Halloween is near ...

I'm still here, just been focusing on getting ready for my annual Halloween Party. I've made a bunch of tombstones and a cemetery sign for the front yard, and ghosts to hang in trees and in the house.  I'm doing the whole house in Halloween style, even the bathroom! (I've made a ghoul who'll take up residence in the shower). I'll be back with regular posting once it's over, but I just wanted to check in.

I shouldn't have had that

Hubby wanted to have more 'together' meals this week, and while he's usually happy eat a few vegan meals during the week, he still wants a few old favorites as well.  We used to make chicken quesadillas, and he wanted to have it again.  I said no problem -- make yours with chicken, cheese and sour cream.  I'll get some vegetarian chicken-style roast, vegan cheese slices and vegan cream cheese (which can be stirred or thinned to resemble sour cream).  Sounded like a fun, though not healthy, meal option, and one we could make together.  Yeah I know -- not eve close to healthy, but It really did taste good and it felt good to sit down to an old favorite with hubby.  So imagine my surprise when I had to stop eating!  I mean I ate half the quesadilla and just had to stop.  As I said, I suffered no delusions that it was healthy, but I didn't think it would actually make me feel sick.  I really want to share meals with him as much as possible, but high-fat just doesn't work for me any more.  Initially when I stopped eating animal products I relied a lot on these faux meat and dairy products.  But I know they're bad for me, so I don't use them often.  I'd have been better off making veggie chili -- which I can eat as is, and he can dump cheese and sour cream in.  With summer coming, I really need to come up with quick, easy, healthy and tasty vegan options.  It definitely isn't worth feeling like this to go back to 'old favorites' again -- there's nothing favorite about this feeling.

I was reading blogs yesterday and one author talked about having to say goodbye to her favorite foods forever.  At first I thought, 'more power to you, but it's unlikely you'll give them up forever -- even if it's just special occasions, you'll likely have that food again at some point.'  I never thought I had the willpower to deny myself something I loved FOREVER -- I always blamed myself when I gave in to eating those foods again thinking I was just plain weak.  But I switched to a plant-based diet in Feb 2007.  Now when I think I'm powerless to resist something, I can remind myself that I no longer eat a lot of things I grew up -- things I truly enjoyed all my life. I have avoided animal products for over 3-1/2 years now, so clearly I'm not weak. I think that proves I CAN make lasting changes.  I just need to figure out why I sabotage my weight loss efforts.

A vegan diet isn't enough, plenty of unhealthy foods are vegan.  I still have to make healthy choices every day.  I'm struggling with that these days.  I manage OK for days, weeks, sometimes months at a time.  Then something, usually a plateau, hits hard and it feels like I'm doing it all for nothing.  That's when I give up.  This time it was my recent shoulder surgery and the struggles of healing in the weeks after.  There will always be something life throws at you.  Work will suck, you'll have a fight with your partner, or some family member will do something really stupid that leaves them in prison for several years and leaves me with anxiety attacks.  You have no control over that.  That's life.

Right now I just want to get past this healing time -- I want my shoulder working again so I can do other forms of exercise besides walking.  I really would love to get a personal trainer in the new year -- maybe by then my shoulder will be ready.  I actually consulted with one already and he said to wait until my shoulder is healed and any physic is over before starting.  So for now, the goal is healing, and finding healthy, delicious summer meals I can share with my omni hubby.  I can do it.  I've come this far.  I've made lasting changes in my diet already.  Now I just need to fine tune it.

This is my life.

I've always had a goal for my blog.  Obviously I wanted to lose weight and get healthy again, but I've wanted that for my entire adult life. I just don't seem to be able to make it happen.  I'll get bursts of motivation and willpower and start again, make new plans.  I'll start writing about it (in the old days in my journal, and now here in cyberspace).  I'll change my diet, start a new workout routine, drink water, meditate, do whatever it takes to succeed.  I read blogs by others who've been successful and draw inspiration from them. I see the support they get from other bloggers, and I think -- that's what I want.  I want to be successful at this, and I want to record that journey, become part of this online community, and maybe even inspire others myself. There's nothing wrong with wanting that. The trouble is that in the back of my mind I think I sometimes let wanting to be a successful blogger interfere with being successful at getting lean, strong and healthy.  I lose sight of the main goal.

I'm happy to blog each and every day when I'm following my plan, doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, and heading in the direction I want to be headed.  It makes for pretty boring reading, I'm sure.  But then I'll slip -- have something I know I shouldn't.  I thought sharing every morsel of my food intake would help me be 'accountable' but it actually has the opposite effect when I have what I shouldn't have or, God forbid, give in to a binge.  Because now I'll have to record THAT as well, I mean what are the alternatives, right?  I won't lie and say I had a good day when I didn't, so the only alternative is to stop posting so I don't have to 'fess up.  But 'fessing up is what I NEED to do. Maybe that's how you work through your weight-loss demons and get your life back.

So after taking a break and having a good think about it, I've decided that this blog is supposed to be about me. My life. And my life has struggles, successes, and sometimes failures. I've got to put it all out there, and not worry that I'm failing (once again) or not living up to anyone's expectations (including my own) about what kind of blog I should be writing, or whether others might find interesting enough to bother reading.

Grazing

I need to find ways of occupying myself in the evening that don't revolve around eating. I do so well throughout the day, but for whatever reason in the evening I get hungrier and find it easy to stray off plan if I'm not careful. I was doing very well tonight -- but after finishing off my planned meals, which would have left me at 1694 calories, hubby made extra curly fries for me to share with him (since there weren't enough to bother saving them, he said) and then later I had a couple of snack bars, so that put me over 2000 calories. Not the worst thing in the world, hardly a binge -- but not within my calorie goals either.

Tomorrow we head back to Sydney for the 2 week follow up appointment with my surgeon, and of course that means we'll be eating lunch out somewhere in Sydney. By next week I'll be back at work and I always do better when work occupies most of my day. But for whatever reason, evenings are still challenging for me. I wonder why I have no problem controlling my appetite during the day, and then want to graze throughout the evening. I know I'm not the only one with this problem, but that doesn't help much.

Today's Menu:

1 banana and 30 blueberries
Vegan Sausage Baked Ziti
Rainy Day Lentil Soup
Pizza Roll double (same amount of toppings as 1 but spread over 2 tortillas, baked & rolled up)
1c choc soy milk and 1 SpecialK choc caramel bar
1 serve curly fries
1 K-Time Twist Apple Cinnamon Bar

TOTALS: 2078 (62/21/17)

You know, they said I couldn't drive for 3 weeks after the surgery but I still have very limited use of my arm. My in-laws were over today and I was showing them how I couldn't even lift the limb out in front of me -- showing them by attempting to do so, which actually hurt a fair bit and the shoulder has been tender ever since. I don't see me driving any time soon, but we'll see what the doctor says tomorrow.

Monday, Monday ... and 6 days til I go back to work

I know, I flip flop between saying DON'T think about work, just enjoy the time off, and knowing that it will soon be over and I'll have to go back.  It's not that I don't like my job, I just love not having to work and rather look forward to retirement. LOL  It was a nice lazy day, just got some washing done in the short rain break, and made another pot of the yummy lentil soup.  I made a couple of changes this time that I thought made it even better.  Basically what I said last time I made it, about putting the garlic in sooner, and the potatoes in later.  Also instead of 2tsp red wine vinegar stirred through at the end I used 1tsp of balsamic vinegar.  We loved it!

So I didn't get any comments from people who've used a personal trainer ... bummer, I was hoping for some pros and cons from those who'd tried it.  Anyway, until I get my physio, I don't think I'll be heading to any trainers just yet.

Today's Menu:
30g each Honey Oat Cheerios and SpecialK Forrest Berries
1 sliced banana, about 30 blueberries, 1 cup lite soy milk
Vegan Sausage Baked Ziti w/1Tbsp Toffutti
Rainy Day Lentil Soup w/2 slices multi-grain bread
1c choc soy milk and 1 SpecialK choc caramel bar

TOTALS:  1647 calories (67/19/14)

Not a bad day at all, and quite yummy and satisfying. :)

stop fighting the wrong battle

I'd just like to share the following excerpt from Sean's blog, The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser.  This guy is inspirational, having started at over 500 pounds, he's nearly at goal now and looking fabulous.  When I read the following today it felt empowering, so I wanted to share it with all of you.  Seriously, check out his blog, it's great.

Stop Fighting Food:

I traveled back into the archives for an excerpt from Day 15---I was still a long ways away from several wonderful epiphanies along this road, but the clarity and self-honesty factor was solidly in place, making those future epiphanies shine so bright. From September 29th, 2008:

What I like most about this way of losing weight? It's completely natural. I'm not taking any “magic” pills or taking any kind of drugs to help me fend off the cravings. It's just me and my decisions. That's it. Everyday I decide to enjoy 1500 calories. Everyday I decide to exercise. Everyday I decide to drink enough water. Everyday I decide to write about my daily progress and this helps me get up the next day and make the right decisions all over again.

You see, I've always known how to lose weight, but I kept letting my head get in the way. I kept making excuses. I kept gravitating to the line of least resistance. And at that line anything goes. It's real easy to make bad decisions. How many times have I been told by a doctor that I was flirting with death at this weight? Many. But it didn't make me cry until a doctors visit on June 10th of this year.

And still, after my flood of emotions that day, after a family group hug where all of us were crying our eyes out...still I made bad decisions. What clicked three months later? What made September 15th the day? Let's just say that there comes a time when enough is enough. The family is tired of hearing “someday” and enough is enough. There comes a time when you realize that you might have waited too long to save yourself, but never go there, don't believe it. That road is a dead end my friend. Because if you get started right now, this minute, maybe you still have a chance to make the right decisions. The decisions that can save your life, your family, and everything that's important to you. That's what I decided on September 15th.

It's not too late...unless they're putting the blanket over your head, to grab yourself and make the choices that will lead to your freedom from obesity. Fear of death isn't enough, but the fear of losing everything else that makes your life good, that's what can do it, at least it did for me. It's something I've written about and spoke about many times---choosing change before change chooses you. Because change is a comin' my friend. Nothing ever stays the same, and how wonderful is it to realize that some of your changes will be on your own terms? You can make it life-changing good, my friend. You deserve it.

Stop fighting the wrong battle. It's not the food that's the enemy. It's you. When you realize that food isn't the enemy and is actually your friend. And at the same time, you battle the self-destructive part of you that tries to destroy your success and progress...and at some point, you start becoming a friend to yourself with your self-honesty in good choices--then...well, then there isn't a battle left to fight. You will win, because you can't lose a fight that doesn't exist. People sometimes ask me, how is it so easy for you? I wish they could have been around my entire life to watch me hopelessly struggle as I spiraled to a certain early death in excess of 500 pounds...It was hard...but it was hard because I made it that way. Stop fighting the wrong battle and your clarity will come too.

rain, rain, rain

Yes of course, I'm off work so it's raining every day. Ah well.  Still nice, hubby and I took a 45 minute stroll down to the market and back, picking up some fresh veggies for Lentil Soup again tonight. Didn't get around to making it though -- darned daylight saving time, by the time we realized we were hungry it was 7:30 pm.  So I ate a cous cous salad I'd purchased for tomorrow's lunch and I'll just make the soup tomorrow instead.  The salad had more calories than I'd hoped, but sure was delicious!  Oh, and I had to try the new Honey Oat Cheerios we picked up as well.  I so loved Honey Nut Cheerios in the States, so I hoped these would be the same, minutes the nuts.  Not quite.  Good, but not nearly as good as Honey Nut Cheerios.  Ah well, this is the Aussie version, I guess.

I keep using my arm more and more, and it aches a bit.  I am torn between thinking I should be using it more to get it back in shape, and worrying I shouldn't be moving it at all yet.  So I've put the sling back on today to try to remember to take it easy.

Today's Menu:

Special K Forrest Berries (60g), 1 banana, 1c lite soy milk
Baked Ziti and a mug of tea
Honey Oat Cheerios (60g) and 1c lite soy milk
Cous Cous and Roasted Vegetable Salad

TOTALS:  1885 calories (59/17/24)

My last week off work begins tomorrow.  Actually, it's  a public holiday tomorrow, so everyone has off, pretty much.  But I have the rest of the week as well. :)

So outta control

Let's just start with the good news for today.  Weigh-in was 112 kg (246.92 lb) which is a loss of 0.8 kg (1.76 lb) since last week.  Good -- not as good as it looked on Wednesday, but we won't quibble with a loss.  Oh, and I did a full hour walk today, with a couple of inclines.  So I was going great!  Then, for whatever reason, I ate off plan. Like way off.  Like out of control, I have no idea what came over me.  After Thai vegetarian satay take away for lunch, I later had peanut butter on toast, pizza, garlic bread, and even some chocolate brownies.  I wouldn't be surprised if today's count is over 3,000 calories.  Seriously, WTF?

These kinds of days always catch me off guard because I'll do fine for weeks and then wham, a day like this hits me.  I'll be right back on track tomorrow, I know that, I'm not about to let one day make me give up.  But I want to know WHY I let this happen?  What more evidence do I need that this is no longer acceptable behavior?  The before photos weren't enough?  The support structure under the couch cushion is broken just in the spot where I sit?  Oh, and let's not forget my shoulder -- who the hell incurs a rotator cuff tear by pushing themselves up out of bed at night to pee?   Someone who is obese, that's who.  Do you know, when I was getting checked in for surgery, even the anesthesia staff that came to get me were like, 'Wow, it's not a mistake, it's a woman! Rotator cuff tears are always men, you know -- athletes.'

I'm not dwelling on this.  I'm not beating myself up or letting negative self-talk get the best of me, really I'm not.  I'm just trying to figure out what makes me tick so I can maybe stop it from happening next time.

I want my left arm back

You'd think I'd be getting better at washing my hair with just the one hand, but I'm not and it totally sucks.  And it's still painful if I try to use the arm much, which makes me worry even more about how much physio is going to hurt.  I don't know why I'm dwelling on such things; maybe it's knowing I've only got one more week off work.  I won't only have to manage a shower, but clothes, hair and makeup as well -- all with one arm.  That I am not looking forward to.

On a more positive note, I'm feeling great and totally on track today.  I got a 40 minute walk today -- aiming for 45-50 tomorrow.  My total calories are perfect, but a bit higher in carbs as hubby had picked up some lovely multi-grain bread that I just had to partake in.  It'll all balance out by week's end.

Today's Menu:
Special K (60g) w/1 banana and 1c lite soy milk
Rainy Day Lentil Soup w/2 slices multi-grain bread
Vegan Sausage Baked Ziti w/2 slices multi-grain bread
Special K Choc Caramel Bar

TOTALS:  1566 calories (69/20/11)

Here's hoping for a great weigh-day tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Thursday already!?

That means this week is nearly over and only one week left before I go back to work!  My this time has flown by.  Ah well ... it could be a good thing.  I've always been able to control my eating better when I'm working than when I'm on holiday.  I was hungry this afternoon and the peanut butter did call to me, so I'm over 1800 calories today, but I'm also very proud that I didn't devour the entire jar.  I put about 1 Tbsp on each of 2 slices of toast with a tsp of all-fruit jam, and then I put the jar away.  I guess that counts for something.  Actually the fact that I've resisted it as much as I have is pretty impressive, given how much I love peanut butter.

Today's Menu:
Rainy Day Lentil Soup w/2 crusty rolls
2 tsp margarine on the rolls
Special K Choc Caramel Bar
2 slices toast, each with 1 Tbsp peanut butter and 1 tsp 100% fruit strawberry jam
Dbl pizza roll (meaning I used 2 tortillas and toppings, but only one home made vegan Italian sausage)

TOTALS:  1875 calories (55/20/26)

I've been getting a bit bored and want to get out and do something -- but since I still can't drive, that would mean only things in walking distance, or hopping the train or bus.  And I don't know specifically what I want to do, just feeling a bit house-bound without being able to drive.  I'm sure I'll think of something.