So it wasn't all bad. I planned my points for today like a beast. I really wanted 2 pieces of pizza and 2 amaretto sours. I had them! I went 2 into my weekly points allowance, so that's only 2 for the week and the week ends Friday! So...even though I haven't exercised much at all this week, hopefully I'll still lose. The exercise thing will be hardcore next week, I swear.
Anyway, I didn't stray once! Not even bruschetta apps or tiramisu. I'm proud. But really freaking hungry right now! And also distracted by the fact that one of my jobs owes my money and I really, really need it. Working in the non profit world you need everything you can get. I did get a manicure today for $10 and it cheered me up.
I brought a male friend to the party and was saddened how much more secure I felt. Even though we're not a couple I felt safe to be in a pair. I really want to stand on my own. I should have been able to go by myself. When I was bowling I was sort of aware of my body and what it felt like and being watched but it wasn't too bad. I took care to look nice, even though I don't feel nice. It's a step.
So, I was planning to go to a kickboxing class tonight, a tough one that's a great workout. Instead I went to see a movie premiere with a friend from work. Though I felt guilty, I'm glad I made the choice.
There are Christmas parties and dinners galore before I weigh in on Saturday morning. I'm going to plan very, very carefully so I can have pizza and Amaretto Sours-my favourite drink!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like...WHEN IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN! But I didn't gain all this overnight. HAVE to remember that.
I also got inspired and bought Tamilee Webb's I want that Body DVD on Amazon. It got like 189 or so stellar reviews. That's good enough for me!
I ran away from people again today. Jesus. One of my old friends and his girlfriend. This has to stop.
On a better note, I sat and talked with one of roommates for a long while. She was talking about how much she hates being dumped-amen sister-and how she got through it by reconnecting with her girlfriends. That's something I need to do. Ultimately, if a man can't love me if I don't look a certain way all the time, he's not worth it. He's not. I'm going to say until I fully believe it. Anyway, roomie and I made plans to hang out on Friday night and I'm looking forward to it.
My breakup definitely affected the way I feel about my body now. I am only just starting to reclaim it as mine to take care of. I'm trying to focus on things about it that aren't just to do with weight-like playing with different face creams or a body scrub in the shower. Girly things that are pampering and make me feel good. I think I will get a manicure on Wednesday.
I didn't work out today, but I ate pretty healthy and stayed on points. Tommorow I will treat myself to cinnamon toast crunch. Yum. I deserve a treat.
So I tried to leave comments on people's journals and I can't! This is very upsetting. Basically they were a hello to glamourpuss and a little story about how my boyfriend of a year and a half left me 2 months ago-one of the reasons was my weight. So I was hoping alison 522 had a supportive husband. I wish my man had been more supportive, and not silently stewed for months. Can someone tell me how to leave comments! I did the thing where you write your username etc and comment and hit the button and nothing! Grrrr.
Well, yesterday I stayed on points and today I've finished them all for the day and it's 7:40pm. Which I suppose is a reasonable hour but I always get hungry after the gym, where I plan to go now-but I am determined to stick to the points. If you're not familiar with it I suggest looking at weighwatchers.com for an explanation. Probably better than one I could give on here.
So....a couple of years ago I looked a lot different. I would even say beautiful. More importantly, I didn't think about my weight at all-meaning it wasn't a barrier. And the people who knew me then knew me as a happy,confident person who was the life of the party. As my depression grew, from leaving school and moving from NY, so did my body. And now I have all new friends, because I'm so ashamed to see people from my old life and have them see me like this. Isn't that pathetic.
I actually went to brunch on Sunday and saw 3 girls I used to know. They were/are lovely people. But I was so scared I RAN out of the bar. It's so cringingly sad I can't believe I did it. But I did. My therapist and roommates understood. But it shames me. At least my therapist noticed a little weight loss, and she normally wouldn't bring it up but she knows it's important to me so we talk about looks a lot. I know that will be a long post in the near future-looks and all the drama that goes along with the pressure to look good when you want to be an entertainer.
But...at least I'm trying to work through it. I have to figure out how I'm going to get over it. So the positive thoughts for the day...I ate my points, I'm going grocery shopping and to the gym. I shall call a couple of friends I feel more comfortable seeing and try to reconnect. I'll watch a movie with my roomie. Get some nice sleep because I want to try my new coloured contacts at work tommorow and not have bags under my eyes.
An out of print book...but still available on amazon recommendation....Make the Connection by Oprah and Bob Greene. Some info is outdated but it really talks about the emotional side of eating and weight in a really accessible way.
I wrote a HUGE introduction and the computer ate it. I want to cry! So I suppose you'll get to know me as this goes along. I'm trying to lose 90lbs. I'm 26, and have no clue about what to do with my life. I know I want to entertain, but the weight is crippling me from taking the big risk. I've joined weight watchers, so I'll talk about that a bit. However, there'll be more to this than points and poiunds. This is the beginning of my weight loss journey, with some extra life thrown in.....welcome.
Mini Goal for the day-Gym, stay within 26 points range.
