Dehydration

We went to visit my grandmother this weekend and I was expecting a gain due to eating someone else's menu. However, due to some pesky internal parasite, I'm now down 3 pounds. I'm sure I'll plump back up as soon as I get rehydrated. Then, I'll just start again.

My toe's feeling better. Now, as soon as the temp. drops below 95, I might get outside and walk again.

It's happening again

Last summer when I started back Jenny Craig, I quit after five weeks because I wasn't seeing any results. I dropped three pounds the first week, then bounced back up 1.5. After five weeks I had lost just over a pound. It was a rough five weeks, I was so pissed that I just gave up.

Now, here I am again, experiencing the same thing. I'm not doing JC this time, but the pattern is the same. Dropped five pounds, then bounced back up. After five weeks, I've lost three pounds. It hardly seems worth it.

I understand the principal of weight loss. I know that I need to burn more calories. I've got insulin resistance, and cutting calories stops me from gaining, but that's pretty much it. I'm eating 1350 calories a day, and am pretty much standing still. I can't tell you how hard it is to just eat 1350 calories. I struggle with it every day. I'm always hungry when I go to bed.

Since I injured my toe, I can't exercise the way I want. Yes, I know there are other ways to exercise, but I haven't been motivated to be creative. The fact is that I'm still in that mode where exercise sucks because I'm so fat. It's uncomfortable; I get dizzy and sometimes nauseated. Exercise gets easier the thinner and more in-shape I become. Right now, it's just a pain--literally.

So here I am sitting in a cesspool of negativity. I'm angry.

I KNOW in my head that if I can see some success, that will carry me forward. It did last time, and I'm sure it will again. But it seems the older I get, the harder-won success becomes. And there's something about the post-baby metabolism that is really working against me. Maybe it's just that my muscle mass is so low right now that I'm not burning many calories. But seriously, my resting metabolism must be about 1300 calories.

Not only am I angry, but I am scared. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to get in a positive mindset again. I think about quitting, but then I consider the alternative: continuous rapid weight gain. Yes, I CAN be fatter than I am now.

So, right now, fear is the only thing keeping me going. I'm running on anger and fear. That is just not going to work. I KNOW that's not going to work. How do I get out of this?

Weigh In

I'm happy to report a 1.4 lb. loss for the week. I guess that's really the best I ever do. I ate out several times this week, but kept my calorie level in check. This tracking program I have on my iPod is great.

I've decided to adapt my diet a little. I'm still making most meals from my Ultrametabolism cookbook, but I'm not going to eliminate white flour and dairy completely--it's just so inflexible and difficult to eat out. I've decided that I can have a "white" carb once per day, but the others have to be whole grain. Also, I'm allowing myself the "accent" cheeses, like parmesan and feta for salads, but I'm still going to avoid the cheddars and melty cheeses. I also haven't dropped artificial sweetener yet, though I have that as a goal. Right now, the only satisfaction my sweet tooth is getting is diet soda, which is helping me stave off some cravings when I've already had all the fruit in the house. I'm also a big fan of the iced chai/soy drink, but have to sweeten it with something.

I tried my morning stroll with Chandler this morning, but turned around after only two blocks because my toe was hurting. I've designed a no-toe yoga routine that I'm going to try tonight.

Still here

Yoga was so much better this week. Both classes were productive and enjoyable. Of course, as soon as I got back on track, I had to go and fracture my little toe by walking into a door in the middle of the night due to a lummox of a dog blocking my path. Now, I'm just hobbling around, checking to see what different florid shade my toe is turning every hour. Who knows how long it will take to heal, but until then, most exercise is out. I was thinking of getting my bike out of storage, but I'm not sure if I could ride it with the injury. I think I will still do some yoga, but it will only be the stretching kind, not the standing poses and vinyasa sequences that actually burn calories. I'll probably bust out my hand weights, too.

We went to Target today as a family outing. I knew it would be painful, but there is just some shopping my husband can't do without me, you know? After about 30 minutes, I had to hobble back to the front of the store to the bathroom. As I was facing the pain of walking to the toy section at the OTHER END of the store, I seriously thought about hopping on one of those Hoveround/Little Rascal scooters. I had to ride one once when I was 9 months pregnant, and the humiliation is still with me. Usually the only people I see riding them are the people who are too fat to walk. I just kept thinking people would think that about me! Ack!

As you can see, I am still being plagued by negative thinking. This was something I had really made progress with the last go'round. However, it's really back with a vengeance. Sometimes I think that keeping positive thoughts is actually more difficult than losing weight.

Week Two Gone

After two weeks, I'm still plugging along, but still not super motivated. I've lost four pounds total. I was up on the scale all last week, mostly due to TOM, but I settled back down today to the weight I was last Tuesday. So, no loss this week. This doesn't totally surprise me, looking back over my food log. I did not make my calorie goal four out of seven days. TOM really did a number on me; all those hormones really weaken my will power.

These hormone swings used to not be a big deal. I've had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome most of my life, which caused me to only have about 4 cycles per year. Losing weight before made me more regular, and now since I've had the baby, I am totally regular. This means massive PMS and migraines every single month! Argh! I've always struggled with PMS and never really appreciated it before that it only happened every three months or so.  I can see this regularity driving my diet into a ditch every few weeks. However, I don't really want to go back on the pill now that I'm older.

Anyhoo. I really need to excercise more, so I think I'm going to start taking Chandler for a stroll every morning before she goes to daycare (and before it gets hot!) I think getting out of the house early will help me perk up and feel more motivated in general. Today as we strolled I tried to visualize myself a year from now, pushing this same stroller down the same street, but looking like I did before I got pregnant. I also visualized myself on the beach with her, since we're planning a trip to Florida next summer. Right now, there is no way I would put on a bathing suit. It's completely out of the question.

In fact, Chandler's going swimming for the first time tomorrow with my MIL. I'm going along to prevent separation anxiety and to take pictures. I was somewhat relieved when my MIL said she wanted me to leave after Chandler gets comfortable, so Chandler will bond with her and not always be looking for Mommy. Kind of rude, I know, but now I don't have to explain why I can't get in the water. My MIL is terminally skinny, and I'm sure would not understand my particular body issues. I know everyone has body issues, even skinny people; however, no one stares at the person at the pool who's too thin, only those who are too fat.

So, now, on to Week Three. Crossing my fingers for progress, both physically and mentally.

Rumbly in my Tumbly

I've reached that point that I always reach in a new diet about 10-14 days in: I'M STARVING! Oh, my goodness, I am so freakin' hungry all the time! I've been trying to hold out with snacks every two hours, but the last two days, I've just caved in and eaten dinner in the middle of the afternoon. Of course, when I do that, I want dinner again around 8 p.m.  I'm talking serious hunger here, nothing that can be held at bay with a handful of nuts. My body's just having that adjustment period it needs to getting used to the lower daily calories.

Today, we were out strolling Chandler and walking the dogs at a state forest, and we stopped at a general store in the woods to get a drink/snack. I wound up getting a hamburger. I just really needed to eat! Chandler enjoyed running around on the deck listening to the live bluegrass music while Mommy chowed down. For dinner later, I just had some salmon/veggie patties over a salad. Very light and contrite.

I decided against yoga class again until my regular teacher comes back, which will be Monday. I've been having steady problems with that pinched nerve in my right hand, and it's making daily activities, like buckling a car seat and chopping veggies, hard. I burned a lot of calories yesterday, however, by taking Chandler to the zoo. She has this two-wheel stroller that has to be tilted to roll, so I have to support it with my arms any time we're moving. My biceps got a real workout, not to mention that we covered the entire zoo and I lifted her out of her stroller probably 12 times. By the time we got back, I felt like I'd been at the gym running the treadmill and lifting weights. My shoulders are still sore today.

We had a great time. She rode the carousel for the first time, and it was the cutest thing EVER. The only downside the whole day were the glimpses I kept getting of myself in the gift shop windows all over the park. I would literally be stopped in my tracks to see myself. I mean, I know I'm fat, but, "ACK!" You never see all the rolls when you're standing stock-still sucking in your gut in front of the bedroom mirror, you know? It stopped me from eating a hot dog while we were there. I ate a blueberry cereal bar I had packed for Chandler instead. That was when the aforementioned hunger pangs began. If it hadn't been for those shop windows, I would have been all up in Backyard Burger.

I have never had any patience for hunger. If I'm truly hungry, I'm going to eat. The trick to this dieting is to make sure I've got food with me, so I don't get caught out without any good choices.

I was appreciative of my fancy scale this morning. It said I was up a pound from yesterday, but it also said my fat percentage was down, and my muscle mass was up. Phew. No sweat.

Sucky

I didn't want to go to yoga last night. It was a late class, and I was tired. I've been having problems with pain in my hand due to pinched nerves. I've discovered that trying to haul my substantial heft around on the mat with such weak muscles causes all kinds of nerve twinges from the compression of my weight on my bones. This happened three years ago when I weighed this much, but it got better as I got stronger.

With this in mind, I dragged ass to the car, knowing it is never going to get any easier if I don't keep moving forward. All I have to do is show up, right? Well. I would do anything now to erase the experience of that class from my memory.

First, the regular teacher of the Good Vibrations class, Yo, was out of town. A bummer, but no big deal. Yo is great with knowing my personal body problems and adapting the routine to help me deal with them. She told me Monday to avoid down dog for a while until my hand pain got better. She said she would give me alternate poses. But she wasn't there.

It wasn't the sub's fault that she designed a routine to hit on all my injuries and the weakest parts of my body. She doesn't know me. She just created a routine that focused on shoulder expansion and abs. She threw in some pilates as a bonus. How could she know that me and pilates have never gotten along? How could she know that she had designed a routine that would completely shatter the tenuous grasp I had on my body's recovery?

From the beginning I was struggling. I couldn't do about half of what she was calling out. I was trying, but that effort was just leading to straining and frustration, which is not the goal of yoga. If Yo had been there, she would have just walked by and given me some optional instructions. So much of what the instructor was doing was unfamiliar to me; there were these exercises in holding the breath while pulling the abs up and in for a count of ten. When we weren't doing that, we were in down dog for extended periods. Well, after about 45 minutes of this in different scenarios, pain was shooting through my hand, and I started having these stabbing pains right between my eyes. I've experienced this head pain before: it happens when I'm straining to hold a position and forget to breathe.

I suddenly got dizzy and nauseated. I got up to get some water, but when I came back it was just more of the same. I just had to quit, and started doing some leg stretches. The teacher, of course, was concerned and thought I was going to fall out, which was a legitimate fear. She kept asking me if I was OK, bringing the entire class's attention to me over and over. I just said I was OK, knowing that it was only five minutes until the end of class.

But it wasn't. She went 30 minutes over! Honestly, I thought more than once about just leaving, but I was concerned about my ability to drive. Also, I didn't want to disrupt the class by packing up my stuff before it was over. I knew the teacher would try to stop class and help me if I did that. I just wanted to lie there and try to recover. I swear, people, that was the longest 30 minutes of my life. After every pose, I kept thinking, "this has to be it." But it wasn't. It just went on and on. If had known at 9:30 that I would have to lie there and suffer for another 30 minutes, I would definitely have left!

When I got home, I walked in the door. My husband took one look at me and said, "What's wrong?!" I just burst into tears, walked straight into the kitchen and found a bar of chocolate in the pantry. "Endorphins," I thought. "I need endorphins." You'll be glad to know that I only ate one square. Really, I wasn't hungry, just the opposite. I just wanted to experience something that felt good for a moment.

This "fake it 'til you make it" plan isn't working for me. I don't know when I'll feel like I want to go to another yoga class again. I'm just so sick of every attempt I make at exercise leading to pain and frustration and tears.

OK First Week

Almost a week in

Ashley's Back

Greetings friends, new and old. It's Day 3 of the latest attempt to rid myself of this disgusting flab.