06/02/2009 18:32
OK First Week
The scale says I lost 4 lbs. my first week in. I know a lot of that was water, but I'm hoping just a little of it was fat.
I've been perusing the blogs, looking for my old buddies and have been somewhat surprised to see so many still around, and so many losing the battle against fat. What's up with that? Why is this so freakin' hard?! Several of us have had babies, and the weight gains are staggering--way more than an average person gains. It seems that those of us who have a tendency toward being overweight gain even more when pregnant. It's like our bodies are gobbling up calories and storing fat to last for the rest of our lives.
And losing weight after birth seems like an impossible feat--a new mom taking care of an infant and working, too, does not have any time to think about food. I know for the last year, I just ate what was there. I didn't binge, but I ate my share of frozen pizza because that was the only thing I had the energy or time for. How many other foods can you eat while holding a crying baby? So much of my weight gain happened AFTER Chandler was born, when I didn't have time to care.
Now, I just look at myself and can't believe this has happened to me. Just imagine if I hadn't lost all that weight before the pregnancy! I could be 280 lbs right now!
Honestly, people, I am scared. I am scared that I can even get this fat. I mean, how much fatter can I get, and how handicapped would that make me in my daily life? Even now, I am having so many pains that prevent me from doing what I want and need to do with my daughter. She is a little Tasmanian Devil, and I CANNOT keep up with her.
I'm also scared of what my weight is doing to me psychologically. I cannot stand to look at myself. Add turning 40 to that, and add spending my days around teens who are at the peak of their youth and strength and beauty. I just feel like a toad. I don't want to feel like a toad. I want to be proud of myself, and right now I am only experiencing self-loathing.
I've gone back to yoga for a few weeks now, and it brings me to tears almost every time. I'm in worse physical shape now that when I started doing yoga over three years ago. The teacher calls out a pose; my mind knows what to do, so it sends directions to my body . . . which is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of carrying out the command. My core is SHOT. Pulling up into down dog feels like mountain climbing or something, not the carefree resting pose it used to be for me. I feel like I'm just flapping around on the mat like a dying fish washed up on the beach. Add to that little jolts of pain from joints all over my body where nerves are being pinched from all the weight and pressure being put on them.
After my yoga class last night, I spoke to the instructor and expressed my frustrations and how angry all this makes me. She just said, "Hey, you're here. That's all that matters. Ashley's Back!" Intellectually, I know she's right, and I know I just have to keep going through these motions and the positive weight-loss experience will come back to me eventually. I just want the "feeling good" part to get here already.
I've been perusing the blogs, looking for my old buddies and have been somewhat surprised to see so many still around, and so many losing the battle against fat. What's up with that? Why is this so freakin' hard?! Several of us have had babies, and the weight gains are staggering--way more than an average person gains. It seems that those of us who have a tendency toward being overweight gain even more when pregnant. It's like our bodies are gobbling up calories and storing fat to last for the rest of our lives.
And losing weight after birth seems like an impossible feat--a new mom taking care of an infant and working, too, does not have any time to think about food. I know for the last year, I just ate what was there. I didn't binge, but I ate my share of frozen pizza because that was the only thing I had the energy or time for. How many other foods can you eat while holding a crying baby? So much of my weight gain happened AFTER Chandler was born, when I didn't have time to care.
Now, I just look at myself and can't believe this has happened to me. Just imagine if I hadn't lost all that weight before the pregnancy! I could be 280 lbs right now!
Honestly, people, I am scared. I am scared that I can even get this fat. I mean, how much fatter can I get, and how handicapped would that make me in my daily life? Even now, I am having so many pains that prevent me from doing what I want and need to do with my daughter. She is a little Tasmanian Devil, and I CANNOT keep up with her.
I'm also scared of what my weight is doing to me psychologically. I cannot stand to look at myself. Add turning 40 to that, and add spending my days around teens who are at the peak of their youth and strength and beauty. I just feel like a toad. I don't want to feel like a toad. I want to be proud of myself, and right now I am only experiencing self-loathing.
I've gone back to yoga for a few weeks now, and it brings me to tears almost every time. I'm in worse physical shape now that when I started doing yoga over three years ago. The teacher calls out a pose; my mind knows what to do, so it sends directions to my body . . . which is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of carrying out the command. My core is SHOT. Pulling up into down dog feels like mountain climbing or something, not the carefree resting pose it used to be for me. I feel like I'm just flapping around on the mat like a dying fish washed up on the beach. Add to that little jolts of pain from joints all over my body where nerves are being pinched from all the weight and pressure being put on them.
After my yoga class last night, I spoke to the instructor and expressed my frustrations and how angry all this makes me. She just said, "Hey, you're here. That's all that matters. Ashley's Back!" Intellectually, I know she's right, and I know I just have to keep going through these motions and the positive weight-loss experience will come back to me eventually. I just want the "feeling good" part to get here already.