business casual clothes, I work in an office) That’s a lot of wear and tear on my pants, not so much my shirts. And us fat people know how hard it is to find clothes especially nice ones!! LOL Anyways, dilemmas, dilemmas...