I headed to the gym Saturday to work out my frustrations. I biked some hills for 20 minutes (the most I can sit on the bike without my nerve acting up) then lifted weights. I had perused my lifting log before I went and couldn't believe how far I've fallen, progress-wise. I'm almost back to square one. So, I tried to see if I could go a little higher than last week and now I'm paying for it. My inner thighs are screaming today.
I'm staying away from certain workouts that aggravate my injury, so I'm doing my best to strengthen the other muscles. I made my first foray back into the world of arm muscles. I spoke to one of the trainers at the gym and she showed me how to operate the tricep pushdown machine so that I isolate the arm muscles without engaging the back or shoulder muscles.
I'm also a little sore from my first week wearing Earth shoes, which I bought to force my body into alignment. My left leg, which is splayed out to the left due to misalignment in my hip, is forced to face forward when I walk when I wear these shoes. I really can't walk at all if I don't walk straight. Naturally, this has led to some discomfort in my hip joint. Diane, my massage therapist/trainer says if I just keep working at that joint, I will eventually break up the scar tissue that is preventing the correct alignment. If I combine that with constant stretching of the hip flexors so that they don't shorten and keep pulling the joint out of whack, I might actually manage to fix the problem without thousands of dollars in physical therapy. Here's hoping!
I also went shopping for office supplies Sunday (one of my favorite activities!) and bought a new binder and dividers to set up a custom fitness resource book/journal. Diane has been giving me so many handouts, from exercises to recipes, that it was time I found a way to organize them. I'm having a section on stretching exercises, a section on Ultrametabolism recipes, and a misc. section on things I clip from magazines that I like, kind of like a scrapbook.
I also put in paper to keep an at-a-glance exercise log/weight summary, mostly to show Diane. I have a detailed exercise log book and computer weight chart. This is just so she can see how much I worked since the last time she saw me without having to flip through the pages of my exercise log. After I wrote down the last two weeks, I have to say I was impressed with how much I've done, even if it was low on cardio.
I've been doing a lot more at-home yoga and stretching. I bought a lightweight yoga mat for the living room that I can just whip out whenever and that has really encouraged me to do more. Before, I would have to go out to my car and lug my really heavy Manduka mat in the house, take it out of the bag, undo the strap, etc., then pack it back up and return it to my car when I was done. It may not seem like much, but it was just enough effort to deter me on some evenings when I was one step passed pooped.
It's Martin Luther King, Jr., Day here in TeacherLand and I'm so thankful to have this rainy day to stay at home. I'm going to clean the kitchen and cook food for the week. I'm going to go to a daytime yoga class and maybe even watch a soap opera! It's Ok to be jealous . . .
Hello, my name is Ashley, and I am Impatient. That's right, I'm a toe tapper, and not to the music. I hate when things don't move along at an optimal clip. I despise inefficiency and things that move in a circuitous path when there is a linear one available.
And I CAN'T BELIEVE I weigh the same thing I did a month ago! @%&*#@$%^&* A complete WASTE of precious time, I tell you! I looked back at my progress over the last year, and instead of being inspired, I noticed somthing I've not noticed before. Of my 50 pounds lost, only 15 of those have been in the last 6 months. Grrrrr.
I KNOW I've been injured, but I've been dieting my butt off! I've still been exercising, I just haven't been doing any intense weight lifting or attending rowing classes. Any other random person off the street would have lost at least 30 pounds doing what I have done.
So I'm back to this old, familiar feeling again: being pissed off because my body just doesn't work right and losing weight is so much harder for me than for most other people. I'm back to the "why me?" routine. Truly, I thought I had been rid of it.
But here I am. I have devoted an entire year to improving my health--spent almost every free waking second I have on it. I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars in the last year on diet foods, yoga classes, gym memberships, exercise clothes, books on nutrition, organic foods, doctors to treat my exercise-related injury, massages for my injury, special shoes for my injury, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum . . . AND I'M STILL FAT!
How can this be? When I look around EP, people who are successful seem to be able to lose more than 50 pounds in an entire year. I just don't know what else I can do!
What really concerns me is that my life is so self-centered right now. Everything is about me and my health--all my free time goes toward exercise and study and food preparation. MY DH and I are planning to start a family and I know that will mean the end of all that. If I can't do it now, how am I going to stay healthy when I have a baby and don't have any free time? It just seems so daunting and overwhelming.
I've been back to work for a week now, and things are going OK. I'm seem to be more emotionally balanced. Maybe it has something to do with new Teslar watch DH bought me for Christmas.
I managed to drop some weight, but about half came back after I ate out at a horrible restaurant Monday night for a family dinner. It really pissed me off--first, that I had to go off plan on the first day of the week; second, that I ordered something that seemed to be a smart choice on the menu then came in a heavy cream sauce that wasn't mentioned in the description; third, that it didn't even taste good! I ate about a third of it, paid $20 and went home hungry. Feh. Of course the capper was that I was up a pound the next morning. Double Feh.
I ate out again last night, but at a location of my choosing. I was on a winter clearance shopping quest and stopped off for some seared tuna and a veggie roll at my fave sushi joint. Yum! I was up .2 this morning from the soy sauce. I plan to go to the gym for some weight lifting today, so I may be up again tomorrow. The scale hates me.
I knew when I switched to the whole foods plan that it was higher in calories and the weight might come off more slowly. The Ultrametabolism book says about a pound a week. I hope that's what I wind up with by Sunday!
Back to the shopping. I want some kind of shopping trophy for the deals I found last night. I told DH I wanted to frame the tags I ripped off the clothes I came home with because I would never accomplish such feats of shopping magnitude again.
My best deals came at one of my fave stores, White House Black Market. They have clothes only in black, white, cream, and grey. They are all high quality and look great on me. About a third of the store was marked down 20-30%, THEN they were taking 50% off anything marked down! Butwaittheresmore! I got a 5% discount for being a member of something called the Black Book club and I had a coupon for Spend $200 get $50 off! It was a shopping bonanza!
I got about $750 worth of clothes for $250. These are all nice, classic clothes I can wear for work or for dress up. I bought a black suit with satin trim, and I got the skirt and striped crop pants that match, so it's three suits in one! They are ones I would pay to have altered when I lose more weight. If any of you out there are looking for work clothes or just a pretty dress and can wear a size 14 down, hightail it to your nearest store and start shopping!
I was telling my DH how sweet it was to go in there and find all those clothes look so good on me. I remember going in there last summer and not being able to button their largest size in the waist or across the bust. (There's no vanity sizing!) I was so disappointed, because I was fitting into clothes just about everywhere else. I have always dreamed about shopping at this store. It's kind of my weight loss Holy Grail. When I left the store in July, the sales girl asked me if I found anything I liked. I just handed her the too-small clothes and said, "See you in six months."
Well, six months later . . . JACKPOT! See, if I had bought those clothes then, I would have paid full price and none of them would fit now. HeeHee!
After being back on the Ultrametabolism whole foods eating plan since Tuesday, I was disappointed to see that the scale has remained static as of this morning. Actually it went up a pound after lifting weights earlier this week and now it's back down where it was.
Unlike most EPers after the holidays, I didn't have a big water bloat to lose. I had a stomach bug after Christmas and lost all my excess fluids that week. My three pounds gained the last three weeks of December were all permanent. (I had been up seven pounds, but never logged that weight.) It's shocking how fast it comes back on.
I did, however, think I might lose a pound this week. Before the holidays, that's what I was averaging. I'm hoping that my increased muscle building is somehow countering my fat loss. (crossing fingers).
I returned to the yoga studio today for the first time in weeks and to Sarla, the owner's, class for the first time in Idon'tknowhowlong. Sarla is one of the main reasons I was inspired by yoga in the first place, and I found her just as inspiring today as I did when I met her a year ago.
That's right. Today is my one year yogaversary! Even though everyone's been talking about how I started JC a year ago, it's much more significant that I started doing yoga a year ago. THAT's what has really changed my life.
I have not been able to summon up any kind of nostalgia or deep reflection about losing 50 pounds or being on a successful eating plan for an entire year no matter how many people ask me to do so. However, today when I sat in Sarla's class and heard her give a "beginner's speech" to all the people who walked into the studio for the first time today due to New Year's Resolutions or gift certificates they received, it really hit me: I did it. That was me a year ago, and I'm still here. I didn't give up. I tried something new to make a change and I made that change.
As I went through the simple beginner class, I felt such a feeling of "rightness" with the world. "Yes, this is where I'm supposed to be," is what my body said to me. The feeling I got was not just from doing yoga, which I do at home without getting that feeling, but from participating in a group and going to a special place at a special time and doing something just for me. Combine that with the amazing mind/body harmony creating by the motions of yoga and the result is nothing short of amazing. It is totally and completely satisfying.
At least twice during the class I teared up from emotions of gratitude that I had discovered this thing--this place and this feeling. At the peak of my emotional weight loss struggle last winter and spring, I attended class there five times a week at least. I truly don't believe I could have stayed focused on my goal without that daily reinforcement. That's reinforcement I still need today.
So, I resolve that I will not go a week without attending a class at this studio. There is no other place I go that feels so safe and protected--so apart from my stress. I need that.
After school I went to my first personal training session with Diane, my awesome massage therapist, who is also a yoga and pilates teacher. I am constantly amazed at the number of disciplines this woman has mastered!
To start me off we worked on some Pilates fundamentals involving core muscles, my hip flexors, and lengthening. There are all areas that I have to whip into shape to support proper alignment of my hips in relation to my spine. I didn't break a sweat, but found the work required intense concentration. I had to focus on breathing a certain way and clenching and releasing only certain muscles at certain times. It was difficult--more difficult than yoga was at first.
I had been working my hip flexors and the rotation of my thighs at home the last two nights (of the root of my hip problem) in anticipation of starting my session. I thought I would loosen myself up. Well . . . all I did was make myself sore! Today, I was all tired and whiney because everything she asked me to do hurt. And I won't even go into how many little spots on my body still hurt from the Rolfing!
I felt like I didn't make a very good first training impression. I'll have to do better next time. I am super appreciative of the lowlow price she is charging me and I kind of want to "earn" the discount. (I checked my gym's rate for personal training and it more than three times higher!) I know she does this because she enjoys it, not for the money. I want her experience training me to be rewarding for her as well. That means I have to buck up and stop whining!
This evening I hopped on my Ironman Tanita for the first full body scan in months. (When I stopped lifting weights, there wasn't much point in evaluating my muscle poundage.) I was pleasantly suprised to see that I still have most of my muscle weight and I've lost another pound of visceral fat (abdominal fat around my organs). When I got the scale in August I had 7 lbs; now I have 5. The scale also gives you an "age" based on your scan. In August I was 50 (boo!). Now I'm only 44. (yay?) So, even though I haven't been developing any fierce gunnage, I've still been making slow but steady progress on my internal fitness.
After being inspired by the Biggest Loser marathon, I headed to the gym last night after being MIA for nearly four months. Since my injury, I've restricted my exercise to yoga and walking. As soon as I walked in the door, one of the owners took a look at me and said accusingly, "Where have you BEEN?"
I was slightly shocked since I was only there for two months before being absent for four. I was suprised she remembered me at all. I told her about my injury and that I was determined to do whatever exercise I could because my condition has really gone downhill and I am starting to feel like an old crotchety lady again.
She asked if I had ever been Rolfed, (a.k.a. Structural Integration). I told her it had been recommended to me by my massage therapist and that I was considering it. She asked if I would like for her to try opening up my back a little before my workout. Since Rolfing is grossly expensive and she is a practitioner highly in demand, I jumped at the chance for the free sample.
Great Googly Moogly the PAIN! I was squealing like a pitiful little pig. She just kept reminding me to breathe and that it was only temporary. Apparently all my connective tissues are gummed up and stuck to the bones and lordknowswhatelse. It was truly amazing that she could just glance at my body and immediately know where to start poking to maximize the painful effect. Nowhere she touched me would you normally associate with pain--my collarbones, for example. But damn, did they hurt!
She really focused in on the outside of my right shoulder and declared it to be the source of most of my problems. I hadn't mentioned it to her at all, but I have a lot of problems in that area, especially lately. It's also a real trouble spot in yoga. I just can't rotate it properly. After she worked her excrutiating magic on it, I felt as if a claw had let go of the joint. It was truly amazing.
After my 15 min. session, my heart was pounding and my adrenaline was flowing--my fight or flight reaction was at its peak! It had taken all the mind control I had not to flee the room. I headed to my workout and did great; I did lower body weights for 30 min and then did 30 min. of yoga. I felt so great to be back in the swing of things again, even if I am weaker.
This morning I still had no pain other than sore muscles. The scale was up a pound, but it was a good pound--the one that comes from water retention in the muscles after weight lifting. My problem hip and my shoulder feel amazing. I'm certain that Structural Integration is something I need to do. The cost is high--about $1200. I think I may make that my goal reward.
Until then, I've taken another step. I called my massage therapist, who is also a yoga/pilates teacher and personal trainer, and signed her up to do ten sessions with me. She's going to customize a routine for me that will help my alignment and lengthen my spine to help my injury. I just can't go to regular yoga classes because I always hurt myself. Now, I can try to rebuild my strength in the right places. Plus, she offers a great discount to teachers, and these sessions are only a little more expensive than ten yoga classes. It's way less expensive that physical therapy, and very similar.
So I had a good night and feel that I took some very positive steps for my health. Of course due to spending all this time on exercise, I didn't have time to make my breakfast and had to revert to some Jenny Craig food in the freezer this morning. I was cringing at the crap on the label--bleached white flour, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, etc. It may be low calorie and low fat, but it is VERY off plan on Ultrametabolism.
If I really get back to exercising, it's going to be quite the challenge to handle all the whole foods prep with time at the gym. I need to set up a schedule or something . . .
Thanks for everyone for saying hi over the holidays. I've been out of pocket and not in the mood for blogging. This Christmas wasn't the best, between medical problems and personal issues. I decided that watching the scale see-saw every day was just adding to my anxiety. I just took some time off from thinking about my diet and fitness level every single day.
Of course people are always asking me about my diet and exercise so it's never that far from my mind--but I really needed a vacation from the scale. I've put in an entire year without a single break; I think I was due.
I ate a lot of things with white flour and cream this last week or so, which I haven't done in a year. It was nice, but I don't think those foods are things I can't live without. My stomach definitely doesn't care for the cream and refined sugar.
I discovered that my insulin resistance hasn't been cured, only managed with diet. The day I started eating white bread, cake and drinking alcohol, the blood sugar spikes and lows came right back. I had SO many headaches. Kind of disheartening. I was thinking maybe my body was in better shape--maybe I was healing myself-- but no.
After being on this journey for an entire year, I was kind of suprised how easy it was to just step away. I found that when things are not going well in my life, taking control of food and fitness can sometimes be empowering--a way to take control of my life. However, there comes a point when a critical mass of problems has been reached and I just have nothing left to give. When work is bad and family is bad and money is bad and my health is bad, my motivation to do anything positive just goes out the window.
So the last couple of days I've been trying to get my head back in the game, thinking about positive things and visualizing myself the way I want to be, fitness-wise. Since it will be my one-year anniversay next week of my start date with Jenny Craig, I feel like I should be reflecting on my success and celebrating how far I've come, but I'm having a hard time getting into a positive head-space.
I have so many problems to deal with that I literally can't remember them all without a freakin' list! Every night I have anxiety and panic dreams. I dreamed the other night that I literally fell over a ledge and dangled there before somehow managing to defy gravity and pull myself back up. I start making lists of things I have to do while driving and find myself bursting into tears and having to pull over.
Yesterday I did some yoga at home and today DH and I went on a long hike. I'm also watching The Biggest Loser marathon while I'm doing stuff. I'm hoping the inspiration will sink in. I know that I MUST exercise the keep my anxiety under control and my pinched nerve is a constant challenge to overcome in that department. I must do whatever I can however I can.
So if any of you out there feel like doing some cheerleading, I could sure use some right now.
I changed my graph over there on the right to show everyone just how evil salt can be. That is a view of the last two weeks. I was going along nicely in a downward direction until--Work Luncheon #1, which is where you see the dramatic upward turn. That was of course followed the next day by Work Luncheon #2 and an increased upward motion.
People, a person cannot gain three pounds of fat in 24 hours, so it's gotta be bloat from salt. I did some damage control for a couple of days and was rewarded with a downward dip until last night's DH Work Christmas Party. And the line is back up this morning! I ate plenty from the veggie platter, but the only hot food was pizza and chili and cheese dip with chips. There was no escape from the salt.
Naturally DietPower (my calorie/metabolism tracking software) is having a Linda Blair style meltdown. Apparently, whoever wrote the software didn't program in "salt bloat" as a possible cause of weight gain. Calories are the only cause/effect agent in its limited brain. So . . . today's recommendation was that I eat 519 calories. I'm thinking of writing the company and telling them what idiots they are. That software needs to have way more nuance and complexity if it's going to analyze human metabolism. It should be able to see my sodium level for the previous day and recommend that I drink more water or something instead of slashing calories. That is NOT going to help me!
Anyhoo, I'm going to be totally on plan today, because the next three days are going to be some doozies!
OK, I'm still up three pounds today, but yesterday's work holiday lunch buffet was worth it. So delicious!
I went to my annual gyno appointment, and the nurse who weighed me was shocked. She asked the typical question: "How'd you do it?" I gave my typical response: "The hard way." She smiled and said, "The right way, you mean."
She insisted on taking a new photo for my file, as my old one was when I weighed 223 lbs and looked like a walrus. She said the nurses would never be able to locate me in the halls with the old one.
My doctor and I agreed that I will go off my birth control pills in a couple of weeks to see if my hormones will regulate themselves without all the excess weight on my body. I could wait until I have the next 20 lbs off, but I guess I'm getting a little impatient. I think I've lost enough to make a difference with my body.
I could be completely wrong, however. I just don't want to have to go on Clomid to stimulate my ovulation and risk multiple births when DH and I start trying for a family. Plus I've read about some side effects of that drug I'm not too thrilled about. Basically, I've just had it with drugs.
So I'm back on the Detox plan for three days until the 3-day Christmas dinner bonanza begins on Sunday. We have Christmas Eve dinner with my mother and family. Christmas Day we have breakfast with DH's sisters and hubbies, then we celebrate with his whole family that night. The next day we drive 3 hours to my grandmother's for a Day After Christmas Dinner with my father's family. That's a lot of eating!
Well, I'm off to Wild Oats Market to make my grandmother a holiday gift basket of healthy items she can't buy in Jackson, Mississippi, like quinoa and fat-free Greek yogurt and sprouted grain cereal. I'm always talking about these things and she gets so frustrated that she can't find them at the grocery. So, I'm going to hook her up. Then, if she really likes them, I'll send her a care package every now and then.
Gotta run! Type to you later. OH, and check these blogs I've just discovered. Meet Ella and Fatty McButterpants.
FRIDAY UPDATE: Since EP blogs were unavailable most of the day yesterday, I'm just going to update this entry instead of writing a new one. Good news! Despite eating four chocolate truffles and four Wild Oats vanilla cremes yesterday, I stuck to my detox diet and managed to drop 1.8 lbs of the salt bloat. Good thing sugar doesn't make one retain water! Maybe today I can do even better, but things look a little grim because DH's office Christmas party is tonight. I'm sure salt and alcohol will be involved. I'm going to try not to indulge heavily.
I'm only 36 hours into my holiday eating and I've already gained 3.4 lbs! WTF! This really is a testament to how bad bad food is.
On day one I ate my regular diet but added a 2" square piece of cake and a 1" piece of fudge. Day Two, I had my regular breakfast, then ate at buffet lunch at work of assorted cheesy casseroles and fried chicken. I think I had two Fritos. I did not gorge myself and I had one square of peanut butter fudge for dessert. Then for dinner, we went out and I had a grilled chicken sandwich with gorgonzola cheese on a grilled ciabatta bread (white bread) and a fruit salad. Today, the scale is flipping me off.
Here's what gets me. These last two days would have been average eating days a year ago--not even special holiday splurges. There was no overindulging or stuffing to excess. There was no alcohol or huge dessert. There wasn't even any ice cream!
and maybe even watch a soap opera! It's Ok to be jealous . . .
@%&*#@$%^&* A complete WASTE of precious time, I tell you! I looked back at my progress over the last year, and instead of being inspired, I noticed somthing I've not noticed before. Of my 50 pounds lost, only 15 of those have been in the last 6 months. Grrrrr. 
These are all nice, classic clothes I can wear for work or for dress up. I bought a black suit with satin trim, and I got the skirt and striped crop pants that match, so it's three suits in one! They are ones I would pay to have altered when I lose more weight. If any of you out there are looking for work clothes or just a pretty dress and can wear a size 14 down, hightail it to your nearest store and start shopping! 
Even though everyone's been talking about how I started JC a year ago, it's much more significant that I started doing yoga a year ago. THAT's what has really changed my life. 
That means I have to buck up and stop whining!
I headed to my workout and did great; I did lower body weights for 30 min and then did 30 min. of yoga. I felt so great to be back in the swing of things again, even if I am weaker. 
