A Change is Gonna Come

No, I haven't disappeared

I'm still here - my last post on 31st July was about going back to Mary's Mini again and I must say - it worked.  After a week back on that plan I dropped 6 pounds. But work and family events came along and I had to eat off plan and once I did I struggled to get back on.  So what do I do about that?  I think the trick is finding a way to allow real life to creep back in here and there where it will without thinking it means I've blown it and may as well give up.  If I'd been able to eat that one meal off plan here and there and got right back on again I think it would work.  That would mean MOST of the time I'd be eating according to the McDougall plan with occasional meals with friends, family or work colleagues that didn't fit the plan.  As it is, I find I do great on plan for a week or two and then the one meal off plan feels like I may as well have something else off plan and start again tomorrow - and then I have something else off plan tomorrow and may as well start again next week, etc.  THAT's what I've got to fix.  I'm going to go through the McDougall cookbooks again this coming week and select some basic meals to try to stick to for a while, and when I do have that off plan meal, just get right back on again after that.  Wish me luck.

A return to potatoes, fruits & veggies (Mary's Mini McDougall plan)

I'm looking for a simple, healthy meal plan and once again that brought me back to Mary's Mini.  It worked a treat when I tried it back in 2007 I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks.  I did find it boring for the first 4-5 days, but then it just becomes normal and routine. I think she's on to something because most species on the planet eat a simple diet with little variety. And potatoes are delicious and so good for you.  I love veggies - not so much fruits, but I can manage one each morning with breakfast I think.

I found this massive 6kg bag of potatoes at the store for $6 - and they were really nice big ones, like I used to get back home -- Aussie potatoes are different varieties than what I got in Wisconsin, and I haven't found one that tastes like the big Idaho baked ones mom used to make.  Anyway, these were all nice big ones so I bought it and immediately threw four large ones in the oven tonight so I'll have some ready for the next few meals.  I'll make some mashed ones tomorrow to serve with salsa over them.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Is this a sign?

It's been a LONG 3 weeks since we began our move. Not much has gone to plan and there was HEAPS more work to be done than we thought when we got into the new house. I fell and broke my elbow while trying to clean higher than I should have -- good idea that.

The battery in my scale died last week. Just a day or two before that I'd gotten on to find I was back to 115kg but of course TOM was on then. I was still depressed to see it.  Hubby bought me a new battery for the scale but he had a hard time getting the old one out and now that he has, it isn't working, even with the new battery. I think he damaged something while trying to get it out. In any case, I have no scale now. Me, the scale junkie. I think maybe it's a sign?

I need to stop focusing on the number on the scale so much and just focus on eating healthier and exercising, right?  Well now that we're finally a bit settled in and starting to feel at home, that's the plan.  I also plan to spend some time each day meditating and focusing on my goals.  Wish me luck.

Checking in -- and my stupid mistake

So much has been going on in my life lately that I haven't been focusing on weight or working out or blogging in a while.  Besides the usual crazy-busy work schedule, we've settled on our new house, so we've been focused on cleaning, remodeling, painting, carpeting, and moving. In the process I did something really careless.  I was standing on a kitchen chair trying to reach the highest shelves in the cupboards to clean them and I couldn't get quite high enough.  Hubby is tall, but he was working outside so I had this bright idea that if I just stepped up onto the counter a bit and stretched just a bit more I could reach those last few inches.  Dumb idea. I lost my balance and fell off the chair, landing on my left arm and hip with a terrible thud.

At first it didn't seem too bad, I mean my arm hurt but I could still use it, I just couldn't put any weight on it to brace myself.  Probably just sprained, I figured.  But within a few hours I couldn't use it at all.  The slightest movement caused intense pain.  It was late and I didn't want to spend hours waiting in the ER so I decided to ice it, go to bed and if it still hurt in the morning I'd see the doctor.

With no improvement in the morning I went in and they took x-rays.  Turns out I have a radial head fracture and there is fluid built up around the elbow.  They put me in a sling, told me to ice it 20 minutes each hour for 48 hours and take Panadol.

So now I've got only one arm in the middle of moving house.  I'm not much help to my poor hubby but fortunately some friends have pitched in to help.  I'm told after 2 weeks I can start doing some gentle exercises and eventually (maybe 6 weeks or so) it should heal itself.

So that's my update.  I'll post again after the move once we're settled in and hopefully I'll be feeling better then and able to start focusing on my health again.

I am not fat! The fat is not me! I hate the fat!

Just practicing a little yelling.  I've stumbled upon "Yell at Your Fat" -- a weight loss podcast from someone who lost 139 pounds and started a podcast to help others.  They're very good and I've already listened to 3 episodes since finding her yesterday.  She set out to make 139 episodes, but unfortunately there are only 14.  I wish she'd continued.  In any case, one of the things she reminds people of is WE are not fat.  Fat is a substance that's attached to our body, but it's not who we are.  You can hate the fat, you can want to get rid of the fat, but you can't hate yourself or feel badly about yourself for simply having this tissue attached to your body.

Most of the podcast is actually her just talking to us, pouring out things she's learned and offering tips and suggestions along the way.  But she does intersperse funny bits of actually yelling at her fat and a segment from the motivational monster and even a segment that her dad does to introduce cool products and other things to help you along the way.

What I found really encouraging is that she is vegan, and she offers her opinions on how it will be easier to lose weight if you cut out animal products, but she's not the least bit preachy about it and you certainly don't have to be vegan or even vegetarian to enjoy her podcast.

Anyway, I have been working out at least 3 x a week with the trainers, and during the day when I'm at work my eating has been really good and healthy -- but evenings are still a problem for me.  Work is so crazy busy that I don't have time to even think about food -- it can be 3:00 before I even remember to eat lunch.  But the time between dinner and bedtime is a real problem for me.  I'm not sure what I should do, but I'm thinking I'll go back to having the same thing for two meals a day (breakfast and lunch) which is my blueberry banana oatmeal breakfast and a big bowl of home made veggie soup (very low calorie) for lunch.  I can easily toss together a huge pot of it Sunday afternoon and freeze half so I've got it available for lunches.  For dinner, I'll toss together a big pan of vegan lasagna or something that I can get a good 5 or 6 serves out of and just freeze portions again.  I don't mind eating the same thing every day if it's something I like, and this way it will be portion controlled and easy to heat up after my workouts.  If I can do this, then I won't always be planning and thinking about what I'm going to eat, so that helps.  And if I enlist hubby's help to ensure there aren't snackable items available in the house then even if I do get a craving in the evening, I won't have anything but low-cal veggie soup available to me.

Wish me luck.

Not counting calories this week

I didn't sit down and plan out every morsel I'll be eating this week. I didn't enter everything in FitDay and try to get the carbs and calories low enough, so I won't be beating myself up if I go over that level.  Like I said last week, I think it's time to stop dieting and start living.

My loving hubby hates seeing me so frustrated as well.  He loves me just as I am, but of course wants me to be healthy.  He sees me working out regularly and planning menus and cooking healthy meals, and he supports me in that, even helping cook.  But he also sees when I eat off plan and beat myself up and gain weight and feel like a failure.  He thinks I should just work out regularly, eat healthy as much as possible, and don't worry about anything else; certainly not the scale, he thinks I should get rid of that.  Maybe he's right.

So this week instead of counting every morsel, I'm just going to make meals I enjoy, but adjust my portions sizes.  If I could get 5 servings out of a dish I usually get 4 servings from, that will help.  I'd not only get used to smaller portion sizes, thus naturally lowering my calories, but it would also mean having to cook less often.  That would free up more time for walking the dog or hanging out with hubby.  What could be better than that?

Why try?

Maybe Homer's right -- so why do I keep trying to win this battle?  And how do i forgive myself for continually failing? I think that's why I quit blogging sometimes. I don't know what to say when things aren't going well.  When I feel like a failure I don't want to 'put that out there' - I don't think people want to read about failure. I don't want to BE a failure. But I follow other blogs - even from very successful losers who've dropped a hundred pounds already and they still struggle. This battle will continue as long as I fight it.  Maybe I should stop fighting and start LIVING.

Hubby said I should throw away the scale. He hates that the number I see there each morning affects how I feel about myself. He loves me as I am, thinks I'm perfect, and that I should focus on eating healthy and working out in and of itself, not as a means to achieve a specific weight. I'll be healthier and happier. He's probably right. How do I do that though?

I feel like I focus on food SO MUCH and I'm tired of it. That's whether I'm bingeing or eating healthy.  If I'm off plan I'm planning my next pig-out, where to have it, what to have, where to hide the evidence. If I'm eating healthy I'm planning every morsel I put in my mouth, counting the calories, keeping an eye on the carbs, etc.  I can't ever just be like normal people who just eat what they want when they want and stay healthy.  Because they don't want to eat abnormally. They don't want to binge. They don't continue to eat even if they feel full, or sick from all the crap they've already ingested.  I don't know what it's like to never have to worry about that.

People keep telling me they can see a difference, that I'm losing weight. WTF. I know that's not true, the scale reminds me every morning. Still I suppose the exercise is toning me up some and that's probably what they see. It doesn't matter. I just need to find a way to cope with living life every day in the PRESENT.  I gotta live now. And really LIVE, not obsess over food and exercise routines. Live as healthy as I can as often as I can and love myself in the process - just as I am.  That's really all any of us can do.

Hubby is helping.  One of the struggles has been finding the time to make healthy meals when I have to work all day and workout after that.  I'm a little bit scared, but he's offered to cook for me this week.  What have I gotten myself into!?  LOL  Wish me luck.

Moving Forward (or getting my ass back on track)

It's time. We've had a bad few weeks, and we've been letting ourselves grieve hoping it would get easier in time.  It is, slowly, and we've begun to focus on our new home and picking out carpet, furniture, etc.  We've got about 10 weeks before we move, so we've got time to shop around and get ideas.  We've been spending a lot of time together to help each other get through this, and I think it's time to put some of the focus back on myself and my fitness goals.  I worked out maybe once a week for the last couple of weeks, and that's not good.  Happily I didn't seem to have lost my endurance during those workouts - I cranked out sit-ups with the best of them, but I can definitely tell that I've not been focusing on diet and exercise lately, and it shows on the scale as well.

Last week TOM was here so I expected the slight increase I saw last Saturday.  But this Saturday I was up again, and I'm not going to slip and ruin the good work I've done since the start of the year.  Grieving the loss of a beloved pet is human; I'm not going to feel bad for shifting my focus these last couple of weeks, but now it's time to shift it back again.  Last week's gain of 0.4kg (.88 lb) and this week's gain of 0.6kg (1.32 lb) have brought me back to 109.4kg (241.19 lb) this week.

The clocks have changed, we're officially in autumn now, and it's getting chillier.  I've planned meals for the coming week that focus on warm, comfort food that's also low calorie, like these favorites:

Chickpea and Swede Stew
Rainy Day Lentil Soup
Spicy Lentil Chili (see below)

Tonight is the stew, and while Susan's original recipe calls for turnips, I prefer to use Swedes (rutabagas) instead and use my own spice blend which is a blend of cumin seeds, fennel seeds, mustard seeds, and fenugreek seeds.  I'm looking forward to it.  Hubby even eats that with me, though he enjoys slathering butter on some crusty rolls with his serve.

If you're interested in trying the Spicy Lentil Chili, it's from Dr McDougal's Quick & Easy Cookbook and the recipe follows, but I add one chopped bell pepper and leave off the cilantro because I don’t care for it.

QUICK SPICY LENTIL CHILI

2 cups red lentils, rinsed well
2 quarts vegetable broth
2 cups diced onion
1 16 ounce can chopped tomatoes
1/4 cup tomato paste
2 tablespoons chopped fresh garlic
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon thyme
Several twists of freshly ground black pepper
Pinch of crushed red pepper
Dash of cayenne pepper
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro

Combine all of the ingredients except cilantro in a large soup pot. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat, cover and simmer over medium-low heat for 30-35 minutes until the lentils are tender, stirring occasionally, adding more water or broth if needed for proper chili consistency. (It didn’t need any.) Remove from heat, stir in the cilantro and serve.

Servings: We got 4 large bowls which were very filling.

Nutrition facts (from Spark People) per serve:

225.0 calories
1.5g total fat
0.2g saturated fat
0.6g polyunsaturated fat
0.4g monounsaturated fat
0.0mg cholesterol
2120.2mg sodium
870.8mg potassium
43.4g total carbohydrates
12.0g dietary fiber
8.2g sugars
12.0g protein

Until we meet again