got excited too soon

Ok....so that guy didn't call. So, I got depressed and didn't eat for a week and lost 6lbs. I wasn't happy about the way that happened, honestly.

Luckily, my eating is back to normal and I've probably regained some of what I lost but not all of it, which is totally fine. And to get over my feelings of rejection, I went out and had a one night stand with a guy at the local bar. It's so pathetic of me, but I really wanted the validation. Luckily he turned out to be sexy and not a jerk, but these days you never know and the whole thing was probably kind of dangerous.

Men are not the key to happiness. They never will be. I have to find it in myself.

new motivation

Well, I'm doing better on plan-even though the scale is staying pretty steady. It is my PMS week so gaining .6lb was ok. Our leader gave a motivational speech about how a number doesn't provide and it's a guidepost on a multi faceted journey. I try to remember that, and think about clothes fitting better.

Anyway...the new motivation comes from last night, where for the first time in almost a year I hooked up with a new guy! He's not really new, I knew him from before, but we have never got together. We just kissed and messed around a bit, I'm trying to not be like I used to. A slut, frankly, and giving it up the first night. Anyway, he was a really good kisser and I had a lot of fun. I hope he calls me but I'm not banking on it, plus I am leaving in two months. However, I'm getting these rush of feelings, like still feeling fat, and like how could he be attracted to me? Even though this weight loss journey has been for myself, started when I was single and I still am single...it's very motivating when you might be getting naked with someone! I should take this event as proof that I am still attractive, even if I don't look like I used to. Sigh.

Plateau

I haven't updated my log because I'm too sad to do it. But now I'm 187, and I can seem to get below 185. Today I had a big brunch but practically nothing afterwards and have worked out really hard. I've earned 16 activity points this week so far and my WW week starts on Saturday! I'm sure I can get the max recommended 28 by next Saturday. The challenge for me though is food. It's always been food. I love it so much. It makes me feel good.

It's the sad subtitute for lack of love and affection in my life. Hah, maybe I should find a boyfriend. No, seriously, I want to be happy with myself and enjoy food for the enjoyment of nourishing myself, not any pain I'm feeling. I wish I was getting better at running but I'm not really. Arrrrgh. I really think it's a mental block. It's ok, I'm going to be ok.

On a sort of unrelated note I REALLY need to clean my room. The mess is in represents how bad I feel about myself, it really does. I need to clean the clutter in all parts of my life.

Changes

Oh dear. I can't believe I let a month go by without posting. Thanks for the encouragement glamourpuss.

I haven't weighed myself in that time. I know I must be somewhat steady, I'm still a size 12.  I just bought the Best Life Diet book for some encouragment, though I'm still doing WW. I've recommitted starting today.

I did my first 5k, did I mention that? Finished in 45min, was almost last...had to run/walk it. At least I did it. I signed up for another one in August, goal is to run the whole thing. I really want to run the Ryka girls 5 mile in September as a last Boston hurrah because....I'm moving to London! Late September. Grad School and to pursue acting too. I'm scared out of my mind. This new development makes me want to be healthier than ever.

woo!

I ran outside for the first time! Granted it was in the dark and a miniscule distance to the gym. But this is real progress for me.

In bad news 1. I shouldn't weigh in before a whole week has passed. I missed it on Saturday and weighed in today not first thing in the morning. Ugh. 2. My therapist is quitting, I'm devastated because she is so amazing. She's been there through some really tough times. I want to do something special for her. At least I have a while to think about it. 6 weeks notice...that's nice.

It's 5:08am

I am exhausted and have been getting no sleep, which I know is a huge barrier to weight loss. I have also been thinking about my ex and feeling sad, but thankfully not eating. I did sleep in this morning and missed weigh in. This is not good. I want to go on Monday.

I'm not being a perfect Vegan, but have reduced dependency on cheese,eggs and dairy so far this month, which was a mini goal.

I'm also stuck running barely 2 miles at 5.2mph on the treadmill. I need to grow some balls and run outside, and not be afraid of what people think.

I do miss having love in my life...but I need self love first.

two weeks..

So I've been 90% vegan. Which is good so far....err Rome wasn't built in a day and whatnot!

I have lost 2lbs, which puts me back at my lowest before I fell off the wagon. So, it's a new beginning. And I can run for 20min straight..almost 2 miles. Yes, I'm super slow, but at least I can do it.

I had a fun Saturday, I went to the bar and remembered what it was like to flirt. But it was with the roomate.....bad.....I don't know why I'm such a masochist. I mean we both flirt with each other when we're drunk but he can't be that into me really. I need to focus my attentions on issues and people that are worth it. I wish I didnt have such a fragile heart, it shatters at the slightest thing .That's probably why I lock it up as much as I can..and then booze will sometimes open up the lock. This is why I rarely drink.

My Vegan Month

Hello friends,

I've been gone for a while I know. I'm still exercising but haven't been back to weight watchers in a while. I know that's a bad decision, I just really don't want to know the numbers right now. I know that I'm maintaining because my pants are still loose. I actually bought a pair of wide leg size 12 from the Gap which fit, not super comfy but they fit without me looking like a total sausage. Yay! I know I'll feel good when I hit an 8, that's about 20lbs away and something I can live with, even though that's not my ultimate goal and I'll still be working.

I can still only run 1.7 miles! Grrr. Need to break the 2 mile barrier. But back to the title, I'm a vegetarian already but I feel like I rely too much on cheese. So, I'm being vegan for one month. No cheese, eggs, milk/dairy products. Obviously no meat. Today is day 1. I feel ok so far. I think I'll be ok for 3 days and then suddenly have a huge craving but I can do it! This isn't so much related to weight loss-well it is, but really for the health benefits. I sometimes wonder if the high fat content of my diet makes me depression worse. I guess we'll see about everything.

I just got back from a teeth cleaning. It hurt! My goal is become a non teeth bleeder, floss every day. I did get a new sonicare toothbrush today, wahoo!

memories

I'm now "running" at 5mph! Only for 8 min at a time on the couch to 5k program...but it's better than I've ever done before. So I can be happy about that, but I'm starving right now!

Also...when am I going to stop thinking about him? If it takes as long as the relationship was then I have a year to go. I really, really want to get to a place where I never feel the need to date anybody again. To just be happy with myself. I'm trying that now by working on my body so I'm proud of it again. I wish I could be proud of it now, that's it's in decent working order and I have all my limbs. I wish I could be a more grateful person in general!

I also found my lost Tamilee Webb DVD with the arm workout. That's good news, I really want to work those arms. Now it's way past my bedtime. I hope everyone is doing well my weight loss firends.

i'm back

Cramps from hell and general malaise had me off program for a week. I've missed 2 weigh ins now which is not good. I'm definitely going next week though.

In a couple of hours I'm going to the gym to start up my running again and I'm going to have a good week. I get paid on Thursday and it should be a lot because I racked up some overtime. Then I will by myself treats and the next size down. I think I can fit into 12s now, we'll see on Thursday!

This week I'm going to be positive, about everything in my life, as much as I can be.