OK, so I really need to start tracking my food again. I tried doing it yesterday on SparkPeople, which was OK--a lot faster than the EP food log. However, I'm still stymied with my recipes. I prepare a lot of multi-ingredient dishes, and I can't figure out how to enter those. That's why I bought that DietPower software in the first place--so I could enter in recipes.
I still can't believe I spent so much time and effort--hour upon hour--entering in all those dishes only to have it all crash and burn. I know I could restore the software, but after two significant crashes, I no longer trust it. I refuse to re-enter all those recipes only to lose them again. I downloaded a trial of another program, called Kathleen's Diet Planner, but it is WAY over the top and complicated. I just don't need all that info.
I really don't think it's a coincidence anymore that I started plateauing at the same time I stopped tracking my food. Of course this coincided with my doctor ordering me to stop exercising.
I'm not tracking. I'm not exercising. My pants are too tight. My whole plan is in the ditch.
I really feel somewhat lost despite all my dieting experience and success. I've never had these obstacles before. Last year at this time, I was doing yoga nearly every day and eating Jenny Craig. Later, I was eating my own food, but tracking it religiously--even after I had to cut back on exercise. Now, I'm still eating healthy 90 percent of the time, but I feel I have no direction, no forward motion.
I know what this is. This is that crucial moment that all people reach when they can either stay strong or backslide completely. My mindset is tainted with discouragement. I've been buying clothes this week for my vacation and every pair of pants I try on in size 12 is too tight in the belly. All my pants I bought a few months ago in size 10 are painfully tight. I don't get it! I've only gained two pounds! Are those two pounds right under my waistband? It just makes me sick at heart.
I know I need to lose about five pounds before I go on vacation in a month so that my outdoor clothes will be comfortable, but that just seems like an impossible dream. When did losing five pounds become something I just couldn't do?
I remember thinking last year when I was having so much success that it wouldn't be possible without certain aspects of support: time and money and state of mind. Right now, my job is really eating me alive and my time and state of mind are just in the crapper. Money's not too hot, either. I come home from work in tears at least two days out of five. This is just not the proper frame of mind for self-improvement. In the past, I would exercise my way through the stress, but that's still not an option for me.
I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record. It's just that since November, nothing has really gone my way and I have nothing positive to blog about. In fact, if I so chose, I could fill this blog with one depressing tale of woe after another, but I really try not to talk about problems that are not weight related (even though everything in our lives affects our weight).
I know you readers out there can't really help me, but it's nice just to know someone's listening.
I was reading in Steph's blog about how she and her DH had to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting about bringing "bad" food into the house or buying it as "gifts" for her. It seems that a lot of us have been blogging about this topic lately. The question is this: Why do our normally supportive spouses sabotage us in this way after we've come so far?
I have a few thoughts:
First, on a positive note, they are proud of us and seem to think we deserve food as a reward for all we've accomplished. We may have gotten past that concept, but they haven't even begun to struggle with it.
On another positive note, they think since we have already lost a lot of weight, we can have more treats now. They don't understand how we will gain all the weight back in a hearbeat if the "treats" are on the kitchen counter every damn day.
Second, they have been putting up with our dieting for months and are sick to death of the impact it has been having on their own lives. They are starting to rebel in a passive/agressive way.
I know in my household, my DH and I have had ridiculous arguments about his inability to hide cookies thoroughly enough. If I can see them, I will eat them. Actually, if I know they are in the house, I will find them, see them, then eat them. I don't even want to know they are here. I have will power with a lot of things, but not all things, so it's best to remove temptation. The same goes for ice cream.
I've noticed lately that he has stopped trying to hide these items like he used to, and I have been eating them. Which came first? Did I start eating them in front of him, giving him the idea that he didn't need to hide them anymore? Or did I eat them because he didn't hide them? I'm not sure. All I know is that it has to stop. Cookies and ice cream cannot become something I eat several times a week!
I know that dealing with a non-dieting husband has been a problem for dieting women since time began. It's especially difficult when kids are involved and the mom is trying to feed them healthy as well. That leaves Dad out entirely, eating his frozen pizza alone in front of the TV.
Well, it seems I've gained a permanent pound or so. Blah. I need to come up with some strategy to kick off a new wave of weight loss. Clearly I need to reduce calories, but I don't really have any vague notion of how I want to approach that.
I DO know from my experience last summer that as soon as I am out of school, my metabolism will slow down due to not running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off. I need to anticipate that. Last summer I plateaued all summer. Now I'm ALREADY in a plateau going into the summer. This is a clear recipe for a GAIN. Not good.
So . . . in other news: I unexpectedly applied for a new job yesterday at what is probably the best private school in the Memphis area. I hadn't expected to do it, but I heard they had an opening, and I knew they didn't come open often, so I thought, "What the heck!"
I'm very excited at the possibility of working at a school like this--it would be a night-and-day difference from where I am now. The students are years more advanced there. It would be a real challenge for me to step up my own teaching to their level, and after being at my current job for nine years, I'm really ready for a challenge. I am a tad underqualified for the position as all my education is of the public variety (I never went through what they're going through) and I don't have a degree in literature. However, I have other selling points and accomplishments that I hope they will consider.
The only downside is that I would have to postpone baby plans for a few months (don't want to be preggers on my first day!). But I'm seriously counting my chickens here, and I don't even have any eggs! So cross your fingers that I get an interview, because I kill in interviews!
Sorry to everyone for not getting around to your blogs this week. I've been oh, so busy. It's that time of year. I hope to find some time for you soon.
I am so happy this week is over and I can go relax and recuperate over the weekend. My sore muscles are a little less sore today, but still hurting. I really can't believe how slow the recovery has been! I have a massage planned for today , so maybe I can work some of the kinks out.
At least the scale dropped from 157 to 156 today. I'm still not thrilled with that number, though. I fear I may have gained some actual fat along with that water.
Speaking of water, I have another one of my student's poems for you today. It's lovely.
Like the creek
Flowing down the land crystal clear with flourishing wildlife all about
Untainted
Like the mighty Mississip’
Wide and filling, sliding, riding the walls with brown turning waters
Uninhibited
Like the Port Huron Rapids
Rushing, crash, the waves, flash the white with misty air all around
Ever since Sunday when I overdid it with my legs and back, my muscles have been so sore that I can't do much of anything. As a result, my muscles have been swollen and plumped full of water, causing the scale to soar to heights it hasn't visited in months. Combine that with TOM and I'm at 157 today, which I haven't seen since Idon'tknowwhen.
The only solace I have is that Ironman says clearly that the gain is all muscle and water, which is some relief. In fact, it gave me such a positive rating yesterday based on my "new" muscle mass that my "age" dropped ten years! LOL
Still, it's scary seeing a number that high on the scale. I'm having flashbacks to Thanksgiving, for Pete's sake! I'm ready for my muscles to get back to normal and the scale to get back to my regular 154. I'll be perfectly happy to be back in my plateau!
On to other news: DH and I have been planning our summer vacation. We've been bouncing around a lot of ideas and have finally settled on something. We were originally going to Montana, but my aunt and uncle's cabin was burglarized and all the furniture stolen! Then it was California--L.A. and San Francisco--to visit friends and family. However, the costs proved unweildy. (Sorry, Blondeez ) Next, we were headed to Corpus Christi and San Antonio by car to visit friends, but I decided that was just not relaxing enough as driving is very stressful for me and that is quite a haul from Memphis.
SO, I just kept saying that I wanted to go to camp like I did when I was a kid. I want to RELAX, damnit! So, we're going to North Carolina to spend a week at the Snowbird Lodge, where we will hike and bike and paddle around on the lake. We may even do some whitewater rafting if we feel like it. The best part is that we don't HAVE to do anthing or BE anywhere on any particular day. I really need that. I tend to get so keyed up on vacation if it's the kind where there's an itinerary. I need to not have an itinerary, you know?
I'm feeling a little more optimistic at work. My students really surprised me today. After bitching and moaning for the last two weeks about having to study poetry technique, they came up with the most impressive set of first drafts of free verse poems I've ever seen. Honestly, I expected half of them to not even have anything written at all. After I critiqued the last paper of the day, I thought, "Holy Crap! I'm actually still teaching these kids something this late in the school year. Go, Me!"
Here's a sample:
I dream of hot sand
The sand that soaks up hope the same as spilled blood
The sand that swallows life and brings grief to unknown families
I dream of the sound of gunfire, tat tat tat and another is
lost to the hot sand
My friend falls before me, ever falling, ever sinking to the ground
The World sighs, Her hot breath brushing my cheek at the loss
of another child
The hot sun glares, glittering in my eyes
My weapon rests in my hands, the heavy reminder of death that I carry
for my country
I trip over rock and rubble and holes and bodies
My eyes are fixed on my enemy,
the sting of victory in my wounds gives me strength
I hear a scream, Yaaah!, the cry of battle, the cry of desperation,
the cry of future victory
The surge pushes me forward, fight! fight! fight!
The taste of battle fills my mouth, a hot exciting feeling
I fight for those lost, I fight for my family, I fight for my country
I dream of hot sand
of victory, of hope
The hot sand swirls above me, dipping, twisting, returning
to earth
I dream of hot sand that soaks up hope the same as spilled blood
Every step I take today brings pain as my hamstrings are sprained from yoga class Sunday morning. It is the third class I have attended since my doctor cleared me to resume mild exercise.
That class wasn't so pleasant, but the two before were lovely. While moving my body from familiar position to familiar position, I was relieved to see that I haven't "lost it" all while I've been recuperating. I still have some flexibility and muscle memory. My balance seems even better since my hips have been aligned by the chiro. My strength, however, STINKS! My legs were so shaky and I could barely hold my lunges for more than a few seconds. Oh, the shame . . .
Something that occurred to me at these classes was why I enjoy yoga so much more than other exercise. It's more like dance than an exercise. It's not just working muscles, it's a form of expression as well. It's a whole body experience--you're not separated from your body. I imagine athletes who participate in competitive sports feel that kind of connections with their bodies--that awareness. It's such a wonderful feeling that we just don't have as we bump along through life every day.
Speaking of bumping along through life--I took a major bump last week and am just now starting to get up from it. I have been majorly stressed due to work and last week I did not sleep more than two hours a night for five nights straight. On Thursday, I tried to take the day off Friday just to sleep (I was getting a migraine) but was told there were already 13 teachers planning to be out and there were no more subs. So, I dragged my ass to school Friday after another sleepless night and collapsed at the beginning of third period with a crushing migraine. They had to call my DH to come get me as I could barely more or talk.
Even today (Monday) I am still kind of shaky. I got some sleep this weekend (about 7 hours a night), but I'm having stressful dreams and am walking around with a ball of tension in my stomach at all times. The slightest thing can set me to crying. The stress beast has just eaten me alive and I don't know how to get away from it.
I'm trying to get things done to alleviate pressure and I'm trying to take care of myself, but it seems there's only so much I can do. After yoga yesterday I was thinking about how stress happens to everyone but some people just handle it better. This is the third stress-related migraine I've had this year--where I've gotten myself so upset and worked up that my head just exploded. But then I started thinking back to everyhthing bad that's happened to me since September and it really mounted up to quite a hefty list. (You all know some of the things, but not all). Maybe I should cut myself some slack, I thought. I've been through a lot of crap this year--none of it my fault. It's all just beaten me down and squashed me into this little twitching mass. How do I get back to the person I used to be?
I really need for school to be OVER. I just need some time and distance from all the pressure. A weekend just doesn't cut it--not even a three-day weekend. I know there's only six weeks of school left, but the worst is yet to come. I'm really afraid I'm going to snap. My body can only take so much and it will CRASH. How do I get some mental headspace? How can I stop thinking about stressful things when I can't do anything about them? I suck at mediation, by the way. (Probably because I can't stop thinking about things I shouldn't).
Can somebody just come over here and conk me over the head and put me out of my misery?
I just watched a show on Fine Living channel about tips to having a good pregnancy. It really got me thinking about how I need to get back moving in a forward direction with my fitness. If my abs aren't in shape before I get pregnant, it will be too late!
I am so dreading getting fat all over again, y'all. Really. I want so much to lost at least 15 more pounds before that time. Optimally, I would get pregnant in September so that I could have the baby in June, but I know I probably can't control things that much. We'll probably start trying in June or July. Who knows how long it will take.
I know now that I just can't wait until my back heals before trying. The pace of healing is just too slow and I'm too old to wait any longer (38 and my husband is 43). I want at least two children. I'm just going to have to suffer through pregnancy with the injury. I've done an amazing amount of prep work with my body and I can't let one more thing stop me.
I'm going to have to find some exercise that works starting this week. I'm going to at least start walking several times a week. I was going to ride my bike yesterday but I was having some shooting pains early in the morning that I didn't want to aggravate, so I chose not to. Riding a real bike vs. one in the gym seems to work ok as long as I avoid pot holes and going off the edges of curbs--nothing that jolts my spine. I can't use the exercise bikes at the gym because they all tilt backward and put pressure on my tailbone, which aggravates the injury.
As for yoga, I think I may try some beginning classes and see how I feel. The doctor said I could but to stop if I feel increased tingling, which means the damaged nerve is being stimulated. I may have to resort to designing my own routine and doing it at home. There are just certain poses that trigger it, ones that require I put my body's weight on my spine against the mat and some inverted poses.
After the gardening fiasco, I am really leery of any exercise. Planting those begonias set me back two months at least. I couldn't believe how two hours could do so much damage. I'm still suffering the consequences two weeks later.
The scale showed that I lost a pound this week, but it was Ironman says it's all muscle mass. Boo! I'm hiking today and going to yoga Sunday if it kills me!
I think I also want to start tracking my food again somehow. I'm following my plan, but I'm afraid I'm consuming too many calories. I know that when I had DietPower I would adjust my dinner plans according to what I had eaten during the day, and now I don't do that. Maybe I'm just eating a little too much each day. Maybe if I didn't I could lose just a little weight each month. I don't know.
I don't know how to track this kind of diet. Nothing has a calorie amount on the label because very few of the things I buy have labels! Ultrametabolism has calories and such printed on their recipes, but I found from entering them into DietPower that there were MANY typos and errors in the nutritional info in that book and I don't feel I can trust it. I was often way OVER the correct amount. Also, many of the foods I eat are not listed in the common internet calorie databases. I'm going to try, though. Do any of you whole foods eaters out there track calories?
By the way, I have to share an amazing dinner plan. We had it last night and we were just licking our lips in satisfaction.
Appetizer: Blue corn and sesame chips (Wild Oats brand) with fresh mango and pineapple salsa
Dinner: A frosty mug of Blue Moon Belgian White Ale. A piece of Grilled wild salmon (rubbed in some Frech vinaigrette dressing first) atop some spelt pasta tossed in olive oil with shallots, garlic and chives. The side salad was amazing: mache, watercress and baby lettuces topped with pear, avocado, toasted pecans and Maytag blue cheese. I just drizzled some pear-infused white balsamic vinegar and olive oil on top. Wow! It was a restaurant quality meal in the comfort of our own home. I love a good salad and will pay any amount of money for the ingredients to make one.
Dessert: just a piece of organic dark chocolate
I told my DH it really was a shame we didn't have any friends to invite over to enjoy our fine cooking. Our dogs did get to enjoy some fine crispy grilled salmon skin, however and were most satisfied!
So, EP has made a lot of positive changes around here. On the EP home page, there used to be a list of most visited blogs that featured a lot of inactive links because it only showed who had the most total hits over time. Steph and Twink and I were at the top of that list and I really liked that because it brought so many new people to my blog. I used to get about 25-50 hits a day.
But now . . . how things have changed. Apparently, the criteria for being listed as a most "active" blog, you have to post a lot yourself. It doesn't seem to matter as much if you get a lot of comments. I looked at the blogs that I see most often on the list and they don't seem very "active" to me. Some of them just seem like people with a lot of time on their hands--they post multiple times a day--but there isn't a lot of dialogue going on. (Except for Shelly's of course!) Can't they find some way to track whose blog is getting the most traffic and comments? THAT'S an active blog.
Since they put the feature on that shows who last visited your blog, it's actually made me kind of bummed to see how FEW people are now passing past my pages. I'm only getting about 5 a day. So sad. I used to get 25 a day, but only five would post a comment. Now if five people click on me at all I'm lucky. It really dampens my enthusiasm for blogging. I don't want to post too often or the people on my friends list may not see the latest. It seems they're only coming around about once a week or so.
I have noticed that I have a few dedicated daily lurkers. Thanks to you--sorry I haven't been offering more for you to read.
I'll be off work tomorrow, so I should have some time for a real "update" post. See you then!
I was going to post my fave breakfast cereal recipe today, but Sara asked for the Brazil Nut Bars, so I'll throw that in, too. Both are FABULOUS.
Amaranth is this amazing grain this is one of nature's perfect foods in that it contains carbs, protein, and fat. You could eat nothing else and survive. It also has calcium B vitamins, and fiber.
It's very tiny, almost the size of the head of pin, and looks like quinoa (if you know what quinoa looks like). It has a kind of nutty flavor. When cooked, it makes kind of an interesting smooth paste-like texture that's thick like grits but still has the separate grains that you can feel in your mouth. It's also inexpensive! I buy mine in the bulk bin at Wild Oats, and I think my hot breakfast cereal winds up using about 25 cents per serving of the grain.
I find this stuff addictive, especially when topped with agave nectar. I have caught myself licking the bowl to get the last smidgen. It makes me happy when I remember I have this already made in the fridge for breakfast!
APPLE WALNUT AMARANTH
1 cup amaranth
3 cups plain soy milk
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 large apple, skin on, cored and diced
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
honey or agave nectar to taste
Place the amaranth, soy milk, cinnamon, and apple in a medium saucepan. Bring to a boil, stiring frequently. Cover pan and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 25 minutes until amaranth is soft. Stir to check as amaranth has a tendency to settle. Top with chopped walnuts and sweetener to taste.
The recipe says that this makes four servings, but for me it's usually five. A little of this dense cereal goes a long way. Also, I sometimes don't feel hungry for my mid-morning snack when I eat this for breakfast.
Calories: 380, Carbs 48, fiber 10, protein 16, fat 15 (all plant-based so it's good for you), cholesterol 0, calcium 370mg
BRAZIL NUT BARS
Grapeseed or walnut oil
1 1/2 cups whole Brazil nuts
1/2 cup hulled raw pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup slized almonds
1/2 cup hulled raw sunflower seeds
1/2 cup ground flaxseeds
1/2 cup organic dried cranberries
1 teaspoon ground cinammon
1 1/2 cup sprouted grain cereal (Ezekiel)
3/4 cup honey
1 cup natural cashew butter
In a food processor, pulse the Brazil nuts until they are ground into a fine powder and transfer to a large bowl. Add all the nuts, seeds, and fruit to the bowl along with the cinnamon and toss together. In a saucepan, heat the honey and the cashew butter on medium high until very hot and bubbling, about 3 minutes. pour over the mixture in the bowl and mix will with a wooden spoon. Immediately press the mixture into a 9 x 13 baking dish that has been coated lightly with the grapeseed or walnut oil. Press the mixture down firmly with your hands. Let the mixture cool in the fridge, then cut into 16 piece. Wrap each bar in wax paper and store in the fridge. Store excess in the freezer.
These bars are delicious! I used half cashew butter and half natural peanut butter and agave nectar instead of honey. My bars were a little too crumbly however, which I blame on the viscosity of the agave nectar. As we all know, nuts are good for us, but pack a punch in the calorie and fat department, so beware of overindulgence! They make a great breakfast on the go with a piece of fruit.
I'm off in a few minutes to state journalism competition at the University of Mississippi with my students. I'm really hoping my newspaper editor wins the top prize for state Editor of the Year. I wrote a really strong appliction for her and it would mean so much for her to win--the newspaper is her life.
They have a luncheon for the advisors (no idea what) and lots of donuts and muffins strategically placed all day long. I'm taking my Ultrametabolism Brazil Nut Bars that I made. They are yummier than any store-bought granola bar by far! They just have a bad habit of crumbiling when they get too warm. I hope I can stay away from temptation. A good donut is hard to resist, you know.
Wish us luck!
UPDATE: We won nine awards at competition, including Editor of the Year for Celeste and Staff Member of the Year for my other superstar, Alex! Both of them also took home some top writing awards. They were thrilled. It made all the crap they've been through this year with their fellow staff members quitting on them worthwhile. Competition was tougher than it's ever been this year. More and more student papers are going to full color, which is just something we can't afford to do. It's getting harder and harder to compete in the design categories. Oh, well. I do the best with what I've got! Oh, and the food offerings were so much more dangerous than donuts. There was creme brulee at the luncheon! It was worth the calories . . .
, so maybe I can work some of the kinks out.
) Next, we were headed to Corpus Christi and San Antonio by car to visit friends, but I decided that was just not relaxing enough as driving is very stressful for me and that is quite a haul from Memphis. 
It was worth the calories . . .