I lost 1.5 lbs!  Miracles do happen, I guess.  Wasn't even going to weigh myself today, but had to weigh the dog, and that's the only way on our scale. What a surprise!  Kirby lost a half a pound this month, too!

 

How fun to see that graph go DOWN this time!                               

 

 

 

 

Plain old log.  Too distracted by life to think about my health at all.  Lots to say about my sweet boys though. 

 

Eric was already downstairs when I got up this morning.  He was sitting quietly on the couch crying.  I almost never see him so coherent and calm, and we were actually able to have a conversation. He's confused why he feels so bad about school.  He feels like he can't deal with it anymore.  It's so hard for him.  He wants to be in gen ed, and we want him to be, too.  Academically he's doing fine -- amazing really. But it's just too hard to keep trying so hard.  Too much noise and too many kids (thanks to the system for going from 3 to 2 teachers for 4th grade!)  22 kids last year to 36 this year.  Too much going on.  Too much pressure.  His spec ed teachers mostly just keep him focused, but I think they could be more gentle about it.  They really are kind and love him.  They do need to be no-nonsense and firm, but I wish they were able toat least soften their voices and not sound so brusque.  I'm trying to contact them this morning, but no answer so far.  They're busy getting kids off the bus now, but they'll call soon.  I want them to be gentle with him. I hope I can keep from crying.

 

Then there's my special, kind, brilliant, sensitive Scott.  An extraordinary young man who can be SO infuriating!  SO stupid and clueless and pig-headed!   AARGGHHH!  So out of it.  Not able to open his mind enough to re-form preconceptions into another framework.  Stubborn just isn't big enough a word to describe him.  So head-strong.  Exactly the trait that brought him such amazing progress  .With it comes excruciating diligence, but he keeps getting kicked in the ass no matter how hard he tries.

 

I think about what it must be like to be to be Scott in school.  At 13 he wants to be so independent.  No Spec Ed of any kind.  No special treatment.  I love that about him.  He might as well not get help from them anyway.  Nobody within the system has ever understood him. They weren't trying to be uncooperative -- at least I don't want to think they were -- but I could talk 'til I was blue in the face, and they couldn't or wouldn't give him what he needed.  He needed to learn how to compensate for his Asperger's and learning disabilities.  A lesser child would have been done for.  He's come so far wrt "pretending to be normal" and has assimilated so much of what he's learned -- from how to tell the difference between a happy and sad face to where to keep his school papers

 

I just emailed two of his teachers who seem to care and want to understand him. They are smart and insightful.  I want to sit down with them to brainstorm something -- anything -- I can do for him before he downright fails at school.  They sound almost excited to help      Yay!

 

I think about what it much be like to be Scott doing a school project. First of all, he has to understand the assignment.  No.  First he has to realize there IS an assignment, to get the directions, to remember to bring the directions home, to remember in the midst of all the distractions at home that he needs to work on it. He knows he read the directions carefully this time -- 3 times!  He knows without question exactly what he needs to do.  He commits himself to endure whatever frustration is ahead of him.  He already knows every step will be a challenge -- organizing, reading, stretching that stupid working memory enough to plan, thinking "linearly" enough to put things into words, using words that say what he actually means to say.  Spelling, grammar, punctuation. So much to remember!  Writing legibly, since he can't believe it's OK to type his school work.  Listening to endless directions from his parents.  Knowing we're struggling to keep our cool.  Not understanding our anger.  Then the time factors.  Sometimes working 10 or 12 hours a day for days on end, knowing other kids finished the work in a few hours.  Giving up his weekend.  Finally finishing on time!  Celebrate!  Being so proud of himself that he persevered. Remembering to hand in his awesome project.... 

I don't know how he can stand it.  It breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do.  Something has to give, because none of us can keep this up.  And things keep getting worse every year.  My sweet Scott's just in 8th grade, and he will fail school if we can't change this path he's on.  Meanwhile we watch Eric backslide while we make him stay quiet and not try to interact with his brother or whichever parent is on "Scott duty"   Hour after hour of stress during homework time, which is most of his home time.  We can't let Eric retreat into autistic la la land.

 

Where to turn.  Who can help?  What to do..what to do...what to do... No answers.

 

My mind is not on eating healthy.

 

PLEASE  PLEASE!  If anybody reads this, please don't tell me everything will just work itself out. And don't tell me I need to remember to take care of myself. Obviously.  I know I should.  But people pointing it out only reminds me of yet one more essential thing I need to do.  I'm doing what I can.

 

Today I'm blogging.  Getting my rant out in black and white to help me get on with my day.  I can't think about anything more. 

 

 

 

I just spent the past hour reading and writing msgs to other bloggers.  Now I'm all written out!!!      Still working on getting motivated.  Just realized this morning that I'm literally carrying another full-sized person around with me!!  How could that fact have escaped me?  We would each weigh aroung 120 lbs, but she would be made totally of fat and be all floppy and really really ugly! 

 

Weird realization.  Somewhat motivating, but in a punishing sense, which is no good.  I'll re-frame my vision:  I see myself emerging like a light from within a cocoon of dead weight;  the fat dissolving around me, freeing my true core of health and vitality;  my body gaining energy as I move with new-found ease through my day.

 

Wish that didn't sound so smarmy, but who cares?  The vision feels so good.  So peaceful.   I'm going to go meditate on it.                      

 

 

 

 

I'm really not into this health thing any more.      

Waiting for inspiration.  Hoping if I still log in here, I'll keep it in mind and will catch some eventually.  Kind of good I have to weigh Kirby (my dog) every week for a while.  That means I have to weigh myself, too, so I can't completely lose touch with my body. 

 

       

 

 

 

Again, a miracle I haven't gained weight, but....   Wish I had the ooomph to focus on diet & exercise more.  The fact that I'm still blogging here is something.  My intentions haven't gone away completely!

 

On the hopeful side, the new meds seem to be working better.  Not as huge a deal to get off my butt and do something--ANYthing--compared to a couple of weeks ago.  When depression lifts, there's hope. 

 

My mantra for this week:

 

"IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID --

          YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT."

 

 

 

I'm watching a Dr. Oz to try to pep up my motivation.  Scott's home sick today, and I'm using it as an excuse to not do anything.  That stops now.  Check e-mail, shower, meditate, find release form.  Healthy lunch.  Go out: drop off form, go to acset ctr.  Hopefully get back in time to get Eric off the bus.  Fix good dinner.  Hubby doesn't have energy to cook healthy food.  Happy. Focussed. Productive. Calm.  I'm gonna go for it!!! 

OK.  I've fulfilled my 1st goal of the day -- my blog.  So here it is in all its glory.  Done.

OK, so I've not exactly been especially "good" food-wise, but as of yesterday I'd lost a pound, and today it came back.  Not a big deal; my weight fluctuates all the time.  I just would have been a little happy thing to start my day.

 

Eric woke up with a smile on his face and we got through the morning routine without a single tear or angry word.  That's enough happy to get me through many, many days!